There are these White Sox blogs...

... and they are very funny to read.

That one is from January of 2010, and discusses our very own Jimothy Thome. It's spectacular, so I'll quote it here:

E-nough Already About Thome

I know it's just fans being fans, but the White Sox faithful are overreacting to Ozzie Guillen's decision to move on without Jim Thome and the slugger's subsequent signing with the rival Twins.

I know he was productive for the Sox and I know he's a great guy, but there simply wasn't a fit in the new Sox universe. I was upset when Joe Crede went to Minnesota because it just didn't sit well with me, but Thome not so much. Like Crede, he very well could beat us in a game or two, but that's baseball.

As a Sox fan friend of mine said yesterday, we're not going to lose the division because of Thome's departure--it's all about the pitching. And if things work out the way we think they will, that will be our major strength in 2010.

I'll leave you with this. Remember that some of the same Sox fans were scratching their heads and voicing their outrage over trading Carlos Lee and a minor leaguer for Scott Podsednik and Luis Vizcaino prior to 2005. So, how did that work out?

I think the thing that is truly funny about White Sox blogs - and as an extension, their fans - is that they have a real knack for bitching about their team, yet they always come back with some "Well it's bad, but we can still beat the Twins" nonsense.

Here's how this works: losing Jim Thome to the Twins was one of the worst GM decisions, ever. Not only did you trade him at the deadline for garbage, but then when he wanted to come back, the GM wouldn't even talk to him. Just "Nope, go away". They didn't sign him because they didn't want him at any price. Ok, so that's half of the worst thing ever. But then he went to YOUR DIVISION RIVAL. And he absolutely slaughtered it here, giving us the first respectable DH since Ortiz, and he wasn't on the sauce yet, so he sucked when he was here. I can't imagine that could have gone any worse for the White Sox. And yet, here's that attitude. The idea of "Well, it's bad, but we can still go get them". No you can't. The White Sox occasionally thrive on the circus atmosphere that their buffoon coach and dumb-o GM encourage, but it's always a freak occurrence. Sometimes it all aligns and they win 13 in a row. But the norm, for this new regime, is one of utter failure. Sure, they're not as bad as Kansas City, but that's because they spend 3 times as much money. If they had a small payroll, they might not win 10 games a season.

So, just admit it. Just someone, some honest White Sox fan out there, please write an article that says "Holy Jesus God, we really ballsed up that Jim Thome thing". Say the truth. "We let Jim Thome go to our division rival and now they are even better and we are worse and we got nothing from that deal and now we get to play golf early". Other fanbases don't have a problem with this.

I think it all comes back to the mouth-breathing.

So, that's Thome, but then there's this:

And then there was last night. While the Sox fell to the Twins, 8-5, a incident involving Paul Konerko best illustrates what the 2010 Pale Hose have been all about.

In the first inning, with two outs and Omar Vizquel at first base, a Carl Pavano pitch collided with Konerko's face. Being led off the field by Ozzie and trainer Herm Schneider, Paulie refused to come out of the game and jogged to first, fat lip and all. Then, in the third frame, Konerko got the appropriate revenge by smashing his 37th homer of the season.

You can make the case that this scenario is the Sox season in a nutshell. It can be summed up this way: resiliency, resiliency, resiliency.

Wow. Ok, here we go again. See, there are two ways of looking at this. One, in which Konerko is a hero and picks himself up out of the dirt, shakes it off, and cracks a long home run in his next at bat. That makes for a great story.

Of course, the other one is the truth. That one goes: The Twins run a fastball into the Bitch Sox' mouths and then they laugh while sweeping them in Chicago.

See? Both ways!

If Paul gets up and hits the game winner, I agree, put him on the front page. It's a great story. But when you start talking about "resiliency", perhaps a better way to say that is "they have no other choices at first base, so even if Paul can't see, he's better than the garbage on the bench". And also, in speaking of "resiliency", I think you could point to the Twins actually being better at that than the White Sox. Because they, you know, win. All the time. Even with their backups in (notice who is catching in those pictures. It ain't Joe). The Twins take the White Sox' best punch, and they punch even harder, knocking them right the piss out of the race. And then they hit you in the face with a baseball...

Awesome.

HIT BALL TO MULTIFOODS TOWER

Potsy?

Post Script

A few years ago I discussed the White Sox and their culture of anger in another blog.

As further evidence of that claim, I give you Jim Thome. As a Twin:

Just look at how happy he is to be a Twin and, more importantly, not a BitchSox.

With inability comes failure and with failure comes anger.  So is the life of the Chicago White Sox. Sorry Mouthbreathers, it's just not going to be your year. Again.

And then you wake up in the morning and you still suck

Well, that should about do it. As inevitable as a sunrise, the Bitch Sox collapse again when it matters, and we move on to a brighter future.

But we don't move on without a proper sendoff. Cue the chuckwagons.

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The White Sox are a failure organization. They just are. They fail at most things. I was watching the game last night and someone I was with even commented "Their color scheme is even boring. Just black and white. Stupid." Yes. It is stupid. No color, no signature theme. Just stupid black and stupid white. But it goes so much further than that. Let's break it down.

(I will be addressing the White Sox directly in the second person, so get ready to feel uncomfortable)

Your catcher is old and is a free agent. You should've dumped him at the break. Now he walks for nothing. But even if you re-sign him, you'll pay a lot of money and get an old catcher. Your backup catcher can't quite fit into his jockstrap yet. The baby Jesus, he is not. His name is also Flowers. So, for the position of catcher, FAIL.

Your first baseman is having a great season. That's fun. He's also old and slow. He drops the ball at first base. He can't score from second on a hit to the outfield unless it runs a gap. AND, he's a free agent. So in order to get your old, not-going-to-be-hitting-like-this-for-one-more-season first baseman, you'll have to pay him more than he's worth. In the minors, you have nothing. He's been the only good player on your team this year, and Morneau is better. So, with regard to the position of first baseman, FAIL.

Speaking of, how perfectly poignant was it to see him take a clop in the chops last night? What symbolism. The Twins just hit the Bitches right in the mouth, just run a fastball right up into your pearly whites, and you spit blood, run to first, and suck your thumb. Then when the Twins come to bat, you lightly brush Cuddyer and he comes around to score. A punch in the face for the Bitches, then a light slap for the Twins, resulting in a run. Funny.

Your infield is duct-taped together, and is at its peak right now. Gordon Beckham broke his wrist/hand and you thought it was a great idea to bring him back early. He now can't hold the bat. Alexei played out of his ass in 2008, and has now regressed to average at best. Both of them have fielding issues. Third base is an utter mess... not one single player you have put in there has been good in any way. Mark Teahan is a joke at the plate, and yet is somehow even worse at fielding the baseball. This guy Morel is a minor league mainstay. And your utility infielder is Omar Vizquel, who is old and walks gingerly.

So, infield: FAIL.

Oh let's get to those outfielders. Right field: you let Jermaine Dye go because he was old and getting fat and couldn't field at all. Ok, fine. But now you have Quentin. And he's fat, and looks like he is taking a shit when he stands in the box, which is funny, because then he actually HITS like he's dumping a load. But here's the thing: he can't field either. He's got to be just as bad as JD. So that's fun. Then you've got centerfield. You split time between Alex Rios (who also looks like he's taking a dumper-doo up at the plate) and Andruw Jones. Jones runs away from the ball when it is hit to him. He is fat and old, and confused in the field. Alex Rios makes like 18 million dollars a year to look confused. He hits average, fields average, and makes as much as Torii. Then Pierre, the man who never met a single he didn't like. He's alright in the field, certainly better than any other garbage out there, but he slaps nothing but singles. He steals bases wonderfully, however. He is the best outfielder you have, which is funny, because he's barely good enough to start in the NL West. So, outfield, FAIL.

You completely lucked into your starting pitching, and are doing your best to throw it all away. Danks and Floyd are average guys who sometimes pitch well against Kansas City. They always lose to the Twins, always. They are your 3rd and 4th starters at best. Buerhle threw a perfect game and sometimes shuts down the Twins. But he's old. He can't be considered an ace. And then you went and traded away a promising youngster for Edwin Fucking Jackson, WHO COULDN'T CUT IT IN DETROIT. To round it all out, you mortgaged the future to get ahold of Jake Peavy, who was REALLY good pitching against Arizona and San Francisco, two teams who think the game ends when they score 2 runs. He tore a tit muscle and will be injured forever. Fortunately, you banked your entire future on this flame-out. The reason I say that you "lucked into" these guys is because Kenny Williams can't stop himself from making deals even when he's got solid players. He won't hesitate to just dump the best players on the team for garbage. And he's already done this... see Richard, Clayton and Hudson, Daniel. But somehow he kept Floyd and Danks, even though you just know he wants to dump them for Pedro as soon as he signs with Philly. And also, as soon as Danks and Floyd become free agents, they're going to be very expensive, because you started them so early. So, starting pitching, FAIL.

And then the bullpen. Oh god, the bullpen.

Bobby Jenks is really fat and dyes his facial hair. He also has a bad back, because he's fat. He's like David Wells, and is going down just like him. Matt Thornton was pretty good this year... until Jim Thome hit one to Robbinsdale and all of a sudden he had a shoulder problem. He's been absolute garbage before this year, and he will be again soon. That kid Sale throws all hurdy-gurdy, but the Twins seem to have figured him out, and it's not going to take long for the word to get out. JJ Putz looked good in Seattle, but you'd look good too in 19 games against both Oakland and Texas (when they sucked). Now he walks guys with the bases loaded because he can't figure out the rules of the game. Sergio Santos was heralded as the next big prick, but then in his last 7 games he has an ERA of 13.5. NOT GOING TO CUT IT, YOUNG MAN. Overall, their full failure this season is a direct result of a failed bullpen... not one guy stepped up and became unhittable, not one guy was competent at throwing the baseball. It all adds up to FAIL.

But you can't ignore the big one. Oh, make no mistake, this season was a strike-out in a lot of areas, but absolutely nothing personified it better than Manny Fucking Ramirez, and the Grand DH Experiment.

Let me get this right, Bitches: You let Jim Thome - the same Jim Thome who is capable of hitting baseballs to other states - walk away for nothing. In fact, you didn't "let" him do anything... you "forced" him out. He was told he was no longer needed, at all, not even at a discount. So he signed with the Twins... FOR HALF OF NICK PUNTO'S SALARY. Jim leads the Twins in both home runs and "Dicks Kicked". So, that was a great move. But, pray tell, who did you fill Jim's role with? MARK MOTHERFUCK KOTSAY?!?!?!? Holy bosephus, this does not compute. This wouldn't happen to be the 34 year old journeyman who never hit more than 17 home runs in a single season, would it? The guy who hasn't had over 50 RBI since 2006? Not him. Couldn't be him. Oh but it is. So now you've got Kotsay at DH, and of course he's failing, hard. So then you go out and be Kenny Williams, again, and get Manny Ramirez. You do a straight waiver claim, don't get the Dodgers to pay any of his salary, so now you owe him 4 million dollars for a month of baseball. He responds by:

1) Using Joey Cora as an interpreter in an interview, even though he speaks better english than Joey and perfectly understands every question posed to him.

2) Hitting only singles.

3) Not caring one single tiny bit if the White Sox win or lose.

And that's just it. Last year it was Griffey, which was funny because they played him in centerfield even though he sometimes falls down when he is jogging. And this year it is an aging Man-Ram, the man who thinks the current score of the baseball game is 4 to Q. You literally would've been better piling 4 million dollars on the pitchers mound in one dollar bills and lighting them aflame for all to see.

And so, ultimately, it's not about the positions. It's about the organization. You just can't get it right, can you? In the past 3 seasons, the Bitches are 1-11 against the Twins in September. This year, they went 5-13.

Your failure is complete. You go home now, like you always do. You go away, and you don't get to speak anymore. You lost.

Bring on the Hands-On-Head Bitch Sox fan, one last time...

The Mayor of Fail City

Well, that sure was fun, bitches.

This Sums it Up Pretty Good

Manny being....Bret Boone

YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH YOU'LL SAVE

Alex Rios in centerfield, like Andruw Jones, dislikes catching baseballs hit towards him

One more out gets us out of the inning, guys! Oh no, a fly ball hit right to me...

Loooooooooooooong tuba note.


Hey Sox fan, what do you think?

I don't care for Matt Guerrier

Matt Guerrier is garbage, and I never trusted him, and I never will. He's one of those fucking jokers that just cannot be trusted.

Matt Guerrier sucks.

Time to check the dip-stick

Perhaps tonight we'll measure for depth, width, and volume?



Thome wins at all 3.

HA HA HA HA HA

Just go ahead and click to get the full size picture.

She ain't just a river in Egypt...

Here go the White Sox, trying to win the division...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, just missed it.

4 1/2 Things To Know About The Sux

The Startribune ran a story with a similar name to this post, here. It pointed out, more or less, what we here on this blog have been saying for the last month.  That is that the White Sox have little to no chance of catching the Twins. And while the article didn't really teach us anything new, it did make me want to do my own list of things to know the Southside Ass-clowns.

1. They're mouth breathers.
2. They're bad at life. Really bad.
3. Manny Ramirez isn't going to help ANYONE win ANYTHING. Not even a cockfight.
4. Ozzie Guillen isn't good at opening his mouth without saying something stupid.
4.5 They use their mouths to breath.

Remember when... (sad horns)

Nearing "100% Probability"

What do you see out of the corner of your eye? Is that... FAILURE creeping up?

Nick Punto could also benefit from this idea

Delmon Young, on Jim Thome:

He's been hitting downtown too much lately. It's fun to watch. It's a tough act to follow because he's hitting balls 500 feet. To hit it farther is impossible, unless you're swinging from second base.

Let's do some graphs

Depending on which calculations you read, the Twins currently have about a 90% chance of winning the Central this year. As articulated by Mr. Kelly below, their path is easier than the White Sox, and they have that cushion to begin with. I thought we'd take a look at a few graphs showing playoff odds.


Let's start with the White Sox:

Hey rollercoaster! Surprisingly, for almost a month, they were over 50% to make the playoffs. But now, look at that fall. It kind of represents the White Sox as a whole, come to think of it: play real good for a month during the season and justify all their mouth-breathing fans, only to tank it when it counts. Saaaaaaaaaad horns.


Now let's take a look at the Twins:

Wow, they bottomed out in June and July. But that was when Morneau hurt his head, and then all of a sudden they started winning. Now they are streaking towards 100%. Typical Twins season, play around in the middle of the year, and then CLOSE HARD.


And, just for comedy, the Tigers:

That's what the machine looks like when they lose the patient.

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EDIT: I'm taking this up a notch.

First, look at the Nationals from 2007. I don't think you could come up with a better description for this, other than, WEEEOMP



Next we have the Rockies from the same season. What a run to get back into it (and eventually go to the Series). They were pretty much a flat-line, and then it was off to the races...



And, finally, the Mets from 2007. Oh heavenly father, what an epic collapse

Handicapping the Dog-Track

(you've just shanked another ball into the pond)


Tough break, kid.

Well, here we are, isn't that right? Breaking down the old American League central. I have to be honest here, I didn't think the White Sox had what it takes... especially in the not-running-it-down-the-leg department. But here we sit, and it's going down to the wire. I've been in a few of these in my day, and I've got to tell you that this Twins team is going to be ahead at the end of the season, that much I am sure of. The question is how they are going to get there. Let's get into it and break down how they should close this out, using dog-racing analogies, like only I know how.

DOG BETTING TIP #1 - Never take the dog on the rail if it's a slippery track

Sure kids, the White Sox look like they are pulling it all together for one big finish. They go out and get that son-of-a-bitch Ramirez and all of a sudden they are more powerful than the hometown boys. Well, let me tell you something here, they're on the rail and they're going to have to race like hell just to get into the lead. Know what happens when dogs on the rail push too hard?


You see the dog that just pushes forward after all that mayhem? That's the Twins.

DOG BETTING TIP #2 - Unlike horses, you want to bet on the dog that actually looks the skinniest and most malnourished

Why? Because he's chasing after food. You know when they pull the dogs into the little blue room to be shown in front of the closed-circuit prison camera? You want to bet on the one where you can see detailed outline of the ribs. A hungry dog will always close better. They can smell the meat at that distance. Me and Gil (that's a dog trainin' buddy of mine) used to go out and sprinkle a little gristle on the rabbit just to incite those dogs to finish hard. And boy, the hungry one would always sprint right at the end, just knowing they could get that sweet meat. The Twins are hungry this year, they know they were bred just for this type of stretch run, and Ron and the guys have kept them underfed all year. Now it's time to bust out and git that rabbit.

DOG BETTING TIP #3 - Bet on the dog that's been there before

The thing is, dogs with experience run more consistently. They know what it takes around each turn, and just how close they can get to the rabbit before they yank it away. An inexperienced dog will just bust after that thing full-bore for the first lap, and then his tongue is waggin' and he's heading in for some kibble. But the experienced dog knows that there is a t-bone waiting at the end if he just paces himself and takes each turn careful. The Twins are that dog: steady, deliberate, methodical. These are the dogs that you want to get to know their trainers. Because nothing beats going 4 for 4 on a Sunday at St. Croix.

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Now let's just have a look at the schedule difference between the Twins and White Sox. I'll give you which teams they'll be playing for the rest of the year, and separating these teams into a few categories. Blogger, don't fail me now...

Twins

• UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 12 games)
• MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, Oakland, Toronto, White Sox (total of 16 games)
• ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Texas (total of 3 games)

White Sox

• UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 8 games)
  
• MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, LA Angels, Boston, Oakland (total of 20 games)
  
• ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Minnesota (total of 3 games)

Now here's some findings for you. First, the Whiteys can't beat garbage teams. Let's not forget that the only reason they are here right now is because they beat up on the NL garbage teams. But the AL? They are having problems. They are a combined 13-15 against the Royals and Indians, two teams they see for 8 more games. If history holds there, they will go 4-4. The Twins are doing, oh, how do you say, the funking when it comes to the garbage teams. They are 16-8 against the Royals and Indians, which would come out to at least 8-4 against those guys the rest of the way. I think I see a potential for gaining games here.

If you wash the rest of the "middle" teams (and just assume that each team will play about .500), then it comes down to REALLY needing to beat the "good" teams. If the Twins can even get a game from Texas, then the White Sox will absolutely need to sweep the Twins to even keep it close. You see, by my classification system up there, the Twins are the only really good team they play. Every other team, besides KC and Cleve, will be roughly the same for each team. For example, if the Sox beat Boston loud, and take 6 games from them, then the Twins will be just as likely to do that against Detroit. There is no probability difference between those teams. And since they can't make hay against the garbage (and the Twins most decidedly CAN), then they really need to beat MN in all 3 games.

Kids, I'll leave you with one thought:

What do you think the fucking odds are of the White Sox sweeping the Twins when the games matter?

Morning Findings

It's so slow at work this morning that I decided it was time to sift through all the pictures on my hard drive. Well, as you may or may not have seen across my blog-o-verse, I've found a few I'm fond enough to share - or in some cases, re-share.

This is one of them.

What I really like about this picture, besides the age is the path from the dugout to the batters box.

In the event that you get confused as to which way you're supposed to be going, they have convenient arrows to help you get there. Plus, it looks like the on-deck circles are about even with home plate. Seems a bit dangerous if you ask me.

Awesomeness.

Actually Rog, I don't think this one's got the distance

Welcome to the sinking ship, Manny!

A break in the meal

(We take you to a conversation that took place at the home of Mr. Robert Uecker that occurred in the early evening...yesterday)


While Bob is in the can, I just want to thank you, Sue, for preparing that delicious meal. You name the German sausage, I love it. And thanks for the personal touch of soaking Fernando's brats in Carta Blanca.

Sí, gracias. Eso es mi cerveza predilecta, y estuvo deliciosos.

I think you and I, Nando, should have a bit of excitement in our post-dinner conversation before Sue pours one of my award winning wines. The Dodgers just came into town and swept the Brewers, showing everyone we're not out of it yet. There's a whole month of baseball left, and we're still making deals.

Muchos los jugadores más viejos que tenemos juegan fantástico.

You're telling me! You hear and read a lotta people saying bullshit like all of our pick-ups are guys washed up. Let me run down these stats for you!

Podsednik, batting .294, and he can actually run unlike other older left fielders. Theriot batting .295 and can run while getting a double play to help our cause. Lilly is 5-0 since joining us. And a few other guys are doing good...covering for our "superstars" who've turned to shit.

Yo no sé de conseguir el más cerca de Pittsburgh.

Me either. THAT's a position where if a guy is awful, it IS his fault. So rare for the Pirates to be winning a game, so if they blow it, it's on his fucking head. Why'd we get him? Fuck if I know. But Broxton has Albuquerque written all over him, I guess. (belch) Whoop, excuse me. But I'm glad we got three here. These guys we just got give a fuck, which is all I ask.

Perdone, Sue. ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño?

If you want to follow to bathroom after Uecker, it's your funeral. Hell, I feel bad for Sue...she prepared this fantastic meal, and all three of us will have destroyed it. Maybe I can hold out until we get to the airport...

Acabo de comer de terminar, Tommy.

Sorry, Fernando. Excuse me, Sue...do you know if there's a place in Milwaukee that sells gelato?

Face

The big question here?

Is he clapping or was he trying to catch the ball? 

Also, what's up with his buddy on the left?

And the girl behind him is having a laugh at his inability to properly be a baseball fan.

Is that Grabiel??

That's all we got???

You can't say "goddamn" on the air.

Let's get back on track in Kansas City, eh guys???

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad horns.

Good morning!

Hey Ozzie, what's it like watching your shortstop throw home when the run has already scored?






Play him off, Hands-On-Head Bitch Sox fan!