An embarassment of riches! - Tommy Does Minnesota, Part 1

(Editor's Note: Baseball legend Tommy Lasorda is in Minneapolis for the Dodgers/Twins series.  We've asked him to write a summary each day on his visit)

Well, I know this might not be the right thing to do as this is a Twins "blog" but I needed a win like that.  The Dodgers needed a win like that, and so did the fans.  Folks, I never expected to hear that the Dodgers would be bankrupt!  Sure, with Frank sleazing around town it might have been inevitable, but in my heart of hearts, I didn't think it would happen.  And I bleed Dodger Blue, as you know.

Ironically, I heard the news as I was touring Target Field.  What a fantastic ballpark!  The fans of Minnesota deserved such a place, and it must feel good knowing that your team isn't on the auction block.  Huh?  Oh, it was?  That's right, it was.  Well, (clears throat) I did my best on a tour of the stadium.  Some highlights included the steak sandwich, which was really wonderful.  The Cuban sandwiches were all right, but remember, I was in Cuba for a while.  Plus, outside of me, who would order that?

The length of the game, I was thinking of where to celebrate the victory.  I needed a pick-me-up.  So, whadda ya say we head to David Fong's?  I actually got kind of screwed up here, because some old scouts were telling me about Howard Wong's, but we can't find out where it is.

How about that, Mr. Lasorda?!  Four hits!  My best game ever!  Great win!










Yeah, thanks...who are you?







Trent Oletjen...I played Right tonight.







Right, yeah!  (nervously looks around)







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Well folks, I'm back at the hotel to give you more of a recap.  It really was a fantastic night.  I don't want to rub it in, but let me give you a stat rundown of this performance!

1 Fong's House Chicken
1 Shrimp Hong Kong (Lopes liked that one)
1 Beef Chow Mein
1 Combo Lo Mein (reminds me of pasta!)
They even let me bring in my own bottle of wine!

See you tomorrow night!

Buckle it up

Note: this is the latest chapter in the cross-post bonanza happening internet-wide (on 4 different websites)

I have two rules in life:

1) Don't do a gig for less than $200.
2) Only knock Tommy down the page if you are posting scans of the 1986 Twins Yearbook.


Giddy and go.

In 1986 the Twins won 71 games. They had won 77 the year before, and with the young core of Puckett, Hrbek, Bruno and Rat, plus the pitching of Bert and Frankie, they were supposed to improve in 86. It didn't quite work out that way.

This is a public service announcement for the Metrodome. Brought to you by the good people who control the Metrodome. Co-authored, I'm sure, by Sid Hartman. Did you guys know that by playing in the Dome, the Twins never had one rain delay? Oh, but they did have to STOP A FUCKING GAME IN EXTRA INNINGS BECAUSE THE GOPHERS HAD TO PLAY THAT NIGHT.

TINKER FIELD. BERT BLYLEVEN, WEARING THE ST. PATTY'S DAY GEAR.

I don't think we survived the crash.

Hi there, my name's Carl! I'm an honest, hard-working American like yourself who just wants to put a good product out on the field. I bought this team because of my love of baseball and Minnesota! Hang on one sec... (picks up phone, puts hand over mouthpiece) I don't give a shit how many kids she's got, if she's behind on the mortgage we toss her ass to the rats! So come out this year and watch our young stars win! Guaranteed no rainouts!

P.S. Howard T. Fox Jr. is DEFINITELY the kind of guy who casually drops the F-word to waitresses at lunch.

1. TK, how bright is it?
2. Tony, didn't your entire hitting philosophy revolve around "Swing at slop, drive into gaps, go to Murray's and eat a big steak"? How long does it take to teach that to Bruno?

Stelly is still with the team. And he's as angry as he appeared in that picture. How many times do you think Stelly has openly questioned Scott Baker's prowess? A million?

Aaaaaaaaaaaand here's the reason the 86 Twins bombed out. Ron Davis was 2-6 with a 9.08 ERA. His WHIP was 2.172. This excerpt from Wikipedia says it all:

In 1986, his last year with the Twins, Davis began the year with two saves in April. These would be the last saves of his career. He gave up his first runs of that season in a game against the California Angels. After hitting the first batter he faced, Davis eventually loaded the bases and allowed the game tying run to score by throwing a wild pitch. In the bottom of the ninth, he then gave up a three run home run to lose the game. In another infamous game that year against the Boston Red Sox, he came on in a save situation in the ninth inning. After getting his first two batters out, he loaded the bases and then issued a walk to force in the tying run. He then hit the next batter with a pitch to force in the winning run. With that loss, Davis lost his closer's role and was later traded to the Chicago Cubs in mid-season. He was used sparingly in relief the rest of his career.

They fired his ass because a loser is a loser.

However, people often point to this as a turning point for the Twins, being that RD was out and Jeff Reardon moved in the next season. Hey, sometimes you gotta break some eggs.

When in doubt, just print the word "Twins" under beer cans, you'll get where you're goin.

"Nobody knows where Vaughn will land, but it won't be back in Boston".

I figure Boston fans probably get a good 20 years of joy out of shit like this. Sure, it may not be full belly-laughter, but it's got to still bring a smile. Hey Mets, how did that work out?

If you have a mustache and your name is Louisiana Lightnin', then the probability that you contracted an STD over the course of your playing career hovers around 1.

The very same ligament that was designed to hold the elbow together was the one that was ruptured?!?!?

"I slipped, and fell in mud. RUINING the very pants I was going to return".

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! YOU HIT ALL THOSE HOME RUNS BECAUSE YOU DRANK MILK? PERHAPS IF I DRINK ENOUGH MILK I CAN HIT 70 HOME RUNS IN A SEASON AND HAVE A LOT OF BACNE!!!

Doctor's Orders

(Turning off TV)

"That's it!  I'm sick of fucking Mr. Yankees taking us into the toilet.  Honey, get me one of my award-winning wines and the phone.

(Takes bite of Italian Sausage)
               
           

  Yeah, Dugout.

What the fuck are you doing?  Do you know what your job is, Mr. Singles-all-the-time?  You have to MANAGE.  You don't have the power in the line-up?  Think your bullpen is shit?  Then you better manage!

                            

Yeah, but what can I do?  We have the worst bullpen in the National League...2nd worst in the bigs...only better than the Twins.  Gotta keep shoving guys on a bus to Albuquerque.  Hell...these guys might not get their paychecks at the end of the month.  By the way, how long are you supposed to keep a starter in the game?  5 innings or 9?  I can't remember what the book says.

Donnie, I'm going to say it slow so a Yankee understands.  Ever since you shaved off that mustache, your life hasn't been the same, Capice?  I spent a whole fucking day at Tutti Santi, having lunch with you and giving you insight few have!  The kind of shit that prevents you from being out-managed and swept by Dusty Baker!  When I had Dusty on my teams, you know what we used to do keep him focused?  Tell him he hadn't hit in a week!  Which was BULLSHIT!  But he was dumb enough to believe me!

 

(Softly)  Is that Tommy on the line?

                       

GET HIM THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

                       

     

(Softly) Just tell him that I can get Fox to do an advance--

I WILL PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING MUSH THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.

 Tommy?  Are you still there?  We got a day off tomorrow, and I've got an autograph signing at the California Truck & Cycle Show but then after--

     

You and me are gonna have lunch at the stadium.  I'm calling Dave, and he'll make the fried chicken with sawmill gravy.  And if you want to keep your fucking job, you're telling that show you can't make it.  Otherwise, I'm sending YOU down to Albuquerque.  And after lunch we're gonna meet Kenley Jansen half-way...and send him back.

      Yeah, but Tommy, I need pitchers.

                                  

I'll tell you what you fucking need. 

(hangs up)

          

I'm one of those internet guys now...

That took longer than it should have.

Not sayin, just sayin

A month ago I wrote on how Ivan DeJesus Jr. needed to be sent to Albuquerque.  And he has...and been up and (quickly) sent down again.  My suggestion for a replacement was Dee Gordon.

So now...this transaction actually (finally?) happens, in time for the series in Philly.  I know it's just a couple of games, but here's some quotes from cbssports.com on his performance...the kinds of shit Ivan didn't do in LA.

Dee Gordon had three hits in his first start, helping the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 6-2, Tuesday night. Gordon, the son of former major league pitcher Tom Gordon, made his major league debut as a pinch runner and scored in the ninth in a loss Monday night.

With his dad watching from a front-row seat behind the Dodgers dugout, Gordon led off the game with a single and singled in his next two at-bats. He scored a run, stole a base and finished 3 for 5.

By the way, when players you remember from your HIGH SCHOOL DAYS have kids that now play in the majors, you are officially old.

Is this the worst lineup we have seen since 1995?

Oh, I think it is:

1. Denard Span, CF
2. Alexi Casilla, SS
3. Michael Cuddyer, 1B
4. Danny Valencia, 3B
5. Delmon Young, DH
6. Ben Revere, RF
7. Brian Dinkelman, LF
8. Rene Rivera, C
9. Matt Tolbert, 2B

Holy moly, look at that garbage.  Danny Valencia is batting clean-up.  Check out those 7-8-9 hitters.

DINKELMAN.

So, let's see just how bad this team is compared to the 1995 squad:

(OPS)

CF
Denard Span - .759 / Rich Becker - .599

SS
Alexei Casilla - .624 / Pat Mears - .742

1B
Michael Cuddyer - .715 / Scott Stahoviak - .714 (let's call this a tie)

3B
Danny Valencia - .637 / Scott Leius - .684

DH
Delmon Young - .524 / Pedro Munoz - .827

RF
Ben Revere - .610 / Kirby Puckett - .894

LF
Brian Dinkelman (NO DATA AVAILABLE) / Marty Cordova - .839

C
Rene Rivera - .661 / Matt Walbeck - .617

2B
Matt Tolbert - .513 / Chuck Knoblauch - .911

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kay.  I see the 1995 team winning 6 position battles, and the current squad taking two.

What jumps out?  How about Scott Stahoviak (the lead singer for Creed?) right there with Michael Cuddyer.  How much do you guess that the Twins paid Scott Stahoviak?  Well, it was $109,000.  Cuddy?  Just 10 million.  So, you know....

Danny Valencia, who is batting clean up today, is defeated by Scott Leius.  Not enough energy for a joke there.

Look at Pedro Munoz KILLING Delmon Young.  The sad thing?  Pedro could probably play left field better than Delmon too.  AND DELMON IS NOT ONE OF THE INJURY REPLACEMENTS.

Up until 3 days ago, I literally was unaware that there was a human being named Rene Rivera that played for the Twins.  Up until 10 minutes ago, the same was true for Matt Walbeck.  They are both catchers, and, by the looks of it, horseshit catchers.  How can they both have better numbers than Ben Revere, the former first round pick?  Did I foul up the numbers?  Did I just spill my soda?

So, for all you fans out there who are looking for rock bottom, I think we may have found it on June 4th in Kansas City.  A pee-pants lineup if I have ever seen one.

Free Ticket to Magic Mountain

The ups and downs continue with the boys out west.  MLB helped make sure Payroll was met, so the Dodgers continue to play out the schedule.  But when you have the most players on injured reserve of any team in the majors (at the last time I checked) the cupboard is bare.

Still, there was many good signs as the month o May ended:
Lance Cormier (9.88 ERA) is now unemployed, and beginning prep of his future career: running a dry cleaners.

Kenley Jansen (6.43 ERA) is "injured" - thus, not allowed to pitch. 

Juan Uribe (.220) saw his hip strain under all the weight.  Not allowed to play.

Casey Blake, or what's left of him, is healthy.  We are looking forward to him hitting home runs in games where we are already up 6 runs. 

Rafael Furcal is healthy.  His yearly injury has already occurred.  We're looking forward to his sensational fielding until he gets injured again.

Russ Mitchell...well...first, your face.  But...

when you're a pinch hitter...your ONLY job is to hit.  So, when your average is .115, you should really be sent to Rancho Cucamonga.  But, any team will do.

I could go into a starter or two needing to be sent down, but when you need warm bodies, you can't be choosy.  Plus, the Big Pisan just left the hospital...keeping an eye on him to see if he's ready to write again.

Now, on to the Twins.

OK, I'll make it quick. 

I keep a distance from the Clippers, but I've seen good starts that turn sour.  So have the Twins (2001 comes to mind).  But when was the last start that rough?

1982...the nadir.  No more outdoor baseball.  No more tailgating.  You're in the dome, your record is 12-41 (holy shit!).  You've just lost your 14th game in a row.  You return home to play Baltimore in front of 8,517 fans. 

Now, is it that bad right now?  I open the forum to the more informed...