Buckle it up

Note: this is the latest chapter in the cross-post bonanza happening internet-wide (on 4 different websites)

I have two rules in life:

1) Don't do a gig for less than $200.
2) Only knock Tommy down the page if you are posting scans of the 1986 Twins Yearbook.


Giddy and go.

In 1986 the Twins won 71 games. They had won 77 the year before, and with the young core of Puckett, Hrbek, Bruno and Rat, plus the pitching of Bert and Frankie, they were supposed to improve in 86. It didn't quite work out that way.

This is a public service announcement for the Metrodome. Brought to you by the good people who control the Metrodome. Co-authored, I'm sure, by Sid Hartman. Did you guys know that by playing in the Dome, the Twins never had one rain delay? Oh, but they did have to STOP A FUCKING GAME IN EXTRA INNINGS BECAUSE THE GOPHERS HAD TO PLAY THAT NIGHT.

TINKER FIELD. BERT BLYLEVEN, WEARING THE ST. PATTY'S DAY GEAR.

I don't think we survived the crash.

Hi there, my name's Carl! I'm an honest, hard-working American like yourself who just wants to put a good product out on the field. I bought this team because of my love of baseball and Minnesota! Hang on one sec... (picks up phone, puts hand over mouthpiece) I don't give a shit how many kids she's got, if she's behind on the mortgage we toss her ass to the rats! So come out this year and watch our young stars win! Guaranteed no rainouts!

P.S. Howard T. Fox Jr. is DEFINITELY the kind of guy who casually drops the F-word to waitresses at lunch.

1. TK, how bright is it?
2. Tony, didn't your entire hitting philosophy revolve around "Swing at slop, drive into gaps, go to Murray's and eat a big steak"? How long does it take to teach that to Bruno?

Stelly is still with the team. And he's as angry as he appeared in that picture. How many times do you think Stelly has openly questioned Scott Baker's prowess? A million?

Aaaaaaaaaaaand here's the reason the 86 Twins bombed out. Ron Davis was 2-6 with a 9.08 ERA. His WHIP was 2.172. This excerpt from Wikipedia says it all:

In 1986, his last year with the Twins, Davis began the year with two saves in April. These would be the last saves of his career. He gave up his first runs of that season in a game against the California Angels. After hitting the first batter he faced, Davis eventually loaded the bases and allowed the game tying run to score by throwing a wild pitch. In the bottom of the ninth, he then gave up a three run home run to lose the game. In another infamous game that year against the Boston Red Sox, he came on in a save situation in the ninth inning. After getting his first two batters out, he loaded the bases and then issued a walk to force in the tying run. He then hit the next batter with a pitch to force in the winning run. With that loss, Davis lost his closer's role and was later traded to the Chicago Cubs in mid-season. He was used sparingly in relief the rest of his career.

They fired his ass because a loser is a loser.

However, people often point to this as a turning point for the Twins, being that RD was out and Jeff Reardon moved in the next season. Hey, sometimes you gotta break some eggs.

When in doubt, just print the word "Twins" under beer cans, you'll get where you're goin.

"Nobody knows where Vaughn will land, but it won't be back in Boston".

I figure Boston fans probably get a good 20 years of joy out of shit like this. Sure, it may not be full belly-laughter, but it's got to still bring a smile. Hey Mets, how did that work out?

If you have a mustache and your name is Louisiana Lightnin', then the probability that you contracted an STD over the course of your playing career hovers around 1.

The very same ligament that was designed to hold the elbow together was the one that was ruptured?!?!?

"I slipped, and fell in mud. RUINING the very pants I was going to return".

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! YOU HIT ALL THOSE HOME RUNS BECAUSE YOU DRANK MILK? PERHAPS IF I DRINK ENOUGH MILK I CAN HIT 70 HOME RUNS IN A SEASON AND HAVE A LOT OF BACNE!!!

Doctor's Orders

(Turning off TV)

"That's it!  I'm sick of fucking Mr. Yankees taking us into the toilet.  Honey, get me one of my award-winning wines and the phone.

(Takes bite of Italian Sausage)
               
           

  Yeah, Dugout.

What the fuck are you doing?  Do you know what your job is, Mr. Singles-all-the-time?  You have to MANAGE.  You don't have the power in the line-up?  Think your bullpen is shit?  Then you better manage!

                            

Yeah, but what can I do?  We have the worst bullpen in the National League...2nd worst in the bigs...only better than the Twins.  Gotta keep shoving guys on a bus to Albuquerque.  Hell...these guys might not get their paychecks at the end of the month.  By the way, how long are you supposed to keep a starter in the game?  5 innings or 9?  I can't remember what the book says.

Donnie, I'm going to say it slow so a Yankee understands.  Ever since you shaved off that mustache, your life hasn't been the same, Capice?  I spent a whole fucking day at Tutti Santi, having lunch with you and giving you insight few have!  The kind of shit that prevents you from being out-managed and swept by Dusty Baker!  When I had Dusty on my teams, you know what we used to do keep him focused?  Tell him he hadn't hit in a week!  Which was BULLSHIT!  But he was dumb enough to believe me!

 

(Softly)  Is that Tommy on the line?

                       

GET HIM THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

                       

     

(Softly) Just tell him that I can get Fox to do an advance--

I WILL PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING MUSH THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.

 Tommy?  Are you still there?  We got a day off tomorrow, and I've got an autograph signing at the California Truck & Cycle Show but then after--

     

You and me are gonna have lunch at the stadium.  I'm calling Dave, and he'll make the fried chicken with sawmill gravy.  And if you want to keep your fucking job, you're telling that show you can't make it.  Otherwise, I'm sending YOU down to Albuquerque.  And after lunch we're gonna meet Kenley Jansen half-way...and send him back.

      Yeah, but Tommy, I need pitchers.

                                  

I'll tell you what you fucking need. 

(hangs up)

          

I'm one of those internet guys now...

That took longer than it should have.

Not sayin, just sayin

A month ago I wrote on how Ivan DeJesus Jr. needed to be sent to Albuquerque.  And he has...and been up and (quickly) sent down again.  My suggestion for a replacement was Dee Gordon.

So now...this transaction actually (finally?) happens, in time for the series in Philly.  I know it's just a couple of games, but here's some quotes from cbssports.com on his performance...the kinds of shit Ivan didn't do in LA.

Dee Gordon had three hits in his first start, helping the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 6-2, Tuesday night. Gordon, the son of former major league pitcher Tom Gordon, made his major league debut as a pinch runner and scored in the ninth in a loss Monday night.

With his dad watching from a front-row seat behind the Dodgers dugout, Gordon led off the game with a single and singled in his next two at-bats. He scored a run, stole a base and finished 3 for 5.

By the way, when players you remember from your HIGH SCHOOL DAYS have kids that now play in the majors, you are officially old.

Is this the worst lineup we have seen since 1995?

Oh, I think it is:

1. Denard Span, CF
2. Alexi Casilla, SS
3. Michael Cuddyer, 1B
4. Danny Valencia, 3B
5. Delmon Young, DH
6. Ben Revere, RF
7. Brian Dinkelman, LF
8. Rene Rivera, C
9. Matt Tolbert, 2B

Holy moly, look at that garbage.  Danny Valencia is batting clean-up.  Check out those 7-8-9 hitters.

DINKELMAN.

So, let's see just how bad this team is compared to the 1995 squad:

(OPS)

CF
Denard Span - .759 / Rich Becker - .599

SS
Alexei Casilla - .624 / Pat Mears - .742

1B
Michael Cuddyer - .715 / Scott Stahoviak - .714 (let's call this a tie)

3B
Danny Valencia - .637 / Scott Leius - .684

DH
Delmon Young - .524 / Pedro Munoz - .827

RF
Ben Revere - .610 / Kirby Puckett - .894

LF
Brian Dinkelman (NO DATA AVAILABLE) / Marty Cordova - .839

C
Rene Rivera - .661 / Matt Walbeck - .617

2B
Matt Tolbert - .513 / Chuck Knoblauch - .911

-------------------------------------------------------

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kay.  I see the 1995 team winning 6 position battles, and the current squad taking two.

What jumps out?  How about Scott Stahoviak (the lead singer for Creed?) right there with Michael Cuddyer.  How much do you guess that the Twins paid Scott Stahoviak?  Well, it was $109,000.  Cuddy?  Just 10 million.  So, you know....

Danny Valencia, who is batting clean up today, is defeated by Scott Leius.  Not enough energy for a joke there.

Look at Pedro Munoz KILLING Delmon Young.  The sad thing?  Pedro could probably play left field better than Delmon too.  AND DELMON IS NOT ONE OF THE INJURY REPLACEMENTS.

Up until 3 days ago, I literally was unaware that there was a human being named Rene Rivera that played for the Twins.  Up until 10 minutes ago, the same was true for Matt Walbeck.  They are both catchers, and, by the looks of it, horseshit catchers.  How can they both have better numbers than Ben Revere, the former first round pick?  Did I foul up the numbers?  Did I just spill my soda?

So, for all you fans out there who are looking for rock bottom, I think we may have found it on June 4th in Kansas City.  A pee-pants lineup if I have ever seen one.

Free Ticket to Magic Mountain

The ups and downs continue with the boys out west.  MLB helped make sure Payroll was met, so the Dodgers continue to play out the schedule.  But when you have the most players on injured reserve of any team in the majors (at the last time I checked) the cupboard is bare.

Still, there was many good signs as the month o May ended:
Lance Cormier (9.88 ERA) is now unemployed, and beginning prep of his future career: running a dry cleaners.

Kenley Jansen (6.43 ERA) is "injured" - thus, not allowed to pitch. 

Juan Uribe (.220) saw his hip strain under all the weight.  Not allowed to play.

Casey Blake, or what's left of him, is healthy.  We are looking forward to him hitting home runs in games where we are already up 6 runs. 

Rafael Furcal is healthy.  His yearly injury has already occurred.  We're looking forward to his sensational fielding until he gets injured again.

Russ Mitchell...well...first, your face.  But...

when you're a pinch hitter...your ONLY job is to hit.  So, when your average is .115, you should really be sent to Rancho Cucamonga.  But, any team will do.

I could go into a starter or two needing to be sent down, but when you need warm bodies, you can't be choosy.  Plus, the Big Pisan just left the hospital...keeping an eye on him to see if he's ready to write again.

Now, on to the Twins.

OK, I'll make it quick. 

I keep a distance from the Clippers, but I've seen good starts that turn sour.  So have the Twins (2001 comes to mind).  But when was the last start that rough?

1982...the nadir.  No more outdoor baseball.  No more tailgating.  You're in the dome, your record is 12-41 (holy shit!).  You've just lost your 14th game in a row.  You return home to play Baltimore in front of 8,517 fans. 

Now, is it that bad right now?  I open the forum to the more informed...

Hey, did you happen to catch the end of the Twins game last night?

Up 5-0 in the 8th inning, and then...

Right down the leg.

Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again.

"Hey, it's ok Joe.  You're like the 9th worst pitcher on this team."

What's it going to take, Lord?  Is there a solution?  Do we sit in this gathering cloud and grasp at positives, or do we rage against the dying of the light with venom?  Are we Smart Fans, or are we Viking Fans?

Should we never have traded Wilson Ramos for Ass-Kiss McGee a year ago?  Well, that's obvious.  Here's what I can see from Fat Matt Capps (oh, how I yearned to run the "He's peelin' Capps!" joke into the ground over the past year.  For shame) - a man who throws the ball real fast and real straight.  If a hitter wants to, they can get a hit.  Plain and simple.  It's just a question of if they want to and if they are good enough.  But you just wait for the fastball, you get it, you hit it.  If he tries to trick hitters, he misses the zone.  He's really doing a disservice to that #55.

Should we maybe have stretched Joe Nathan out a little more?  Maybe not expected a 36 year old man to return less than a year after surgery?  And, if this is truly how it ends for Spazulous (just made that up, you're welcome), how did it happen so quick?  I've never seen it fall off that fast:  give up a donk to A-rod in the playoffs, show up at spring training with a broken elbow, miss a year, come back and pitch so horribly that you make the Twins fans miss Aaron Fultz.  I haven't seen a follow-up like this since Bret Boone, but you know what he liked to inject into his arm...

(pause)

STEROIDS!

Should we reconsider giving Joe Mauer more money than Manny got in his prime?  You won't hear any ill-speak from me regarding Ol' Joe, because I like him more than most of my friends and I've never met him, but this is really shaping up to be a wild ride with them legs.  I mean, maybe they'll work and he'll be MVP.  Or maybe they'll replace the cartilage with bovine pericardium.  Or maybe they'll just get the bone-saw and he'll wheel his way to first base.

Should we fire a rocket into the bullpen and hope it somehow manages to wipe the slate clean?  Because I don't know how much more I can take.  Here's a stat for you:  the Twins are 11-7 when leading after the 7th inning.  OH HOLY HELL, THAT CAN'T BE.  Do I miss Matt Grr and Jesse Crain?  Yes, because at least those guys were on a team that won baseball games.

Should we bring up guys from the minors and start fresh?  Umm, yeah, but the problem is that there's no one there.  See, the Twins entered a new organizational timeline when they opened Target Field.  That timeline went from "Make moves with an eye for 3 years in the future" to "Make moves for right now because BIG DOGG'S GOTTA EAT!"  Nobody regrets Thome, or O-dogg, or Nishi, or whatever.  But the clock changed on us.  Instead of a Liriano or a Span coming up in a few years, we've got Dinkleberry Revere and Kyle "My Name Is Kyle" Gibson.  Hey great, I'm excited.

Lord, where do we go from here?

I'll tell you where *I* am going.... back to bed.

Matt Guerrier scores?!

Two items of note happened in last night's Dodgers win:

One
Last night, Matt Guerrier came in for an at-bat, and stuck a guy out.  Then, HE had an at-bat.  The pitcher, one from the Pittsburgh Pirates, WALKED HIM. 

Matt came around to score.

So, yeah...I guess the coin landed "heads" and Matt had a "good game."

Two
The usually reliable "Dodger Talk" post-game show is slowly getting sour, and I found out first hand when I called.  Instead of the usual "I wanna talk about how this or that is good or bad" I had to give detailed info on my topics.  By the time I was on the air, they were ready to answer questions I had yet to ask.  One of the topics was the bullpen, and its shitness.  Well, Lance Cormier pitched the "junk innings" of a blowout win last night.  Dodger Talk folks said he's useful on the staff for those kind of situations. 

His line last night:
IP 2
H 2
R 1
ER 1
K 1
HR 1

A relief performance where a guy gives up a run was reviewed as "two solid innings."  It was so "solid" it actually lowered his ERA to 8.71.  This...and they disagreed on getting the minor league boys up here.  I think even Twins fans know how rare it is to score 10 runs in a game...using "junk" relief is just code for where you're kicked when they enter the game.

I just started a season with the Cincinnata Reds

Maybe I haven't watched the Twins in a while, but...

I mean, give me a break, Chipwhiches were on sale for 5 for 2 bucks,


Excuse me? Who the fuck?

Go away, young man. Just go away.

About 20 cents shy of a quarter

Sure, it's been bare bones on ye olde blog here for the month of April. But that's only because the mercury has only sniffed 60 in a handful of days and that makes me think it's still March. Oh, sure Alexi Casilla couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat (BEVACQUA GO!) but don't worry, he'll get it in gear by the time the season star- what? Oh hell, this isn't good.

Here's a few of the Twins' problems so far this season:

1. HITTING THE BASEBALL

Throughout history (History = Since 2001), the Twins have an almost-perfect record of picking up a "Grey Beard" for one season of glory and then watching them ride away after their apex. The prime example of this is, of course, Old Grey Beard, Mr. Terry Mulholland himself. And last year, Mr. Jim Thome was exactly that, a resurrected old salt dog who could knock the ball to the Crystal Court and not blink an eye. His turnaround of the Matt Thornton fastball was THE defining White Sox fail moment of the season. This year? Well, that .375 slugging percentage ain't exactly what it used to be. In fact, it's the lowest that it has been in a non-injury year since 1992. THAT'S THE YEAR THE CHRONIC CAME OUT ON COMPACT DISC.

But Bigg Jim ain't the only one to blame here. Casilla's hitting a buck ninety. Joe Mauer is out because his legs are weak. His replacement, Drew Butera, might set the all-time MLB record for Biggest Dropoff Between Starter And Backup. Drew is hitting .106 with an OPS of .309. AN OPS OF .309! When was the last time Joe Mauer even had an ON BASE percentage lower than that? N.E.V.E.R. Oh father christmas, someone heal them legs.

2. PITCHING THE BASEBALL

I don't trust these kids. I just don't. Jokers like Slowey, Blackburn and Baker, they just don't have it. And you can run every number, and give me every projection in the universe, and I'll still tell you what I see when they pitch: little pants-pissers that try too hard and end up giving up big leads against bad teams. Baker's been here a long time, and he's been OK, but I never trusted him.

And then there's Liriano. HE IS THE BEST PITCHER THAT HAS EVER PITCHED AND I HAVE ALWAYS RESPECTED HIM NO MATTER WHAT.  IF ANYONE EVER SAYS ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HIM, THEY ARE JUST WRONG.


3. NOT GETTING INJURED

So apparently they don't break up double plays in Japan? Oh, that's great, thanks for telling him about that in spring training, guys. Delmon and Joe are out for awhile. Morneau is hitting .225 in his return from The Concussion. Again, spring training ended a month ago.

And finally, here's a nifty little graph that is posted on Baseball Reference:

Notice how they only run the data to 10 runs.  The Twins have "buried the speedometer" in 3 games so far.  Look at all that red.  I see one convincing victory in there, and a bunch of squeak-bys.  It seems like every other loss is a monster one.

Like Tommy would say, time to get it in gear.  The Indians' dance is going to end soon, and Kansas City likes to wet themselves, but let's get this thing at least going in the right direction.

--------------------------------------

Oh, and Matt Grrrr?  Take a look to the right sidebar at the tag cloud.  Look in the Ms.  That tells you all you need to know.

Off to Albuquerque you go...

The output on this site…well, it’s matching the Twins output. And when you’re the worst team in baseball® it’s enough to make anyone depressed. So, let’s take a look at the average team out in LA…

The ownership bullshit continues to churn on, and anyone who tells you it doesn’t affect the team is wrong. Baseball games still have to be played, you know, and a month in there’s a list ready to go. It’s the dreaded "You Belong in New Mexico" list.  Who is being called into Tommy's office to be told the news?  (What the players don't know is that Tommy has been told there's "bad traffic" delivering the gelato to the stadium)

1. Ivan DeJesus Jr.  SS  .167 average
 
Originally brought up when Raffy Furcal was injured (again), DeJesus has done little than kill time in the line-up.  What usually happens is Vin and viewers talk about his dad while he takes a couple of pitches and then grounds out.  Donny has been able to spread out Jamey Carroll (a man), Aaron Miles, and Juan Uribe to cover it while one or the other is at 2B.  Now with Casey Blake (3B) doubly injured, yet another hole is there.  One of the above trio will take that spot, and there's no need to "utility" almost the entire fucking infield.  Ivan needs to switch time zones.  In his place would be Devaris "Dee" Gordon.  Batting .302 with 26 hits?  Sounds like a guy who deserves a chance. 
 
2. The Bullpen...oh dear god, the Bullpen.
 
Where does one begin?  Kenley Jansen (0-0, 7.43) was the first to put on the Isotope cap, as Hong-Chih Kuo came off the DL.  How did that work out, Kuo?
 
0.1 IP
2 H
4 ER
ERA?  15!
 
Kuo is given a small amount of slack as, well, this performance shows he might be injured.  STILL injured.
 
2a.  Jonathan Broxton  1-1  4.76
 
You might be thinking "Trip, how does a closer get an ERA that high?!"  He does it by entering games with a large lead, giving up a few runs, and then "saving" the game.  A perfect example was his performance Friday.  He enters the game up 2, and promptly gives up a run and 3 hits.  Later, with runners on the corners, has to be bailed out with a diving catch by Tony Gwynn Jr.  That's a "save" in the book, and another typical Broxton game.  Donny wants to keep using him as a closer, but all that tells me is the following:
 
Donny Baseball's Knowledge
Hitting: Excellent
Baserunning: Very Good
Fielding: Very Good
Pitching: N/A
 
(Anyone who's watched the late innings of games this season could tell you that...)
 
2b. Lance Cormier 0-0  9.72
 
Since getting his shit rocked in the Cards series, he's seen little action.  His primary use these days is pitching to lefties...because his righties ERA?  19.64!  No one likes a one note player...even in a jug band.  Yet another space taken.
 
2c.  Matt Grrrrrrrrr  2-2  4.11
 
I don't need to tell the regular readers about Mr. Guerrier.  Was it always this way?  Is it always a spin of the wheel when he enters a game?  He has value coming in after a starter...but if the game is starting to get dicey, he doesn't seem like the guy you can count on.  Starting off an inning?  Not as much of a problem.
 
In their place?
Merkin Valdez - RP  1-0  2.53
Pitching isn't really a "strong point" for the Isotopes...but this is the best of the bunch.  Come on...do you want stats, or do you want a guy named Merkin on your team?  Thought so.
 
Beyond that, you're having to go to Chattanooga...and that's just as questionable as the crowd in LA.  All the same, here are the stats of the Lookouts who have saves so far this season:
Cole St. Clair: 1-0, 0.68
Josh Lindblom: 1-2, 2.84
Javy Guerra: 0-0, 0.90
 
Shit...two guys under 1?  I know we're talking American Legion competition...but those boys belong in Sandland.  Hell, I'd love to see Broxton enter the field, surrounded by 900 fans as "Ironman" plays...and then gives up the winning run. 
 
Back to tanning; hoping the Twins get in gear.

Last night in pictures

Twins come from behind in 8th inning to win!

White Sox give up 5 runs in the 9th inning to lose, like the losers they are!

He's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

So nice to see an old friend.

EDIT: The video that was previously posted here before was apparently automatically loading... so, goodbye. Anyway, resume discussing Matt Capps' belly.

Annnnnnnnnnd, here go the Twins trying to play baseball!

Ol Hungry

My Ma was down in FLA recently, and returned from Ft. Myers on the same flight as Patrick Reusse, down there to (I'd guess) cover the Twins spring training.

"He had to fly coach."  Yeah, well, that's how it goes sometimes.

"He's SO fat!"  I thought he lost weight.  Guess not.  "Oh no.  He took up two seats!"  Oh my!

Adios, Pat

So Neshek is gone to San Diego, essentially waived for nothing.  Well, I hope he does well there.... he was fun to watch here when he was good.

When he was not good, however, it was no fun.  No fun at all.

Shibuya!!!!

So.... Yoshi has a website, of course.

And, like every single other Japanese person on the face of the earth, he takes pictures of himself eating food while traveling.





That looks like hot dish!

I'm sure Matt Capps was involved in its preparation.

Nice Cast

Pitchers and Catchers in 2 weeks? Shit, if it's going to be that kind of party, I'm going with a Fishing Joe pic...


Nice large-mouth. He took that son-bitch home on 6 pound fireline too. Sho nuff.

Spring '11

Well fans, we're about a month away from Spring Training in full gear.  What do you think of that?

(Sparky gives it some thought)

There will be more stories and anecdotes during that time, of course.  Just gettin' y'all ready.

Get To Know Em

JESSE CRAIN IS GOING TO PITCH FOR THE WHITE SOX

yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!

It's a Preview to Us

(Trying to ignore the fact that the Giants are in the World Series, we've asked baseball legend Tommy Lasorda to interview Fernando Valenzuela about the documentary that aired last night on ESPN)

Tommy Lasorda here for NBC sports, and Fernando, ESPN had a whole hour about Fernandomania. I remember those times vividly, of course. What are your thoughts on the film?

¿Pensé que fue una vista agradable de nuestra historia, pero dónde estuvieron las entrevistas con usted?

I don't know...you only saw me in there once. And where the hell was Vin in all this? That's my big complaint.

Eso me recuerda de cuando usted me tomó haciendo de compras en "Beverly Hills" durante la huelga.

I told you that you gotta look sharp. You're a big time star now, so we should go to Botany 500. And you walked outta there with a good sport coat collection. Yeah, that strike in 1981 was an awful thing. But it all worked out, you got your money, I got mine. Different days with the O'Malley's - how often would you look forward to dining with your boss?

Espero cenar con usted, Tommy.

Haha, I look forward to dining, period. In case any of you are wondering, we're rooting for the Rangers...as if there was another option. But, to sum up, weren't those fun days, playing with the Dodgers?

Bien, fueron las mejores experiencias en mi carrera del béisbol. Estoy contento que soy todavía con el equipo, llamando los juegos. Las cosas son buenas.

He said that it was the best experience of his life, and that I was the finest manager of the history of baseball. And that he's buying dinner tonight at the rooftop restaurant at the Bonaventure Hotel.

¿Qué?

Oh look, AJ Burnett is trying to pitch...

Rant Time

The lights go off, we settle down into that dark abyss, and the world refuses to tilt yet again.

Same as it ever was. Goodbye Babylon.

This shit hurts. Fuck almighty, it hurts. Last year I pissed in my pants and openly proclaimed that I didn't care if they lost each game by 40, because just getting there was such a thrill. When Cabrera hit that bomb, I seriously peed a little bit in my pants.

I fucking watch these guys every single day during the summer. I wake up in the morning, and I check every newspaper, blog and sports site for info. I watch the highlights that I couldn't see (I usually listen on the radio). I know more about the Minnesota Twins than anyone who reads this blog. Sorry, but Asshole is coming out tonight. I fucking give everything. I post a fucking blog hosted by Tom Fucking Kelly talkin' Dog Track, and I google "Kent Hrbek Beaver Shirt" to find what I'm looking for.

And I love Ron Gardenhire. He knows exactly how to run this organization, and his methods trickle down throughout the minors and everywhere.

But none of it matters anymore. NONE OF IT MATTERS. Because if you get to the playoffs every year, and you haven't won a fucking GAME in 6 years, and you haven't won A FUCKING HOME GAME SINCE TWO THOUSAND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then none of it matters. We're not talking small sample size. We're talking BIG PIECES OF FECES IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU PLAY IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Look, if you accept the notion that the players adopt their manager's tendencies and reflect his personality to some degree, then you HAVE to look at these playoff records as an utter and complete failure. There's no other way. Gardy sits like a fucking buffoon and doesn't do the right things in the playoffs.

IT'S SIMPLE. THE YANKEES KNOW HOW TO PLAY LOOSE AND DO WHAT IS NEEDED TO WIN ONE GAME, JUST ONE, AND TAKE EACH GAME AS IT COMES. The Twins have no idea how to do this. They get ahead, and they get excited and piss down their legs. When they get behind, the press WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too hard and strike out. It's like watching the most pre-determined sporting contest EVER.

I don't give a fuck about this, and fuck it all.

We're the White Sox, except we get to play 3 more games per year. When we beat the White Sox, as we do EVERY SINGLE YEAR, they say "Yeah, well, the Twins will just go to the playoffs and get swept." And then it comes to pass. So great. I'm glad we gave all that effort. Might as well bring in Colon and get it done with.

2002 was pure joy. They didn't go all the way, but DAMN did I love Dougie and Kockie.
2003, we tugged on Superman's cape in game 1. But, inevitably, they won. They were better.
2004 was an absolute repeat, and it hurt. Because we were expecting it.
2006 was the best 2nd half, ever, only to get to the playoffs and just FUCKING DOG SHIT. Lose two straight in the dome and just cry.
2009? Who gives a fuck? Just getting there was great. Matt Tolbert started at 3rd base. Brian Dunce started game 1 in Yankee stadium. Who cares? Playoffs were pure candy.
2010 is the ultimate kick in the sack. We enter Cleveland territory. We enter Buffalo Bills territory.

We enter....

We fucking......

VIKINGS TERRITORY.