What is wrong with the Tigers?

I think it's either the fact that he drops the ball like a buffoon, or that he laughs about it.

Jesus will not help you, young man.

This is what happens when Liriano pitches against something named French

They might just want to whip out the dipstick.

Oh hello

Hi there. My name is Matt Capps.

Yep.

I'm fat. And my last name is Capps. And my first name is Matt.

Dickfer, I wear number 55. Here are some others who have worn #55:


Mike Redmond took batting practice naked, and was also slightly fat.


This man was very very fat, and is the reason this blog exists.

HERE WE GO!

Should we measure for width, length, or breadth?

Joe Jesus just went 5 for 5, with 7 RBI, and also took home the "Biggest One In Missouri" award.

It's 17-0 in the seventh inning. There you go, Royals.

Another great relief appearance from Jesse Crain

If you read this blog, you will know we are defenders of Jesse Crain and his pitching. Last night was just another example of his abilities. Perhaps it was the White Sox lacking knowing how to play baseball . . . yeah, that's more likely.

We need to have a talk

(Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda would like to see you in his office.)


I'm gonna be real clear with what I got to say to you. And I don't have much time, either; I'm going to a BBQ here in St. Louis. I've already sweated through three shirts, it so god damn humid here. But, listen up.

I know how you Twins fans were at the start of the season. You have your new ballpark open, you have new and tasty items at the concession stand...the kind of things I'd like to try. The Twins started hot, life was "good," and there was writing a plenty here. You know I'd chime in every now and again about the Dodgers out west. But I've noticed that, since the Twins slide into 3rd place...albeit not far out...but 3rd place, no one is writing here anymore.

Look, when I'm not doing my ambassador work for the Dodgers, giving inspirational speeches, or eating, I'm left with precious hours. And yet here I am, telling you how it is and how it was. Even as a Dodger employee and fan, life ain't perfect. When Vin isn't calling the game, you know who we have? Eric Collins and Steve Lyons. Sublime to the ridiculous. Don't tell me I don't have to deal with fucking change. So, what is it? Everyone at the "cabin" (whatever the fuck that means)? Ya got writers block because the White Sox are on a roll? Fuck the White Sox! You think I give a shit about the Padres? There's some great Mexican restaurants down there, and those first few seasons of Simon & Simon were enjoyable action and adventure, but I couldn't care less about their team's fortunes. Only reason I'm caring NOW is that THEY are in first, for whatever reason. We've barely had our hands on 'em, but that's where they are.

The Twins are taking on the Sox this weekend in a large 4-game series. I wanna see some action on this fucking thing. I know it's the middle of summer, and I'd love to be in the pool, in the floating chair, glass of my award winning wine in hand. But we're back at it. Otherwise, I'm re-naming this site "Tommy's Tales" and that's that.

That's fine by me, of course. If you boys and girls want to hear my stories, just let me know. Keep cheering those boys in Blue...and, the Twins, too...and get over the hump!

That uncomfortable feeling

Tommy Lasorda! You're renowned as a baseball manager and eater. Right after the Dodgers were on a roll, they were completely whitewashed by the Angels. Mike Scioscia no doubt takes after you with his team and diet, but after a week of such highs and lows, how do YOU spell relief?

Back at it, doing what we do!

KCAL, Channel 9 sports, now turns to baseball legend Tommy Lasorda for his Dodger-


Yeah, that was real fu- funny you taking pictures of me while I was catching a quick catnap in-between innings last week. I almost swore on the air there. Pretty interesting pregame show we have here on channel 9. You got Gary Miller, who's doing local sports cause ESPN fired him. And you got Eric Karros, a walking shampoo ad. Well, the Big Pisan is here to let you know how it is!

We've seen some excellent play from the Dodgers of late. We're back in first place where we belong, and we swept the NL Central-leading Cardinals! Do you know the last time that happened? It was 1988. It's taken the Dodgers that long to sweep the birds? Been a lot of years where they were nothing special. But 1988 was a special year. Who can forget it? What? Yeah, Gary, every remembers Gibson's home run. Sheesh. Let me tell you about one you don't know.

Back in the 80s, Whitey Herzog was the Cards manager. He's a great guy, and him and Billy Martin are nearly unmatched at a bar. Now, I like to take my sips leisurely...which you can do with Lasorda Wines. They're award winning, and available at finer wine shops here in Southern California.

Anyway, game 2 of the 88 World Series is near it's start, and I know La Russa is doing his prep. Probably shoving Canseco and McGuire full of roids. But I'm nervous and pacing. The players were full of pep, too: Mickey Hatcher ran around the parking lot 3 times. But he always did that before games. So, I leave the locker room and there I see Herzog with Jack Buck. He's doing the radio call. They're in the middle of some Cardinal love-fest, but Whitey stops to talk to me. Just then Marv Albert passes us, and I get him to talk to Jack and distract him. Now I got Whitey alone, and we start a strategy. We're gonna give Mike Marshall the green light every at-bat. They'll never see it coming. I had the Bulldog on the mound, and Orel would have pitched 23 shut-out innings in that game if he needed to. We shut them out 6-0, and Orel pitched a 3-hitter.

So, after the game, I told Whitey I was going to get him back. I paid Dave Pearson, our chef here, to stay late. Whitey and I had linguine and Sicilian sausages and dined in my clubhouse dining room until the early morning. I downed two bottles of Chianti and Whitey drank a 12 pack of Busch. And the whole time it was happening, Marv Albert did the play by play of us eating! That jerk said the A's would even up the series in game 2. All the bash brothers hit was the needle and their hair dryer!

Well, Bud's legacy rears it's head again, and the Angels are up here. Mike's got his boys playing better - we can't let up. Get in there, guys!

Bloof!

Ok, woah. Sportsline has been known to lie to me before, but I about swallowed my cheez whiz on this one:

Travis Hafner (5) Grand Slam to right off Bonser, Kearns, Branyan, Peralta scored.

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....

I guess I just figured Boof fucking Bonser would do the honorable thing after he left the Twins, and that would be by setting his body aflame.

But no. He's back. And he pitches for the Red Sox.

Working Overtime

(With the Dodgers sweeping the sad sack Diamondbacks, and two of the games going extra-innings, we turn to The Big Pisan for his thoughts on these games, and the trends of today. Tommy?)

(Tommy, do you remember managing games like yesterday's 14 inning pitcher's duel?)

(Tommy, are we seeing a pitching renaissance with all these perfect games, near-perfect games, and 1-0 tilts? Tommy? Hello? Italian Sausage. Bologna. Hello? Tommy?)

Turn Dem Hips!

Had the pleasure of watching the Twins lay a beat down on the Yankees last night. Or rather, Jason Kubel's continued domination of Yankee pitching this year. He's hitting .467 with three homers, two doubles, and nine RBI against The Empire so far this season.  Not bad for a fat kid from South Dakota.

Of course the Yanks helped us out last night by putting Javier Vasquez and Chan Ho Park on the mound with their 6.86 and 8.71 ERAs respectively. To be fair, they were lower before Kubel's dingerfest.

I know that winning one of three games isn't going to get it done, but any time the Twins can beat the Yankees I'll take it.  We've got to get over the mental hump of being dominated by them, and avoiding a sweep is one way to start.

Who's Joe West!?

Do you know? I didn't before today. Joe West is an MLB umpire. He's been making some noise this week.  First he ripped the Yankees and the Red Sox for their slow play, calling it "pathetic" and "embarassing." Then, yesterday, he called not one, but two balks on White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle, which resulted in ejections for both manager Ozzie Guillen and Buehrle. I also learned, from the linked article above, that he's a country singer and entertainer? I don't typically agree with anyone in a White Sox uniform, but I have to agree with some of the comments Mr. Buehrle had regarding the incident after the game.

It does seem a bit suspicious for an MLB umpire to be in the news twice in the same week he has released a new album, doesn't it?

189 ERA

He got an out. One. Not bad. 36 pitches per out makes it hard to complete a game as a pitcher. Life is hard. I like how we always have to play the Brewers for interleague play, and KC is forced with someone like St. Louis. Not that KC is good, but you know. I assume the Brewer faithful has taken over Glueks by now. Kind of sad after that long ride on the Megabus. Always tomorrow, though. Yep, keep telling yourself that. Ben Ogilve isn't walking through that door.

7 wins in a row?!

Let's eat! Only thing is, I control the lazy Susan, capice?

Doesn't anyone write about the Twins anymore?

Things are looking up!

(Just as I celebrate my Santa Monica traffic ticket being closed without paying a cent, there's more good news from Tommy Lasorda!)


You bet I look good, and I feel good too! I would use a picture of me from today, but I accidentally spilled some gravy on my shirt. Our magnificent chef here at the stadium, Dave Pearson, made fried chicken for lunch, and he knows I like mine covered in gravy.

Even a stained shirt won't get in my way - the Dodgers are finally back to .500 after sweeping the Diamondbacks in Arizona! It gets pretty boring watching those games. After last night's triumph, Vin called me and said "Well, the sad snakes bumbled around the bases." Poor guy had to stay for the whole game. Myself, once we were in control, I chose to leave the stadium. Unlike Ken Griffey Jr., I didn't go into the locker room for a nap; I took a drive to the area of our magnificent Spring Training site, Cameltoe...er, Camelback Ranch. People tell me that outside of Phoenix, it's hard to find good places to eat. That's a load of horseshit...you just have to do your work.

I had some snacks in the park, but it had been at least 4 hours since I last ate...and I wanted BBQ. I know Arizona isn't known for it's BBQ, but you can't go against your stomach; you'll be up all night wishing you hadn't! A guy in the clubhouse mentioned Town Talk II as a good place for eats, but it was closed when we showed up. Typical knowledge of a Diamondbacks employee. I called up the hotel concierge and they said Bobby Q was where to go, but hurry; they close at 10. Didn't she know that I have closed restaurants all by myself? She will now!

Got in around 9:40, and the gal at the front tells me they're just closing up. Well, I look at my watch and I tell them I know exactly what I want. So, she goes back to the kitchen and returns to tell me they have pretty much shut down everything, but I could have a bowl of chili. Starving, I put it down, which was satisfactory. I figured at this rate, I could eat with the players...but we were returning to LA right after the game. Everywhere was closing - what kind of town IS this?! I didn't know it was too late to eat around here...probably because everyone wakes up at 5 AM to take advantage of the cool weather. Nice hospitality.

After a quick plane ride (the shaved ham roll-ups were fantastic, but didn't get the job done), I came home at 12:30AM. I didn't want to wake my wife, so on the ride home I began to plan what I could do with minimal light. I could make a hero with salami, bologna, add some provolone and peppers, and turn on the fan before we go to sleep. So what do I see when I open the front door? My wife, waking up on the couch. There's a bottle of my award winning wine on the table, and leftover Sicilian sausages in the fridge. What a woman! So lovely and thoughtful. So, you see...despite all of those problems I encountered, things can still turn out all right.

OK, time to go home for the day, but before I leave, do you remember the Tropicana Night Club in Hollywood? Back in the 80s, I had a dare with Ken Landreaux that I'd go in there and dance all night if he hit for the cycle. If he didn't, he had to go to the ladies night show where the...(cough) hold on, that's my car. Have a fantastic day!

Get in fucking gear

(Yesterday, while complaining at 40 minute parking meters in Santa Monica, and looking forward to writing "unfair" in the memo line of the parking ticket, I began to overhear a terse meeting...)




"Swept by the fucking METS? What the fuck is going on here? I know we've played nearly every game so far this season on the road and on the east coast but...come on. The Pirates, the Nationals...the Reds and even the Mets. Last fucking place?"





"Well, I can understand your frustration. Although, as far as idyllic as we'd like, you know we've battled injuries so far this season. And we can't seem to--"






"I sat there and told you...and I remember this because we had sausage lasagna that day for lunch. You can't be winning games 10-8. And you sure as shit can't have 3 fucking errors a game! We're tied for the most errors in the league."

"Now, that is troubling. I think the biggest problem is the fact that despite a lot of holdover from last season, we don't have the same battery together. Our usual outfield is altered with Manny out with an injury."

"What's up, guys? Sorrry that I injure myself. Manny was batting over .400 before that. Think it's the fields of the other teams, you know? Manny's gonna get some new shoes now! Later!"







"You can't be talking about me either, Skip. I've got 7 Home Runs so far."






"That's a great stat, Matt, but I don't think about your fucking home runs when I watch you 'call' off Ethier on every fly ball. Looks like a puppy trying to catch a meatball in midair. I can't handle that. Look, Joe, every great Dodger team has a bulldog that can just hammer it fucking through. A quality start isn't 5 innings with 110 pitches! Hey - who the hell are you?"


"Hi, Mr. Lasorda. I started one of the doubleheader games in New York."





"Tommy, that's Jon Link...we've, uh, sent him back to Albuquerque."







"Hey Tommy! I think I've got this knuckler down now. Threw one in New York and it only took 14 seconds to get to home plate! Told ya!"








"Where the fuck are the Rolaids?"

Ryan Raburn likes to fail in big spots

I don't know anything about Ryan Raburn other than:

1. He totally dinked Cuddy's liner in game 163 last year, turning a single into a triple when they were ahead.
2. He opens his mouth like a spaz and lets Jim Thome score from first.

Last night, him and Granderson (whoops! I mean Jackson) converged on a fly ball in left-center. Raburn took what some would call an "interesting" route to the ball. He sprinted back towards the fence and then realized the ball was actually not that direction, so he changed and started running towards center. Let's see if we can identify the problem!



As TK would say, that's a shame. You don't ever want to see that.

Bert, when watching the replay, says, "Let's see if Raburn is calling off Jackson. (pause) Nope, he had it all the way, and it just hit the heel of his glove. (pause) Not saying anything right here, just with the open mouth..."



Christ, learn how to field, Detroit.

What letter of the alphabet is Jon Rauch saying right here?

The answer is "F". As in "F"uck off and sit down Inge, I strike you the fuck out now.

My favorite thing about this team, aside from each individual being badass in their own way (Span threw a bat tonight that would make Delmon happy), is that they know they are better than the other team at baseball. It's not luck. They're not getting freak hits and coming back from deficits in the 9th. They're flat out just beating your ass because they're better than you.

So Jon Rauch, a middle-reliever with an 89 mph fastball, can just strike you right the shit out and talk like he's been there before. Because they all have. And the pain train's only going to keep chugging.

Jim Thome has a very good eye

Laying off those reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaly close pitches...

Same old shit

Some of you may remember the post-season of 2009, where baseball's umpires decided that accuracy wasn't exactly needed for that time of year. Remember when Tim McClelland made this bizarro call? Be that as it may, bad calls happen...even if you'd like to think these are the best guys out there. But what about when umpires decide to change the rules of the game?

I'm guessing you didn't watch last night's Dodgers/Reds game, and I certainly don't blame you. But in the 4th inning, Andre Ethier made a questionable catch with 2 out and the bases loaded. On the fly it looked close...certainly not a clean catch. Usually in that circumstance, the batter would be ruled a hit, in the same vein as tie goes to the runner. But, first base umpire (uh oh) Tim McClelland called him out. (An umpire who said, after the replay of one of his horseshit calls from last year's playoffs, "I'm not sure I believe the replay.") Oh well, life sucks for Reds fans...again.

Renowned thinker Dusty Baker lumbered out of the dugout to protest the call, showing a rare moment in good judgement. So, McClelland brings the other umpires together and reverses the call, awarding Aaron Harang a single. Why only a single? Why not a double? Where do the runners go? Well, the umpires decide all this on the fly.

I have not watched all baseball games every year of my life, but I know enough about the game that umpires can't do that. Steve Lyons, who provided "color" for the game in-between visits to the tanning salon, agreed. Now, this guy played pro ball and hasn't seen that.

After the game, McClelland had poop falling out of his mouth when he said the following:

"I called him out. We got together. Through consultation we determined that he didn't catch the ball. We got a directive that says we can place runners where we thought they would have been had the call been called accurately the first time. We put the runners at the bases."

Interesting story. A friend of mine so happens to have the official MLB rulebook Quote:
9.02 (A) - Any umpire’s decision which involves judgment, such as, but not limited to, whether a batted ball is fair or foul, whether a pitch is a strike or a ball, or whether a runner is safe or out, is final. No player, manager, coach or substitute shall object to any such judgment decisions.

but yet...

9.04 (c) If different decisions should be made on one play by different umpires, the umpire-in-chief shall call all the umpires into consultation, with no manager or player present. After consultation, the umpire-in-chief (unless another umpire may have been designated by the league president) shall determine which decision shall prevail, based on which umpire was in best position and which decision was most likely correct. Play shall proceed as if only the final decision had been made.

Problem: Two different umpires didn't make a call on the play. Only McClelland made a call.

So...oops, you fucked up. Right, Tim? I mean, had Vin called the game, he would have talked of "how the umpires are mired in a rhubarb." The LA Times recap barely mentioned it, but the AP report at least interviewed you. Anything, Tim? Another game where you "do the best you can"? That's not good enough.

I think we should remember that name.

Subtractin all the rappers who lack, over Premier's tracks...

Quote my wife (again) - "That happened to my team when we played softball in high school"

Umm....

Quote my wife:

"He should've stayed at third"

Twins see payoff of Santana trade

A columnist in Minnesota actually wrote that. Can you guess which one? The answer is right here. Did you get it wrong? You did? Then do the world a favor and stop using its oxygen. You don't deserve it.

I honestly don't try to read his column . . . ever. With that eye grabber of a title, well, you have to go read the trainwreck. I'm just speechless.

When we trade Al Jefferson, will the KG trade make sense, Sid? How about the Lou Brock trade? Cubbies getting the better end of that one, finally? How about the Tigers getting rid of some pitcher by the name of Smoltz? Dividends, yet? How is the drama scene in Boston these days? Awesome because of the Babe Ruth sale?

Then he went on as to why the North Stars left. WRONG. I'm rambling now.

Yeah, that one is not coming back

Happiness begins anew!

With the baseball season starting today (whatever ESPN might have you think) we turn to Hall of Fame manager Tommy Lasorda for his thoughts!


Sure, I'll sign a wiffle ball. Just let me - whoa...wait a minute. Who changed the background of this site? Looks like a flashback to kids bedsheets in the 1980 JCPenney catalog. Nice fuckin' move...you should coach 3rd base somewhere with that decision making.

I guess I shouldn't be pissed off. After all, it's opening day! We waited through a long off-season and finally made it here. Did any of you attend Spring Training games? I was there at Cameltoe...er, Camelback Ranch where the Dodgers play. It's really a beautiful facility, and I can tell you that the team did well by me: I have my own dining room there as well! As you know, traveling makes finding and enjoying good meals all the more difficult. Took me a week to find good Italian when we moved here, so I've balanced out my diet with plenty of Mexican food. When I order in Spanish, wherever I go, I get a free margarita. Can't beat that.

And speaking of beating...the Dodgers lost today to the Pirates. That feels bad enough, but the sneaking suspicion that the club didn't completely address the lack of pitching was a bright light in the face. Especially in Pittsburgh, a team will occasionally lose there because you're trying to get the strength up to face each day. That's how life is there. Gotta say at first I couldn't understand why we have a day off before our second game, but now I know we need the work.

Additionally, I'm sure you've heard a lot in the off-season about the McCourt's divorce and who would end up owning the team. Hell, Farmer John can buy em for all I care...it's about making the right decisions. One of the things in the gossip pages was that this might be Torre's last year before retirement. The name to replace him: bench coach Don Mattingly. What, is Steve Sax busy?

Sorry guys, this performance on the opening day has put me in a funk. I had a couple of Italian Sausages before the game, but that didn't help matters much. Guess I'll go to Rico's here in Pittsburgh tonight for Linguine and Clams, just like Mike Damone! But enough about all that - let's talk about the other team in this "blog" - the Twins!

I can't imagine the happiness the Twins fans must have...they're back outside, in that wild Minnesota weather, taking advantage of what few nice days they have. And that's how it should be! Playing in a dome can be tough for your emotions. First couple of times I went to the Astrodome, I was in awe. This was truly a stadium from the future. But as I told Walter Alston back then (who registered no response to my comments; nothing new there) - I hope this ISN'T the future, because I feel like I'm in an airplane hangar. I don't FEEL like I'm at a ballgame. Let me give you an example:

Back in May of 1991, we're taking care of the Astros...I look over to the Astro dugout and see Art Howe place a big brown tank next to him. I didn't know what the hell it was, so I went back to managing the game. Later on, I look over again cause I want to see if they're going to bring in a new pitcher, and there's Art, with a mask up to his face. Turns out he was on laughing gas. Then it dawned on me that you HAD to do something like that just to take playing in here day in and out. That's the first and only time as manager back then (not including spring training) where I fell asleep during a game. Juan Samuel woke me up.

I never managed a game in the old Met Stadium, but I can only guess that this new stadium will get such lore. Will there be a Rusty Scupper, Howard Wong's, Mother Tuckers and Lincoln Del nearby?

I wish the Twins luck in taking apart the Angels and having a great season in that new park. Remember fans - they did this for you just as much as for themselves. Show up and be sure to put away those Schweigert hot dogs!