"Keep going. You're doing better."

(Long overdue for an update, we were able to connect with former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda during his morning workout.)

Shut the face, Doc.  I'm (breath) going as fast as I fucking can.  Whew.  How much more of this shit do I gotta do?  3 more?  All right - here's one for each win over the Giants!  1.....2...........3.  Oh my god.  OK...(breath)  Thanks, Doc.  See you tomorrow.

Honey, is he gone?  Good.  Did you bring that breakfast burrito in your bag?  Ah - perfect!  Put that Riunite on ice.  That's a good breakfast.  You saw how hard I was working in that pool.  (Takes large bite of burrito)  This guy's gotta realize I never stop working.  Whether it's baseball, eating, exercising, wine, managing or dining, I'm always giving it everything I got.

(Takes large bite of burrito)  I thought this was supposed to be at my pace.  He won't let me play my Dean Martin or Jerry Reed records while I'm working out...you have to bring in these foods.  Have you ever had an egg white omelet?  You have to fill that damn thing with so much stuff to taste good.

I'm always working, you know?  We go to New York to play the Yankees, and if we're not at my customary table at Rao's, I'm making deals trying to keep Donny Yankees in New York.  We almost had him, didn't we?  If that damn secretary hadn't made a wake-up call to his room "by mistake" he'd still be there.  Then I'd have Wallach running things.

We sure put the Giants in their place...outta first place!  Sweeping the Giants, 5 wins in a row...you think the Doc would let me off easy, but (takes long draw of Riunite).  Aw man.  Only time I can drink this stuff is when I'm really thirsty.  It's like mixing wine with 7 Up.  But (belch) - whoop.

Did you know Donny Yankees doesn't even know enough Spanish to talk to Puig?  Yasiel and I have conversations about Cuban food all the time.  I take him to Porto's in Burbank and Donny gives me a look.  Fuck you, Donny, he needs to be in the right fucking frame of mind.  Let him feel at home.  No question that (takes large bite of burrito) oh - got a big bite of salsa there.  (Yawn)  All right.  I'll get cleaned up and then we can head to the stadium.  Ugh.  I think I ate this kinda fast.  Is it that you're not supposed to eat before you swim?  Huh...

Bruin a winner

UCLA won their first national championship in baseball last night, bringing some good baseball news around here for a change.  It also gives us one reason of many to post a photograph such as this:

The Bruins run to the title was summarized quite often as either "small ball" or "timely hitting" or something like the following:

"The Bruins (49-17) once again rode their pitching, as they closed out the College World Series title having allowed only seven runs in their past eight games...[t]he UCLA offense actually did its part in this one as well. Entering the championship round, Bruins hitters were batting only .248 on the season and .182 in the College World Series..."

And YET they go the job done.  Announcers and writers (sometimes considered people) were bemoaning the fact that the current stadium is too big...not enough home runs.  OK, so that means you have to pitch and play D and not fuck up.  Your throws from the outfield have to be on target.  If no one is hitting home runs, it's more of a feat that you're able to put up 8 runs en route to the title.

Outside of the local coverage (scant at best), all the reports are on the lack of home runs.  "What happened to the home runs in the college world series?"  Was the question before that "What happened to the donut holes in the press box?" - we'll never know.  But it doesn't matter.  A Los Angeles baseball team continually found ways to win despite whatever problems might be in their way.  Dodgers owners, all 6 of you - paying attention?

The Postmortem

As Donnie Mustache attempted a clandestine escape to his car following a 5-4 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks, a rogue reporter hopped a fence and finagled a brief exchange with the embattled skipper.  According to the cousin of the sister of the parking lot attendant present, it went down something like this:

• Reporter: Donnie, the team is 8.5 games back. Your closer has an ERA of 6. Can things get any worse for this team?
• Donnie: Nick Punto's put up his best slugging percentage in 3 years. What do you want?
• Reporter: Be that as it may, sir, the Dodgers have been outscored 32-14 in the 9th inning or later this season. Did you consider pulling League at any point tonight?
• Donnie:  Like I said, it was Brandon's inning. You start pulling the rug out from under your closer, what's that do for his confidence? And I can't have my 7th and 8th inning guys coveting a role that they've never filled before.  Have you seen Jansen close a full season? That's poppycock logic.
• Reporter: Dodgers GM Ned Colletti signed League to a 3-year, $21 million contract last winter.  Is there any truth to the rumors that you are contractually obligated to pitch him in the 9th?
• Donnie: I'm not contractually obligated to take a dump every morning, but I do. 11:23am. Every day. Unless I can't. Shit happens. Unless it doesn't.  Brandon League is my closer until he isn't.  
• Reporter:  What do you make of the team's offensive struggles in the clutch?
• Donnie: When you're missing Matt Kemp, Carl Crawford, Hanley Ramirez and AJ Ellis, you're going to feel it.  But good food takes time. We all want the pot roast, but the fans are just going to have to settle for the hot pocket right now.  Luis Cruz has been BABIP'd to death this year, but you watch....
•  Reporter:  Tommy Lasorda thinks this team's problems stem from chemistry. Do you have anything to say to that?
• Donnie:  Chemistry, huh?  Tommy need to lay off the Breaking Bad ... and the bread sticks.  You show me a test tube that's thrown a strike, that's turned a double play, that's pulled off a double steal, and I'll show you the manager's seat.  I'm a can-do guy; Tommy's a cannoli guy.  There's no bonding there.

As Donnie approached his 2010 Honda Odyssey, he discovered a photo on the dash with the note, "This Dodger Dog don't hunt no more." - Magic

I saw it with my own eyes

I was there at Dodger Stadium last night.  I saw the Snakes do their batting around Kershaw, yet K remained effective.  I saw Puig continue to get hits.  I saw first base umpire Clint Fagan call Jerry Hairston out when he was safe by at least a step.  The worst part of that horrific call?  The Dodgers did their usual fucking up, keeping the lead at 3-1 going into the ninth.

I knew something wrong was about to happen...and it wasn't the Cool-a-coo ice cream sandwich I was eating (an intriguing concoction of chocolate, ice cream, and sawdust)

Folks, I was sitting at Loge level when I began screaming.  Pleading.  Trying to get the attention of any usher I could find.  Short of running on to the field, I tried my best to prevent what was next. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you're attention please.  Now pitching for the Dodgers, Brandon League."

(Indifference.  You readers know what music should be played.  Take it, "Slim" Jim Koehler)
 
Miguel Montero struck out.  (I've seen that start before.  By the way, the scoreboard implored the lemmings to "Get Loud" after that strike out.  The suggestion was ignored.)

Martin Prado gets a single.  (I know what happens next)

Gerardo Parra gets a double, Prado to 3rd.  (This is where the "Al-bu-quer-que" chant began, and I swear I had two sections of the Loge level joining me...the rest were laughing.  Laughing at someone who we all knew was going to fail.)

Jason Kubel hits a ball toward the middle.  It's knocked down.  Prado scores.  Parra to 3rd, Kubel safe at first.

"Chat-a-nooo-ga"  (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (A woman sitting behind us says that's "cruel but accurate.")

Someone named Didi Gregorius gets a walk to load em up. 

"COO-CA-MUN-GA" (Clap Clap ClapClapClap)  (The woman behind us says "It's like we're the Cubs."  I tell her I was a Cubs fan until I had to end that bad relationship.  Pause.  "Then this is all your fault.")

A.J. Pollock pops out to Ellis.  (Dear God, 2 outs...if this wasn't League...)

Willie Bloomquist gets an infield single where TWO RUNS SCORE?!

(I haven't seen 2 runs score on an infield single since watching my sister's 4th grade softball team struggle through a win-less season.)

Peter Moylan comes in to give up another of League's runners while Brandon is told he should just give it up.  The Dodgers, once up 3-1, are now down 5-3.  

Brandon's ERA is now

6

(We all just shake our heads)

The Bottom of the 9th saw the Dodgers get within a run and have runners at the corners with no one out.  No one came close to scoring.  We slowly leave the stadium having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Folks if there is a game to encapsulate the 2013 Los Angeles Dodgers season, it's this one.  It has it all:

• Injuries
• Effective starting pitching pulled at random
• Double switches, a Donny Yankees favorite
• Minimal runs but a lot of hits
• Brandon League getting diarrhea on the mound in the 9th
• The Dodgers just missing a win, losing to a team they should beat
• Out-managed again

I'm out of a voice today, but it was for a good cause: I was warning those around me of impending doom, yet was powerless to stop it.  Brandon League sucks, and I hope Ned remembers that every 2 weeks when that jumbo check is handed to #31.

You can't keep a big man away from the table

You know who's still playing?  Not only playing, but playing well?

Bartolo "Muy Caliente" Colon!

"I'm working more than last year; I'm still fat but that don't mean nothing," Colon said through an interpreter.

Now, there might be a report due out soon that says "Muy Caliente" might have used an illegal substance while playing.  That substance might have been Frank's Red Hot Sauce, Bud.  You ever heard of that?

When asked before last night's game about the possible news leak, knowing that "Muy Caliente" has already served a 50 game suspension for his transgressions, he said

"I don't like to hear news."

Unless that news is "All you can eat hot wing night."

Check out the baseball stats from Engelberg over here: 7-2, 3.12 ERA.  You haven't pitched that well since your days in Montreal, Bartolo, and we can only imagine your enjoyment of all Quebec's fine French cuisine.  Mas jamon in that crepe, I would guess.

Don't let em get you down, Bartolo.  Give all of your all.

Questions not exactly answered

The Dodge leave the Mile High city in the same spot as before (the dumper), with not much positive realized.  Yasiel Puig comes up today to start a homestand (the timing is no mistake) with some minor league changes.

Matt Magill is sent back to Albuquerque...had a rough go of the games he started (way too many spot starts, Ned), and getting shelled on Sunday didn't help his cause.  No hard feelings...so it goes...

Chris Capuano, who should be in Albuquerque, is not pitching for now.  Good news!  Stephen Fife returns...which we really hope is good news, too.

But will these moves make a difference?  It's the sum of the parts we're talking about here...and each game this weekend showed the problems.

Problem 1: Brandon League is garbage.

Friday night's game was in the can...up by 2 going to the bottom of the ninth.  No Donny - don't call--NO!

Shit.  Well, let's recant Brandon's bottom of the 9th performance with some music.  Take it away "Slim" Jim Koehler!


League strikes out Arenado.  (Holy shit!)
LeMahieu gets a single.  (Uh oh...here comes Todd Helton)
Wild pitch, LeMahieu to 2nd.  (Of course)
TODD HELTON 2-RUN HOME RUN.  Brandon, you are incapable of doing your job.
Young grounds out.  (Too late)
Fowler lines out.  (Doesn't matter)

I can't think of more fitting music for such a typical performance.  But even more fitting is this headline from cbssports.com:

"Dodgers still confident in Brandon League."

WHY? 

Problem 2: I don't know what happened to Zack Grienke post-injury.

I wouldn't be surprised if he too is still injured, but he looks god-awful.  Lucky for him he didn't get the loss, but it's 4+ runs on each of his last 3 starts.  I'd scratch Zack from his next start if we had anyone healthy...he tends to pitch better at home, but if the choice is "good" or "shit" I don't like that coin flip.

Problem 3: The Dodgers released a guy from Albuquerque who was hitting .339.

Don't know him...don't know the situation.  But read that sentence again.  Makes sense, doesn't it?

Just spinning the tires in the mud...wake me when it's over.