Clearing the Table

(Toward the end of dinner, baseball legend and famous eater Tommy Lasorda began to discuss the Dodgers recent good fortune, including sweeping Tampa Bay)

The guy was playing the piano, but the singer was always standing by him, she didn't work the room.  Turns out, the guy on the piano had the singer feed him ravioli as he played.  Never seen that before.  First time I was in Palm Springs, too.

Sure, I'm ready for desert.  What do we have?  Uh huh.  OK...sure, might as well bring it all out.  You know, we were at Trattoria Marcella in St. Louis and I told all those windbag writers that this week was the measuring stick.  Remember how I told you that you can tell a lot about a restaurant by smelling the garlic bread?  Well, the same with this past week.  4 at St. Louis, seems like they'll be in the playoffs...and 3 at home against Tampa Bay.  They were in first.  But 6-1?  Sweeping the Rays?  I'll tell you where we measure on the breadstick - right at the top!

When I was at the game Friday night, and we're down 6 to nothing, I did what I could to get the team on track.  I gave some base-running signals to Wallach, and I told our chef Dave Pearson to get me my lucky fork.  I don't use this very often, but this was a big series!  So he gets it out, cleans the dried tomato off the handle, and has an open-face prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich delivered to my seat.  I tell ya - this was the first time in the game I was nervous.  I'd never brought the fork outside the dining room.  Then, as I'm eating, Magic Johnson sees it and he's all smiles.  "Wow, Tommy!  That looks delicious!  Are you finished?  I'd love to eat the rest if you're done.  You know, one time Pat Riley--"  I told him to can it.  I'm eating, and more importantly, I'm eating to help the team!  You all saw what happened.  I finished that sandwich in the blink of an eye.  And we won, too.

Then, on Sunday (belch) whoop.  Whew...that one...OK, Dave, that desert coming?  Yeah, let's start with the molasses cookies.  MMMM...no, I don't need milk, but you can open another of my award winning wines.  Goes good with everything, especially winning!  Ah, butter pecan ice cream!  Wonderful...do you have whipped cream for those strawberries?  I thought so.

Afternoon snooze

(We attempted to ask baseball legend Tommy Lasorda his thoughts on the Dodgers' incredible road winning streak, but...)

Mr. Lasorda?  We just wanted to...Tommy, I...is he...

Does anyone know if he's OK?  What?  Oh, he ate a whole deep dish pizza last night?  That would make anyone sleepy.  I don't know if I should...yeah, can you get that RC vendor down here?  He might need some...oh, I think he's waking up.

Tommy?  4 game sweep of...OK, I'll wake him after the game for the drive down to St. Louis, but I know he'll want to stop at a pizza place in Springfield, but...yeah, I guess just let him sleep.

Come on, Royals! : A photo essay

Yes, most of the reporting around here is on the Dodgers, but acknowledgement must be made: the Royals, as I type, are the hottest team in baseball.  Who cares?  Well, you should.  For all the pain Pirates fans endure because they haven't had a winning season in 20 years, the Royals (last winning season was 10 years ago and, before that, another 10 years) last made the playoffs the year they won the World Series: 1985.  Almost 30 years without a playoff appearance.  This is why it's impossible not to think good thoughts for these guys.  (Note I don't say "root" because it doesn't sound like being a fan of theirs is good for your health)

This photo comes from the Royals' home page, with a curious bit of wording.  Yeah, we know they're in the major leagues.  So why mention it?  Do they need to remind everyone?  Not a very inspiring internal memo.

Ervin Santana - wonder where he went?  He's in Kansas City, and the ship has turned around.  7-6 with a 3 ERA...can you really consider someone's record when they're with the Royals?  

Their catcher, batting .280 is Salvador Perez.  Salvador.  Got a hit in the All-Star game.  Get 'em, Salvador.

Lorenzo Cain (my goodness, the names on this team) made this catch in Minnesota.  The Royals ultimately scored much more than the Twins for this to be a game saving catch, but still: the ice cream scoop catch to rob a home run.  I'd also like to note that this blog just mentioned the Twins.  For yearly consistency sake.

Could we see it?  Royals in the playoffs?  Sports Illustrated making an RC Cola reference once more?  Come on, Royals!

Oh, Canada!

(Former Dodgers manager and Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame member Tommy Lasorda shared a picture from the museum's collection while reflecting on the Dodgers play in Toronto)

I thought you'd like this old picture of me from Canada!  That's when I was playing for the Montreal Royals.  At the time of this picture, I had just accepted a challenge to eat 100 pieces of calamari.  I didn't even win!  Hard to believe knowing my reputation now, but at the time I didn't have the physique.  Look at me: I was an athlete!

Beyond those days, I haven't had a better time in Canada beyond this series against the Blue Jays.  After blowing em out Monday night, we come back Tuesday and Wednesday to win!  Our 10th road win in a row - an LA record!  Now, you might expect this from a 1st place club like the Dodgers, particularly against a junk team like Toronto.  But remember what I always say, except for a buffet, nothing comes easy.  It's the sign of a winner to play to the last pitch!

Now that I think about it...I think this week's series ties for my favorite time in Canada.  My other favorite time was at the start of the 1982 season.  I think it was May or so, but we were in Montreal playing the Expos.  Welch was on the mound, and we were in control.  I had a lot of old friends visiting me from the days of the picture above, so it was a great trip.  Anyway, Welch is in a groove so I get the clubhouse guy's attention.  I tell him of a nearby place that has good ham and croissant sandwiches and stuff, so I give him some cash.  I thought I'd remembered to exchange money, but I gave him a $20 U.S.!  Well, he comes back with 2 grocery bags full of food!  I totally forgot.  Well, before the word got out I took down the 1st bag.  2nd was harder, but Nando helped - he needed his strength because he was pitching in a couple days.  Shit, to think there was a time when $20 would buy me enough food to fill me up.

(Yawns)  Excuse me.  Still tired from that night flight last night.  What's in the fridge?

When you're hot, you're hot

Last night was simply a thing of beauty.  You're hearing and reading a lot about the Dodgers play of late, but nothing compares to last night.  How this could be the team I wrote about a little over a month ago is the same team now, I don't know.  But when you have the following pitching:
Chris Capuano
Carlos Marmol
Brandon League
Kenley Jansen nearly blowing a save, for texture
...and Nick Punto playing like I told you he would: 0-5 on a night when everyone else got a hit...

...you don't win the game.  When it was 8-3 after the 6th inning, I said aloud (to, it turns out, no one interested) that I didn't like the fact that the Dodgers in essence forfeit every 5th game when Cap pitches.

Then the tide turned.

After playing UCLA ball in the 7th, the 8th inning came around.  Gonzo and Either with dongs, and we have the lead...and somehow (despite the list mentioned at the start of the article) the Dodgers win.

Just as when you're in a slump you find ways to lose, when you're truly hot you win games like that.  Still can't believe it.

Of course, the first I read of this crediting Donny Mustache at all for this win, I'm throwing the monitor out the window.

Il comandante parla

(Baseball legend and famous Italian Tommy Lasorda spoke Sunday night in Washington DC at the Italian Consulate, concurrent with the Dodgers playing the Nationals )

Thank you very much!  I have to say it's always a great pleasure to speak in front of so many great Italians, knowing all you do for us in America.  But anytime I'm in Washington DC, I always have to say a famous quote from this town, and if you don't mind a little Italian...

"Ora, io sono in controllo!"

(Everyone laughs)

You know, I've been in town all weekend with the Dodgers in town before speaking to you tonight.  And it's funny, after last season, I thought for sure this town would be fully behind the Nationals, but it's still a Skins town, huh?  Well, it has to be...because this morning I ran in to some residents from this town on my way to lunch.  They said "Wow, Tommy Lasorda, great to meet you!  I wish, if we ever got a team, you'd be a part of it."  And I said hey - you do have a team right now.  And the guy says back to me "I know."

(chuckles)

You know, I've coached a lot of great Italians over the years.  I insisted we draft, and I managed, Mike Piazza.  By the time he made the bigs he said to me "Tommy, I'm indebted to you.  What advice can you give me?"  I said kid, if you're catching, I need you to be a rock back there.  Just like Scioscia.  He said "Get strong and lift weights to stop everything?"  I said "No, EAT!  It worked for one Mike, it'll work for another!"

(Everyone laughs)

Now, I'd like to say something to our Italian friends.

Tutti ci hanno detto che a volte dopo l'all-star break.  Che abbiamo fatto.  Bene, la Dodgers show, spazzare i cittadini, e nonostante Matt Kemp realizzare ha pagato per essere feriti, continuiamo a distruggere tutti!

What I said was, you know, this weekend, everyone thought the Dodgers would flame out.  All-Star game...some of you here might have thought we'd end this slide.  Well, outside of Kemp forgetting how to fucking - huh?  Oh, excuse me.  We got through all the jams...sweep the Nats, and we're only a half game or whatever out of first.  Where's the "natitude" - is it

(Crowd begins to murmur)

Uh...in conclusion, Chiedo scusa, bene gli Italiani. Per brindare alla fine atleticità e ai grandi Italiani!

(applause)

Debunking the Lunkheads

Halfway through the season, the Dodge are at .500.  It's as if the season hasn't happened.  Oh, it has...but you really had to follow them each and every day to see the tide lay flat, go low, and rise again.  If you didn't do that, and you were just looking at how LA is playing of late, you'd foolishly attribute this to the manager.  As a CBS Sports.com employee, you'd then be motivated to write tripe such as this:

"Dodgers' decision on Don Mattingly among first-half bests"

Of course, I could just post this article and we'd all have a laugh and return to the beer in front of us and enjoy life.  But to let this stand is to give acceptance of someone taking the uneasy task of writing about all big league teams, and in doing so, thinking they're right.  I know fuck-all about the Pirates...you notice I don't write about Pittsburgh's team.  Who'd have the time to KNOW about all teams?  

"It was mere weeks ago when Mattingly was so close to being fired that he was last seen at the end of a plank on a pirate ship. At least, that's pretty much what everyone wrote, said and thought. Now, the guy could wind up being NL Manager of the Year, and wouldn't that be something?"

How the shit would this happen?
1. The Dodgers win 40 games in a row.
2. I don't know...I'm at a loss.

As it stands, there are 6 teams in the NL with a better record than the Dodgers.  At this point last season, the Dodgers were 47-40.  So...Donny Mustache is doing better this year, I guess?  That makes sense when you consider last year we didn't have Gonzo, Puig, Greinke, Crawford, Hanley...should I go on? 

"Against NL West opponents, the Dodgers are 14-3 in their past 17 games. On June 22, they were a season-worst 9½ games out of first place. Sunday, they were 2½ back. That's a net gain of seven games in the standings in 22 days."

Funny, but it was the same man who managed the team at the start of the season...when the Dodgers were getting swept at home by San Diego and Arizona, looking like poop against the Giants.  What were Manager of the Year and his pal Ned doing during this start?

Being as stubborn as a toddler.

No one likes to be proven wrong.  It's inevitable in life, and certainly in a sport where you play 162 games...but home many times did Brandon League have to simply take a dump on the mound?  How many losses did he have to single-handedly create for Donny to pull the trigger for anyone else?!  How long did guys such as Cruz, who simply didn't have it anymore, remain in the line-up? 

When injuries started the season, and there were plenty, you got to see the REAL Donny manage.  He had to manage a real situation.  He turned to Ned, who simply brought the same old revolving door names from seasons past to LA.  No one was anticipating Justin Sellers to match Hanley's numbers...but you get neither the hitting nor fielding.  To watch things get worse showed the lack of action in this group.  I remember a Dusty Baker quote from his days with the Cubs.  They weren't winning (there's a shock).  Dusty said he just needed his starting pitching to be healthy.  He needed Prior and Wood to throw 180 pitches a game while he gnawed on toothpicks...then he'd be a good manager! 

"Even with Greinke missing several weeks earlier with a broken collarbone, Dodgers starters rank third in the majors with a 3.40 ERA."

Yes, Greinke has returned to form.  But if your starters are that good, how are you not winning games?
1. You can't score.
2. Your bullpen fucks up.

When the starter leaves a game for the Dodgers, that's when it gets interesting.  Donny (as I've written more times than I care to remember) learned from the mind of Joe Torre.  Joe had likely the finest closer in history in New York.  He had a DH.  So he sat on the bench...waited for his team to get the lead...and knew it was money in the bank.  If there were other bullpen pitchers in the game, they had to go by the 9th for you know who.

Watch a Dodger game (if Bud will let you find it) from the first half of the season: Late innings become The Donny Double Switch Show.  Players and positions move, Donny never confident that a relief pitcher can last more than an inning because no matter what, the ENTIRE LINE-UP WILL HIT THIS INNING...MARK SAID WE'RE GETTING HOT.

It has totally screwed us in games...and not just series like the Atlanta trip in May which was painful.  By continuing to double switch throughout the game, you're making it harder for yourself to continue line-up & bullpen if a close game arrives in the 9th or beyond.  Donny never seems to realize that, because of said switches, he has the pitcher's spot up AGAIN.  Well, better take that guy out and...gimme the guy off the bench who can't hit .200 - any of them.

If you say Donny isn't to blame for having no depth on the bench or minors, look at Ned, who is still operating most days in a McCourt haze.  The Nolasco trade stunned me because Ned was actually making a move.  What took him so long?!  Waiting to see if he should do a fire sale? 

It doesn't take a genius to know if a player isn't performing or is injured you need someone else in there...and if THAT player isn't working, you don't stick to your guns.  You get another fucking player.  Anyone...just try.  How the hell would you know if someone wouldn't work unless you tried it?

That short-sighted view (that so many old-time baseball fans and employees stick to) does no good when you're 9 games under .500 in June.  Instead, we saw minor deals, players mercifully sent down or cut, and our heads just at the horizon line. 

All this - Manager of the Year?!

That's (Expletive) Teamwork!

(Dodgers legend Tommy Lasorda stayed up after extra innings to relay his excitement.)

Way to go!  How do you like that?  We sweep Arizona, get back to .500, and we're just outside of first place.  And how did we do it on this road trip?  Fucking teamwork!  The starting pitching shows up (well, except when that lunkhead Capuano starts), we score with timely hitting, and clean up in our division!

First of all, I haven't written on this "blog" in a while, and was meaning to tell all you Dodger (and baseball fans) a Happy 4th of July.  We really live in the greatest country in the world!  Where else can I call up a friend in Denver and get the proper supplies to soak bratwurst in my award winning wine before grilling them the morning of the game?  I don't recommend doing that by the way.  The taste was a bit off, but you know my famous words: Never Waste Food.  Eating 6 of those, remorsefully, for lunch wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done.  In fact, I'm convinced that's why we lost that night.  That and the fact Capuano started.  Better yet, try grilling Italian Sausage, add the pasta of your choice, peas, a few cherry tomatoes and then add the wine at the end.

Huh?  Right, what was I saying?  There were a few reasons why we've landed in this spot.  It took us over 2 months just to get back to even!  I don't mind saying I'm a big reason why, but here are others:

That kid Nolasco came to LA, where he wants to play.  He's a solid started and he should take Capuano's place.  Unfortunately Stephen Fife is now injured with shoulder problems.  Those shoulder problems are unfortunately not due to pitching.  You know how it is with the young guys: you break em in to the major leagues.  I had him carry my cooler around San Francisco last weekend during that series.  There's plenty of good restaurants up there, but I always want to be comfortable on the road.  All I had in the cooler was a case of my award winning wine, prosciutto, provolone, peppered salami, and 2 loaves of bread.  If that's too much, well now he and I know.  He'd better rehab that shoulder to do the heavy lifting, capice?

Secondly, we're finally hitting the shit out of the ball.  I'm still not thrilled to have another outsider like Mark McSteroid on my team, but he always gave me a look when I'd correct his advice to our hitters.  And by correct, I mean I'd walk in to his office after lunch and let loose a few steamers.  He'd get back and knew it was me but never said anything.  You can imagine that, lately, I haven't had the need to resort to that old trick.

Third, in Arizona I paid a kid to wire our bullpen phone to my box.  Each night, Donny Mustache tried to send in Brandon League at different points, and all he'd get is me answering the phone.  "Tommy?  Sorry, guess this isn't working."  You know what happened next?  He just sat there.  So, once I'd see the need, I'd get on the phone and say "Gimmie whoever" and I don't mind telling you I made the right fucking moves.  Look at last night: guys stayed in until I took them out.  I bet Donny could see that relief pitchers can stay in longer than an inning...but he was probably consumed with trying to get gum out of a wrapper.

These are the facts: 4 at home with Colorado before the All-Star game.  We keep this up, we're at the top at the break.  I didn't see that coming.  It's like a waiter who gives you a free cannoli because he's impressed with your knowledge of risotto: you smile and eat it immediately.  You deserve those desserts!

Good News, Bad News, Sad News

ITEM - The Dodgers traded Matt Grrrrr...a guy very close to taking the Albuquerque train.  Never steady enough to be counted on or used regularly, we have one less trap for our confused manager to land.  This is a good thing!  YAY!

ITEM - In exchange, the Dodgers get another junk reliever, Carlos "I'm throwing this one down the middle of the plate as fast as I can and I bet you can't hit it oh wait you just did" Marmol.  Same problem, different name.  This is a bad thing.  BOOO!

The LA Times reported that Marmol might work out in Cameltoe er...Camelback Ranch or in Albuquerque before joining the team.  He's free to stay at either place by me.  I just wonder why we're paying for the guy.  If this recent strong play has taught us anything, it's that Skip Schumaker is most effective out of the bullpen, and worth the move.

ITEM - Luis Cruz refused to go to Albuquerque.  Free agency it is...never would have expected this at the start of the season, but I don't know what happened to the guy.  A pisser.  There's the possibility he could fool a team into signing him, along with that .127 average.  Wish you luck.

Off to Denver...who's up for a Coors? 

"Keep going. You're doing better."

(Long overdue for an update, we were able to connect with former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda during his morning workout.)

Shut the face, Doc.  I'm (breath) going as fast as I fucking can.  Whew.  How much more of this shit do I gotta do?  3 more?  All right - here's one for each win over the Giants!  1.....2...........3.  Oh my god.  OK...(breath)  Thanks, Doc.  See you tomorrow.

Honey, is he gone?  Good.  Did you bring that breakfast burrito in your bag?  Ah - perfect!  Put that Riunite on ice.  That's a good breakfast.  You saw how hard I was working in that pool.  (Takes large bite of burrito)  This guy's gotta realize I never stop working.  Whether it's baseball, eating, exercising, wine, managing or dining, I'm always giving it everything I got.

(Takes large bite of burrito)  I thought this was supposed to be at my pace.  He won't let me play my Dean Martin or Jerry Reed records while I'm working out...you have to bring in these foods.  Have you ever had an egg white omelet?  You have to fill that damn thing with so much stuff to taste good.

I'm always working, you know?  We go to New York to play the Yankees, and if we're not at my customary table at Rao's, I'm making deals trying to keep Donny Yankees in New York.  We almost had him, didn't we?  If that damn secretary hadn't made a wake-up call to his room "by mistake" he'd still be there.  Then I'd have Wallach running things.

We sure put the Giants in their place...outta first place!  Sweeping the Giants, 5 wins in a row...you think the Doc would let me off easy, but (takes long draw of Riunite).  Aw man.  Only time I can drink this stuff is when I'm really thirsty.  It's like mixing wine with 7 Up.  But (belch) - whoop.

Did you know Donny Yankees doesn't even know enough Spanish to talk to Puig?  Yasiel and I have conversations about Cuban food all the time.  I take him to Porto's in Burbank and Donny gives me a look.  Fuck you, Donny, he needs to be in the right fucking frame of mind.  Let him feel at home.  No question that (takes large bite of burrito) oh - got a big bite of salsa there.  (Yawn)  All right.  I'll get cleaned up and then we can head to the stadium.  Ugh.  I think I ate this kinda fast.  Is it that you're not supposed to eat before you swim?  Huh...

Bruin a winner

UCLA won their first national championship in baseball last night, bringing some good baseball news around here for a change.  It also gives us one reason of many to post a photograph such as this:

The Bruins run to the title was summarized quite often as either "small ball" or "timely hitting" or something like the following:

"The Bruins (49-17) once again rode their pitching, as they closed out the College World Series title having allowed only seven runs in their past eight games...[t]he UCLA offense actually did its part in this one as well. Entering the championship round, Bruins hitters were batting only .248 on the season and .182 in the College World Series..."

And YET they go the job done.  Announcers and writers (sometimes considered people) were bemoaning the fact that the current stadium is too big...not enough home runs.  OK, so that means you have to pitch and play D and not fuck up.  Your throws from the outfield have to be on target.  If no one is hitting home runs, it's more of a feat that you're able to put up 8 runs en route to the title.

Outside of the local coverage (scant at best), all the reports are on the lack of home runs.  "What happened to the home runs in the college world series?"  Was the question before that "What happened to the donut holes in the press box?" - we'll never know.  But it doesn't matter.  A Los Angeles baseball team continually found ways to win despite whatever problems might be in their way.  Dodgers owners, all 6 of you - paying attention?

The Postmortem

As Donnie Mustache attempted a clandestine escape to his car following a 5-4 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, a rogue reporter hopped a fence and finagled a brief exchange with the embattled skipper.  According to the cousin of the sister of the parking lot attendant present, it went down something like this:

• Reporter: Donnie, the team is 8.5 games back. Your closer has an ERA of 6. Can things get any worse for this team?
• Donnie: Nick Punto's put up his best slugging percentage in 3 years. What do you want?
• Reporter: Be that as it may, sir, the Dodgers have been outscored 32-14 in the 9th inning or later this season. Did you consider pulling League at any point tonight?
• Donnie:  Like I said, it was Brandon's inning. You start pulling the rug out from under your closer, what's that do for his confidence? And I can't have my 7th and 8th inning guys coveting a role that they've never filled before.  Have you seen Jansen close a full season? That's poppycock logic.
• Reporter: Dodgers GM Ned Colletti signed League to a 3-year, $21 million contract last winter.  Is there any truth to the rumors that you are contractually obligated to pitch him in the 9th?
• Donnie: I'm not contractually obligated to take a dump every morning, but I do. 11:23am. Every day. Unless I can't. Shit happens. Unless it doesn't.  Brandon League is my closer until he isn't.  
• Reporter:  What do you make of the team's offensive struggles in the clutch?
• Donnie: When you're missing Matt Kemp, Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez and AJ Ellis, you're going to feel it.  But good food takes time. We all want the pot roast, but the fans are just going to have to settle for the hot pocket right now.  Luis Cruz has been BABIP'd to death this year, but you watch....
•  Reporter:  Tommy Lasorda thinks this team's problems stem from chemistry. Do you have anything to say to that?
• Donnie:  Chemistry, huh?  Tommy need to lay off the Breaking Bad ... and the bread sticks.  You show me a test tube that's thrown a strike, that's turned a double play, that's pulled off a double steal, and I'll show you the manager's seat.  I'm a can-do guy; Tommy's a cannoli guy.  There's no bonding there.

As Donnie approached his 2010 Honda Odyssey, he discovered a photo on the dash with the note, "This Dodger Dog don't hunt no more." - Magic

I saw it with my own eyes

I was there at Dodger Stadium last night.  I saw the Snakes do their batting around Kershaw, yet K remained effective.  I saw Puig continue to get hits.  I saw first base umpire Clint Fagan call Jerry Hairston out when he was safe by at least a step.  The worst part of that horrific call?  The Dodgers did their usual fucking up, keeping the lead at 3-1 going into the ninth.

I knew something wrong was about to happen...and it wasn't the Cool-a-coo ice cream sandwich I was eating (an intriguing concoction of chocolate, ice cream, and sawdust)

Folks, I was sitting at Loge level when I began screaming.  Pleading.  Trying to get the attention of any usher I could find.  Short of running on to the field, I tried my best to prevent what was next. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you're attention please.  Now pitching for the Dodgers, Brandon League."

(Indifference.  You readers know what music should be played.  Take it, "Slim" Jim Koehler)
 
Miguel Montero struck out.  (I've seen that start before.  By the way, the scoreboard implored the lemmings to "Get Loud" after that strike out.  The suggestion was ignored.)

Martin Prado gets a single.  (I know what happens next)

Gerardo Parra gets a double, Prado to 3rd.  (This is where the "Al-bu-quer-que" chant began, and I swear I had two sections of the Loge level joining me...the rest were laughing.  Laughing at someone who we all knew was going to fail.)

Jason Kubel hits a ball toward the middle.  It's knocked down.  Prado scores.  Parra to 3rd, Kubel safe at first.

"Chat-a-nooo-ga"  (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (A woman sitting behind us says that's "cruel but accurate.")

Someone named Didi Gregorius gets a walk to load em up. 

"COO-CA-MUN-GA" (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (The woman behind us says "It's like we're the Cubs."  I tell her I was a Cubs fan until I had to end that bad relationship.  Pause.  "Then this is all your fault.")

A.J. Pollock pops out to Ellis.  (Dear God, 2 outs...if this wasn't League...)

Willie Bloomquist gets an infield single where TWO RUNS SCORE?!

(I haven't seen 2 runs score on an infield single since watching my sister's 4th grade softball team struggle through a win-less season.)

Peter Moylan comes in to give up another of League's runners while Brandon is told he should just give it up.  The Dodgers, once up 3-1, are now down 5-3.  

Brandon's ERA is now

6

(We all just shake our heads)

The Bottom of the 9th saw the Dodgers get within a run and have runners at the corners with no one out.  No one came close to scoring.  We slowly leave the stadium having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Folks if there is a game to encapsulate the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers season, it's this one.  It has it all:

• Injuries
• Effective starting pitching pulled at random
• Double switches, a Donny Yankees favorite
• Minimal runs but a lot of hits
• Brandon League getting diarrhea on the mound in the 9th
• The Dodgers just missing a win, losing to a team they should beat
• Out-managed again

I'm out of a voice today, but it was for a good cause: I was warning those around me of impending doom, yet was powerless to stop it.  Brandon League sucks, and I hope Ned remembers that every 2 weeks when that jumbo check is handed to #31.

You can't keep a big man away from the table

You know who's still playing?  Not only playing, but playing well?

Bartolo "Muy Caliente" Colon!

"I'm working more than last year; I'm still fat but that don't mean nothing," Colon said through an interpreter.

Now, there might be a report due out soon that says "Muy Caliente" might have used an illegal substance while playing.  That substance might have been Frank's Red Hot Sauce, Bud.  You ever heard of that?

When asked before last night's game about the possible news leak, knowing that "Muy Caliente" has already served a 50 game suspension for his transgressions, he said

"I don't like to hear news."

Unless that news is "All you can eat hot wing night."

Check out the baseball stats from Engelberg over here: 7-2, 3.12 ERA.  You haven't pitched that well since your days in Montreal, Bartolo, and we can only imagine your enjoyment of all Quebec's fine French cuisine.  Mas jamon in that crepe, I would guess.

Don't let em get you down, Bartolo.  Give all of your all.

Questions not exactly answered

The Dodge leave the Mile High city in the same spot as before (the dumper), with not much positive realized.  Yasiel Puig comes up today to start a homestand (the timing is no mistake) with some minor league changes.

Matt Magill is sent back to Albuquerque...had a rough go of the games he started (way too many spot starts, Ned), and getting shelled on Sunday didn't help his cause.  No hard feelings...so it goes...

Chris Capuano, who should be in Albuquerque, is not pitching for now.  Good news!  Stephen Fife returns...which we really hope is good news, too.

But will these moves make a difference?  It's the sum of the parts we're talking about here...and each game this weekend showed the problems.

Problem 1: Brandon League is garbage.

Friday night's game was in the can...up by 2 going to the bottom of the ninth.  No Donny - don't call--NO!

Shit.  Well, let's recant Brandon's bottom of the 9th performance with some music.  Take it away "Slim" Jim Koehler!


League strikes out Arenado.  (Holy shit!)
LeMahieu gets a single.  (Uh oh...here comes Todd Helton)
Wild pitch, LeMahieu to 2nd.  (Of course)
TODD HELTON 2-RUN HOME RUN.  Brandon, you are incapable of doing your job.
Young grounds out.  (Too late)
Fowler lines out.  (Doesn't matter)

I can't think of more fitting music for such a typical performance.  But even more fitting is this headline from cbssports.com:

"Dodgers still confident in Brandon League."

WHY? 

Problem 2: I don't know what happened to Zack Grienke post-injury.

I wouldn't be surprised if he too is still injured, but he looks god-awful.  Lucky for him he didn't get the loss, but it's 4+ runs on each of his last 3 starts.  I'd scratch Zack from his next start if we had anyone healthy...he tends to pitch better at home, but if the choice is "good" or "shit" I don't like that coin flip.

Problem 3: The Dodgers released a guy from Albuquerque who was hitting .339.

Don't know him...don't know the situation.  But read that sentence again.  Makes sense, doesn't it?

Just spinning the tires in the mud...wake me when it's over.

Grace Under Fire?

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN -- Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, eh?  Amidst a brushfire of rumors and rampant speculation about Donnie’s fate as skipper of the Doyers, the boys in blue came out swinging Wednesday at Miller Park, winning the rubber match 9-2 on a whopping 12 hits.  LHP Hyun-Jin Ryu contained the Beer Makers with 7 1/3 innings of 2-run ball, notching his 5^th win to give fantasy owners a hump-day treat.

Here are a few notes to tide you over 'til Happy Hour:

He has the chops, but will get the playing time?

• No Andre Ethier.  Donnie plugged Andy Van Slyke’s boy into RF this afternoon, telling reporters, “I’m putting out my lineup that I feel is going to be the most competitive and going to compete the hardest.”  You don’t get paid $85 million through 2017 to sit on the bench playing chess with the sausage crew, unless you’re Andre Ethier.  What’s more, Van Slyke had himself a healthy day at the dish, with 2 base knocks and 2 rib-eyes.  He may need a good pilsner to wash those down… 

The answer at 3B? Better late...

• Tommy Lasorda burned his rigatoni when he read that the Dodgers brass is mulling the promotion of Cuban Crusader Yasiel Puig.  When asked for his take on the matter, Lasorda grunted, “It’s not up to me. If it were up to me, I’d trade him for Mike Schmidt.” Clearly, Lasorda rues the day he gave up making the lion's share of the decisions at Chavez Ravine.
  

The Brewers have been on a slide too...

• When asked who his closer was prior to Tuesday night’s losing effort, Donnie said, “I don’t know. We’ll see… I know who I want to use. But I don’t know if I want to anoint anybody.”  Brandon League made an appearance in Wednesday’s tilt, giving up a hit over one inning to preserve a steep 9-2 lead.  Asked whether he was impressed with the veteran’s effort Wednesday, Milwaukee mascot Bernie the Brewer said “He’s in a League of his own. I was watching from atop the slide during the 7^th inning stretch, and I’ve never seen a pitcher do a keg stand like that, no offense to Beckett.”  Josh Beckett was unavailable for comment.

FUBB

Those long time readers of the blog back in its old form (read: ME) remember this acronym.  That stands for

Fucked
Up
By
Bullpen

Folks, it was a shit weekend in Atlanta for the Dodge, and while the hitting was all over the place (mostly not for a hit) this is all on Donny Yankees and the bullpen.  Atlanta is a good team...don't think I expected the Dodgers to steamroll the Braves, but LA lost all 3 games; Atlanta was merely the beneficiary.

Our need for solid bullpen performances and a manager who knows how to manage pitchers becomes more evident by the day.

Friday
Bottom of the 6th, Dodgers lead 4-2

Ryu has thrown exactly 100 pitches.  He didn't bat in the 6th, but that doesn't matter.  The rulebook Joe left for Donny says, unless it's Kershaw, yank 'em.

Grrrrr gets an out, gives up a hit, Crawford commits an error.  He is relieved.

Rodriguez throws a walk, gives up a 3 run zonk, throws a walk, then gets the remaining 2 outs. 

It only got worse - Belisario gives up 2 runs thanks to a Crawford error and the usual pitching.

Donny, Carl, and the bullpen take the defeat.

Saturday
Bottom of the 8th, Dodgers lead 1-0

Chris Capuano, he who is out of gas and should be in New Mexico, is pitching out of his mind.  It's a rare treat, one that might (well, not really, but maybe) turn things around for him.  Motoring through, he gets 1 out in the 8th and gives up a hit.  He's not even at Donny's magical 100 pitches...and the recap says Cap tells Donny to be prepared to take him out because his calf is hurting.  Why then?  Why not after the inning?  If you ARE going to take him out, why have him bat in the top of the 8th?  We'll never know.

Jansen comes in, gives up a 2 run zonk, then for good measure, a solo home run.

Dodgers get 1 run on 2 hits.  McSteroid, Donny, and Kenley take the defeat.

Sunday
Bottom of the 8th, Dodgers lead 2-1

Matt Magill, through 5, is looking good.  1 run, 4 hits, 8 strike outs.  But you knew it.  I knew it.  It was a matter of time until someone in the bullpen let the magic fly.  For dramatics sake, it was crunch time...

Jansen, remaining in the game (stunning that Donny would keep a bullpen pitcher in multiple innings) loads the bases, complimented by an error in the infield.  Let's see...bases loaded, 1 run game, no outs.  Who do I turn to?

Here comes Mr. Helper!

League gives up a single (run scores), sac fly (run scores), single (run scores), sac fly (run scores), a walk, and then thankfully a strike out.

I'm out of words.

Dodgers get 2 runs on 3 hits.  McSteroid, Kenley and Mr. League take the defeat.

I'm out of mad Tommy pictures.  I'm losing interest in this team, and the mismanagement therein.  A team with "pinch hitters" who can even bat .100.  Pitchers removed from the game when they're hot.  Fielding from the North Valley Little League.

Ned and Donny.  Always on the sunny side.  Always optimistic.  Always "seeing good things" and "improvements" after being swept by better teams.

Prove me wrong.  I'd love to be wrong in this situation.  But the way you're doing things...   

Mild recovery

The Dodgers' bleeding finally ended in playing the Marlins (as is the case for most teams) but all is not well.  Sunday's game proved all you need to know.

Cap started, and while he kept that explosive Marlins offense in check, he couldn't even make it to 80 pitches.  Ugh.

Feeling comfortable with a 4 run lead, Donny Yankees puts in (sigh) Brandon League.

Check out this line
1 IP
2 R
3 H
ERA now 6.28

Brandon League sucks.

I am at a loss of words for why he is playing so bad, why he's allowed to play, and why he isn't in Albuquerque right now.

Years ago, when the Dodgers bullpen was truly horrible, Donovan Brandt and I used to say there had to be at least a 5 run lead for us to accept the bullpen's fate to end the game.  Was the "5 run cushion" reached?  If so, there are no worries.  Apparently, this rule will have to be extended to League.

When Drew Boatman was writing on the blog he once said moments like this shouldn't be considered "saves" but more "thank Christ it's over."  League wasn't awarded a "save" but he did his best to turn a 4 run lead into just that. 

I have to end with this quote from CBS Sports on League, because it explains so much:

"(In his last 3 appearances) he is 0-2 with a 13.64 ERA over that span, but manager Don Mattingly said earlier this week that he will remain the team's closer."

Helpful Information for Brandon League

We're averaging a different person in the office each day.  Sit down, Brandon.

OK, first off, you're the team's closer and we're doing the talking here, so "mouth closed" is an important policy you will follow...understand?  Secondly, and I don't know if you talked to Chris on the way out--you didn't?  Nobody talked to you?!  That's our mistake.  Well, just to give you a review: our manager Donny Yankees is interested in sending the team into the toilet rather than win--you don't think so?

How about we review your stats?  Donny considers you a "closer."  As a rule, you pitch 1 inning, maybe 2 at the most.  The other rule is you are to "close" the game, preventing a loss.  This has been difficult for you, huh?

Stats are one thing, you say?  Well, your ERA is 5.40.  So if you are pitching 1 inning, shouldn't--OK, I'll stop with the stats.  Here are some recent headlines:

"Brandon League keeping Kenley Jansen in the picture"

"Brandon League escapes with save No. 7"

"Brandon League serves up walk-off homer"

"Brandon League delivers second straight loss"

Look, I'm through giving you evidence.  We're wasting time.  You'll take Southwest Airlines, and...are you familiar with Albuquerque at all?  You've seen the facilities.  It's a fine town - it's got everything you'd want and more. The clubhouse manager has taken the liberty of packing your items for the trip.  This voucher is good all day, but if you hustle you can make the 12:30PM flight...that's nonstop.  When you get there, look for a kid in an Isotopes jacket.  He'll take you to the Hawthorn Suites.  The gal at the check-in desk already has your information.

I'm looking online here and it says the BioPark Zoo just welcomed a baby giraffe.  See, you'll have fun there, and get back your "command."  Thanks, Brandon.

Helpful Information for Chris Capuano

Well, someone is all smiles!

That's good.  I know the Dodgers will be talking to you about this in the very near future but I thought I could help with some transportation information.

American, Southwest, and United all have non-stop flights to Albuquerque.  Of those three, you might want to choose Southwest since they don't charge a baggage fee.  That 10.38 ERA is likely heavy, so do the smart thing and have it weighed at the desk before you go through security.  You'll want to leave early for your flight as well, considering the pain of flying out of LAX. 

Don't worry about that so much - you'll enjoy your new home a lot.  It will "help" your career to "get back on track" from your injury.  It's actually a very nice area.  Don't bring up Lobos basketball, though...kind of a sore spot right now.

Yeah, I don't know about how seating works on Southwest...it's kind of like a bus.  I haven't flown them enough to know.  Again, get there early.  Thanks a lot.

Wait - that bag is team property.  You don't have your own?  OK, I think we have an old storage bag around here somewhere.  Remember, in AAA you have to bring your own bag.  Thanks again.

(Expletive)

What are you complaining about, Tommy?

I'm sick of this shit!  I'm sick of the Giants shoving us around!

Maybe they're better than you, it's got nothing to do with my call.

I'm telling you, you better toss me out of here.  We've got so many fucking injuries I can't even bring in a pitcher!

You don't trust Don Mat--

That's a fucking Yankee taking this team into the ground!  I'm the only one who gives a damn.  Toss me out of here before I slug ya.

You're not going to slug anybody, Tommy.  Get back to the dugout.

You're uglier than a shit I take after eating trail mix.

I was wrong.  YER OUTTA HERE!

Well that's good, asshole!  Only took ya a fucking hour!

The Los Angeles Intensive Care Units

Yowzer...one month in, and whatever the stakes and predictions were for the Dodgers this season, the results are below...and getting worse. 

The Dodge began the season with and overabundance of starters, and refused to commit to the 5.  The season started with this group:
Kershaw
Ryu
Beckett
Greinke
Billingsley

Ted Lilly, who shouldn't be on the team, was eventually forced down to Albuquerque.  This left two other starters...Aaron Harang and Chris Capuano.  What happened, and what did Ned do to adjust?

1. Harang was sent to Colorado for catcher Ramon Hernandez.  Oh good, we now employ a catcher who has 1 hit in 18 at bats.  The Rockies end up trading Harang to Seattle.  How's he doing?  Currently 1-3 with an 8.68 ERA.  A push if there ever was one.

2.  Billingsley thought he was healthy.  He was not.  By the 2nd start we found that arm to need the ol TJ surgery.  That opens up a spot for minor leaguer (who was called up last year) Stephen Fife.  Fife has pitched 1 game (literally called up the night before) and couldn't even go 5 innings.  Naturally, Fife is now injured as well.

3. Capuano was sent by Mattingly to the bullpen.  Cap didn't like this.  He didn't look good out of the bullpen, and thanks to injuries in the rotation, was made a starter again.  Didn't look too good, either.  Naturally, he is now injured.


4. Greinke was injured in a brawl by a filthy San Diego Padre...who wisely avoided playing in LA the following week.  Out through May at least.  I guess that means Ted Lilly. 

5. Lilly has 2 starts, currently 0-1 with a 5.63 ERA.  Not horrible enough to be sent down but guess who else is injured.  Ted just got a cortisone shot in a rib.

This leaves the Dodgers with 4 healthy starters in the rotation.  Two are good (Billingsley and Ryu).  One is average to bad (Beckett).  One is a minor leaguer who looked all right in his one start (Matt Magill).  That's it.  That's your starting group.  And as much as I'd want to normally cut and adjust the pitching, there aren't enough bodies to do so.  The rest in Albuquerque aren't worth the call. 

In terms of bats, thank goodness Hanley has returned.  He did so hitting a home run Vin labeled "Sky High."  This solves some of the problems.  Luis Cruz, the man who was to be the 3rd baseman this year based on his excellent 2012 campaign, is batting a scant .088.  Bye.

Donny Yankees continues to keep Skip Schumaker around.  He's in the infield, outfield, and pitching.  In sum, it's a .128 average that isn't helping at all except pitching the 9th of a blowout loss because Donny, using his Torre method, has used everyone in the bullpen.  Bye.

Hernandez...mentioned him above, but it's worth saying again.  I'd like to be a back-up catcher who can just watch called strike 3's sail by me.  I can turn and yell at no one in particular and wander back to the dugout.  Bye.

Hitting coach Mark McSteroid hasn't exactly been a good luck charm.  Guys like Ethier and Kemp used to be great hitters.  Now, the team has to count on Gonzalez and Crawford to be the sole providers of runs, as the Dodgers have one of the highest left on base totals in the National League.  How does someone like Matt Kemp become a guy who's "pressing" in at-bats?  I really hope Mark isn't changing what wasn't broken.  Though I suppose if you get a shot in the rump each morning, no matter your swing, it will be a home run.  Right, Bud?

Albuquerque has two guys worth bringing up: catcher Tim Ferdowicz who's batting an insane .514 with 4 home runs.  Sounds good.  A back-up outfielder, Matt Angle, is currently .312...also worth a go.  But whether either guy gets called up, the question remains: why is the front office so passive?  Why do they react instead of act? 


Knowing them, I'm sure Magic, Peter and the gang want to open up the checkbook and get someone else...but if you're truly going to solve the shitstains from McCourt, scouting and talent evaluation has to be improved.  If you don't have any rising stars in the minors worth using, what good is it to sit in your own shit?  A change like that can't occur overnight, but you'd be hard pressed to find it happening 1 month into the season.

Grumbles

(Tommy Lasorda was seen muttering to himself after last night's game.  Thankfully, a Dictaphone was nearby, recording his comments)

Christ, look at me.  Look like I haven't slept in fucking days.  Feel like it, even though I've been enjoying those new Big Blue Burgers.  What a shitty series against the Padres.  The fucking Padres!  Two wins those guys have, and they come up here...well, first those assholes injure one of our star pitchers.  Then they come up here and manhandle us.

Take last night's game for example.  Donny Yankees thinks Kemp is "frustrated" so he starts Skip Fucking Schumaker?!  Guy's off to a worse start than Kemp!  Still no solution for the Third Base and Short Stop problem.  I still don't trust that Punto guy.  Hey Wallach, is it POON-Toe or PUNT-o?  Aw hell, it doesn't matter.  He finally gets a start and goes 0 for 4 with an error.  Just watching pitches go by.  Sellers isn't even at .200.

Then there's last night.  We finally put Cap back as a starter...Donny Yankees trying to make starters closers with all the injuries we have...and he's serving up more meatballs than I can handle.  Well, more than Doc says I can have, but you guys know my capabilities.  By the way, I know I'm supposed to have turkey meatballs now, but you have to tell me when they're turkey and when they're ground Italian sausage, capice?

Oh man, that means we have to start Lilly sometime next week.  Well, you'll find out how far a car will run with no gas.

(Lasorda than took a long draw from a glass containing one of his award-winning wines, and stared into his wall of fame)

Things are shaping up

(Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda was interviewed after Sunday's game to discuss their start to the season)

Hello baseball fans!  I want to show you something.

That's me, back at the ballpark.  After the Giants series, I told my Doc that it had been almost a year since the recent heart-attack, and the team needed my leadership.  So, I stopped doing exercises and eating right, and returned to the new and improved Dodger Stadium!  I've been gone so long and spent so much time trying to eat that trail mix, I bet half these guys didn't recognize me.  Some of 'em are new, so I had a lot of conversations with these new guys, reminding them they always have a seat at my private dining booth in the locker room.  Except Uribe - he's ready to challenge me to a rib eating contest, but not when he's with the club!  I've told that guy 3 fucking times now, and he keeps saying "Tommeee!  Reeebs!"

See, even just writing about it gets me hungry.  Let me get the baseball stuff out of the way first and foremost.  A year ago, a lot of windbag writers were giving us shit because we had an "easy schedule" to start the season.  Look, I'M not the one who sends Pittsburgh to us so early in the season...but I'm glad for their generosity!  The Dodger pitching has been phenomenal, and we swept the Pirates as we do in these parts.  Even Donny Mustache is getting his shit together.  He accidentally put Matt Grrrrr in the game, and after 2 batters, realized his mistake.  Out went Matt, and in went someone who knew how to pitch.

Saturday Night's 1-0 win was another masterful performance by Kershaw, but god-awful hitting.  Why the fuck did Magic get all star-struck and hire McGwire as hitting coach?  As I told people then and now: take the roids out of that guy and what do you have?  Don Mattingly.  Uh oh.

Anyway, once I saw the Dodgers were coming to bat, I did my best to sample the new food items at the ballpark.  I know a lot of fans want to get comfortable at the stadium, but without much knowledge of the food, feel lost and confused.  Well, here's my take on our new friends:

Brooklyn Dodger Dog - Good, improved toppings to a Dodger Dog, but not spicy enough as I anticipated.  Don't evoke Brooklyn and give me a regular dog!

Big Blue Burger - Delicious!  Seems wrong to have a burger at a baseball game, but you won't make a mistake choosing this delight.  Go easy on the onions.  Kind of gassy.

Cheeseburger - We all but kicked out Carl's Jr. and their confused workers for this, and it's quite good.  A little small for my appetite, though. 

Grilled Cheese - Peter Guber added this for the non-meat eating fan.  I honestly had no idea this was at the stadium.  Someone brought it on a plate, I ate it, end of story.  The REAL story is that after Guber told me about it, I asked him why don't we have Sicilian style Garlic Bread?  He said "I'll get back to you."  He'd better, or my back will get to him if you grasp the concept.

Carne Asada Tacos - Had these with Fernando on Sunday.  We liked em...3 don't fill you up, so plan accordingly.  Had a Pretzel right afterward that didn't sit well.  Don't think that's a good combination.

And, in case my Doc is reading this...well, we have a day off and I just arrived in San Diego.  Going to go for a walk around the waterfront.  Get a little air and give some more, I always say.  Here come the Dodgers!

No Hanley, No Win #1

It's a long season, we know this...and we know we can't win 'em all.  That said, last night's shut-out loss to the Giants showed the problem the Dodgers have in filling that gap.

A parade of minor-league talent will be taking that position.  Last night was Justin Sellers...and if there was a 1-man loss, here's a stat line for you:

2 AB
0 H
1 K
2 E

So after personally (and I mean that in the most literal sense) putting the Dodge down 3 runs, Donny Yankees chooses Nick Punto in the 8th.  Nick will "pinch hit."  He came to the plate, the crowd said nothing, and here's the sequence:

Ball
Strike looking
Foul into the dirt
Ball
Strike out looking

Did you expect anything different?  The Dodgers were blinded by Giant pitching last night, and it can happen against most anyone.  But when you're giving up runs due to lack of ability, you're screwed either way.  Sellers, I'd be saving those checks big time until Han Ram returns.  Maybe you could own a sports bar or something...maybe a car wash?