Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"I'm tired of doing my job today."

This was the thought that was going through the mind of Jerry Meals last night. 


"It's a LONG day at the office for everyone...so I'm selfish.  I guess us umpires already aren't selfish enough, now is a time as good as any.  But I'm not like a lazy cop who considers a small theft "petty crime" because "I pulled a double shift." I want sleep.  Whoever gets closest to home next wins."

If you saw it live, saw the replay, or saw a photograph, you saw something so obvious that it almost destroyed your mind that it could be called that way.  Hell...even the home plate umpire at the infamous 2002 all-star game called the last pitch a strike...he could have let Bud get another at-bat.  But those were different times.

The great Cosell once called baseball (and this was in the mid-70s, mind you) "a game belonging to William of Orange."  Aside from the comedic touch, he also said baseball was "a game of the nineteenth century."  Which it is, and one that is dragged kicking and screaming to the present and the future.  Since there was no television in 1897, thus no instant replay, we can't have it now.  So instead of saving someone face....instead of making sure correct calls fill the game (allowing the players performance to make the difference) we watch horribly bizarre call after horribly bizarre call.

It's pointless to argue close calls.  There's enough of those in life each day.  "That fucking mom in the mini-van isn't even on the fucking road!"  It is the calls that are so clear, and then you see someone who is supposed to be a professional just shit all over home plate.  And I don't care about the Pirates or Braves.  You probably don't, either.  But you DO assume that an important game involving a team that interests you will include competent umpiring, regardless of the length or nature of the game.  But don't tell that to the umpires - it's not their job to get it right all the time.  They don't have to!  Don't tell Bud, either.  It's hard enough trying to decide what tie you'll wear each day.

Shit...don't say "tie" to Bud Selig.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Time for a stretch

(During the All-Star Break, the Writer's Guild Theater in Beverly Hills had a screening of The Bad News Bears, which was hosted by baseball legend Tommy Lasorda.  After the screening, Mr. Lasorda opened the floor to questions.)


"Yeah.  You know, I was the Dodgers 3rd base coach when this came out.  And I think it's just the greatest thing to have kids play baseball, like that guy said.  Of course, we were surprised to hear the kids talking like us!  By the way - setting this film here in LA shows how much...(belch) excuse me."

(A question is asked about Walter Matthau playing a manager)

"I thought he did a fantastic job.  And by the way, if you think getting kids to play your way isn't easy, try getting grown men to listen to you instead of screwing around.  In Albuquerque, when I managed there, you got a lotta guys trying to make it to the big leagues.  Once I got up here, I realized that a lot of these guys think they have it made and can do whatever the hell they want.  I'm sorry...whatever they want."

(Terry Crowley writer Trip Darvez asked a question about the Pizza Hut bar scene)

"Wait a minute!  I know this guy.  You've probably never read his...blog, or whatever.  Trip Darnell or whatever.  He wrote about how bad we are.  Let me tell you something - we went into this break winning 4 in a row!  Shoved those Padres back in the basement.  Let's hope Mr. Yankees has an idea of what he's doing now!  Otherwise, and believe me when I say this, I'm gonna do what I gotta do."

(crowd applauds)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

An actual nightmare of mine

The other night this "dream" came to me as I slept.  It sums things up.

In the dream, I had organized some sort of Dodgers "Fan Fest."  Even in the dream I knew this was to drum up interest about the team despite 1. awful play and 2. waiting for an ownership change to follow through.  So, whatever, I walking around this fair, and who comes up to me but Frank McCourt.  "Thank you for setting this up - it will really help the team."  My dream mind is racing on what to tell this fuck, but before I say anything to him, he says "Here - this is for you.  Thanks again."  It's cash.  He walks away.

My dream mind reeling, I take a few steps and try to collect myself.  I look down to see what cash he gave me. 

Two $25 dollar bills.

Even my dream brain knew there's no such thing...and as I thought "What a slimeball!  He gave me fake money?!" I awoke.  In life real, and during brain movies, Frank McCourt is a fucking sleaze.

Oh, and the Dodgers?  More like Dogshits.