Good News, Bad News, Sad News

ITEM - The Dodgers traded Matt Grrrrr...a guy very close to taking the Albuquerque train.  Never steady enough to be counted on or used regularly, we have one less trap for our confused manager to land.  This is a good thing!  YAY!

ITEM - In exchange, the Dodgers get another junk reliever, Carlos "I'm throwing this one down the middle of the plate as fast as I can and I bet you can't hit it oh wait you just did" Marmol.  Same problem, different name.  This is a bad thing.  BOOO!

The LA Times reported that Marmol might work out in Cameltoe er...Camelback Ranch or in Albuquerque before joining the team.  He's free to stay at either place by me.  I just wonder why we're paying for the guy.  If this recent strong play has taught us anything, it's that Skip Schumaker is most effective out of the bullpen, and worth the move.

ITEM - Luis Cruz refused to go to Albuquerque.  Free agency it is...never would have expected this at the start of the season, but I don't know what happened to the guy.  A pisser.  There's the possibility he could fool a team into signing him, along with that .127 average.  Wish you luck.

Off to Denver...who's up for a Coors? 

About 20 cents shy of a quarter

Sure, it's been bare bones on ye olde blog here for the month of April. But that's only because the mercury has only sniffed 60 in a handful of days and that makes me think it's still March. Oh, sure Alexi Casilla couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat (BEVACQUA GO!) but don't worry, he'll get it in gear by the time the season star- what? Oh hell, this isn't good.

Here's a few of the Twins' problems so far this season:

1. HITTING THE BASEBALL

Throughout history (History = Since 2001), the Twins have an almost-perfect record of picking up a "Grey Beard" for one season of glory and then watching them ride away after their apex. The prime example of this is, of course, Old Grey Beard, Mr. Terry Mulholland himself. And last year, Mr. Jim Thome was exactly that, a resurrected old salt dog who could knock the ball to the Crystal Court and not blink an eye. His turnaround of the Matt Thornton fastball was THE defining White Sox fail moment of the season. This year? Well, that .375 slugging percentage ain't exactly what it used to be. In fact, it's the lowest that it has been in a non-injury year since 1992. THAT'S THE YEAR THE CHRONIC CAME OUT ON COMPACT DISC.

But Bigg Jim ain't the only one to blame here. Casilla's hitting a buck ninety. Joe Mauer is out because his legs are weak. His replacement, Drew Butera, might set the all-time MLB record for Biggest Dropoff Between Starter And Backup. Drew is hitting .106 with an OPS of .309. AN OPS OF .309! When was the last time Joe Mauer even had an ON BASE percentage lower than that? N.E.V.E.R. Oh father christmas, someone heal them legs.

2. PITCHING THE BASEBALL

I don't trust these kids. I just don't. Jokers like Slowey, Blackburn and Baker, they just don't have it. And you can run every number, and give me every projection in the universe, and I'll still tell you what I see when they pitch: little pants-pissers that try too hard and end up giving up big leads against bad teams. Baker's been here a long time, and he's been OK, but I never trusted him.

And then there's Liriano. HE IS THE BEST PITCHER THAT HAS EVER PITCHED AND I HAVE ALWAYS RESPECTED HIM NO MATTER WHAT.  IF ANYONE EVER SAYS ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HIM, THEY ARE JUST WRONG.


3. NOT GETTING INJURED

So apparently they don't break up double plays in Japan? Oh, that's great, thanks for telling him about that in spring training, guys. Delmon and Joe are out for awhile. Morneau is hitting .225 in his return from The Concussion. Again, spring training ended a month ago.

And finally, here's a nifty little graph that is posted on Baseball Reference:

Notice how they only run the data to 10 runs.  The Twins have "buried the speedometer" in 3 games so far.  Look at all that red.  I see one convincing victory in there, and a bunch of squeak-bys.  It seems like every other loss is a monster one.

Like Tommy would say, time to get it in gear.  The Indians' dance is going to end soon, and Kansas City likes to wet themselves, but let's get this thing at least going in the right direction.

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Oh, and Matt Grrrr?  Take a look to the right sidebar at the tag cloud.  Look in the Ms.  That tells you all you need to know.

Well, that will about do it

Just like 2008, which was also just like 2005, the maddening inconsistency of the Twins will do them in again this year. We had a brief uptick in potential these past two weeks. That ended with Mr. Nathan turning around and watching two pigs go over the wall. That they followed it up with a horrible dog-piss game against Cleveland, who does not employee a single player who should be above AAA, is not a surprise. All season this has been a team held together by duct tape and Joe Mauer. And now it's all coming undone.

There is not just one thing that is wrong with this team, there are many. It's only because of the utter horseshit-ness of the White Sox and Tigers that the Twins were able to compete for this long... their season should have been over in mid-July. Here are a list of reasons I see for the Twins failures this year.

1. Carlos Gomez - Fun To Watch, Awful At Playing Baseball

Wow, this is a man who does not understand how to put the ball in play when there is a runner on third. Or how to throw the ball back into the infield when it has been hit to him. Or how to ever take a walk, ever. Yes, he can jump really high and chase down fly balls. But when it comes to simple baseball things, I expect failure every single time.

2. Alexi Casilla Tries To Hit A Homerun At Every At-Bat

He is 5'5", and yet he thinks he is Bonds. Maybe you should take Lou Brown's advice, and be hittin' em on the ground and leggin' em out.

3. Michael Cuddyer Is Only Able To Hit Homeruns When There Is No Pressure

Dickfer and I talked about this awhile ago. If the score is 4-0, two outs in the inning, bases empty, Cuddyer coming up? GUARANTEED HOME RUN. It's gone. Book it. But a tie game, man on third, one out? GUESS WHO LIKES TO SWING AT SLIDERS?

4. Delmon Young Hits Well For A Two Week Period Each Year, And It's Always When Everyone Else Is Hitting Well, So It Doesn't Matter

Seriously. Contribute. It's not that hard. Just hit the ball. Sometimes.

5. Yet Another Year With Nick Punto

He is so incredibly awful at the sport of baseball, that it boggles the mind. In 2007, he had one of the 10 worst statistical seasons in major league history. Honestly. Look it up. Only a few other players, IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, WHICH NEARLY STRETCHES BACK TO THE CIVIL WAR, have had a worse season. Well, he's still at it. Still sucking horribly.

6. The Starters

Let's just go ahead and run down that list.... Armando Gabino looked like he literally urinated himself before he took the mound. Brian Duensing likes to give up "well hit balls". Nick Blackburn went like 4 starts in a row where he didn't get to the THIRD FUCK INNING. Glen Perkins started to suck, so he made up an injury in his shoulder. Liriano just plain started to suck, so was classified with "dead arm", which of course is just cover for saying "sucks at pitching now". Slowey took a shot off the wrist, so it's not his fault. And Swarzak? Holy mother of god. Not since Silva's horseshit season have we seen it this bad. HERE COMES A FASTBALL WITH NO MOVEMENT, MAYBE IT WILL BE HIT AT SOMEONE.

7. The Bullpen

I won't even go into it. Honestly, it's not good for me. Just read any of the posts at all during this season, and you'll see what I have to say about that.

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So that's that, then. There were many other problems, most of which revolved around the central idea that this team could never consistently score runners in scoring position, they could never put together 4-5 good games in a row (until last week, when it was too late), and the starting pitching was literally a spin of the bullet chamber each time. I said it in July, they don't deserve to win the division, and now, thank god, they won't.

All I ask each and every year is please, oh please, be better than the White Sox. They are a model of how a franchise is not supposed to be run. And yet this year, with all of their horse's ass moves (seriously, did they just go get ALEX RIOS? He likes striking out more than he likes breathing. It's almost as bad as Griffey last year. Almost.) they still have a shot at beating the Twins. That mostly makes me mad, but it's also the logical conclusion of every failure of this current team. So, in that way, it makes sense. In fact, teams like Cleveland should be ahead of the Twins (and still have an outside chance to do just that) because at least they traded the fat non-effort-givers on their team and now have guys who can hit the baseball when it counts.

Wow, I hate Matt Guerrier

But we all knew that.

He is human garbage.

White Sox 8th

Jose Mijares pitching:
Scott Podsednik: Ball, Ball, Ball, Podsednik walked.
Matt Guerrier relieved Jose Mijares.
Gordon Beckham: Beckham homered to left, Podsednik scored.

Twins, doing what they do so well

What happens when you get 14 hits and two walks, only to score 4 runs?

YOU LOSE LIKE THE LOSERS THAT YOU ARE

Nice to see Joe Mauer back. Now we'll have someone on base for when Cuddyer and Delmon Young softly tap to the second baseman.

Oh, and did I see Carlos Gomez still playing major league baseball? I thought he'd be in AA ball by now. He deserves to be playing softball down at the rec center. Although that ball breaks a bit, so maybe not. Do they have tee ball in Fort Myers?

The score after 6 innings was 3-3

And then...

Jesse Crain got one out.

And he gave up 4 earned runs. He walked 3 batters. And gave up 2 hits.

Then Matt Guerrier. He got 4 outs!

He also gave up 2 hits, and one earned run.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOME!

Well done, shitheads!

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Then something happened in the 8th.

Say it with me....

Matt Guerrier.

I'm sorry. I meant to say "Human Waste".

"Life Failer"

"Garbage"

"Matt Guerrier is horseshit"

Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

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Hey, WOAH I posted too soon.

Let's see that inning in its entirety:

Millar homered to left, Wells, Lind and Rolen scored.
R.A. Dickey relieved Craig A. Breslow.
Rolen walked, Lind to second.
Wells to third on wild pitch.
Lind walked.
Hill scored, Wells to second on wild pitch.
Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

HOLY CHRIST. THE BULLPEN HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BAD, INCLUDING WHEN RON DAVIS WAS THE CLOSER.

Seriously, I can't even comprehend this. The Blue Jays are perfectly good team, but not good enough to beat the Twins' ass like this every night. That is 7 runs (and counting) in the seventh inning.

I don't know the solution. I just know garbage when I see it. And Breslow, Crain, Guerrier and Dickey are ALL FUCKING GARBAGE.

Update: Barajas doubled to center. Dickey still in there.

I would live-blog these games, but it would make me throw up.