One Down, Two to Go!

(Former Dodgers manager and famous eater Tommy Lasorda was caught in a break of his post-game celebratory meal where he answered a few questions.)

So I finished that "personal size" pizza, but if that's all you got, I'm gonna need two more.  Huh?  These are medium?  Whatever.  Ah - extra Italian sausage!  Perfecto!

I'm about to...can I get another glass of my award-winning wine?  Thanks, Dave.  I can't begin to eat pizza #2 unless we have some wine here.  People talk about me and talk pasta, but I love pizza, too.  It's a great "on-the-go" meal.  Sometimes I'm eating Sicilian Sausage sandwiches, and next thing you know, the bread slips, and it's a huge mess.  Remember what I always tell you: Never Waste Food.  If someone's about to toss about a wedge of garlic bread, pizza crust, half bottle of vinaigrette, or Hostess Baseball, I'm right in their face!  Then that food goes into my face.

I've got to start quick, where's the wine?  Uribe is one of my heroes from our first round victory over the Braves!  Crawford is as well, and don't forget about K.  Kershaw and Koufax.  They are the bookends of this franchise.  Hershiser is the bookmark.  But Uribe, once he sees this pizza, I'm screwed.  He might match me in pounds, but he's got decades on me.

Los Angeles can be a tough place to find decent pizza.  This is a burger town, as you know.  It's tough when I'd be on my way home from a game, and all the Italian restaurants are closed.  The open pizza places serve that "New York" style that's like sauce on a paper towel.  I once ate a New York style pizza in one sitting and then turned to Jerry Reuss and said "where are we going for dinner?"  That frustration lead me to one of my famous endorsements: Chicago Brothers frozen pizza.


My brothers have a restaurant back east, too.  You can get the Lasorda family special - 5 pounds of pasta in a big - ah there's the wine!

The fruits of victory!  There's nothing like it.  Hey Juan...you oughtta try some fruit one of these (belch) whoop.  OK, time to eat.  Move it.

After all the ups and downs...

...the Dodgers win the division!  Let's go into the locker room to see the celebration and--

"I tell ya - this fu-- whoop...this team started out so shi--  uh...so bad, it took a lot of work.  I had a lot of conversations with em all, you know.  Had to drive some guys to New Mexico, but we got hot...Big D, we're the best of the West!"

That's fantastic, Tommy.  I know you're excited.  Any--

"Caravan is heading west.  We're gonna be in San Diego, party tonight at Salvatore's Cucina, got the pope table, and my wines will be there.  I love it!  Yankees, go get me a drink!"

You're talking to Dodgers mana-

"And another thing!  If you don't like the fact that we jumped in the Diamondbacks' pool...tough nuts!"  

"All right, boys, get together for a picture!"

We're Like a Machine

(With one month to go, former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda reviewed the team's status)

Isn't this a fun picture?  This is R2D2 from Star Wars.  He's a robot, and he does things automatically.  In the future this movie says giant monsters will fly rocket ships.  That's almost as unbelievable as our August record!  23-6, and just like this robot, we seem to win automatically!  You might not think sweeping the Padres at home would be that difficult, but you try to do something boring for a whole weekend and come out on top!

There were moments we were down and whatever, but I knew we had it in the bag.  So, the team had me walk around with this robot and it's making all sorts of beeping sounds...making people laugh.  I say "What is this shit, D2?  Do you talk?"  It let out a long, low noise which made everyone laugh again.  I told em when I make a long, low noise, people just run for cover!

All right, 1 month to go, let's do a rundown:

• We added Michael Young to play 3rd.  Thank god...and notice how Uribe got hot after the trade.  Juan just needs way too much motivation.  Did you know one game last season I covered his chair in BBQ sauce?  He ended up trying to eat it.  Fucking...(belch) oh boy.  
• Just to prove that Ned still doesn't know his mustache from dog dung, he signs Edinson Volquez as a 6th starter.  With Cap finally pitching better (only took him 4 fucking months) we now know the weak link in our rotation.  It's September, an expanded roster, and we bring back Fife.  Then we get this junk?!  Boggles the mind.  Hey, if I found $10 on the carpet, would I go back to the store for more vegetables?  Of course not.
• Puig is day to day...so you move Ethier back to right, Schumaker (I guess) in center, Crawford in left.  Season to taste.
• I like the infield of Gonzo at first, Ellis at 2nd, Han Ram at short, and Young at 3rd.  Now watch Donny Mustache fuck it up.
• A.J. Ellis is a rock at catcher.  The back-ups now include Drew Butera.  You read that right.  What, the kid who played Engleberg in The Bad News Bears wasn't free?

Boy...getting hot outside.  Dave, you got that pitcher of Sangria ready?  

Clearing the Table

(Toward the end of dinner, baseball legend and famous eater Tommy Lasorda began to discuss the Dodgers recent good fortune, including sweeping Tampa Bay)

The guy was playing the piano, but the singer was always standing by him, she didn't work the room.  Turns out, the guy on the piano had the singer feed him ravioli as he played.  Never seen that before.  First time I was in Palm Springs, too.

Sure, I'm ready for desert.  What do we have?  Uh huh.  OK...sure, might as well bring it all out.  You know, we were at Trattoria Marcella in St. Louis and I told all those windbag writers that this week was the measuring stick.  Remember how I told you that you can tell a lot about a restaurant by smelling the garlic bread?  Well, the same with this past week.  4 at St. Louis, seems like they'll be in the playoffs...and 3 at home against Tampa Bay.  They were in first.  But 6-1?  Sweeping the Rays?  I'll tell you where we measure on the breadstick - right at the top!

When I was at the game Friday night, and we're down 6 to nothing, I did what I could to get the team on track.  I gave some base-running signals to Wallach, and I told our chef Dave Pearson to get me my lucky fork.  I don't use this very often, but this was a big series!  So he gets it out, cleans the dried tomato off the handle, and has an open-face prosciutto and buffalo mozzarella sandwich delivered to my seat.  I tell ya - this was the first time in the game I was nervous.  I'd never brought the fork outside the dining room.  Then, as I'm eating, Magic Johnson sees it and he's all smiles.  "Wow, Tommy!  That looks delicious!  Are you finished?  I'd love to eat the rest if you're done.  You know, one time Pat Riley--"  I told him to can it.  I'm eating, and more importantly, I'm eating to help the team!  You all saw what happened.  I finished that sandwich in the blink of an eye.  And we won, too.

Then, on Sunday (belch) whoop.  Whew...that one...OK, Dave, that desert coming?  Yeah, let's start with the molasses cookies.  MMMM...no, I don't need milk, but you can open another of my award winning wines.  Goes good with everything, especially winning!  Ah, butter pecan ice cream!  Wonderful...do you have whipped cream for those strawberries?  I thought so.

Oh, Canada!

(Former Dodgers manager and Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame member Tommy Lasorda shared a picture from the museum's collection while reflecting on the Dodgers play in Toronto)

I thought you'd like this old picture of me from Canada!  That's when I was playing for the Montreal Royals.  At the time of this picture, I had just accepted a challenge to eat 100 pieces of calamari.  I didn't even win!  Hard to believe knowing my reputation now, but at the time I didn't have the physique.  Look at me: I was an athlete!

Beyond those days, I haven't had a better time in Canada beyond this series against the Blue Jays.  After blowing em out Monday night, we come back Tuesday and Wednesday to win!  Our 10th road win in a row - an LA record!  Now, you might expect this from a 1st place club like the Dodgers, particularly against a junk team like Toronto.  But remember what I always say, except for a buffet, nothing comes easy.  It's the sign of a winner to play to the last pitch!

Now that I think about it...I think this week's series ties for my favorite time in Canada.  My other favorite time was at the start of the 1982 season.  I think it was May or so, but we were in Montreal playing the Expos.  Welch was on the mound, and we were in control.  I had a lot of old friends visiting me from the days of the picture above, so it was a great trip.  Anyway, Welch is in a groove so I get the clubhouse guy's attention.  I tell him of a nearby place that has good ham and croissant sandwiches and stuff, so I give him some cash.  I thought I'd remembered to exchange money, but I gave him a $20 U.S.!  Well, he comes back with 2 grocery bags full of food!  I totally forgot.  Well, before the word got out I took down the 1st bag.  2nd was harder, but Nando helped - he needed his strength because he was pitching in a couple days.  Shit, to think there was a time when $20 would buy me enough food to fill me up.

(Yawns)  Excuse me.  Still tired from that night flight last night.  What's in the fridge?

Il comandante parla

(Baseball legend and famous Italian Tommy Lasorda spoke Sunday night in Washington DC at the Italian Consulate, concurrent with the Dodgers playing the Nationals )

Thank you very much!  I have to say it's always a great pleasure to speak in front of so many great Italians, knowing all you do for us in America.  But anytime I'm in Washington DC, I always have to say a famous quote from this town, and if you don't mind a little Italian...

"Ora, io sono in controllo!"

(Everyone laughs)

You know, I've been in town all weekend with the Dodgers in town before speaking to you tonight.  And it's funny, after last season, I thought for sure this town would be fully behind the Nationals, but it's still a Skins town, huh?  Well, it has to be...because this morning I ran in to some residents from this town on my way to lunch.  They said "Wow, Tommy Lasorda, great to meet you!  I wish, if we ever got a team, you'd be a part of it."  And I said hey - you do have a team right now.  And the guy says back to me "I know."

(chuckles)

You know, I've coached a lot of great Italians over the years.  I insisted we draft, and I managed, Mike Piazza.  By the time he made the bigs he said to me "Tommy, I'm indebted to you.  What advice can you give me?"  I said kid, if you're catching, I need you to be a rock back there.  Just like Scioscia.  He said "Get strong and lift weights to stop everything?"  I said "No, EAT!  It worked for one Mike, it'll work for another!"

(Everyone laughs)

Now, I'd like to say something to our Italian friends.

Tutti ci hanno detto che a volte dopo l'all-star break.  Che abbiamo fatto.  Bene, la Dodgers show, spazzare i cittadini, e nonostante Matt Kemp realizzare ha pagato per essere feriti, continuiamo a distruggere tutti!

What I said was, you know, this weekend, everyone thought the Dodgers would flame out.  All-Star game...some of you here might have thought we'd end this slide.  Well, outside of Kemp forgetting how to fucking - huh?  Oh, excuse me.  We got through all the jams...sweep the Nats, and we're only a half game or whatever out of first.  Where's the "natitude" - is it

(Crowd begins to murmur)

Uh...in conclusion, Chiedo scusa, bene gli Italiani. Per brindare alla fine atleticità e ai grandi Italiani!

(applause)

That's (Expletive) Teamwork!

(Dodgers legend Tommy Lasorda stayed up after extra innings to relay his excitement.)

Way to go!  How do you like that?  We sweep Arizona, get back to .500, and we're just outside of first place.  And how did we do it on this road trip?  Fucking teamwork!  The starting pitching shows up (well, except when that lunkhead Capuano starts), we score with timely hitting, and clean up in our division!

First of all, I haven't written on this "blog" in a while, and was meaning to tell all you Dodger (and baseball fans) a Happy 4th of July.  We really live in the greatest country in the world!  Where else can I call up a friend in Denver and get the proper supplies to soak bratwurst in my award winning wine before grilling them the morning of the game?  I don't recommend doing that by the way.  The taste was a bit off, but you know my famous words: Never Waste Food.  Eating 6 of those, remorsefully, for lunch wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done.  In fact, I'm convinced that's why we lost that night.  That and the fact Capuano started.  Better yet, try grilling Italian Sausage, add the pasta of your choice, peas, a few cherry tomatoes and then add the wine at the end.

Huh?  Right, what was I saying?  There were a few reasons why we've landed in this spot.  It took us over 2 months just to get back to even!  I don't mind saying I'm a big reason why, but here are others:

That kid Nolasco came to LA, where he wants to play.  He's a solid started and he should take Capuano's place.  Unfortunately Stephen Fife is now injured with shoulder problems.  Those shoulder problems are unfortunately not due to pitching.  You know how it is with the young guys: you break em in to the major leagues.  I had him carry my cooler around San Francisco last weekend during that series.  There's plenty of good restaurants up there, but I always want to be comfortable on the road.  All I had in the cooler was a case of my award winning wine, prosciutto, provolone, peppered salami, and 2 loaves of bread.  If that's too much, well now he and I know.  He'd better rehab that shoulder to do the heavy lifting, capice?

Secondly, we're finally hitting the shit out of the ball.  I'm still not thrilled to have another outsider like Mark McSteroid on my team, but he always gave me a look when I'd correct his advice to our hitters.  And by correct, I mean I'd walk in to his office after lunch and let loose a few steamers.  He'd get back and knew it was me but never said anything.  You can imagine that, lately, I haven't had the need to resort to that old trick.

Third, in Arizona I paid a kid to wire our bullpen phone to my box.  Each night, Donny Mustache tried to send in Brandon League at different points, and all he'd get is me answering the phone.  "Tommy?  Sorry, guess this isn't working."  You know what happened next?  He just sat there.  So, once I'd see the need, I'd get on the phone and say "Gimmie whoever" and I don't mind telling you I made the right fucking moves.  Look at last night: guys stayed in until I took them out.  I bet Donny could see that relief pitchers can stay in longer than an inning...but he was probably consumed with trying to get gum out of a wrapper.

These are the facts: 4 at home with Colorado before the All-Star game.  We keep this up, we're at the top at the break.  I didn't see that coming.  It's like a waiter who gives you a free cannoli because he's impressed with your knowledge of risotto: you smile and eat it immediately.  You deserve those desserts!

"Keep going. You're doing better."

(Long overdue for an update, we were able to connect with former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda during his morning workout.)

Shut the face, Doc.  I'm (breath) going as fast as I fucking can.  Whew.  How much more of this shit do I gotta do?  3 more?  All right - here's one for each win over the Giants!  1.....2...........3.  Oh my god.  OK...(breath)  Thanks, Doc.  See you tomorrow.

Honey, is he gone?  Good.  Did you bring that breakfast burrito in your bag?  Ah - perfect!  Put that Riunite on ice.  That's a good breakfast.  You saw how hard I was working in that pool.  (Takes large bite of burrito)  This guy's gotta realize I never stop working.  Whether it's baseball, eating, exercising, wine, managing or dining, I'm always giving it everything I got.

(Takes large bite of burrito)  I thought this was supposed to be at my pace.  He won't let me play my Dean Martin or Jerry Reed records while I'm working out...you have to bring in these foods.  Have you ever had an egg white omelet?  You have to fill that damn thing with so much stuff to taste good.

I'm always working, you know?  We go to New York to play the Yankees, and if we're not at my customary table at Rao's, I'm making deals trying to keep Donny Yankees in New York.  We almost had him, didn't we?  If that damn secretary hadn't made a wake-up call to his room "by mistake" he'd still be there.  Then I'd have Wallach running things.

We sure put the Giants in their place...outta first place!  Sweeping the Giants, 5 wins in a row...you think the Doc would let me off easy, but (takes long draw of Riunite).  Aw man.  Only time I can drink this stuff is when I'm really thirsty.  It's like mixing wine with 7 Up.  But (belch) - whoop.

Did you know Donny Yankees doesn't even know enough Spanish to talk to Puig?  Yasiel and I have conversations about Cuban food all the time.  I take him to Porto's in Burbank and Donny gives me a look.  Fuck you, Donny, he needs to be in the right fucking frame of mind.  Let him feel at home.  No question that (takes large bite of burrito) oh - got a big bite of salsa there.  (Yawn)  All right.  I'll get cleaned up and then we can head to the stadium.  Ugh.  I think I ate this kinda fast.  Is it that you're not supposed to eat before you swim?  Huh...

Grumbles

(Tommy Lasorda was seen muttering to himself after last night's game.  Thankfully, a Dictaphone was nearby, recording his comments)

Christ, look at me.  Look like I haven't slept in fucking days.  Feel like it, even though I've been enjoying those new Big Blue Burgers.  What a shitty series against the Padres.  The fucking Padres!  Two wins those guys have, and they come up here...well, first those assholes injure one of our star pitchers.  Then they come up here and manhandle us.

Take last night's game for example.  Donny Yankees thinks Kemp is "frustrated" so he starts Skip Fucking Schumaker?!  Guy's off to a worse start than Kemp!  Still no solution for the Third Base and Short Stop problem.  I still don't trust that Punto guy.  Hey Wallach, is it POON-Toe or PUNT-o?  Aw hell, it doesn't matter.  He finally gets a start and goes 0 for 4 with an error.  Just watching pitches go by.  Sellers isn't even at .200.

Then there's last night.  We finally put Cap back as a starter...Donny Yankees trying to make starters closers with all the injuries we have...and he's serving up more meatballs than I can handle.  Well, more than Doc says I can have, but you guys know my capabilities.  By the way, I know I'm supposed to have turkey meatballs now, but you have to tell me when they're turkey and when they're ground Italian sausage, capice?

Oh man, that means we have to start Lilly sometime next week.  Well, you'll find out how far a car will run with no gas.

(Lasorda than took a long draw from a glass containing one of his award-winning wines, and stared into his wall of fame)

Things are shaping up

(Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda was interviewed after Sunday's game to discuss their start to the season)

Hello baseball fans!  I want to show you something.

That's me, back at the ballpark.  After the Giants series, I told my Doc that it had been almost a year since the recent heart-attack, and the team needed my leadership.  So, I stopped doing exercises and eating right, and returned to the new and improved Dodger Stadium!  I've been gone so long and spent so much time trying to eat that trail mix, I bet half these guys didn't recognize me.  Some of 'em are new, so I had a lot of conversations with these new guys, reminding them they always have a seat at my private dining booth in the locker room.  Except Uribe - he's ready to challenge me to a rib eating contest, but not when he's with the club!  I've told that guy 3 fucking times now, and he keeps saying "Tommeee!  Reeebs!"

See, even just writing about it gets me hungry.  Let me get the baseball stuff out of the way first and foremost.  A year ago, a lot of windbag writers were giving us shit because we had an "easy schedule" to start the season.  Look, I'M not the one who sends Pittsburgh to us so early in the season...but I'm glad for their generosity!  The Dodger pitching has been phenomenal, and we swept the Pirates as we do in these parts.  Even Donny Mustache is getting his shit together.  He accidentally put Matt Grrrrr in the game, and after 2 batters, realized his mistake.  Out went Matt, and in went someone who knew how to pitch.

Saturday Night's 1-0 win was another masterful performance by Kershaw, but god-awful hitting.  Why the fuck did Magic get all star-struck and hire McGwire as hitting coach?  As I told people then and now: take the roids out of that guy and what do you have?  Don Mattingly.  Uh oh.

Anyway, once I saw the Dodgers were coming to bat, I did my best to sample the new food items at the ballpark.  I know a lot of fans want to get comfortable at the stadium, but without much knowledge of the food, feel lost and confused.  Well, here's my take on our new friends:

Brooklyn Dodger Dog - Good, improved toppings to a Dodger Dog, but not spicy enough as I anticipated.  Don't evoke Brooklyn and give me a regular dog!

Big Blue Burger - Delicious!  Seems wrong to have a burger at a baseball game, but you won't make a mistake choosing this delight.  Go easy on the onions.  Kind of gassy.

Cheeseburger - We all but kicked out Carl's Jr. and their confused workers for this, and it's quite good.  A little small for my appetite, though. 

Grilled Cheese - Peter Guber added this for the non-meat eating fan.  I honestly had no idea this was at the stadium.  Someone brought it on a plate, I ate it, end of story.  The REAL story is that after Guber told me about it, I asked him why don't we have Sicilian style Garlic Bread?  He said "I'll get back to you."  He'd better, or my back will get to him if you grasp the concept.

Carne Asada Tacos - Had these with Fernando on Sunday.  We liked em...3 don't fill you up, so plan accordingly.  Had a Pretzel right afterward that didn't sit well.  Don't think that's a good combination.

And, in case my Doc is reading this...well, we have a day off and I just arrived in San Diego.  Going to go for a walk around the waterfront.  Get a little air and give some more, I always say.  Here come the Dodgers!

The Check has Arrived

(Editor's Note: Dodger legends Tommy Lasorda and Fernando Valenzuela have been asked to sum up the season before tonight's game)

Well, Nando, we're all done for the year.  I think it's gonna take some time to get our heads around the fact that not only are the Dodgers out of the playoffs, it was the Giants that kept us out.  What do you think?

Hemos comenzado realmente caliente, pero que en el nuevo jugadores no nos gana.

I know, and that's the part that gets me.  Last year we finished strong, but when it came down to the money games, and I look in the dugout and see my boys out there...Lopes and Wallach, but Donny Yankees in the dugout, I had a bad taste in my mouth.


¿Lo mismo que cuando el médico le dijo a comer más frutas secas?

Worse than that.  I spend all that time in all those restaurants giving Donny advice, and all he does after yet another close loss is show me some fucking crib sheet he made during Spring Training one year with New York.  He even told the staff at Eastside Market Deli when I smuggled in my own garlic bread.  Some fucking help he was that day.

Entrenador, yo nunca le privaría de la comida. 

Nor would I to you.  Look, we got a long off-season...new owners, and I'm gonna get involved again.  I don't give a shit what the doctors say.  Nando, get me some of that turkey pepperoni.  I got calls to make.

This Win's For You

Hey!  Back at Dodger Stadium, and the Dodgers come back to beat the Cubs.  Let's go to the Dodgers dugout and there's Tommy Lasorda.  Tommy, your guys did it again.

Yes, Harry...after this week I had to right the ship.  We got a lot of new guys here, and I had to set 'em straight.  The Cubs hung around a lot today and played us tough.

Tommy, your sweep of the Cubs keeps you a half game out of first, and it's been- (takes long draw of Budweiser)...

Well, it's not going to be the kind of celebration that you're looking for, I don't think, but we've got a victory meal lined up.  Some of my award winning wines, and a new Italian Sausage Burger that I think you'll enjoy.

That sounds good, but what about that wine of yours?

My award winning wines will be there, you better believe it.    

Hey!  I guess today's victory, the Dodgers won the season series...that means you have a prime rib dinner coming your way!

Next time I'm in town, you better make the call!  Does Jerry Gansini still have that garlic bread at that place?

He sure does and...well, Arne is telling me we gotta wrap it up.  We'll be back with more of the 10th Inning Show on WGN.

Wha Happen?

Guys, you can't put me in this kind of position.  If I'm boasting about your play, you gotta step it up.  You're making me look bad.

Sorry, Tommy...but what can I say?  I'm using all the lessons you taught me back in 1988.  You know, I was reading that I'm yet another successful former Dodger that's managing another team...and not--

ALL RIGHT, I know what you're gonna say.  Look, it wasn't me that picked Donny Yankees.  I've tried to give him insight, but I swear he hears only every 5th thing I tell him.

I knew you guys weren't that good.

Bochy, don't you even fucking start.  We swept your team right inna water.  We could do it again.  Don't worry about Arizona, unless you play them.  I'll worry about MY team.  Or...the team I worry about.

Tommy, I found my notes.  I think Joe said relievers stay in one inning only no matter what.  So, until he tells me otherwise, I'll keep doing that.

Are you outta your fucking mind?  Do you think managing a team is something you do while learning how to eat a sunflower seed?  Hell no!  You can't just SIT THERE AND FUCKING WATCH--

Tommy?  Are you on the phone in there?  That better not be baseball talk.  Remember what we said.

(muttering)  Cristo, io sono circondato da imbecilli.

Toast of the Town

(Dodger Legend Tommy Lasorda, under strict orders to "distance" himself from the team after his heart attack earlier this summer, just happened to be in New York City the same time the Dodgers played the Mets)

Look pretty good, huh?  Well, they still won't let me near the stadium or team...at least not as much as I should be.  And I gotta tell you, that aggravates me.  Last time I was involved, we were in first place, outplaying everyone.  Now?  Donny Yankees sent us slipping to 2nd place, behind the Giants.  I know we have a long way to go, but don't get the Giants involved in your plans...unless it's to just beat them!

Well, we're off to New York to play the Mets, and I had enough sitting on the bench.  So, my wife and I accepted an invitation from Rao's restaurant to a gala celebration for their new Vodka Sauce in stores.  It was just a coincidence the Dodgers were in town; at least that's what I told Ned.

Friday and Saturday, we take care of the Mets as we should, but Sunday Donny starts playing "everyone gets a turn at pitching" - and I couldn't believe it.  I kept one of the waiters nearby, Antonio, and kept handing him cash to give me the score.  OK, I gotta think of something.  So, I figure every time I get the feeling we're in a bind, I'll take a spoonful of sauce.  I'm not shoving down pasta, so no concerned looks from everyone.  Next thing I know, Antonio comes back to the table and says "they winning, 8'ah to 3."  I nod, smile, try to keep my composure.  Of course, I DIDN'T notice I'd consumed a salad bowl full of sauce.  You hear that, Doc?  No bread or nothing.  I get Antonio's attention one last time, and he takes the bowl away.  Next thing happens...here comes the owner.

"Well, congratulations, Mr. Lasorda, the Dodgers swept the Mets!" 

My wife turns to me, "Hey, isn't that a great surprise?"

It's a surprise to everyone but me! 

Don't Tell Tommy!

(Dodger Legend Tommy Lasorda was speaking at the Pasadena Art Fest about youth sports when urgent messages went between his handlers)

Rick: Uh oh...look at this text.  
Tina: 4-1?  We lost?
Rick: Yes, we lost all games against the Athletics.
Tina: Well, Tommy can't find out about this.  Remember, the doc said--
Rick: I know, I know.  But he wanted to hear the final score.
Tina: Tell him there's a rain out.
Rick: OK, but we'd better hurry, he's taking questions.  Oh no!

Reporter: Mr. Lasorda, any thoughts on the Dodgers anemic performance in Oakland?  In 3 losses, only 2 runs, and--

You mean to tell me that horseshit team SWEPT US?!  TWO GODDAMN RUNS?!  Where are those two...Rick and Tia?  Why the hell couldn't YOU TELL ME THIS?  I need to start making calls P-R-O-N-T-O. 

Reporter: Tommy, I didn't mean-

We got my protege this weekend...if we're comin' in like that...that's a nice fuckin' start to the weekend.

Tina: Tommy, remember your blood pressure.

Fine.  I won't get up.  Somebody GET ME one of my award winning wines.  I'll put Donny Yankees on speaker just so everyone here can listen.

(Mr. Lasorda was then told he would be "more comfortable" backstage)

Reports of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

(Baseball legend Tommy Lasorda was admitted to a hospital this week for a mild heart attack.  He was fully released this morning, and was invited to speak at a minor league ballpark this morning before joining the team in Seattle this weekend)

Ah...all right.  Doc said I gotta take it slow this week because even though everything checked out, I'm not supposed to push it.  I do need to keep the blood flowing, so if I could get a glass of water...

Folks, I don't want to put any of this on myself.  Baseball is a team game, and always will be.  The Dodgers arrived in Philly and everyone said we're in a funk.  Best record in the majors and we're in a funk?!  Shows what those windbag writers know.  I was gonna right the ship in this town real quick...and I think you know what that means...it means cheese-steak contest.  I hit all the local haunts.  Did Provolone instead of that other stuff, onions, peppers.  So, I'm taking bites of each and trying to take notes when I saw some girl looking at me funny.  You can never tell with these people in Philly.  Remember what I always said about Philadelphia: it's a family town.  Where else would you see 15 year old girls with babies?!  Haha!

(Yawn)  Oh man...trying not to get worked up.  Well, I should have been focused but then I wondered if I had chosen an establishment that wouldn't meet my standards.  Did this tour rep purposely give me a bad cheese-steak to take me down?  

Next thing I know I'm in a room, with doctors talking to each other.  I can't make heads or tails of what's going on, and no one's listening to me, so I ask "What the fuck is going on?"  Finally I hear that I had a mild heart attack.  Actually, folks, that was good news to me.  It wasn't food poisoning or anything like that.  The doctors reported all was fixed and, yes, I bleed Dodger Blue.  Only problem I had was when I had Wallach set up an IV of one of my award winning wines, and some nurse caught him putting in another bottle.

Thursday afternoon, I get a call from Lopes.  Says that the doctors weren't withholding information from me - they were just pissed off we swept the Phillies!  4 games in a row - how about that, you moron sportswriters!  You think we're...

(cough)  Right, right.  Calming down.  I didn't even get to have lobster at Bookbinder's.  All right, off to Seattle.  I see linguini and clams in my future.  Huh?  Oh, right.  Baseball is a wonderful game at any level, and I'm glad I'm here!

(crowd applauds)

Making a Good Thing Better

(Dodger legend and fill-in manager Tommy Lasorda spoke with reporters after yesterday's win over Colorado)

I tell ya something, this new ownership group is great!  And, as you've noticed, we haven't missed a beat: we swept the Rockies, continuing our trend at the top of the National League.  A lot of you guys are gonna ask me questions about Matt Kemp; if he's injured.  But you saw who was in charge - you leave that to me.

One nice thing I've noticed since the group has taken over was if one of these guys doesn't like my idea, I just go to another one and ask.  When I was growing up, I'd do the same thing.  Dad says no?  Then I ask my Ma, and she says "All right, son, you can enter the spumoni eating contest."  It was that easy...and it's just as easy now!  Last week I was talking to one of our co-owners, legendary movie producer Peter Guber.  He's asking me all these questions and then follows it up with "I just think outside the box."  Peter, I said, when you say that shit to me, I'm thinking batter's box, capice?  So he follows that up with "Well, think very hard - what's the one thing with the Dodgers that you don't have that you'd like back."  Now THAT was a tough question.  I thought about players, dinners, the stadium, food, and meals, when I came up with something: Cool-A-Coo Ice Cream Bars!  When Fox bought the team, out they went.  Whatever happened to those?

Well, Guber wanted to impress me, so he found the guy who makes em, and we're bringing em back!  That's the way to win back fans.  But I wasn't ready for what happened next...

As you saw in yesterday's game, the moron fucking home plate umpire ejects Andre Ethier, and doesn't even have the cajones to tell him to his face that he's outta there.  That kind of shit pisses me off!  Donny went out there, and while he doesn't get that worked up, he gets tossed, too.  You know what I say to that?  GOOD!  Tell that dipshit where to go!  But then, right as I was about to order another salmon wrap, the phone rings.  It's Guber.

"Tommy, Donny just got ejected.  How soon can you get on your uniform?"

Now you readers know I'm retired.  But, I do bleed Dodger Blue, and last year I managed the team on my birthday.  If the owner wants you out there, you do what you have to do.  Took me a while to find everything, so I didn't make it down until the bottom of the 8th.  But we did it!  Hey Lopes - fill up this cup with victory wine!  Yeah...Wallach, if that fucking up is in the hallway, you let me know.

Now THAT'S a great first course!

(Baseball legend Tommy Lasorda took time in-between courses to discuss the Dodgers strong start)

Mmmm!  This is fantastic!  Really sticks to my ribs, which is getting harder and harder to do.  But that is a wonderful first course.  I'll tell you another great first course - playing the Pirates so early in the season!  The Dodgers just took care of those guys in orderly fashion and swept em right outta town.  Nice to see some things never change.  That puts us to 6-1, which is our best start since 1981.  I don't need to remind you what happened that year!  The one bad thing about the Pirates series was that Vin Scully was unable to call the games due to illness.  Of course, we all wish him immediate good health.  Dodger baseball isn't the same without him.

(belch)  Whoop.  Where's the waiter?  Gettin' the salad?  OK.  You wanna know something?  I'm gonna give you inside information on this "blog" - you keep this between you and me.  Vin is sick, but honestly?  He just didn't want to call these Pirates games.  When we got the schedule, he and I were reviewing it over chicken cordon bleu at The Grill on the Alley.  Vin saw that and said "Oh Tommy.  Heavens, no.  The Pirates?  I suppose we could draw a parallel to college football homecoming."  I couldn't figure it out until he said MLB must have awarded us the Pirates due to all this shit with new owners.  Do they really do that?

Then I thought about how Selig a decade ago used to make sure the Yankees started off with the Royals or Tampa (back when they were dogshit) every year.  We'd all look at that and say "what a fucking coincidence.  Looks like another great start."  Then I see our start this year: Padres and Pirates.  Maybe I should stop complaining!  But I can't blame Vin for wanting to avoid boredom by--

Ah...that looks great.  Yeah, a little pepper...I need fresh Parmesan cheese on this too, you know.

(Mr. Lasorda, while dining on salad, told an "off the record" story about how (NAME DELETED) had a "girlfriend" in (AREA DELETED) and his attempts to keep up the relationship despite playing the Nationals once a year)

Back in Charge

(Last night, Tommy Lasorda came out of retirement to manage the Dodgers on his birthday.  We asked him for a recap while he enjoyed glass #3 of "victory wine")

How do you like that?  This was one of the best birthday gifts I've ever received.  There I was, back in the dugout, leading the Dodgers to victory over the Giants.  That picture up there is after Matt Kemp continued to remind those windbag writers who the MVP is - it's number 27!

Look at those stats: Matt goes 4-5, a 2 run homer and 3 doubles!  For the year, he's top 3 or number 1 in the NL for average, home runs, and RBI's.  What, you want to pick somebody from the Phillies?  Fuck 'em!

(Lasorda is poured another glass of wine)

Same goes for Kershaw for the Cy Young in the national league - first place in wins and ERA.  Now, those writers might say "Ah..."(belch)...whoop...they'd say "Ah...we can't give both those awards to a losing team, or they don't make the playoffs."  Bullshit!  They're the best - hell, I just managed us OVER .500!  That was my - what is it, Dave?  My 1,600th win.  You what?  I'll tell you how we did it.

I'm a gentleman, you know, so I don't tell Donny Yankees how to get these guys ready for a game, but we did it my way tonight.  I wanted them to have their strength...had a baked macaroni and cheese here and chicken parmesan.  And look at this post-game spread!  Dave, lemme take one of those garlic breads home.  Yeah, so Donny - better get a picture of this.  What - he left?  Typical.  All right, you wanna hear a story?

Back in '82, we were battlin' the Atlanta Braves down to the wire for the division.  Ask Bowie Kuhn what the hell they were doing in the West, but...so we snap a big losing streak, and beat Atlanta to cut it to 1 game.  Bert Hooten gets the win and we won big.  I'm trying to rally everybody, and keep our spirits up.  We needed it.  Then Scioscia comes up to me and says Rafael Ramirez was yammerin' about something when we were celebrating on the field.  So what?  He got picked off twice, but I don't care if that's why he was sore.  I could tell it bugged Mike, so much so I stopped eating my post-game meal, and went over to the Braves locker room.

(Lasorda is given a cup of gelato)


They're going about their business and I can tell I caught them off guard.  Before Torre can say anything, I get in Ramirez's face and say "Knock off this bullshit with Scioscia."  He stands up and says "I ain't got no bullshit with him - they were bad calls."  Can you believe that guy?  So I get in his face and say "You got San Diego tomorrow - just for that, I bet you won't even get on base!"  He went 1 for 8 against the Padres.  Ah...we coulda done it in '82.

All right, you better clear out the bathroom...

"Penne with Meatballs and Garlic Bread"

(Baseball legend Tommy Lasorda was so exuberant on a flight from St. Louis to Los Angeles that he requested a Dictaphone...so sure that wisdom would flow freely from his mouth.  It was the least we could do.)

I'm tellin' ya - that's the way we gotta play.  I mean, we're fucking it up on this road trip, and then we put it all together. 

(Mr. Lasorda went to the bathroom, returning 15 minutes later)

I told Donny Yankees that we'd do a lot more damage around here if he'd grow that mustache again.  But this is a big achievement for us.  Every time someone tells us we've done something we haven't done since I was manager, it's a big deal.  (belch)  Excuse me...yeah, turn up the air on that one.  Sweepin' the Cards...

Come on...Colorado, San Diego, a make-up with the Pirates?!  That's nothing.  Whoop - forgot to turn off my phone.  Hey - that's a text message from Dave Pearson... look what he's making for us when we return. 

Hey, Kemp...don't throw that away...it's still half full of pretzels.  Gimme those.

(Hours later)

Dave! 

So good to see you.  I tell you, those long flights really wear me out.  I'm starving.  OK, quit that recording thing or whatever.

(Mr. Lasorda then told a story in which he tossed a scrap of garlic bread to a horse at Del Mar in 1986 and "it placed at 12-1 odds.")