Goodbye to the 2013 season (and to the blog)

(sigh)

Well, that's the way it's going to end.  We send our best pitcher to the mound and he gets destroyed.  In that respect, the Cards more than deserve it.  They're much more consistent in hitting and pitching.  Doesn't make their fans any easier to take, of course.

Expectations for the Dodgers this year were all over the map, but there was unity in where we as fans wanted to go, and that was the World Series.  Damn it, if we have to over-spend to get there, we don't care.  It's not "our" money, right?  Despite stunning incoherence in the dugout, they made it to the NLCS and, unlike the strong Dodger teams at the end of last decade, we waited until the end of the sixth game to bow out.  That's progress, I guess.  It was really a tale of 3 seasons this year...

Season 1:

The start was mediocre until we hit May.  San Fran swept the Dodgers out of town...who then arrived home to have Arizona do the same.  That six game stretch was one of the least inspiring efforts I'd seen the Dodgers make since Jim "I think I'm awake" Tracy was the manager.  This was tough to watch for a lot of reasons, the biggest being that this was NOT a difficult division this year.  The Dodgers were doing it to themselves where it doesn't feel good.  Compound that with Donny's "managing" and it felt like the team was screwed before the game began.  June started the same way, and it took an 8-2 end to the month to push the team to a winning monthly record for the first time this year.  Things were turning around.

Season 2:

People were getting healthy, Puig arrived to do his thing, and the increased run support made it tougher for Donny to fuck up the games.  He got to do what American League managers do best: sit.

Monthly average run totals per game
April: 3.38
May: 3.67
June: 3.82
July: 5.00
August: 4.41

Notice a trend there?  The team was scoring more, easing the burden on pitching (particularly keeping away the problem children in the bullpen) and setting in motion the sensational streak during the dog days of summer.  Like a rocket, the Dodgers were in first...and it didn't look like it would be a struggle to clinch.

Season 3:
After such a streak, and against an average-to-bad division, this should continue to be a breeze, right?  The only non-division series was against Cincinnati and it showed that, after Donny masterminded the game before the trip, the Dodgers were swept by a play-in game playoff team.  Didn't do much for anyone's confidence, but Donny (in press and on this blog) didn't seem to care.  The rest of the month?  A losing record.  That back and forth.

Atlanta was good.  I think we all knew as long as the bullpen of the early season series wouldn't get to make the trip, we liked their chances.

St. Louis...well, it was rose colored glasses.  I knew they'd be tough, but it didn't work out.  As said above, so be it.

Player I was wrong about

Juan Uribe

OK, I admit it.  I also admit my failure in not noticing one key motivator for Juan, beyond food (of course): his contract is up at the end of the year.  When Luis Cruz showed up DOA at the start of the season, and HanRam out more often than not, Cruz filled the void with his "swing from the heels" bat.  No speed what-so-ever, but pretty good fielding.  Juan gives his best batting average and on-base percentage since 2009.  Good for him.  The home run against Atlanta in game 4?  INSANE.  He made $8 million last year, and he can command more than that now if his agent is good enough...I would rather he not do it for the Dodgers.  The team paid him over $20 million and received .204/.191 and then .278.  With the team signing another Cuban escapee (Alex Guerrero) for large bucks, it means he he'd have to prove his ability at 3rd quickly (or Ellis is out at 2nd).  Still, send the guy some pizza(s).  He over-achieved in a big way...one I didn't think was possible.

Player I was right about

Dee Gordon

Can barely hit.  Can barely field.  In the immortal words of Lou Brown "You may run like Mays but you hit like shit."  Donny puts him on the playoff roster, and was part of Donny's genius swap in game 1.  Pinch runner, replaces Gonzo at 1st, and then DOESN'T ATTEMPT TO STEAL A BASE.  

Moves - fielders

Re-sign

A.J. Ellis

Young (for a 1-2 year contract, and a better deal for us)

Send to minors

Federowicz

Van Slyke

Cut/Release

Schumaker (unless he wants to just pitch)

Punto

Hairston

You know what...I don't care...I really don't.  I don't care if we get screwed on the deal, and I don't care about the rest, just get rid of Brandon League.  Or Donny.  One or the other.  When they get together, the results are disastrous.  And we want to win.  Every game.  The Dodgers owe Brandon $20 million+ in that contract.  Guys, figure it out.  I could do more research on this, but I don't think I need to - you understand my point.

And so, goodbye

I can't say I was really involved in the creation of this blog (it started as Twins-focused) but I'd chime in every now and then.  There were some really entertaining writers around as you can see in the history.  After the famous 2010 ALDS, it all shut down.  Drew said it best: they entered Vikings territory.  I increased my Dodger writings but continued to hope (want) someone else to join me.  The reaction I received more often than not was "send me some posts...I like reading your stuff."  Well, thanks, but do you...

It isn't just the rough Midwestern obstacle effort that presented the problem - it was LA folks, too.  I'm well aware this blog is way too late in the game to make a difference (and we all have real lives and jobs in the way) but this wasn't intended to be a one-man operation.  And as I see other blogs I write on die (and die), blogs that were fun to read and participate within, well, there's no need speak into an unplugged microphone.  Maybe it's all passe, I don't know.  I'll continue to write on Pacific Gold when the mood strikes (a blog much more free form) but it appears now only for my benefit when everyone else is taking pictures of food.

Though it goes without saying, I'll say it anyway - good season!  Optimistic for next season.  Always enjoying a great Lasorda picture (eating or otherwise).  He outlived the blog and he'll outlive a lot of those cows out in the pasture ready to transform themselves to meatballs.  

Thanks for reading.  And, as Vin says...

So Long. 

Yea, our prayers are answered

Steve Lyons and Eric Collins will no longer be in the broadcast booth for the Dodgers next season. The LA Times writes that the team will make a change next year ending a run that saw Lyons working on the Dodgers' television broadcasts for nine years, most recently as an analyst on road games and on pregame and postgame shows. Collins has covered the team for five years, and handled play-by-play on televised games outside California and Arizona which were also games that the legendary Vin Scully did not travel.  

One Down, Two to Go!

(Former Dodgers manager and famous eater Tommy Lasorda was caught in a break of his post-game celebratory meal where he answered a few questions.)

So I finished that "personal size" pizza, but if that's all you got, I'm gonna need two more.  Huh?  These are medium?  Whatever.  Ah - extra Italian sausage!  Perfecto!

I'm about to...can I get another glass of my award-winning wine?  Thanks, Dave.  I can't begin to eat pizza #2 unless we have some wine here.  People talk about me and talk pasta, but I love pizza, too.  It's a great "on-the-go" meal.  Sometimes I'm eating Sicilian Sausage sandwiches, and next thing you know, the bread slips, and it's a huge mess.  Remember what I always tell you: Never Waste Food.  If someone's about to toss about a wedge of garlic bread, pizza crust, half bottle of vinaigrette, or Hostess Baseball, I'm right in their face!  Then that food goes into my face.

I've got to start quick, where's the wine?  Uribe is one of my heroes from our first round victory over the Braves!  Crawford is as well, and don't forget about K.  Kershaw and Koufax.  They are the bookends of this franchise.  Hershiser is the bookmark.  But Uribe, once he sees this pizza, I'm screwed.  He might match me in pounds, but he's got decades on me.

Los Angeles can be a tough place to find decent pizza.  This is a burger town, as you know.  It's tough when I'd be on my way home from a game, and all the Italian restaurants are closed.  The open pizza places serve that "New York" style that's like sauce on a paper towel.  I once ate a New York style pizza in one sitting and then turned to Jerry Reuss and said "where are we going for dinner?"  That frustration lead me to one of my famous endorsements: Chicago Brothers frozen pizza.


My brothers have a restaurant back east, too.  You can get the Lasorda family special - 5 pounds of pasta in a big - ah there's the wine!

The fruits of victory!  There's nothing like it.  Hey Juan...you oughtta try some fruit one of these (belch) whoop.  OK, time to eat.  Move it.

Just so we're clear for the future...

Donny Yankees had our playoff rotation starting all garbage games in the final series of the season.  Just something for the memory banks for this time next week.

After all the ups and downs...

...the Dodgers win the division!  Let's go into the locker room to see the celebration and--

"I tell ya - this fu-- whoop...this team started out so shi--  uh...so bad, it took a lot of work.  I had a lot of conversations with em all, you know.  Had to drive some guys to New Mexico, but we got hot...Big D, we're the best of the West!"

That's fantastic, Tommy.  I know you're excited.  Any--

"Caravan is heading west.  We're gonna be in San Diego, party tonight at Salvatore's Cucina, got the pope table, and my wines will be there.  I love it!  Yankees, go get me a drink!"

You're talking to Dodgers mana-

"And another thing!  If you don't like the fact that we jumped in the Diamondbacks' pool...tough nuts!"  

"All right, boys, get together for a picture!"

One More Question...

"Yeah, you know, this team is still going in the right direction.  We just played a good team.  Could one of you guys put ice in this cup?  I still haven't figured out how to do that yet.  Anyway, any more questions?"

"Yeah, numbnuts, I got one.  How did your fucking 'rest strategy' work out this week?  Would you say your plan was a good one?"

"Tommy, is that you?  Hey, I didn't know you were here.  Look, everyone, it's--"

"Don't look at me, let's look up to the front at Donny Yankees!  Get a good look at the guy who's managing the ball club.  He said all of our best players needed extra rest for this series.  And after he practically threw the game in Denver, he--"

"Tommy, we try to win every game."

"YOU fucking don't.  I'm talking here, dunce.  So then you start this fucking plan...we go into Cincy, a hot town.  And I would know, I ate a gallon of this shit you call 'chili' and never got full.  How did that work?  You were lucky just to get two guys to hit the fucking ball each game!  All this rest, and no run production!"

"Well, the Reds have great pitching and...you know, I'm happy the way we played.  We battled.  Um...(looks at notes) we have pitching and I'm, uh..."

"Don't fucking look at me."

The Give Up Game

The Dodgers are comfortably in first place, playing Colorado.  They have a day off before a big series in Cincinnati.  You would think, thankfully, that most of the regulars would play since we have a day off, particularly against Colorado's best pitcher.

But then you remember our manager is woefully confused.  Endorsing Ned's bizarro pick-up, Edinson Volquez (who maybe shouldn't be playing anymore) gets the start instead of Fife...and with Puig still day to day with injury, Donny also rests TWO starting outfielders, along with the 1st AND 2nd baseman.  After Volquez gets shelled (of course he does), he sends in Brandon League.  OK, this is just a give-up game.  Brandon (naturally) throws two wild pitches but somehow doesn't give up a run.  Donny continues the give-up with Marmol.  Why even try, right?

But then the top of the 8th, the Dodgers get hot and cut the Rockies lead to 2.  Now what does Donny do?  Start sending in the guys he benched AND then follow that up with the guys from the bullpen who were to get rest as well.

The managing in this game simply baffled me.  Was it a give-up?  If so, why decide to try just because it's close?  I wanted to call Dodger Talk and ask Kevin Kennedy, someone who's managed big-league ball, if he's ever seen anything like this.  I understand guys needing rest due to the riggers of a 162-game schedule, but this is re-dic.  Another caller beat me to asking the question.  His response was that he "understood" benching all these guys because they'd all play in Cincy.  OK, we disagree...whatever.  Then, he states he was "confused" by sending Rodriguez in the 8th.  So we DO agree...you just want to tote the company line, I guess.

Donny's press conference seemed unusually upbeat, stating that Volquez "showed him a lot" and that he and Rick Honeycutt know how to "fix" his problems.  Don't worry, Donny assured everyone, the usual folks will return in Cincinnati, he's just playing the strangest shell game with the starting rotation.  Why not have 7 guys?!  There's no rule about that, and Joe Torre never said he couldn't do that.  And here we are.

Let there be no question: it is the ability of the Dodgers individual players that lead to this success.  And, I'm willing to wager large amounts of any sort of valuable item that some mouth-breating writer somewhere else (not LA) thinks Donny is doing great things.  He really "turned them around" after he "drove them into the fucking ground" - wait...the start wasn't his fault at all...

Shit, we're in first, I need to cheer up.  Ah, here's a picture of Tommy and Ice Cube.

We're Like a Machine

(With one month to go, former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda reviewed the team's status)

Isn't this a fun picture?  This is R2D2 from Star Wars.  He's a robot, and he does things automatically.  In the future this movie says giant monsters will fly rocket ships.  That's almost as unbelievable as our August record!  23-6, and just like this robot, we seem to win automatically!  You might not think sweeping the Padres at home would be that difficult, but you try to do something boring for a whole weekend and come out on top!

There were moments we were down and whatever, but I knew we had it in the bag.  So, the team had me walk around with this robot and it's making all sorts of beeping sounds...making people laugh.  I say "What is this shit, D2?  Do you talk?"  It let out a long, low noise which made everyone laugh again.  I told em when I make a long, low noise, people just run for cover!

All right, 1 month to go, let's do a rundown:

• We added Michael Young to play 3rd.  Thank god...and notice how Uribe got hot after the trade.  Juan just needs way too much motivation.  Did you know one game last season I covered his chair in BBQ sauce?  He ended up trying to eat it.  Fucking...(belch) oh boy.  
• Just to prove that Ned still doesn't know his mustache from dog dung, he signs Edinson Volquez as a 6th starter.  With Cap finally pitching better (only took him 4 fucking months) we now know the weak link in our rotation.  It's September, an expanded roster, and we bring back Fife.  Then we get this junk?!  Boggles the mind.  Hey, if I found $10 on the carpet, would I go back to the store for more vegetables?  Of course not.
• Puig is day to day...so you move Ethier back to right, Schumaker (I guess) in center, Crawford in left.  Season to taste.
• I like the infield of Gonzo at first, Ellis at 2nd, Han Ram at short, and Young at 3rd.  Now watch Donny Mustache fuck it up.
• A.J. Ellis is a rock at catcher.  The back-ups now include Drew Butera.  You read that right.  What, the kid who played Engleberg in The Bad News Bears wasn't free?

Boy...getting hot outside.  Dave, you got that pitcher of Sangria ready?  

LaTroy Hawkins never changes. Thank god!

Ah LaTroy...so many years of failure...and so enjoyable.

The "E.Z. Gas" years with the Twins, including the year where his ERA was 6.66...

The Cubs seasons, where he personally made sure they didn't make the playoffs...

His time with the Yankees, which included this gem from 2008 (right before he was released)

LaTroy Hawkins has been suspended three games for throwing an inside, head-high pitch to Baltimore Orioles left fielder Luke Scott

In said game, he did that twice, and missed twice!

The 2010 Brewers season, when he had an ERA of 8+...

It was that season that came to mind late last night, as Hawkins arrived in the 9th to "save" the game for the Mets.  Yes, he still pitches...and there he was in a pressure situation.  My memory tied 2010 with last night to one player: Andre Ethier.

2010
Bottom of the 9th, tie game.  LaTroy loads the bases and faces Andre.

WHOOPS!

(Look at LaTroy's face.  Uh oh.)

2013

Bottom of the 9th, Mets up 2.  Hawkins gives up a single to Mark Ellis, and then Jerry Harriston Jr. hits a comebacker (no pun intended) to LaTroy's junk.  Right to the junk.  LaTroy, of course not wearing a cup, and whose crotch is hurting, stays in the game.

("A stretcher for his balls?!")


Maybe it won't hurt if...hey - is that Andre Ethier?

WHOOPS!

The Dodgers go on to sweep the Mets in 12 innings thanks to Gonzo doing what he does on a daily basis.  By that time, LaTroy was icing down yet another failure.

Chris Capuano pitched and naturally looked over-whelmed.  Brandon League and Carlos Marmol were also involved...and the Dodgers STILL won.  But let there be no discussion: LaTroy was last night's hero.

Punto and DeVito, together again

You know you're on a serious, SERIOUS roll when Nick Punto hits a home run which ends up being the icing on the cake for a win.

You know you're making waves when a solid gold person like Danny DeVito is cheering you on.  He's also wearing your jersey.

But you know Nick Punto is still Nick Punto when the catalog title of Danny's he chooses is...Batman Returns????

No other titles came to mind?

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?

The Van?  (OK, if Punto said "The Van" I'd forgive him of all his sins)

TAXI?!

The Ratings Game?  (If Punto said "The Ratings Game" he'd be my favorite player forever)

Romancing the Stone?  Get Shorty?  Hell, he's been on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia longer than Taxi.

Punto, it appears, even surrounded by and delivering success, is still Punto.

Clearing the Table

(Toward the end of dinner, baseball legend and famous eater Tommy Lasorda began to discuss the Dodgers recent good fortune, including sweeping Tampa Bay)

The guy was playing the piano, but the singer was always standing by him, she didn't work the room.  Turns out, the guy on the piano had the singer feed him ravioli as he played.  Never seen that before.  First time I was in Palm Springs, too.

Sure, I'm ready for desert.  What do we have?  Uh huh.  OK...sure, might as well bring it all out.  You know, we were at Trattoria Marcella in St. Louis and I told all those windbag writers that this week was the measuring stick.  Remember how I told you that you can tell a lot about a restaurant by smelling the garlic bread?  Well, the same with this past week.  4 at St. Louis, seems like they'll be in the playoffs...and 3 at home against Tampa Bay.  They were in first.  But 6-1?  Sweeping the Rays?  I'll tell you where we measure on the breadstick - right at the top!

When I was at the game Friday night, and we're down 6 to nothing, I did what I could to get the team on track.  I gave some base-running signals to Wallach, and I told our chef Dave Pearson to get me my lucky fork.  I don't use this very often, but this was a big series!  So he gets it out, cleans the dried tomato off the handle, and has an open-face prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich delivered to my seat.  I tell ya - this was the first time in the game I was nervous.  I'd never brought the fork outside the dining room.  Then, as I'm eating, Magic Johnson sees it and he's all smiles.  "Wow, Tommy!  That looks delicious!  Are you finished?  I'd love to eat the rest if you're done.  You know, one time Pat Riley--"  I told him to can it.  I'm eating, and more importantly, I'm eating to help the team!  You all saw what happened.  I finished that sandwich in the blink of an eye.  And we won, too.

Then, on Sunday (belch) whoop.  Whew...that one...OK, Dave, that desert coming?  Yeah, let's start with the molasses cookies.  MMMM...no, I don't need milk, but you can open another of my award winning wines.  Goes good with everything, especially winning!  Ah, butter pecan ice cream!  Wonderful...do you have whipped cream for those strawberries?  I thought so.

Afternoon snooze

(We attempted to ask baseball legend Tommy Lasorda his thoughts on the Dodgers' incredible road winning streak, but...)

Mr. Lasorda?  We just wanted to...Tommy, I...is he...

Does anyone know if he's OK?  What?  Oh, he ate a whole deep dish pizza last night?  That would make anyone sleepy.  I don't know if I should...yeah, can you get that RC vendor down here?  He might need some...oh, I think he's waking up.

Tommy?  4 game sweep of...OK, I'll wake him after the game for the drive down to St. Louis, but I know he'll want to stop at a pizza place in Springfield, but...yeah, I guess just let him sleep.

Come on, Royals! : A photo essay

Yes, most of the reporting around here is on the Dodgers, but acknowledgement must be made: the Royals, as I type, are the hottest team in baseball.  Who cares?  Well, you should.  For all the pain Pirates fans endure because they haven't had a winning season in 20 years, the Royals (last winning season was 10 years ago and, before that, another 10 years) last made the playoffs the year they won the World Series: 1985.  Almost 30 years without a playoff appearance.  This is why it's impossible not to think good thoughts for these guys.  (Note I don't say "root" because it doesn't sound like being a fan of theirs is good for your health)

This photo comes from the Royals' home page, with a curious bit of wording.  Yeah, we know they're in the major leagues.  So why mention it?  Do they need to remind everyone?  Not a very inspiring internal memo.

Ervin Santana - wonder where he went?  He's in Kansas City, and the ship has turned around.  7-6 with a 3 ERA...can you really consider someone's record when they're with the Royals?  

Their catcher, batting .280 is Salvador Perez.  Salvador.  Got a hit in the All-Star game.  Get 'em, Salvador.

Lorenzo Cain (my goodness, the names on this team) made this catch in Minnesota.  The Royals ultimately scored much more than the Twins for this to be a game saving catch, but still: the ice cream scoop catch to rob a home run.  I'd also like to note that this blog just mentioned the Twins.  For yearly consistency sake.

Could we see it?  Royals in the playoffs?  Sports Illustrated making an RC Cola reference once more?  Come on, Royals!

Oh, Canada!

(Former Dodgers manager and Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame member Tommy Lasorda shared a picture from the museum's collection while reflecting on the Dodgers play in Toronto)

I thought you'd like this old picture of me from Canada!  That's when I was playing for the Montreal Royals.  At the time of this picture, I had just accepted a challenge to eat 100 pieces of calamari.  I didn't even win!  Hard to believe knowing my reputation now, but at the time I didn't have the physique.  Look at me: I was an athlete!

Beyond those days, I haven't had a better time in Canada beyond this series against the Blue Jays.  After blowing em out Monday night, we come back Tuesday and Wednesday to win!  Our 10th road win in a row - an LA record!  Now, you might expect this from a 1st place club like the Dodgers, particularly against a junk team like Toronto.  But remember what I always say, except for a buffet, nothing comes easy.  It's the sign of a winner to play to the last pitch!

Now that I think about it...I think this week's series ties for my favorite time in Canada.  My other favorite time was at the start of the 1982 season.  I think it was May or so, but we were in Montreal playing the Expos.  Welch was on the mound, and we were in control.  I had a lot of old friends visiting me from the days of the picture above, so it was a great trip.  Anyway, Welch is in a groove so I get the clubhouse guy's attention.  I tell him of a nearby place that has good ham and croissant sandwiches and stuff, so I give him some cash.  I thought I'd remembered to exchange money, but I gave him a $20 U.S.!  Well, he comes back with 2 grocery bags full of food!  I totally forgot.  Well, before the word got out I took down the 1st bag.  2nd was harder, but Nando helped - he needed his strength because he was pitching in a couple days.  Shit, to think there was a time when $20 would buy me enough food to fill me up.

(Yawns)  Excuse me.  Still tired from that night flight last night.  What's in the fridge?

When you're hot, you're hot

Last night was simply a thing of beauty.  You're hearing and reading a lot about the Dodgers play of late, but nothing compares to last night.  How this could be the team I wrote about a little over a month ago is the same team now, I don't know.  But when you have the following pitching:
Chris Capuano
Carlos Marmol
Brandon League
Kenley Jansen nearly blowing a save, for texture
...and Nick Punto playing like I told you he would: 0-5 on a night when everyone else got a hit...

...you don't win the game.  When it was 8-3 after the 6th inning, I said aloud (to, it turns out, no one interested) that I didn't like the fact that the Dodgers in essence forfeit every 5th game when Cap pitches.

Then the tide turned.

After playing UCLA ball in the 7th, the 8th inning came around.  Gonzo and Either with dongs, and we have the lead...and somehow (despite the list mentioned at the start of the article) the Dodgers win.

Just as when you're in a slump you find ways to lose, when you're truly hot you win games like that.  Still can't believe it.

Of course, the first I read of this crediting Donny Mustache at all for this win, I'm throwing the monitor out the window.

Il comandante parla

(Baseball legend and famous Italian Tommy Lasorda spoke Sunday night in Washington DC at the Italian Consulate, concurrent with the Dodgers playing the Nationals )

Thank you very much!  I have to say it's always a great pleasure to speak in front of so many great Italians, knowing all you do for us in America.  But anytime I'm in Washington DC, I always have to say a famous quote from this town, and if you don't mind a little Italian...

"Ora, io sono in controllo!"

(Everyone laughs)

You know, I've been in town all weekend with the Dodgers in town before speaking to you tonight.  And it's funny, after last season, I thought for sure this town would be fully behind the Nationals, but it's still a Skins town, huh?  Well, it has to be...because this morning I ran in to some residents from this town on my way to lunch.  They said "Wow, Tommy Lasorda, great to meet you!  I wish, if we ever got a team, you'd be a part of it."  And I said hey - you do have a team right now.  And the guy says back to me "I know."

(chuckles)

You know, I've coached a lot of great Italians over the years.  I insisted we draft, and I managed, Mike Piazza.  By the time he made the bigs he said to me "Tommy, I'm indebted to you.  What advice can you give me?"  I said kid, if you're catching, I need you to be a rock back there.  Just like Scioscia.  He said "Get strong and lift weights to stop everything?"  I said "No, EAT!  It worked for one Mike, it'll work for another!"

(Everyone laughs)

Now, I'd like to say something to our Italian friends.

Tutti ci hanno detto che a volte dopo l'all-star break.  Che abbiamo fatto.  Bene, la Dodgers show, spazzare i cittadini, e nonostante Matt Kemp realizzare ha pagato per essere feriti, continuiamo a distruggere tutti!

What I said was, you know, this weekend, everyone thought the Dodgers would flame out.  All-Star game...some of you here might have thought we'd end this slide.  Well, outside of Kemp forgetting how to fucking - huh?  Oh, excuse me.  We got through all the jams...sweep the Nats, and we're only a half game or whatever out of first.  Where's the "natitude" - is it

(Crowd begins to murmur)

Uh...in conclusion, Chiedo scusa, bene gli Italiani. Per brindare alla fine atleticità e ai grandi Italiani!

(applause)

Debunking the Lunkheads

Halfway through the season, the Dodge are at .500.  It's as if the season hasn't happened.  Oh, it has...but you really had to follow them each and every day to see the tide lay flat, go low, and rise again.  If you didn't do that, and you were just looking at how LA is playing of late, you'd foolishly attribute this to the manager.  As a CBS Sports.com employee, you'd then be motivated to write tripe such as this:

"Dodgers' decision on Don Mattingly among first-half bests"

Of course, I could just post this article and we'd all have a laugh and return to the beer in front of us and enjoy life.  But to let this stand is to give acceptance of someone taking the uneasy task of writing about all big league teams, and in doing so, thinking they're right.  I know fuck-all about the Pirates...you notice I don't write about Pittsburgh's team.  Who'd have the time to KNOW about all teams?  

"It was mere weeks ago when Mattingly was so close to being fired that he was last seen at the end of a plank on a pirate ship. At least, that's pretty much what everyone wrote, said and thought. Now, the guy could wind up being NL Manager of the Year, and wouldn't that be something?"

How the shit would this happen?
1. The Dodgers win 40 games in a row.
2. I don't know...I'm at a loss.

As it stands, there are 6 teams in the NL with a better record than the Dodgers.  At this point last season, the Dodgers were 47-40.  So...Donny Mustache is doing better this year, I guess?  That makes sense when you consider last year we didn't have Gonzo, Puig, Greinke, Crawford, Hanley...should I go on? 

"Against NL West opponents, the Dodgers are 14-3 in their past 17 games. On June 22, they were a season-worst 9½ games out of first place. Sunday, they were 2½ back. That's a net gain of seven games in the standings in 22 days."

Funny, but it was the same man who managed the team at the start of the season...when the Dodgers were getting swept at home by San Diego and Arizona, looking like poop against the Giants.  What were Manager of the Year and his pal Ned doing during this start?

Being as stubborn as a toddler.

No one likes to be proven wrong.  It's inevitable in life, and certainly in a sport where you play 162 games...but home many times did Brandon League have to simply take a dump on the mound?  How many losses did he have to single-handedly create for Donny to pull the trigger for anyone else?!  How long did guys such as Cruz, who simply didn't have it anymore, remain in the line-up? 

When injuries started the season, and there were plenty, you got to see the REAL Donny manage.  He had to manage a real situation.  He turned to Ned, who simply brought the same old revolving door names from seasons past to LA.  No one was anticipating Justin Sellers to match Hanley's numbers...but you get neither the hitting nor fielding.  To watch things get worse showed the lack of action in this group.  I remember a Dusty Baker quote from his days with the Cubs.  They weren't winning (there's a shock).  Dusty said he just needed his starting pitching to be healthy.  He needed Prior and Wood to throw 180 pitches a game while he gnawed on toothpicks...then he'd be a good manager! 

"Even with Greinke missing several weeks earlier with a broken collarbone, Dodgers starters rank third in the majors with a 3.40 ERA."

Yes, Greinke has returned to form.  But if your starters are that good, how are you not winning games?
1. You can't score.
2. Your bullpen fucks up.

When the starter leaves a game for the Dodgers, that's when it gets interesting.  Donny (as I've written more times than I care to remember) learned from the mind of Joe Torre.  Joe had likely the finest closer in history in New York.  He had a DH.  So he sat on the bench...waited for his team to get the lead...and knew it was money in the bank.  If there were other bullpen pitchers in the game, they had to go by the 9th for you know who.

Watch a Dodger game (if Bud will let you find it) from the first half of the season: Late innings become The Donny Double Switch Show.  Players and positions move, Donny never confident that a relief pitcher can last more than an inning because no matter what, the ENTIRE LINE-UP WILL HIT THIS INNING...MARK SAID WE'RE GETTING HOT.

It has totally screwed us in games...and not just series like the Atlanta trip in May which was painful.  By continuing to double switch throughout the game, you're making it harder for yourself to continue line-up & bullpen if a close game arrives in the 9th or beyond.  Donny never seems to realize that, because of said switches, he has the pitcher's spot up AGAIN.  Well, better take that guy out and...gimme the guy off the bench who can't hit .200 - any of them.

If you say Donny isn't to blame for having no depth on the bench or minors, look at Ned, who is still operating most days in a McCourt haze.  The Nolasco trade stunned me because Ned was actually making a move.  What took him so long?!  Waiting to see if he should do a fire sale? 

It doesn't take a genius to know if a player isn't performing or is injured you need someone else in there...and if THAT player isn't working, you don't stick to your guns.  You get another fucking player.  Anyone...just try.  How the hell would you know if someone wouldn't work unless you tried it?

That short-sighted view (that so many old-time baseball fans and employees stick to) does no good when you're 9 games under .500 in June.  Instead, we saw minor deals, players mercifully sent down or cut, and our heads just at the horizon line. 

All this - Manager of the Year?!

That's (Expletive) Teamwork!

(Dodgers legend Tommy Lasorda stayed up after extra innings to relay his excitement.)

Way to go!  How do you like that?  We sweep Arizona, get back to .500, and we're just outside of first place.  And how did we do it on this road trip?  Fucking teamwork!  The starting pitching shows up (well, except when that lunkhead Capuano starts), we score with timely hitting, and clean up in our division!

First of all, I haven't written on this "blog" in a while, and was meaning to tell all you Dodger (and baseball fans) a Happy 4th of July.  We really live in the greatest country in the world!  Where else can I call up a friend in Denver and get the proper supplies to soak bratwurst in my award winning wine before grilling them the morning of the game?  I don't recommend doing that by the way.  The taste was a bit off, but you know my famous words: Never Waste Food.  Eating 6 of those, remorsefully, for lunch wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done.  In fact, I'm convinced that's why we lost that night.  That and the fact Capuano started.  Better yet, try grilling Italian Sausage, add the pasta of your choice, peas, a few cherry tomatoes and then add the wine at the end.

Huh?  Right, what was I saying?  There were a few reasons why we've landed in this spot.  It took us over 2 months just to get back to even!  I don't mind saying I'm a big reason why, but here are others:

That kid Nolasco came to LA, where he wants to play.  He's a solid started and he should take Capuano's place.  Unfortunately Stephen Fife is now injured with shoulder problems.  Those shoulder problems are unfortunately not due to pitching.  You know how it is with the young guys: you break em in to the major leagues.  I had him carry my cooler around San Francisco last weekend during that series.  There's plenty of good restaurants up there, but I always want to be comfortable on the road.  All I had in the cooler was a case of my award winning wine, prosciutto, provolone, peppered salami, and 2 loaves of bread.  If that's too much, well now he and I know.  He'd better rehab that shoulder to do the heavy lifting, capice?

Secondly, we're finally hitting the shit out of the ball.  I'm still not thrilled to have another outsider like Mark McSteroid on my team, but he always gave me a look when I'd correct his advice to our hitters.  And by correct, I mean I'd walk in to his office after lunch and let loose a few steamers.  He'd get back and knew it was me but never said anything.  You can imagine that, lately, I haven't had the need to resort to that old trick.

Third, in Arizona I paid a kid to wire our bullpen phone to my box.  Each night, Donny Mustache tried to send in Brandon League at different points, and all he'd get is me answering the phone.  "Tommy?  Sorry, guess this isn't working."  You know what happened next?  He just sat there.  So, once I'd see the need, I'd get on the phone and say "Gimmie whoever" and I don't mind telling you I made the right fucking moves.  Look at last night: guys stayed in until I took them out.  I bet Donny could see that relief pitchers can stay in longer than an inning...but he was probably consumed with trying to get gum out of a wrapper.

These are the facts: 4 at home with Colorado before the All-Star game.  We keep this up, we're at the top at the break.  I didn't see that coming.  It's like a waiter who gives you a free cannoli because he's impressed with your knowledge of risotto: you smile and eat it immediately.  You deserve those desserts!

Good News, Bad News, Sad News

ITEM - The Dodgers traded Matt Grrrrr...a guy very close to taking the Albuquerque train.  Never steady enough to be counted on or used regularly, we have one less trap for our confused manager to land.  This is a good thing!  YAY!

ITEM - In exchange, the Dodgers get another junk reliever, Carlos "I'm throwing this one down the middle of the plate as fast as I can and I bet you can't hit it oh wait you just did" Marmol.  Same problem, different name.  This is a bad thing.  BOOO!

The LA Times reported that Marmol might work out in Cameltoe er...Camelback Ranch or in Albuquerque before joining the team.  He's free to stay at either place by me.  I just wonder why we're paying for the guy.  If this recent strong play has taught us anything, it's that Skip Schumaker is most effective out of the bullpen, and worth the move.

ITEM - Luis Cruz refused to go to Albuquerque.  Free agency it is...never would have expected this at the start of the season, but I don't know what happened to the guy.  A pisser.  There's the possibility he could fool a team into signing him, along with that .127 average.  Wish you luck.

Off to Denver...who's up for a Coors? 

"Keep going. You're doing better."

(Long overdue for an update, we were able to connect with former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda during his morning workout.)

Shut the face, Doc.  I'm (breath) going as fast as I fucking can.  Whew.  How much more of this shit do I gotta do?  3 more?  All right - here's one for each win over the Giants!  1.....2...........3.  Oh my god.  OK...(breath)  Thanks, Doc.  See you tomorrow.

Honey, is he gone?  Good.  Did you bring that breakfast burrito in your bag?  Ah - perfect!  Put that Riunite on ice.  That's a good breakfast.  You saw how hard I was working in that pool.  (Takes large bite of burrito)  This guy's gotta realize I never stop working.  Whether it's baseball, eating, exercising, wine, managing or dining, I'm always giving it everything I got.

(Takes large bite of burrito)  I thought this was supposed to be at my pace.  He won't let me play my Dean Martin or Jerry Reed records while I'm working out...you have to bring in these foods.  Have you ever had an egg white omelet?  You have to fill that damn thing with so much stuff to taste good.

I'm always working, you know?  We go to New York to play the Yankees, and if we're not at my customary table at Rao's, I'm making deals trying to keep Donny Yankees in New York.  We almost had him, didn't we?  If that damn secretary hadn't made a wake-up call to his room "by mistake" he'd still be there.  Then I'd have Wallach running things.

We sure put the Giants in their place...outta first place!  Sweeping the Giants, 5 wins in a row...you think the Doc would let me off easy, but (takes long draw of Riunite).  Aw man.  Only time I can drink this stuff is when I'm really thirsty.  It's like mixing wine with 7 Up.  But (belch) - whoop.

Did you know Donny Yankees doesn't even know enough Spanish to talk to Puig?  Yasiel and I have conversations about Cuban food all the time.  I take him to Porto's in Burbank and Donny gives me a look.  Fuck you, Donny, he needs to be in the right fucking frame of mind.  Let him feel at home.  No question that (takes large bite of burrito) oh - got a big bite of salsa there.  (Yawn)  All right.  I'll get cleaned up and then we can head to the stadium.  Ugh.  I think I ate this kinda fast.  Is it that you're not supposed to eat before you swim?  Huh...

Bruin a winner

UCLA won their first national championship in baseball last night, bringing some good baseball news around here for a change.  It also gives us one reason of many to post a photograph such as this:

The Bruins run to the title was summarized quite often as either "small ball" or "timely hitting" or something like the following:

"The Bruins (49-17) once again rode their pitching, as they closed out the College World Series title having allowed only seven runs in their past eight games...[t]he UCLA offense actually did its part in this one as well. Entering the championship round, Bruins hitters were batting only .248 on the season and .182 in the College World Series..."

And YET they go the job done.  Announcers and writers (sometimes considered people) were bemoaning the fact that the current stadium is too big...not enough home runs.  OK, so that means you have to pitch and play D and not fuck up.  Your throws from the outfield have to be on target.  If no one is hitting home runs, it's more of a feat that you're able to put up 8 runs en route to the title.

Outside of the local coverage (scant at best), all the reports are on the lack of home runs.  "What happened to the home runs in the college world series?"  Was the question before that "What happened to the donut holes in the press box?" - we'll never know.  But it doesn't matter.  A Los Angeles baseball team continually found ways to win despite whatever problems might be in their way.  Dodgers owners, all 6 of you - paying attention?

The Postmortem

As Donnie Mustache attempted a clandestine escape to his car following a 5-4 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, a rogue reporter hopped a fence and finagled a brief exchange with the embattled skipper.  According to the cousin of the sister of the parking lot attendant present, it went down something like this:

• Reporter: Donnie, the team is 8.5 games back. Your closer has an ERA of 6. Can things get any worse for this team?
• Donnie: Nick Punto's put up his best slugging percentage in 3 years. What do you want?
• Reporter: Be that as it may, sir, the Dodgers have been outscored 32-14 in the 9th inning or later this season. Did you consider pulling League at any point tonight?
• Donnie:  Like I said, it was Brandon's inning. You start pulling the rug out from under your closer, what's that do for his confidence? And I can't have my 7th and 8th inning guys coveting a role that they've never filled before.  Have you seen Jansen close a full season? That's poppycock logic.
• Reporter: Dodgers GM Ned Colletti signed League to a 3-year, $21 million contract last winter.  Is there any truth to the rumors that you are contractually obligated to pitch him in the 9th?
• Donnie: I'm not contractually obligated to take a dump every morning, but I do. 11:23am. Every day. Unless I can't. Shit happens. Unless it doesn't.  Brandon League is my closer until he isn't.  
• Reporter:  What do you make of the team's offensive struggles in the clutch?
• Donnie: When you're missing Matt Kemp, Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez and AJ Ellis, you're going to feel it.  But good food takes time. We all want the pot roast, but the fans are just going to have to settle for the hot pocket right now.  Luis Cruz has been BABIP'd to death this year, but you watch....
•  Reporter:  Tommy Lasorda thinks this team's problems stem from chemistry. Do you have anything to say to that?
• Donnie:  Chemistry, huh?  Tommy need to lay off the Breaking Bad ... and the bread sticks.  You show me a test tube that's thrown a strike, that's turned a double play, that's pulled off a double steal, and I'll show you the manager's seat.  I'm a can-do guy; Tommy's a cannoli guy.  There's no bonding there.

As Donnie approached his 2010 Honda Odyssey, he discovered a photo on the dash with the note, "This Dodger Dog don't hunt no more." - Magic

I saw it with my own eyes

I was there at Dodger Stadium last night.  I saw the Snakes do their batting around Kershaw, yet K remained effective.  I saw Puig continue to get hits.  I saw first base umpire Clint Fagan call Jerry Hairston out when he was safe by at least a step.  The worst part of that horrific call?  The Dodgers did their usual fucking up, keeping the lead at 3-1 going into the ninth.

I knew something wrong was about to happen...and it wasn't the Cool-a-coo ice cream sandwich I was eating (an intriguing concoction of chocolate, ice cream, and sawdust)

Folks, I was sitting at Loge level when I began screaming.  Pleading.  Trying to get the attention of any usher I could find.  Short of running on to the field, I tried my best to prevent what was next. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you're attention please.  Now pitching for the Dodgers, Brandon League."

(Indifference.  You readers know what music should be played.  Take it, "Slim" Jim Koehler)
 
Miguel Montero struck out.  (I've seen that start before.  By the way, the scoreboard implored the lemmings to "Get Loud" after that strike out.  The suggestion was ignored.)

Martin Prado gets a single.  (I know what happens next)

Gerardo Parra gets a double, Prado to 3rd.  (This is where the "Al-bu-quer-que" chant began, and I swear I had two sections of the Loge level joining me...the rest were laughing.  Laughing at someone who we all knew was going to fail.)

Jason Kubel hits a ball toward the middle.  It's knocked down.  Prado scores.  Parra to 3rd, Kubel safe at first.

"Chat-a-nooo-ga"  (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (A woman sitting behind us says that's "cruel but accurate.")

Someone named Didi Gregorius gets a walk to load em up. 

"COO-CA-MUN-GA" (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (The woman behind us says "It's like we're the Cubs."  I tell her I was a Cubs fan until I had to end that bad relationship.  Pause.  "Then this is all your fault.")

A.J. Pollock pops out to Ellis.  (Dear God, 2 outs...if this wasn't League...)

Willie Bloomquist gets an infield single where TWO RUNS SCORE?!

(I haven't seen 2 runs score on an infield single since watching my sister's 4th grade softball team struggle through a win-less season.)

Peter Moylan comes in to give up another of League's runners while Brandon is told he should just give it up.  The Dodgers, once up 3-1, are now down 5-3.  

Brandon's ERA is now

6

(We all just shake our heads)

The Bottom of the 9th saw the Dodgers get within a run and have runners at the corners with no one out.  No one came close to scoring.  We slowly leave the stadium having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Folks if there is a game to encapsulate the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers season, it's this one.  It has it all:

• Injuries
• Effective starting pitching pulled at random
• Double switches, a Donny Yankees favorite
• Minimal runs but a lot of hits
• Brandon League getting diarrhea on the mound in the 9th
• The Dodgers just missing a win, losing to a team they should beat
• Out-managed again

I'm out of a voice today, but it was for a good cause: I was warning those around me of impending doom, yet was powerless to stop it.  Brandon League sucks, and I hope Ned remembers that every 2 weeks when that jumbo check is handed to #31.

You can't keep a big man away from the table

You know who's still playing?  Not only playing, but playing well?

Bartolo "Muy Caliente" Colon!

"I'm working more than last year; I'm still fat but that don't mean nothing," Colon said through an interpreter.

Now, there might be a report due out soon that says "Muy Caliente" might have used an illegal substance while playing.  That substance might have been Frank's Red Hot Sauce, Bud.  You ever heard of that?

When asked before last night's game about the possible news leak, knowing that "Muy Caliente" has already served a 50 game suspension for his transgressions, he said

"I don't like to hear news."

Unless that news is "All you can eat hot wing night."

Check out the baseball stats from Engelberg over here: 7-2, 3.12 ERA.  You haven't pitched that well since your days in Montreal, Bartolo, and we can only imagine your enjoyment of all Quebec's fine French cuisine.  Mas jamon in that crepe, I would guess.

Don't let em get you down, Bartolo.  Give all of your all.

Questions not exactly answered

The Dodge leave the Mile High city in the same spot as before (the dumper), with not much positive realized.  Yasiel Puig comes up today to start a homestand (the timing is no mistake) with some minor league changes.

Matt Magill is sent back to Albuquerque...had a rough go of the games he started (way too many spot starts, Ned), and getting shelled on Sunday didn't help his cause.  No hard feelings...so it goes...

Chris Capuano, who should be in Albuquerque, is not pitching for now.  Good news!  Stephen Fife returns...which we really hope is good news, too.

But will these moves make a difference?  It's the sum of the parts we're talking about here...and each game this weekend showed the problems.

Problem 1: Brandon League is garbage.

Friday night's game was in the can...up by 2 going to the bottom of the ninth.  No Donny - don't call--NO!

Shit.  Well, let's recant Brandon's bottom of the 9th performance with some music.  Take it away "Slim" Jim Koehler!


League strikes out Arenado.  (Holy shit!)
LeMahieu gets a single.  (Uh oh...here comes Todd Helton)
Wild pitch, LeMahieu to 2nd.  (Of course)
TODD HELTON 2-RUN HOME RUN.  Brandon, you are incapable of doing your job.
Young grounds out.  (Too late)
Fowler lines out.  (Doesn't matter)

I can't think of more fitting music for such a typical performance.  But even more fitting is this headline from cbssports.com:

"Dodgers still confident in Brandon League."

WHY? 

Problem 2: I don't know what happened to Zack Grienke post-injury.

I wouldn't be surprised if he too is still injured, but he looks god-awful.  Lucky for him he didn't get the loss, but it's 4+ runs on each of his last 3 starts.  I'd scratch Zack from his next start if we had anyone healthy...he tends to pitch better at home, but if the choice is "good" or "shit" I don't like that coin flip.

Problem 3: The Dodgers released a guy from Albuquerque who was hitting .339.

Don't know him...don't know the situation.  But read that sentence again.  Makes sense, doesn't it?

Just spinning the tires in the mud...wake me when it's over.