Fired Up, Ready To Go

What you see here is Orlando Cabrera, knocking Ron Gardenhire clear on his ass after the 7th inning dong.

Then, later in the game, OC just flat out turns around after a questionable strike and talks shit right to Randy Marsh.

The fucking sack on this guy. Good stuff.

I Love Baseball and the United States of America

(We now turn to baseball legend Tommy Lasorda for his 2009 Playoff preview!)

How sweet it is! The fruits of victory! After a down spell that I'd like to chalk up to boredom, the Dodgers won the National League West for the second year in a row. That's right! The last time that happened, I was the manager. It's been a while, but it feels good!

Before I get to my thoughts on the Cardinals, I'd like to congratulate the Giants on a fine year. What? They didn't make the playoffs? Typical. The Cards can give us some hits...a bunch of young guys that can hit well. Pooholes, Schumaker, Holliday. Kind of like us. And, like us, they've got a couple good starters, but whoever they're going to start third...I'm not scared. When it comes to an even match-up, I'll take the Dodgers. They win close games. They come from behind and take the win from the other team. We play 'em even on the road, and we've got it.

Ah, thank you, honey. That's my beautiful wife, handing me another glass of my sensational wine. Remember what the sommelier said: "If rubies had flavor, this is what it would taste like."

Now, I know this is a "blog" about the Minnesota Twins, so let me congratulate them as well. The way they showed grit and guts over this past month to get into the playoffs is tremendous! And to that point, I want to speak to the fucking writers of this site. After my last post, I was reading one from some guy named Drew Barreiro, and he's saying the Twins don't "deserve" to make the playoffs. What is this horseshit? Let me tell you boys something: You deserve what you get. And I don't give a fuck what you get...if you get it, you deserve it, one way or another.

You know who deserved to win the World Series in 1983? The fucking Dodgers, that's who. But, the Wheeze Kids were the better team in the NLCS...I guess. The better team wins the fucking games, because even those who are favored have to live with the fact that they blew it. When you blow games the way Detroit did, you are no longer the better team. You don't deserve to win and go on to the playoffs.

I just ask for one favor. One thing...that's all I can ask of the Twins. Beat those fucking Yankees! Maybe tear up the locker room or something, I don't know. You do what you got to do. Those of you in Los Angeles, see you tomorrow night for game 1!

What the fuck ever

I don't believe this at all. This didn't happen.

I'm going to wake up any minute.

Well done, guys.

I tried to keep the faith towards the entire season, but fell off (on? the bad one) wagon sometime a couple posts ago. A banner is a banner. Good job. Somehow you guys pulled it out and that is impressive. That's all I got.

Randy Marsh is a shithead

Randy Marsh sucks at life.

This just makes me hate the Vikings more

Ok, this is just... there's no goddamned explanation to any of this.

To Dickfer below, I was not surprised to see the Twins nearly lose that 10 run lead and have to pitch Nathan. Remember the Oakland game? That's where the shit just absolutely broke for me... I haven't been the same since. They didn't even get that game to extras. Nathan didn't even sniff it. It was nothing but Grrrr and Crain and FAIL ALL OVER THE PLACE. And today's game? When Big Boy Rauch had to strikeout Royal Fats? Whatever. I have no CNS.

I will tell you this though: nearly throughout this entire season, I have proclaimed that the Twins do not deserve to win this division. The way they played against the garbage of the AL was not befitting a playoff team. Seriously, they would wet themselves against guys like Sowers and I think we even lost a game against Ponson this year too. Didn't Paul Byrd win against us too? Point being, when a team just can't score runs against horrible starters, then I don't like them, and I don't want to see them rewarded for their inconsistency.

But that's all changed now. I'm ready to rescind that. Because for the last 20 games, it's been nuts on the table for all to see. It's been "Hey, I know we haven't been playing the greatest this season, but see, I've got this 14 inch Hickory Farms 'neath my belt, andddddddddddd..." Guys like Span and Cuddyer don't give a fuck about A) you B) jail C) your sister. Actually, they do care about C, because it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.

You see what is happening around here? There is no logical explanation to any of this... besides Joe leading the league in hitting, all of it is an aberration. Seriously, does anyone see Cuddy as a 45 homer guy? Well, if he played at this pace, he would be. How is that possible? He likes to foul out more than Denny Hocking. All of a sudden he's fucking Jackson.

Whatever. Let's just go into the Metrodome on Wednesday afternoon with our pants down. Because someone needs a kiss, and it ain't Mr. Lips.

I will say this in the way of honest analysis... the Detroit Tigers are absolutely fucking garbage, and as much as the Twins didn't deserve to win the title for the first 5.5 months of the season, it's TEN FOLD that amount how much Detroit deserves to lose it now. Because all they had to do was beat the fuck White Sox who DON'T ENJOY PLAYING BASEBALL ANYMORE. And if you can't do that, then you don't deserve a goddamned thing. Their problems are many, but I think the main one is that they can't score any runs unless they are gifted, and they have more fat players than non-fat. There, solved.

So, let's go. Or something. I really couldn't give a shit at this point. It is what it is, and we hold no dominion over any of it.

Oh god are the balls blue

Listen folks, it is about 2 AM in the land of the Great White (as the kids are calling it these days), and I have some things I need to get off my chest.

Just stop it. OK? Stop it. Who is this "Delmon Young" player? What if "Delmon" gets hot?

WHAT IF A MLB TEAM DOESN'T HAVE TO USE THEIR CLOSER AFTER BEING UP TEN TO ROCK?

Dear Mijares, you have sauce on your pitches . . . go for the plate, not the player. OK?

There should be a playoff game at the Dome on Tuesday (not Monday because of another sport) because the Dome sucks and it is one last FU to us all. That makes sense, doesn't it?

I haven't figured out if Zach/Zack will get steamrolled on Saturday because who knows? If we win, Detroit wins, if we lose Detroit loses. As a Minnesota Pro Sports Fan, you are just so close, but not.

Peavey will be treat to play against next year.

Oh the humanity.

I'm sorry, did you just walk Adam Everett?

Then it is true.

You do not deserve it, and you should go home.

Shall we measure for length, or width?

I guess she's about even then.

I think I see the problem here, White Sox

Well, this man right here is your catcher.


So, honey wings, orrrrrrrrrrr?

¡Un festival para todos!

(We now take you live to the legendary El Compadre in Hollywood for this urgent update)


Hey Fernando, how about this? If the mariachis will allow me, I'm going to do their take on "The Godfather." That all right by you?

Haha! Eso esta bien por mi, el brinco.

You know, for the past month, you've heard a lot of junk about our team. After the all star game we had a kind of fade going on. It was like getting Steve Sax to figure out how to put fucking bologna on a piece of bread. And there's Jim Tracy, a former Dodger manager...got respect for him. But you all know they couldn't catch us. Speaking of Tracy, his old team, sad sack Pirates came in and we swept them. That's what we do.

Eso segundo juego fue cercano.

Yeah, I know. But you can't possibly think I gave them a fucking chance, do you? You'd be bored too, especially when you gotta play the fucking Pirates when you know where you're going.

La serie grande esta fin de semana.

It always is when the Giants come to town...and we'd better be pumped. I know our energy level will be up for those guys. Then, it's back to playing the pits of the world before the end of the season. Just how it is...hell, I remember one time in 1985...all those fucking Reds thought they had the division, and we took it. Same kind of shit. Hey, here's our waiter! This looks great! Yeah, two more flaming margaritas.

Comamos!

OK, time for lunch...you guys leave me alone. You know how important food is to me. Boys, get out there and make it happen!

Well, that will about do it

Just like 2008, which was also just like 2005, the maddening inconsistency of the Twins will do them in again this year. We had a brief uptick in potential these past two weeks. That ended with Mr. Nathan turning around and watching two pigs go over the wall. That they followed it up with a horrible dog-piss game against Cleveland, who does not employee a single player who should be above AAA, is not a surprise. All season this has been a team held together by duct tape and Joe Mauer. And now it's all coming undone.

There is not just one thing that is wrong with this team, there are many. It's only because of the utter horseshit-ness of the White Sox and Tigers that the Twins were able to compete for this long... their season should have been over in mid-July. Here are a list of reasons I see for the Twins failures this year.

1. Carlos Gomez - Fun To Watch, Awful At Playing Baseball

Wow, this is a man who does not understand how to put the ball in play when there is a runner on third. Or how to throw the ball back into the infield when it has been hit to him. Or how to ever take a walk, ever. Yes, he can jump really high and chase down fly balls. But when it comes to simple baseball things, I expect failure every single time.

2. Alexi Casilla Tries To Hit A Homerun At Every At-Bat

He is 5'5", and yet he thinks he is Bonds. Maybe you should take Lou Brown's advice, and be hittin' em on the ground and leggin' em out.

3. Michael Cuddyer Is Only Able To Hit Homeruns When There Is No Pressure

Dickfer and I talked about this awhile ago. If the score is 4-0, two outs in the inning, bases empty, Cuddyer coming up? GUARANTEED HOME RUN. It's gone. Book it. But a tie game, man on third, one out? GUESS WHO LIKES TO SWING AT SLIDERS?

4. Delmon Young Hits Well For A Two Week Period Each Year, And It's Always When Everyone Else Is Hitting Well, So It Doesn't Matter

Seriously. Contribute. It's not that hard. Just hit the ball. Sometimes.

5. Yet Another Year With Nick Punto

He is so incredibly awful at the sport of baseball, that it boggles the mind. In 2007, he had one of the 10 worst statistical seasons in major league history. Honestly. Look it up. Only a few other players, IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, WHICH NEARLY STRETCHES BACK TO THE CIVIL WAR, have had a worse season. Well, he's still at it. Still sucking horribly.

6. The Starters

Let's just go ahead and run down that list.... Armando Gabino looked like he literally urinated himself before he took the mound. Brian Duensing likes to give up "well hit balls". Nick Blackburn went like 4 starts in a row where he didn't get to the THIRD FUCK INNING. Glen Perkins started to suck, so he made up an injury in his shoulder. Liriano just plain started to suck, so was classified with "dead arm", which of course is just cover for saying "sucks at pitching now". Slowey took a shot off the wrist, so it's not his fault. And Swarzak? Holy mother of god. Not since Silva's horseshit season have we seen it this bad. HERE COMES A FASTBALL WITH NO MOVEMENT, MAYBE IT WILL BE HIT AT SOMEONE.

7. The Bullpen

I won't even go into it. Honestly, it's not good for me. Just read any of the posts at all during this season, and you'll see what I have to say about that.

---------------------------------------

So that's that, then. There were many other problems, most of which revolved around the central idea that this team could never consistently score runners in scoring position, they could never put together 4-5 good games in a row (until last week, when it was too late), and the starting pitching was literally a spin of the bullet chamber each time. I said it in July, they don't deserve to win the division, and now, thank god, they won't.

All I ask each and every year is please, oh please, be better than the White Sox. They are a model of how a franchise is not supposed to be run. And yet this year, with all of their horse's ass moves (seriously, did they just go get ALEX RIOS? He likes striking out more than he likes breathing. It's almost as bad as Griffey last year. Almost.) they still have a shot at beating the Twins. That mostly makes me mad, but it's also the logical conclusion of every failure of this current team. So, in that way, it makes sense. In fact, teams like Cleveland should be ahead of the Twins (and still have an outside chance to do just that) because at least they traded the fat non-effort-givers on their team and now have guys who can hit the baseball when it counts.

Greetings

Hi there.

I've pitched in two games so far. I have two wins. I've also likely murdered human beings.

At least my name isn't Manship.

Wow, I hate Matt Guerrier

But we all knew that.

He is human garbage.

White Sox 8th

Jose Mijares pitching:
Scott Podsednik: Ball, Ball, Ball, Podsednik walked.
Matt Guerrier relieved Jose Mijares.
Gordon Beckham: Beckham homered to left, Podsednik scored.

Just when you think you can't hate the White Sox any more

They go and do something like this:



1. Hey, is that the look you give when you turn 'round and watch one scream over the fence?

2. The only people in the world who dye their facial hair are incredible douchers. Bobby Jenks included.

Happiness List

There's not been much to make me happy about watching baseball for most of the season. My list of all time "happy moments" breaks down like this:

1. Watching the Twins play Twins Baseball and beat a team like Kansas City or Detroit because they have stopped trying for the day. (note: this is usually accompanied by Dazzle saying something like "That's just a little league play right there")

2. Watching the White Sox run it right down their leg, for the whole world to see. (note: it's always in seasons or games when they have otherwise had success... for example, Mark Buerhrle throws a perfect game in the same year that they lose 20-1 to the Twins)

3. Watching Boston or New York fail, because no one can ever seem to come up with explanations for why, just WHY, they could possibly ever not win it all.

So, with that said, today's Number Two (in more ways than one, OHHHH!) by the White Sox was just about the most awesome moment of the season. Ozzie, take it away:

"Well, we came to New York and visited the new Yankee Stadium. It is a very nice ballpark, and the hotel we stayed at was also very nice," manager Ozzie Guillen said. "That's all I have to say about these last three days."

Every single failure of their organization and the way their lives are run is on full display for us all to see. And they make their way to the Metrodome, a building in which they don't even know how to flush the toilet properly, let alone hit a baseball. This will be VERY fun.

I can't make this up

This man has a first name of Kyler. Not Kyle. Kyler. Like Tyler. But not. Kyler just got called up to the Bigs. Well done, sir. As someone who is just beginning his MLB career . . . what would be a good last name for him?

Because that's it.

You'll notice that due to his lack of a defined chin (due to obesity) he's simply taken a sharpie and penciled himself some face-hair. Just to make sure you know where his head ends and his neck begins.

Twins on a decent streak right now

Ok Dickfer, so who do we have pitching tomorrow?



Uh. Oh.

That appears to be an "unheralded minor leaguer".

DID SOMEONE SAY OVER?

----------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: AND SPEAKING OF OVERS

And just who is pitching for the White Sox, tomorrow, against Boston, in Boston, with the Green Monster and short porch?



He's back. He pitches for the White Sox, and he's starting tomorrow. The lead headline on Sportsline reads "Garcia unimpressive in first start". OH NO SHIT?

I did not realize the utter awfulness that is White Sox pitching. I've been sitting here all year thinking that I couldn't imagine a more inconsistent, frustrating staff, from 1 to 12, than the Minnesota Twins. But the White Sox start BOTH Contreras and Freddy Fuck Garcia. Earlier in the year, they let Bartolo Colon pitch for them. Take a minute out of your day, for the rest of the season, and re-read those previous two sentences. If it doesn't make you smile every day, I'll swallow nails.

All of that being said, if the Twins can't overtake at least the White Sox, then all is truly lost, and we should just load up the '87 DVDs and bask in the glory that is Bruno's mustache.

Hello

You don't even know what you're saying right now

The Blue Crew has mirrored the Twins of late - a slide worthy of opening the "safety" parachute simultaneously. Los Angeles has plenty of sports talk shows but as I've said there's only one worth your listening time: Dodger Talk.

But even the usual can become unusual. Listen to how, even after a win, they can't help but resort to the competition's level.

A parody of sports talk radio that was actually on the air.

Gold

So hey . . .

Go Vikings!

I'll check back for the call-ups on OUR Twins. That should be interesting.

New Dude in the Bullpen

He was warming up. I saw him. Last name Manship.

Man.

Ship.

Welcome Mr. Manship. Go get'em.

I'm sorry, the score is?

Come again?

The Royals? In the dome?

And they've got how many?

Oy.

Hey, we got . . .

Screw it. I gave up after 5 minutes on baseball reference. Matt Grrr really does lead the league in holds, doesn't he?

Section 220 guy touched on the Twins remaining schedule. The back of my yellow tablet counts:

12 games vs. Cleveland 8-4
12 games vs. KC 8-4
10 games vs. Detroit 5-5
7 games vs. Texas 3-4
6 games vs. Chi Sox 3-3
4 games vs. Toronto 2-2
3 games vs. Baltimore 2-1
3 games vs. Oakland 2-1

I have to use the back of the tablet since all the pages were used and had writing on them like:

Gophers vs. NDSU -> key game Central Michigan.

Still bitter at Vegas.

Anyway, I have us about 85-77 to end the season. I don't see anything overly optimistic with those wins and losses. 85 wins might win the AL Central this year.

That is the problem.

Like the Vikings winning the NFC North last year, the Twins could/should win a very weak division this year. That gives everyone that matters a false sense of security.

We can't be that bad, we won the division.

You are.

You got owned by the Angels, Yankees, and Red Sox. The season will last 3 or 4 more games longer than the Nationals . . . at most.