Shall we measure for length, or width?

I guess she's about even then.

I think I see the problem here, White Sox

Well, this man right here is your catcher.


So, honey wings, orrrrrrrrrrr?

¡Un festival para todos!

(We now take you live to the legendary El Compadre in Hollywood for this urgent update)


Hey Fernando, how about this? If the mariachis will allow me, I'm going to do their take on "The Godfather." That all right by you?

Haha! Eso esta bien por mi, el brinco.

You know, for the past month, you've heard a lot of junk about our team. After the all star game we had a kind of fade going on. It was like getting Steve Sax to figure out how to put fucking bologna on a piece of bread. And there's Jim Tracy, a former Dodger manager...got respect for him. But you all know they couldn't catch us. Speaking of Tracy, his old team, sad sack Pirates came in and we swept them. That's what we do.

Eso segundo juego fue cercano.

Yeah, I know. But you can't possibly think I gave them a fucking chance, do you? You'd be bored too, especially when you gotta play the fucking Pirates when you know where you're going.

La serie grande esta fin de semana.

It always is when the Giants come to town...and we'd better be pumped. I know our energy level will be up for those guys. Then, it's back to playing the pits of the world before the end of the season. Just how it is...hell, I remember one time in 1985...all those fucking Reds thought they had the division, and we took it. Same kind of shit. Hey, here's our waiter! This looks great! Yeah, two more flaming margaritas.

Comamos!

OK, time for lunch...you guys leave me alone. You know how important food is to me. Boys, get out there and make it happen!

Well, that will about do it

Just like 2008, which was also just like 2005, the maddening inconsistency of the Twins will do them in again this year. We had a brief uptick in potential these past two weeks. That ended with Mr. Nathan turning around and watching two pigs go over the wall. That they followed it up with a horrible dog-piss game against Cleveland, who does not employee a single player who should be above AAA, is not a surprise. All season this has been a team held together by duct tape and Joe Mauer. And now it's all coming undone.

There is not just one thing that is wrong with this team, there are many. It's only because of the utter horseshit-ness of the White Sox and Tigers that the Twins were able to compete for this long... their season should have been over in mid-July. Here are a list of reasons I see for the Twins failures this year.

1. Carlos Gomez - Fun To Watch, Awful At Playing Baseball

Wow, this is a man who does not understand how to put the ball in play when there is a runner on third. Or how to throw the ball back into the infield when it has been hit to him. Or how to ever take a walk, ever. Yes, he can jump really high and chase down fly balls. But when it comes to simple baseball things, I expect failure every single time.

2. Alexi Casilla Tries To Hit A Homerun At Every At-Bat

He is 5'5", and yet he thinks he is Bonds. Maybe you should take Lou Brown's advice, and be hittin' em on the ground and leggin' em out.

3. Michael Cuddyer Is Only Able To Hit Homeruns When There Is No Pressure

Dickfer and I talked about this awhile ago. If the score is 4-0, two outs in the inning, bases empty, Cuddyer coming up? GUARANTEED HOME RUN. It's gone. Book it. But a tie game, man on third, one out? GUESS WHO LIKES TO SWING AT SLIDERS?

4. Delmon Young Hits Well For A Two Week Period Each Year, And It's Always When Everyone Else Is Hitting Well, So It Doesn't Matter

Seriously. Contribute. It's not that hard. Just hit the ball. Sometimes.

5. Yet Another Year With Nick Punto

He is so incredibly awful at the sport of baseball, that it boggles the mind. In 2007, he had one of the 10 worst statistical seasons in major league history. Honestly. Look it up. Only a few other players, IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, WHICH NEARLY STRETCHES BACK TO THE CIVIL WAR, have had a worse season. Well, he's still at it. Still sucking horribly.

6. The Starters

Let's just go ahead and run down that list.... Armando Gabino looked like he literally urinated himself before he took the mound. Brian Duensing likes to give up "well hit balls". Nick Blackburn went like 4 starts in a row where he didn't get to the THIRD FUCK INNING. Glen Perkins started to suck, so he made up an injury in his shoulder. Liriano just plain started to suck, so was classified with "dead arm", which of course is just cover for saying "sucks at pitching now". Slowey took a shot off the wrist, so it's not his fault. And Swarzak? Holy mother of god. Not since Silva's horseshit season have we seen it this bad. HERE COMES A FASTBALL WITH NO MOVEMENT, MAYBE IT WILL BE HIT AT SOMEONE.

7. The Bullpen

I won't even go into it. Honestly, it's not good for me. Just read any of the posts at all during this season, and you'll see what I have to say about that.

---------------------------------------

So that's that, then. There were many other problems, most of which revolved around the central idea that this team could never consistently score runners in scoring position, they could never put together 4-5 good games in a row (until last week, when it was too late), and the starting pitching was literally a spin of the bullet chamber each time. I said it in July, they don't deserve to win the division, and now, thank god, they won't.

All I ask each and every year is please, oh please, be better than the White Sox. They are a model of how a franchise is not supposed to be run. And yet this year, with all of their horse's ass moves (seriously, did they just go get ALEX RIOS? He likes striking out more than he likes breathing. It's almost as bad as Griffey last year. Almost.) they still have a shot at beating the Twins. That mostly makes me mad, but it's also the logical conclusion of every failure of this current team. So, in that way, it makes sense. In fact, teams like Cleveland should be ahead of the Twins (and still have an outside chance to do just that) because at least they traded the fat non-effort-givers on their team and now have guys who can hit the baseball when it counts.

Greetings

Hi there.

I've pitched in two games so far. I have two wins. I've also likely murdered human beings.

At least my name isn't Manship.

Wow, I hate Matt Guerrier

But we all knew that.

He is human garbage.

White Sox 8th

Jose Mijares pitching:
Scott Podsednik: Ball, Ball, Ball, Podsednik walked.
Matt Guerrier relieved Jose Mijares.
Gordon Beckham: Beckham homered to left, Podsednik scored.