Mark my words

The Twins take a 3-2 lead going into the 7th inning.

The new pitcher is Sean "I couldn't hack it in New York's bullpen, so hey!" Henn.

The Rays will score more than 2 runs this game. MANY more.

Over the wall, men!

Two observations:

1. Prince Fielder is incredibly overweight. And that's really neat that he can turn the hips now and bang them to Kirby-land. But he's TWENTY FIVE years old. And he weighs at least 280 pounds. So, I'm just saying, he might want to think about what's going to happen when he can't catch up with the hott stuff because he put away too many double bacons from Applebees the night before. You know who to ask for advice? Matt LeCroy.

2. Joe Mauer has hit a home run in 5 of his last 7 games, and has jacked 10 in the MONTH OF MAY, and that's on 80 at-bats. Last year, he dinged 9 total for the year, in 536 at bats.

HEY HOW'S THE ASS MUSCLE?!?!?!

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It really makes you think about this team and how good they could be... when guys like Cuddyer and Crede start launching, they seem almost unbeatable, considering Joe and Justin will just keep doing what they do. But still, they lost SIX in a row. So I guess we'll see what happens... but at least I don't scream at my monitor every night now, and I count that as improvement. Mostly, I think it's because Jesse Crain has gone back to the hole he belongs in and Craig Breslow's ass was fired because a loser is a loser.

Eyes Like Dinner Plates

A pictorial essay on Morneau's 4 run dong in this evening's baseball game:

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"Hey, I thought it would be a good idea to give him one belt-high on the inside corner!"




"While Whip there is on the phone seeing who we've got left in that pen, I think I'm going to just scoot by and get myself another dip of Red Man. 'Scuse me coach."



"I think you can go get him now."

If we beat a team 20-1 . . .

how many wins do we get? Just one? Boooooo.

This Drew Boatman guy might be on to something

This is getting comical. At least you know what is going to happen. You can't get too mad . . . because you know it is coming. You just expect it. Funny, no? This was a tough FUBB to hand out all things considered (Mijares and his miracle against Matsui). FUBB is at 9.

Buddy Whackett?

I'm really getting fucking sick of these Yankees.

Maybe they could walk it off again. Maybe Alex would like to walk one off in the toilet.

I don't know what that means.

Let's do some analysis

Avid readers of this site have seen a theme of late. Let us analyze this theme. I did a quick look at all the Twins losses so far. I started from the 7th inning on to see just how many times our beloved bullpen have watched it run down their leg. I only did losses and not wins where they were bailed out (like the last two games). There might have been an error or two that I missed, but whatever. Let's take a look:

Legend: FUBB = Fuck up by bullpen.

Opener: Solid loss
4/9: Couldn't score
4/11: Score more
4/12: Solid loss
4/13: FUBB
4/15: Solid loss
4/16: FUBB
4/22: Solid loss
4/23: Starter's fault
4/26: Starter's fault
4/27: solid loss
5/2: FUBB
5/3: FUBB/Baker
5/5: Score more
5/6: Rain
5/7: FUBB
5/10: FUBB

That's about 6 losses due to the pen. Now, we all can't be perfect, 4 less FUBBs would put the Twins at 22-13 right now and one of the best records in the majors. Instead, just 18-17 and a half game out of 1st. That's a testament to the AL Central. Yeah, that's what we will call it, a testament. Let's see how this plays out during the year.

The Cards Don't Even Matter, I'll Play It Blind

The Twins lead the Tigers 7-5. It is in the top of the 7th inning. Perkins gave up 5 runs and was relieved by Luis Ayala.

We're into the bullpen, in the 7th. Ayala is still in there.

OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T I LIVE BET THIS GAME????????

I'm sure Jesse Crain is warming up right now.

This is a guaranteed loss.

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UPDATE: 4 pitch walk to Polanco to open the inning. NICE JOB DUMB FUCK!!!!


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2nd UPDATE: HA HA HA CLETE THOMAS DOUBLED OH MY GOD AYALA IS SO TERRIBLE AND I WOULD'VE PUT MY LIFE ON THIS EXACT SCENARIO HAPPENING.

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Fuck it, I'm making this a live blog. Matt Guerrier has entered the game. In the 7th inning. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, no outs. The pain is going to be severe.

AND THERE'S A BOMB BY CABRERA. 3 RUN JACK. I CAN'T

I WON'T

I CAN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING

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Jeff Larish hits a home run... we're at one out in the 7th inning and 4 runs are in so far.

There is absolutely nothing as frustrating in all of sports as cheering for a team with a shitty bullpen. Not "shaky". "SHITTY". They blow more games than they save. It is enough to make you break things. Seriously, I feel like breaking my monitor. What else can I do? Mail Bill Smith a letter telling him to get off his ass and DO HIS FUCKING JOB AND FIRE THE BULLPEN BECAUSE A LOSER IS A LOSER.

JESSE CRAIN IS GARBAGE

Holy fucking Moses, this bullpen could fuck up a cup of Maxwell House.

Jose Mijares walks Jose Lopez, then gives up a bomb to The Man Formerly Known As Ken Griffey.

HERE COMES JESSE CRAIN!!! 2 runs in, and we're still going.

I cannot quantify how frustrating it is to see Blackburn throw 7 innings of shutout ball, only to see these fucking jokers come in and just spill the beans all over the field.

Twins, doing what they do so well

What happens when you get 14 hits and two walks, only to score 4 runs?

YOU LOSE LIKE THE LOSERS THAT YOU ARE

Nice to see Joe Mauer back. Now we'll have someone on base for when Cuddyer and Delmon Young softly tap to the second baseman.

Oh, and did I see Carlos Gomez still playing major league baseball? I thought he'd be in AA ball by now. He deserves to be playing softball down at the rec center. Although that ball breaks a bit, so maybe not. Do they have tee ball in Fort Myers?

Yankee FAIL

Ok, so the Indians just threw up a 14-spot in the 2nd inning.

I'm not saying the Yankees didn't go sign a couple of big rods this summer in Sabathia and Burnett, but OH DEAR GOD, SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE IN THE FIELD.

Let's do a list of players who are, honest to god, actively playing in today's game for the Yankees:

Cody Ransom
Nick Swisher (HE'S BATTING CLEAN UP)
Brett Gardner (In addition to playing center field for New York, he helped do my taxes this year)
Ramiro Pena (listed GENEROUSLY at 5'10" 165 lbs)

So, Yankees. Good luck. Johnny Damon is your second best offensive player.




This man is pitching right now. That's all I have to say.

The score after 6 innings was 3-3

And then...

Jesse Crain got one out.

And he gave up 4 earned runs. He walked 3 batters. And gave up 2 hits.

Then Matt Guerrier. He got 4 outs!

He also gave up 2 hits, and one earned run.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOME!

Well done, shitheads!

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Then something happened in the 8th.

This pretty much sums up the Twins season so far

This is what happens when your team sucks at playing baseball. RA Dickey leads it in wins.

I'd write more about what I see, but it's just too damn obvious: they are sucking at nearly every facet of the game. Their 4 wins were lucky or against horseshit teams. The bullpen is the worst that I have seen in my lifetime: Honestly, when Matt Guerrier comes into the game, I am more mad than almost any other time in Twins history. For the record, the anger list looks like this:

1. Luis Rivas coming to bat
2. Joe Mays pitching past the 5th inning
3. Matt Guerrier coming into the game, ever
4. Torii with two strikes, knowing that slider is coming and HEY THERE YOU GO STRIKEOUT

Say it with me....

Matt Guerrier.

I'm sorry. I meant to say "Human Waste".

"Life Failer"

"Garbage"

"Matt Guerrier is horseshit"

Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

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Hey, WOAH I posted too soon.

Let's see that inning in its entirety:

Millar homered to left, Wells, Lind and Rolen scored.
R.A. Dickey relieved Craig A. Breslow.
Rolen walked, Lind to second.
Wells to third on wild pitch.
Lind walked.
Hill scored, Wells to second on wild pitch.
Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

HOLY CHRIST. THE BULLPEN HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BAD, INCLUDING WHEN RON DAVIS WAS THE CLOSER.

Seriously, I can't even comprehend this. The Blue Jays are perfectly good team, but not good enough to beat the Twins' ass like this every night. That is 7 runs (and counting) in the seventh inning.

I don't know the solution. I just know garbage when I see it. And Breslow, Crain, Guerrier and Dickey are ALL FUCKING GARBAGE.

Update: Barajas doubled to center. Dickey still in there.

I would live-blog these games, but it would make me throw up.

Innocence Gone Awry

I saw a score which had the Twins winning over the Toronto Blue Jays. I politely asked Drew later if they won. I received a large laugh in return and then was reminded of said bullpen. All I know of this bullpen is from this here blog, which has been swift and prompt in the reviews. It's also been correct.

I'm no stranger to bullpen fuck-ups...does anyone remember the LaTroy Hawkins Blown-Save Meter? But after looking at the stats of last night's game (The BJs have defeated the Twins 10 games in a row?!) I saw a lone comment on Sportsline:

"Putting Ayala into the game is the equivalent of putting drugs in front of an addict. BAD things are bound to happen when either of the two previous scenarios unfold."

Hmmm, who is this Ayala guy anyway? Let's look him up.
Ok, 5.71 ERA last season. So far this season he didn't look too good against Seattle. Well, maybe he's a...wow, ok the team ERA is over 5. More runs have been given up in the first five innings than the last four, though.

This is starting to get depressing. And Mark Fidrych going to the nest for the final time yesterday. We've got to turn things around here. Hey - Orlando Hudson hit for the cycle for the Dodgers! It's their first player to hit for the cycle in nearly 40 years and...what, that's not sunshine?

Sorry, this will lift your spirits.

This is what you call a "fail" inning

Current Half Inning (last play on top)
	Scutaro walked.
	Snider stole second.
	Matt Guerrier relieved Kevin Slowey.
	Snider walked.
	Barajas grounded out to shortstop.
	Overbay homered to right, Rolen scored.
	Rolen singled to left.

CORKY. CORKY MILLER.

A MAN NAMED CORKY MILLER IS STARTING AT THE POSITION OF CATCHER FOR THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM OF THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX.

Dear god almighty in heaven above, he returns. Corky. Good to see him again.

A Glazed Easter Ham For The South Side

A quick look at your starting pitchers tonight:




Holy shit this White Sox team might not win 70 games.

White Sox Bullpen

Pssst, White Sox. Come here, just a few words.

Come closer....

I just wanted to remind you that you employ the following man to pitch out of your bullpen.



So happy to be pitching for Royals #1 Baseball!




"This is how you throw it if you want it to be launched into the hushed night sky"




"NICK PUNTO'S NOT S'POSED TO BE ABLE TO HIT A THREE RUN DONG!"





"Whatever. Ozzie will put me in tomorrow. Who else do they have? LaTroy?"

I Sure Would Like To Know When Randy Johnson Became The Guy From "Saw"

The Knuckler, Knuckling

Something about this does not sit right

A nugget from today's paper:

Carlos Gomez is leaving after batting practice today to take his pregnant wife to a routine check up.

Oh my. There will soon be Spawn of Gomez on this planet. This child doesn't act old enough to brush his teeth without assistance, and he is procreating. That's almost as messed up as Carlos Silva naming his first son "Justin".

Doctor Nick To Grace Our Hearts For 2 More Years

Nick Goddamned Punto will get over 4 million per season for the next two years.

He is the worst Twins player since Chris Heintz.

Good job guys!

Happiness

Seeing the White Sox lose makes me happy.

That's all.

Live blogging the Play-in Play-in game

Well, it is a weekday day game . . . in Chicago, I am sure some former baseball manager from the Windy City has a view of who attends these games. With Fred Garcia pitching, this could be a quick liveblog.

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Water is falling from the sky. Oh, the Tigers are thrilled right now, I'm sure. That sums up the first hour.

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Well, due to my job and I took the bus today, we pick it up in the bottom of 6th. Looks like Fred the Pitcher pulled a neck muscle. Oh good, the Detroit bullpen. Galaraga. Two straight wild pitches will get that run home from 2nd base. Annnnnnnd time for the next guy out of the bullpen. Seay is his name an he just threw one to the backstop. Dye on second. This thing is over. Thome struck out due to oldness. Intentionally walking Konerko to get to GRIFFEY. Ouch. Detroit catcher cannot handle breaking balls or something. 4 pitch walk to Griffey. Bases juiced. Leyland out . . . NEXT! Glover. Lil' Ramirez up, first pitch, 4 base 4 run hit. I'm done.