The Postmortem

As Donnie Mustache attempted a clandestine escape to his car following a 5-4 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, a rogue reporter hopped a fence and finagled a brief exchange with the embattled skipper.  According to the cousin of the sister of the parking lot attendant present, it went down something like this:

• Reporter: Donnie, the team is 8.5 games back. Your closer has an ERA of 6. Can things get any worse for this team?
• Donnie: Nick Punto's put up his best slugging percentage in 3 years. What do you want?
• Reporter: Be that as it may, sir, the Dodgers have been outscored 32-14 in the 9th inning or later this season. Did you consider pulling League at any point tonight?
• Donnie:  Like I said, it was Brandon's inning. You start pulling the rug out from under your closer, what's that do for his confidence? And I can't have my 7th and 8th inning guys coveting a role that they've never filled before.  Have you seen Jansen close a full season? That's poppycock logic.
• Reporter: Dodgers GM Ned Colletti signed League to a 3-year, $21 million contract last winter.  Is there any truth to the rumors that you are contractually obligated to pitch him in the 9th?
• Donnie: I'm not contractually obligated to take a dump every morning, but I do. 11:23am. Every day. Unless I can't. Shit happens. Unless it doesn't.  Brandon League is my closer until he isn't.  
• Reporter:  What do you make of the team's offensive struggles in the clutch?
• Donnie: When you're missing Matt Kemp, Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez and AJ Ellis, you're going to feel it.  But good food takes time. We all want the pot roast, but the fans are just going to have to settle for the hot pocket right now.  Luis Cruz has been BABIP'd to death this year, but you watch....
•  Reporter:  Tommy Lasorda thinks this team's problems stem from chemistry. Do you have anything to say to that?
• Donnie:  Chemistry, huh?  Tommy need to lay off the Breaking Bad ... and the bread sticks.  You show me a test tube that's thrown a strike, that's turned a double play, that's pulled off a double steal, and I'll show you the manager's seat.  I'm a can-do guy; Tommy's a cannoli guy.  There's no bonding there.

As Donnie approached his 2010 Honda Odyssey, he discovered a photo on the dash with the note, "This Dodger Dog don't hunt no more." - Magic