Buckle it up

Note: this is the latest chapter in the cross-post bonanza happening internet-wide (on 4 different websites)

I have two rules in life:

1) Don't do a gig for less than $200.
2) Only knock Tommy down the page if you are posting scans of the 1986 Twins Yearbook.


Giddy and go.

In 1986 the Twins won 71 games. They had won 77 the year before, and with the young core of Puckett, Hrbek, Bruno and Rat, plus the pitching of Bert and Frankie, they were supposed to improve in 86. It didn't quite work out that way.

This is a public service announcement for the Metrodome. Brought to you by the good people who control the Metrodome. Co-authored, I'm sure, by Sid Hartman. Did you guys know that by playing in the Dome, the Twins never had one rain delay? Oh, but they did have to STOP A FUCKING GAME IN EXTRA INNINGS BECAUSE THE GOPHERS HAD TO PLAY THAT NIGHT.

TINKER FIELD. BERT BLYLEVEN, WEARING THE ST. PATTY'S DAY GEAR.

I don't think we survived the crash.

Hi there, my name's Carl! I'm an honest, hard-working American like yourself who just wants to put a good product out on the field. I bought this team because of my love of baseball and Minnesota! Hang on one sec... (picks up phone, puts hand over mouthpiece) I don't give a shit how many kids she's got, if she's behind on the mortgage we toss her ass to the rats! So come out this year and watch our young stars win! Guaranteed no rainouts!

P.S. Howard T. Fox Jr. is DEFINITELY the kind of guy who casually drops the F-word to waitresses at lunch.

1. TK, how bright is it?
2. Tony, didn't your entire hitting philosophy revolve around "Swing at slop, drive into gaps, go to Murray's and eat a big steak"? How long does it take to teach that to Bruno?

Stelly is still with the team. And he's as angry as he appeared in that picture. How many times do you think Stelly has openly questioned Scott Baker's prowess? A million?

Aaaaaaaaaaaand here's the reason the 86 Twins bombed out. Ron Davis was 2-6 with a 9.08 ERA. His WHIP was 2.172. This excerpt from Wikipedia says it all:

In 1986, his last year with the Twins, Davis began the year with two saves in April. These would be the last saves of his career. He gave up his first runs of that season in a game against the California Angels. After hitting the first batter he faced, Davis eventually loaded the bases and allowed the game tying run to score by throwing a wild pitch. In the bottom of the ninth, he then gave up a three run home run to lose the game. In another infamous game that year against the Boston Red Sox, he came on in a save situation in the ninth inning. After getting his first two batters out, he loaded the bases and then issued a walk to force in the tying run. He then hit the next batter with a pitch to force in the winning run. With that loss, Davis lost his closer's role and was later traded to the Chicago Cubs in mid-season. He was used sparingly in relief the rest of his career.

They fired his ass because a loser is a loser.

However, people often point to this as a turning point for the Twins, being that RD was out and Jeff Reardon moved in the next season. Hey, sometimes you gotta break some eggs.

When in doubt, just print the word "Twins" under beer cans, you'll get where you're goin.

"Nobody knows where Vaughn will land, but it won't be back in Boston".

I figure Boston fans probably get a good 20 years of joy out of shit like this. Sure, it may not be full belly-laughter, but it's got to still bring a smile. Hey Mets, how did that work out?

If you have a mustache and your name is Louisiana Lightnin', then the probability that you contracted an STD over the course of your playing career hovers around 1.

The very same ligament that was designed to hold the elbow together was the one that was ruptured?!?!?

"I slipped, and fell in mud. RUINING the very pants I was going to return".

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! YOU HIT ALL THOSE HOME RUNS BECAUSE YOU DRANK MILK? PERHAPS IF I DRINK ENOUGH MILK I CAN HIT 70 HOME RUNS IN A SEASON AND HAVE A LOT OF BACNE!!!

Handicapping the Dog-Track

(you've just shanked another ball into the pond)


Tough break, kid.

Well, here we are, isn't that right? Breaking down the old American League central. I have to be honest here, I didn't think the White Sox had what it takes... especially in the not-running-it-down-the-leg department. But here we sit, and it's going down to the wire. I've been in a few of these in my day, and I've got to tell you that this Twins team is going to be ahead at the end of the season, that much I am sure of. The question is how they are going to get there. Let's get into it and break down how they should close this out, using dog-racing analogies, like only I know how.

DOG BETTING TIP #1 - Never take the dog on the rail if it's a slippery track

Sure kids, the White Sox look like they are pulling it all together for one big finish. They go out and get that son-of-a-bitch Ramirez and all of a sudden they are more powerful than the hometown boys. Well, let me tell you something here, they're on the rail and they're going to have to race like hell just to get into the lead. Know what happens when dogs on the rail push too hard?


You see the dog that just pushes forward after all that mayhem? That's the Twins.

DOG BETTING TIP #2 - Unlike horses, you want to bet on the dog that actually looks the skinniest and most malnourished

Why? Because he's chasing after food. You know when they pull the dogs into the little blue room to be shown in front of the closed-circuit prison camera? You want to bet on the one where you can see detailed outline of the ribs. A hungry dog will always close better. They can smell the meat at that distance. Me and Gil (that's a dog trainin' buddy of mine) used to go out and sprinkle a little gristle on the rabbit just to incite those dogs to finish hard. And boy, the hungry one would always sprint right at the end, just knowing they could get that sweet meat. The Twins are hungry this year, they know they were bred just for this type of stretch run, and Ron and the guys have kept them underfed all year. Now it's time to bust out and git that rabbit.

DOG BETTING TIP #3 - Bet on the dog that's been there before

The thing is, dogs with experience run more consistently. They know what it takes around each turn, and just how close they can get to the rabbit before they yank it away. An inexperienced dog will just bust after that thing full-bore for the first lap, and then his tongue is waggin' and he's heading in for some kibble. But the experienced dog knows that there is a t-bone waiting at the end if he just paces himself and takes each turn careful. The Twins are that dog: steady, deliberate, methodical. These are the dogs that you want to get to know their trainers. Because nothing beats going 4 for 4 on a Sunday at St. Croix.

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Now let's just have a look at the schedule difference between the Twins and White Sox. I'll give you which teams they'll be playing for the rest of the year, and separating these teams into a few categories. Blogger, don't fail me now...

Twins

• UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 12 games)
• MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, Oakland, Toronto, White Sox (total of 16 games)
• ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Texas (total of 3 games)

White Sox

• UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 8 games)
  
• MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, LA Angels, Boston, Oakland (total of 20 games)
  
• ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Minnesota (total of 3 games)

Now here's some findings for you. First, the Whiteys can't beat garbage teams. Let's not forget that the only reason they are here right now is because they beat up on the NL garbage teams. But the AL? They are having problems. They are a combined 13-15 against the Royals and Indians, two teams they see for 8 more games. If history holds there, they will go 4-4. The Twins are doing, oh, how do you say, the funking when it comes to the garbage teams. They are 16-8 against the Royals and Indians, which would come out to at least 8-4 against those guys the rest of the way. I think I see a potential for gaining games here.

If you wash the rest of the "middle" teams (and just assume that each team will play about .500), then it comes down to REALLY needing to beat the "good" teams. If the Twins can even get a game from Texas, then the White Sox will absolutely need to sweep the Twins to even keep it close. You see, by my classification system up there, the Twins are the only really good team they play. Every other team, besides KC and Cleve, will be roughly the same for each team. For example, if the Sox beat Boston loud, and take 6 games from them, then the Twins will be just as likely to do that against Detroit. There is no probability difference between those teams. And since they can't make hay against the garbage (and the Twins most decidedly CAN), then they really need to beat MN in all 3 games.

Kids, I'll leave you with one thought:

What do you think the fucking odds are of the White Sox sweeping the Twins when the games matter?

Upswing in Productivity

(weighs walleye, it's a 4 pounder)

(scratches chin, smiles)


Justin! Orlando! Nick! Jose! Joe! JJ! My office, NOW!



(Hobble in, holding body parts that normally don't get injured)


Now, we've got a problem here. The problem, and this website can tell ya, is that we've had some difficulty not falling down and hurting ourselves while playing baseball this year. Now I know, I know. A lot of this stuff is just the nature of the game. Lou Brown will tell ya that even tough guys get sprains over the course of a season. But here's the problem: when you guys sit out, our team sucks. I don't know why it is, especially with you, Punto, but even though the other guy fills in by hitting grand slams, we still can't keep it together. And the Bitch Sox are just running all over us, because they're playing HARD! This can't happen!



Skip, I'm back now, so maybe we can-



CAN THE FACE! You missed time to get a cortisone shot in your throwing arm, and we all know how this one is going to play out. In a few days you've got the soreness back. So we can't do another shot, because of BALCO. So we rest you, again. No dice. All of a sudden it's weak grounders to second. And then the DL. AND THAT LEAVES ME WITH DREW BUTERA AS THE STARTING CATCHER!

Now let's run this down. Justin, you slid into a man's knee and knocked yourself silly, and you've missed a month. You still can't tell the difference between me and your dad. O-Dogg, you hurt yourself swinging. It's something that major league batters are supposed to do literally hundreds of times per day. And you pulled a muscle doing it. That's like me straining my voice yelling at my kids. Punto, dear god, where do I start? You pulled your hamstring busting down the line to first, like you always do. You've got an excuse already built in, don't ya? Jose, I'll get to you. Yours is the worst.



But skip, I'm all healed up!



YOU DISTORTED THE PAST AND DESTROYED THE FUTURE! YOU BROKE THE LINEAR TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM AND THRUST US FORTH INTO A DIMENSION FROM WHENCE WE WILL NEVER RETURN!





I'm... I'm not following.




Ok, Jose. Here it is. You hurt your wrist last year. You waited a long time to get surgery, until after the season ended. Then you didn't get better over the winter. You came to spring training and your wrist still hadn't healed. Which is kind of important, you know, because you're a catcher. You were the most experienced backup we had in the minors, and I could've carried you north to back up Joe alone, and it would've been grand. Instead, I had two other guys: Sal Butera's kid, and Wilson "Ain't Givin A Fuck If'n I Blast One To The Multifoods Tower" Ramos. Butera is a solid backstop, but couldn't hit a ping pong ball with a tennis racket. Ramos is 22, can hit the ball to North Oaks, but is as raw as I was with the Mets.

So I had to take Butera. But then, wouldn't you know it, Joe hurts his heel stepping on a base. Again guys, this is something we can avoid. So I need a backup. And here comes Ramos. And he goes and beats the hell out of the ball, like we all knew he would. And he becomes the best trading chip we've had since Santana. So then, Billy Smith gets 50 calls a day offering this and that for the kid. He holds off, knowing what he has. But when the trading deadline approaches, the tables turn. Now he can't find a taker. They want 4 guys for a half season of Cliff Lee. They want even more for Oswalt. Suddenly, he can't find anyone willing to part with their talent for this kid. So he panics, and we end up with Matt MF'n Capps. Straight up. Ramos, for a middling reliever. Thanks a lot, Jose.

JJ, you also hurt yourself sliding into a base.

So, boys, what are we going to do? Anyone have any suggestions? Anyone?



(silence)








I thought so. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Lemme get some guys in here who might be able to tell you a thing or two. KENT! GET IN HERE!





Howdy kids, how goes it? Take a look at that beaut right there. You know how I managed to win two World Series', retire a hero, and have my own fishing show where I can show up slightly drunk to work every day? BY PLAYING THROUGH PAIN, KID-O'S!!! You think it didn't hurt like hell to dive all over that turf? Tell your old man to drag Gant up and down the first base line and see if he don't get sore! But I'll tell you guys, I love baseball, and sitting out even a game would just get me more teased by my teammates. Greg Gagne would light your tighty-whiteys up if you were in the hot tub after a game!




Yeah, but Kent, you have a firm layer of blubber. The rest of us have developed muscles and tendons. How are we supposed to-





Just take a look at that, Senor. This is from my Beaver Huntin' show. You want that future? IT'S IN YOUR HANDS! Take a peek in the looking glass, kid. BRUNO, GET IN HERE!!!







Howdy folks. Just wanted to drop in and tell you guys... wait a second. What's that picture? OH YEAH, that's me with my biggest fans. I tell you, I picked these up in Kansas City, and I still can't get rid of em! Rat, come on in here and see if you can't straighten these kids out.





Christ on a bike, you punks. You can't run the bases without getting hurt? Oh, your arm hurts from too many sliders? I'll tell you what. Take one goddamn look at that mustache right there, and tell me to my fucking face that you can't go out there and play.

Thought so.

TOM!




(drives by in golf cart) What the? I recognize Joe and Justin, but who the fuck are these other clowns?







Sir, you traded for me in the offsea-



Can it, mush. Now, Ron told me to stop in today to give you guys a warning. PICK IT THE FUCK UP OR YOU'LL SWING FOR BELOIT UNTIL 2016!






Easy there Tom, I'm actually, well... let's see here. Maybe you could tell a story about injuries.






Fuck it, you're right. So take a look at that. Fucking Dave-o. Practicing sliding into second. The pig would rip one off the baggie and round first like a dog that Dickfer bet on at St. Croix. He'd come chugging into second, just barely beat the throw, but hit the bag like a freight train and splinter his ankle. So I told him, Dave, these injuries are slowing you down. How's about you just put the fucker in the seats, then you can take your time. Well, Terry comes down and tells me Dave-o is out, and we got a new fat guy in LeCroy to fill his spot. Shit, I don't care who does it, just tank that fucker into the balcony and we can all enjoy our cigars. So Dave-o leaves, starts hitting the juice, and wins two rings. The moral of the story is... SHIT BOYS, PLAY HURT OR DON'T PLAY AT ALL!!!



Thanks Tom, that's really going to help us out. Well, I guess that about does it. What's that? Oh, that's me toasting Carl for not folding the team and taking Bud's 20 million dollars.





Oh, what's in the cups? That's Purple Drank.