Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
JESSE CRAIN IS GOING TO PITCH FOR THE WHITE SOX
yyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
It's a Preview to Us
(Trying to ignore the fact that the Giants are in the World Series, we've asked baseball legend Tommy Lasorda to interview Fernando Valenzuela about the documentary that aired last night on ESPN)
Tommy Lasorda here for NBC sports, and Fernando, ESPN had a whole hour about Fernandomania. I remember those times vividly, of course. What are your thoughts on the film?
¿Pensé que fue una vista agradable de nuestra historia, pero dónde estuvieron las entrevistas con usted?
I don't know...you only saw me in there once. And where the hell was Vin in all this? That's my big complaint.
Eso me recuerda de cuando usted me tomó haciendo de compras en "Beverly Hills" durante la huelga.
I told you that you gotta look sharp. You're a big time star now, so we should go to Botany 500. And you walked outta there with a good sport coat collection. Yeah, that strike in 1981 was an awful thing. But it all worked out, you got your money, I got mine. Different days with the O'Malley's - how often would you look forward to dining with your boss?
Espero cenar con usted, Tommy.
Haha, I look forward to dining, period. In case any of you are wondering, we're rooting for the Rangers...as if there was another option. But, to sum up, weren't those fun days, playing with the Dodgers?
Bien, fueron las mejores experiencias en mi carrera del béisbol. Estoy contento que soy todavía con el equipo, llamando los juegos. Las cosas son buenas.
He said that it was the best experience of his life, and that I was the finest manager of the history of baseball. And that he's buying dinner tonight at the rooftop restaurant at the Bonaventure Hotel.
¿Qué?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Rant Time
The lights go off, we settle down into that dark abyss, and the world refuses to tilt yet again.
Same as it ever was. Goodbye Babylon.
This shit hurts. Fuck almighty, it hurts. Last year I pissed in my pants and openly proclaimed that I didn't care if they lost each game by 40, because just getting there was such a thrill. When Cabrera hit that bomb, I seriously peed a little bit in my pants.
I fucking watch these guys every single day during the summer. I wake up in the morning, and I check every newspaper, blog and sports site for info. I watch the highlights that I couldn't see (I usually listen on the radio). I know more about the Minnesota Twins than anyone who reads this blog. Sorry, but Asshole is coming out tonight. I fucking give everything. I post a fucking blog hosted by Tom Fucking Kelly talkin' Dog Track, and I google "Kent Hrbek Beaver Shirt" to find what I'm looking for.
And I love Ron Gardenhire. He knows exactly how to run this organization, and his methods trickle down throughout the minors and everywhere.
But none of it matters anymore. NONE OF IT MATTERS. Because if you get to the playoffs every year, and you haven't won a fucking GAME in 6 years, and you haven't won A FUCKING HOME GAME SINCE TWO THOUSAND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then none of it matters. We're not talking small sample size. We're talking BIG PIECES OF FECES IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU PLAY IN THE PLAYOFFS.
Look, if you accept the notion that the players adopt their manager's tendencies and reflect his personality to some degree, then you HAVE to look at these playoff records as an utter and complete failure. There's no other way. Gardy sits like a fucking buffoon and doesn't do the right things in the playoffs.
IT'S SIMPLE. THE YANKEES KNOW HOW TO PLAY LOOSE AND DO WHAT IS NEEDED TO WIN ONE GAME, JUST ONE, AND TAKE EACH GAME AS IT COMES. The Twins have no idea how to do this. They get ahead, and they get excited and piss down their legs. When they get behind, the press WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too hard and strike out. It's like watching the most pre-determined sporting contest EVER.
I don't give a fuck about this, and fuck it all.
We're the White Sox, except we get to play 3 more games per year. When we beat the White Sox, as we do EVERY SINGLE YEAR, they say "Yeah, well, the Twins will just go to the playoffs and get swept." And then it comes to pass. So great. I'm glad we gave all that effort. Might as well bring in Colon and get it done with.
2002 was pure joy. They didn't go all the way, but DAMN did I love Dougie and Kockie.
2003, we tugged on Superman's cape in game 1. But, inevitably, they won. They were better.
2004 was an absolute repeat, and it hurt. Because we were expecting it.
2006 was the best 2nd half, ever, only to get to the playoffs and just FUCKING DOG SHIT. Lose two straight in the dome and just cry.
2009? Who gives a fuck? Just getting there was great. Matt Tolbert started at 3rd base. Brian Dunce started game 1 in Yankee stadium. Who cares? Playoffs were pure candy.
2010 is the ultimate kick in the sack. We enter Cleveland territory. We enter Buffalo Bills territory.
We enter....
We fucking......
VIKINGS TERRITORY.
Same as it ever was. Goodbye Babylon.
This shit hurts. Fuck almighty, it hurts. Last year I pissed in my pants and openly proclaimed that I didn't care if they lost each game by 40, because just getting there was such a thrill. When Cabrera hit that bomb, I seriously peed a little bit in my pants.
I fucking watch these guys every single day during the summer. I wake up in the morning, and I check every newspaper, blog and sports site for info. I watch the highlights that I couldn't see (I usually listen on the radio). I know more about the Minnesota Twins than anyone who reads this blog. Sorry, but Asshole is coming out tonight. I fucking give everything. I post a fucking blog hosted by Tom Fucking Kelly talkin' Dog Track, and I google "Kent Hrbek Beaver Shirt" to find what I'm looking for.
And I love Ron Gardenhire. He knows exactly how to run this organization, and his methods trickle down throughout the minors and everywhere.
But none of it matters anymore. NONE OF IT MATTERS. Because if you get to the playoffs every year, and you haven't won a fucking GAME in 6 years, and you haven't won A FUCKING HOME GAME SINCE TWO THOUSAND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then none of it matters. We're not talking small sample size. We're talking BIG PIECES OF FECES IN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU PLAY IN THE PLAYOFFS.
Look, if you accept the notion that the players adopt their manager's tendencies and reflect his personality to some degree, then you HAVE to look at these playoff records as an utter and complete failure. There's no other way. Gardy sits like a fucking buffoon and doesn't do the right things in the playoffs.
IT'S SIMPLE. THE YANKEES KNOW HOW TO PLAY LOOSE AND DO WHAT IS NEEDED TO WIN ONE GAME, JUST ONE, AND TAKE EACH GAME AS IT COMES. The Twins have no idea how to do this. They get ahead, and they get excited and piss down their legs. When they get behind, the press WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too hard and strike out. It's like watching the most pre-determined sporting contest EVER.
I don't give a fuck about this, and fuck it all.
We're the White Sox, except we get to play 3 more games per year. When we beat the White Sox, as we do EVERY SINGLE YEAR, they say "Yeah, well, the Twins will just go to the playoffs and get swept." And then it comes to pass. So great. I'm glad we gave all that effort. Might as well bring in Colon and get it done with.
2002 was pure joy. They didn't go all the way, but DAMN did I love Dougie and Kockie.
2003, we tugged on Superman's cape in game 1. But, inevitably, they won. They were better.
2004 was an absolute repeat, and it hurt. Because we were expecting it.
2006 was the best 2nd half, ever, only to get to the playoffs and just FUCKING DOG SHIT. Lose two straight in the dome and just cry.
2009? Who gives a fuck? Just getting there was great. Matt Tolbert started at 3rd base. Brian Dunce started game 1 in Yankee stadium. Who cares? Playoffs were pure candy.
2010 is the ultimate kick in the sack. We enter Cleveland territory. We enter Buffalo Bills territory.
We enter....
We fucking......
VIKINGS TERRITORY.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Make Records...
(a low grunt is heard, as someone is walking towards you with obvious effort)
Hey is anyone here going to Bullwinkle's for Old Style pitchers toni- Oh we're on? I did not know that. Hi folks, Coom Dog here, looking as svelte as ever, and ready to report on the upcoming series between the MN Motherfucking and the New York Yankees. I've pieced together this report from archival footage and interviews, along with a few "Bull" sessions with Gardy and TK, if you know what I mean.
(awkwardly winks)
Well let's get right into it here... I, Ron Coomer, present to you...
THE BALLAD OF THE 2010 MINNESOTA MOTHERFUCKING
================================================
Last year was a fun one, there was no doubt about that. We had our downs, followed by our ups. The end of the season saw the White Sox doing what they do best - failing to tie their shoes and slipping on the dugout steps - and the Tigers collapse in epic fashion. Unfortunately, the road pretty much ended there, as the Twins went into New York and Joe Nathan had to pitch to Alex Rodriguez, and Mr. Rod hit one that hasn't landed yet.
Tom, what did you think about all that?
"You know Ron, that was a tough break. These guys deserve better, and after a few months at the dog track, I figured it out. We just gotta go get a few big sonbitches who can put the ball in the seats and you can't make any mistakes. You think Kirby gained all that weight on his own? Hell no! I was in there every day with a bowl of Lloyd's and extra Handi-Wipes to make sure he kept on target. You see them hips turn in 1992? I tell you, El Presidente doesn't run that one up in his eye socket, he's still puttin' balls into the Vikings locker room..."
Right, well, um, sure. (finishes kraut-dog he was eating while waiting for TK to stop talking)
Moving on, we've lost some talent over the past few years. Let's take a look at a few of the players the Twins sorely miss...
Hmmm.... I'm not so sure he has a shoulder or elbow anymore. I think it's mostly bovine pericardium at this point. So, that one's not so bad...
Oh right, like we miss a centerfielder who once allowed the ball to go by him and let Eric Chavez score an inside the park home run in the playoffs. Plus, he gets paid more in year than I made in the bigs. Ok, we didn't really lose a lot of guys in the offseason. We definitely went out and got some hogs though.
But then spring training started, and things... well they took a turn:
That's a picture of Joe Nathan explaining that his elbow actually came undone on that A-rod homerun, and he never told anyone about it because no one bothered to ask.
So the Twins started the season with Jon Rauch as their closer. Jon had done pretty well in his most recent stint of closing, which was for Arizona, a team that might not even exist anymore. Jon really proved himself while keeping the 6-7-8 hitters in check at the ends of meaningless games against San Francisco and San Diego. But was he ready for the big time?
No. He wasn't.
But it didn't matter because we had so many hogs on this team. The season was going along great, with everyone playing very well and another championship looking all but wrapped up. But then, some jokers in blue pajamas decided enough was enough...
With an intentional knee to the head, Justin Morneau was lost for the season. GIVE 'IM THE SMELLING SALTS!!!
(eats spoonful of relish)
But the Twins did what they have recently become very good at... they won. They won almost all the time. The White Sox won a few times, but not enough, and I don't think the Tigers won another game the rest of the year. It all added up to the sweet stuff flowing like swee-berry wine:
And that's when the interviews come in. Let's go around the locker room and see if anyone has any of their Blimpie left.
I mean, "interview" them. We'll start with Joe:
"DIESEL TALL BOYS, WOOOOOOOO!!!! You know Ron, it's been a pretty good year for me, what with hitting the ass out of the ball all the time, and being pretty much the best athlete in this state's history. They really should just give me the MVP every year, because there isn't a more important, special player in all of the land. Also, check out my new rap CD, it's coming out next November titled '2 On, 2 Out, And A Big Fat Di-'"
-- OK, thank you Joe! Let's move over to Slowey. Kevin, I understand you are a major league pitcher with the last name of "Slowey". Is this true?
"Yeah, well, HOW'S ABOUT A BOGGS LITE OVER YOUR EGG-HEAD, HUH EGG-HEAD?!?!?!?"
Carl, come on over here and tell us what you learned this season:
"I learned that you can buy a certain kind of hat. Let's just say this hat "offers" something to people. And this "offer" you are making only costs a quarter. Let's say this is some kind of "ride" that you are "offering". Well, I bought one of these hats, but I didn't have the necessary gear to "follow through" with my "offer"."
So, what did you do?
"I grew the gear, daddy-o! And look at me now. I used to walk through the neighborhood and couldn't give it away. Now it's coming in like I'm the youngest one in a boy-band. All because of Señor Saddlebrush here."
Fantastic outlook on life, thanks Carl.
(opens mouth to catch some sprayed Bud Heavy)
That's got a good flavor. Moving on, Delmon, how have you been able to have the year you have had, and especially without throwing a bat at an umpire or a family member?
"Hurry hurry and step right up, the best show on earth, EPMD and Word Up! And featuring the man on the cut / He who don't believe can get the Macadamia NUTS!!!!"
Fantastic. I'm going to head outside and talk to some children who seem to be enjoying themselves:
"DUDE GET THE FUCKS OFF ME!!!"
"Nah brah, check this out... this broseph right here, this is the guy!"
"Holla!"
"Yo yo, we're on our way to Sinners, anybody got free passes?"
"Shit dogg, I got some at last week's Vikes game, but my buddy took em! Then my other buddy comes up and is all 'Where them passes at?' I'm like 'Hell nah brah, I ain't--"
You literally are the douchiest human beings on the planet. I'm going to head back inside. Ron, I know you and I share the same first name and pant size, I wanted to ask you about what it means to win again, like you always do, against the White Sox when it matters-
"That's a pretty good baseball team over there. We've been playing pretty good baseball. We have to go out and see if--SWEET MARY MAGDALENE THAT IS COLD"
Denard, not many people picked you guys to go all the way this year... wait is that true? Did people think you were good, or not?
"HA HA!!!! TOLD Y'ALL! Y'ALL DIDN'T LISTEN!!!! I TOLD Y'ALL!!!! STOOD RIGHT HERE AND SAID IT! CAROLINA AND THE TEAM OVER!!!! I DONE SAID IT AND NO ONE LISTEN-- HEY MAN GIT YOUR HANDS OFF MY SHOES THESE IS SNAKEBELLY!"
Orlando, you have stayed somewhat healthy all year. It's a huge surprise to most of us who expected you to break into two pieces by the all-star break. How have you been able to stay on the field?
"It's the underwater goggs, fool! I learned this from Torii back in the day. Ain't no Cooks going to run up in these buggers! But seriously, Ron, I just want to tell you all about some of the clowns we got on this team right here the Minnesota Twins we come out with Big Jim Jam and he done hit five eighty of em and gonna hit more when and if he don't get the respect then you got Kubes he ain't just a--"
Ok, if I let you keep talking you will never stop. Let's move on down the line... hey is that big Jim Thome? Jim, you hit two triples this year. That's actually an impossible act, something that could only happen in a fairyland. How do you explain it?
"RAH RAH SIS-BOOM-BAH!!! I'll tell you one thing..."
(waits)
"This ORGANIZATION has taken ALL of the STEPS to bring a WINNER to this STATE. I just KNOW all the guys in this LOCKER ROOM are proud of the WAY we played and we're GOING to keep GOING FORWARD."
That's outstanding. Well, I'm about to shove off to seven corners and see if I can't scare up a few young- Wait, is that Matt? Matt! Git the hell over here you old dog! How you been?
"Sooooooooo-ey!!!! Highty Tighty Whiteys boys! Is this goin on the blog?!?! Herkimer Jones, I'm ripped off the Diesel! Ron, Ron, get in close here, I gotta whisper somethin' to ya..."
(whispers in ear, Ron bursts into laughter)
"And she said she done already did it to Fetters a few years back!!!!!! You believe that?!?!?! Anyway boys, hell it's gonna be a ball-bustin ride from here on out. We got our work cut out for us in those damn Yankees, but you know somethin? My daddy always told me you gotta do the work you was assigned, and ain't no gittin around it. And if that work means throwing a gas-pass right at Gardner's face, well sir, I ain't a backin' down. I'll put a rawhide in that bitch Jeter's mush if I have to, and I know e'ryone else out in that bullpen'd do the same. Boys, we're ready. We're as ready as Ron here is to git at that first pitcher of Heileman's. You can't stop what's comin. That's vanity.
On three everyone, let's whip em out and measure for width, mass and volume...
One....
Two.......................................
Hey is anyone here going to Bullwinkle's for Old Style pitchers toni- Oh we're on? I did not know that. Hi folks, Coom Dog here, looking as svelte as ever, and ready to report on the upcoming series between the MN Motherfucking and the New York Yankees. I've pieced together this report from archival footage and interviews, along with a few "Bull" sessions with Gardy and TK, if you know what I mean.
(awkwardly winks)
Well let's get right into it here... I, Ron Coomer, present to you...
THE BALLAD OF THE 2010 MINNESOTA MOTHERFUCKING
================================================
Last year was a fun one, there was no doubt about that. We had our downs, followed by our ups. The end of the season saw the White Sox doing what they do best - failing to tie their shoes and slipping on the dugout steps - and the Tigers collapse in epic fashion. Unfortunately, the road pretty much ended there, as the Twins went into New York and Joe Nathan had to pitch to Alex Rodriguez, and Mr. Rod hit one that hasn't landed yet.
Tom, what did you think about all that?
"You know Ron, that was a tough break. These guys deserve better, and after a few months at the dog track, I figured it out. We just gotta go get a few big sonbitches who can put the ball in the seats and you can't make any mistakes. You think Kirby gained all that weight on his own? Hell no! I was in there every day with a bowl of Lloyd's and extra Handi-Wipes to make sure he kept on target. You see them hips turn in 1992? I tell you, El Presidente doesn't run that one up in his eye socket, he's still puttin' balls into the Vikings locker room..."
Right, well, um, sure. (finishes kraut-dog he was eating while waiting for TK to stop talking)
Moving on, we've lost some talent over the past few years. Let's take a look at a few of the players the Twins sorely miss...
Hmmm.... I'm not so sure he has a shoulder or elbow anymore. I think it's mostly bovine pericardium at this point. So, that one's not so bad...
Oh right, like we miss a centerfielder who once allowed the ball to go by him and let Eric Chavez score an inside the park home run in the playoffs. Plus, he gets paid more in year than I made in the bigs. Ok, we didn't really lose a lot of guys in the offseason. We definitely went out and got some hogs though.
But then spring training started, and things... well they took a turn:
That's a picture of Joe Nathan explaining that his elbow actually came undone on that A-rod homerun, and he never told anyone about it because no one bothered to ask.
So the Twins started the season with Jon Rauch as their closer. Jon had done pretty well in his most recent stint of closing, which was for Arizona, a team that might not even exist anymore. Jon really proved himself while keeping the 6-7-8 hitters in check at the ends of meaningless games against San Francisco and San Diego. But was he ready for the big time?
No. He wasn't.
But it didn't matter because we had so many hogs on this team. The season was going along great, with everyone playing very well and another championship looking all but wrapped up. But then, some jokers in blue pajamas decided enough was enough...
With an intentional knee to the head, Justin Morneau was lost for the season. GIVE 'IM THE SMELLING SALTS!!!
(eats spoonful of relish)
But the Twins did what they have recently become very good at... they won. They won almost all the time. The White Sox won a few times, but not enough, and I don't think the Tigers won another game the rest of the year. It all added up to the sweet stuff flowing like swee-berry wine:
And that's when the interviews come in. Let's go around the locker room and see if anyone has any of their Blimpie left.
I mean, "interview" them. We'll start with Joe:
"DIESEL TALL BOYS, WOOOOOOOO!!!! You know Ron, it's been a pretty good year for me, what with hitting the ass out of the ball all the time, and being pretty much the best athlete in this state's history. They really should just give me the MVP every year, because there isn't a more important, special player in all of the land. Also, check out my new rap CD, it's coming out next November titled '2 On, 2 Out, And A Big Fat Di-'"
-- OK, thank you Joe! Let's move over to Slowey. Kevin, I understand you are a major league pitcher with the last name of "Slowey". Is this true?
"Yeah, well, HOW'S ABOUT A BOGGS LITE OVER YOUR EGG-HEAD, HUH EGG-HEAD?!?!?!?"
Carl, come on over here and tell us what you learned this season:
"I learned that you can buy a certain kind of hat. Let's just say this hat "offers" something to people. And this "offer" you are making only costs a quarter. Let's say this is some kind of "ride" that you are "offering". Well, I bought one of these hats, but I didn't have the necessary gear to "follow through" with my "offer"."
So, what did you do?
"I grew the gear, daddy-o! And look at me now. I used to walk through the neighborhood and couldn't give it away. Now it's coming in like I'm the youngest one in a boy-band. All because of Señor Saddlebrush here."
Fantastic outlook on life, thanks Carl.
(opens mouth to catch some sprayed Bud Heavy)
That's got a good flavor. Moving on, Delmon, how have you been able to have the year you have had, and especially without throwing a bat at an umpire or a family member?
"Hurry hurry and step right up, the best show on earth, EPMD and Word Up! And featuring the man on the cut / He who don't believe can get the Macadamia NUTS!!!!"
Fantastic. I'm going to head outside and talk to some children who seem to be enjoying themselves:
"DUDE GET THE FUCKS OFF ME!!!"
"Nah brah, check this out... this broseph right here, this is the guy!"
"Holla!"
"Yo yo, we're on our way to Sinners, anybody got free passes?"
"Shit dogg, I got some at last week's Vikes game, but my buddy took em! Then my other buddy comes up and is all 'Where them passes at?' I'm like 'Hell nah brah, I ain't--"
You literally are the douchiest human beings on the planet. I'm going to head back inside. Ron, I know you and I share the same first name and pant size, I wanted to ask you about what it means to win again, like you always do, against the White Sox when it matters-
"That's a pretty good baseball team over there. We've been playing pretty good baseball. We have to go out and see if--SWEET MARY MAGDALENE THAT IS COLD"
Denard, not many people picked you guys to go all the way this year... wait is that true? Did people think you were good, or not?
"HA HA!!!! TOLD Y'ALL! Y'ALL DIDN'T LISTEN!!!! I TOLD Y'ALL!!!! STOOD RIGHT HERE AND SAID IT! CAROLINA AND THE TEAM OVER!!!! I DONE SAID IT AND NO ONE LISTEN-- HEY MAN GIT YOUR HANDS OFF MY SHOES THESE IS SNAKEBELLY!"
Orlando, you have stayed somewhat healthy all year. It's a huge surprise to most of us who expected you to break into two pieces by the all-star break. How have you been able to stay on the field?
"It's the underwater goggs, fool! I learned this from Torii back in the day. Ain't no Cooks going to run up in these buggers! But seriously, Ron, I just want to tell you all about some of the clowns we got on this team right here the Minnesota Twins we come out with Big Jim Jam and he done hit five eighty of em and gonna hit more when and if he don't get the respect then you got Kubes he ain't just a--"
Ok, if I let you keep talking you will never stop. Let's move on down the line... hey is that big Jim Thome? Jim, you hit two triples this year. That's actually an impossible act, something that could only happen in a fairyland. How do you explain it?
"RAH RAH SIS-BOOM-BAH!!! I'll tell you one thing..."
(waits)
"This ORGANIZATION has taken ALL of the STEPS to bring a WINNER to this STATE. I just KNOW all the guys in this LOCKER ROOM are proud of the WAY we played and we're GOING to keep GOING FORWARD."
That's outstanding. Well, I'm about to shove off to seven corners and see if I can't scare up a few young- Wait, is that Matt? Matt! Git the hell over here you old dog! How you been?
"Sooooooooo-ey!!!! Highty Tighty Whiteys boys! Is this goin on the blog?!?! Herkimer Jones, I'm ripped off the Diesel! Ron, Ron, get in close here, I gotta whisper somethin' to ya..."
(whispers in ear, Ron bursts into laughter)
"And she said she done already did it to Fetters a few years back!!!!!! You believe that?!?!?! Anyway boys, hell it's gonna be a ball-bustin ride from here on out. We got our work cut out for us in those damn Yankees, but you know somethin? My daddy always told me you gotta do the work you was assigned, and ain't no gittin around it. And if that work means throwing a gas-pass right at Gardner's face, well sir, I ain't a backin' down. I'll put a rawhide in that bitch Jeter's mush if I have to, and I know e'ryone else out in that bullpen'd do the same. Boys, we're ready. We're as ready as Ron here is to git at that first pitcher of Heileman's. You can't stop what's comin. That's vanity.
On three everyone, let's whip em out and measure for width, mass and volume...
One....
Two.......................................
Monday, October 4, 2010
It's Cherry Blossom season for Twins fans
I really hate to knock Tommy down the page, but I have seen this movie before. And I don't like it. I mean, I don't like the build up.
Every year we forget what happened the year before and I hear the same shit. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate what the Twins have done this past decade. Hell, I'll take it for the rest of my life. Winning the division, watching good baseball (for most of the season) over 6-7 months. I'll take that season that rates (or grades if you are a gambler) a 7 out of 10 every year.
The post season for me is more celebration than expectation. Shit, the Yankees have to come and play us Game 1 . . . HERE. That's something. Players have overachieved. Realize it.
Oh, I'll enjoy it and it will smell good, pictures will be taken, memories made, and it will be over in a week.
Every year we forget what happened the year before and I hear the same shit. Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate what the Twins have done this past decade. Hell, I'll take it for the rest of my life. Winning the division, watching good baseball (for most of the season) over 6-7 months. I'll take that season that rates (or grades if you are a gambler) a 7 out of 10 every year.
The post season for me is more celebration than expectation. Shit, the Yankees have to come and play us Game 1 . . . HERE. That's something. Players have overachieved. Realize it.
Oh, I'll enjoy it and it will smell good, pictures will be taken, memories made, and it will be over in a week.
Tommy's Playoff Preview
(We now go to Tommy Lasorda's office for his playoff preview!)
Well, that’s the playoff thoughts around here, huh?! Talking shit about the Cubs. We all remember that Drew Barreiro likes dumping on the Cubs. But, come on! What are you, the White Sox? NO. You are the Division Champions! You’ve enjoyed the fruits of victory. So why the silence? Are you thinking about 2003? 2004? Last year’s playoffs? I’m telling you right now: forget it!
Look, you know who hates the Yankees the most? Not the people of Boston – they hate everything. ME. I bleed Dodger blue, and I hate the fucking Yankees. Just like Tanner in the Bad News Bears. So believe me when I tell you…after the shitstorm of a season the Dodgers lived…and the continuing court case of our owners…nothing would warm this Italian’s heart more than a Twins sweep! Beat em in 4 or 5, that’s fine, too. What – you’re concerned at how you’ve looked since winning the division title? Think about last year: you had to win an extra game just to get in. All guts right to the playoffs. What happened then? That’s my point. Let me give you an example.
When we clinched in 1977, we had a healthy 10-game lead. In that final home stand, I was trying out people and trying out new culinary delights in the dugout. Before a weeknight game with the Giants, I had Dave Pearson send down a homemade Meatball Sub. Sure, I ate before the game, but I knew this was not a game that would worry me. Douggie Rau was on the mound…and he was throwing like he had a hot date. Next thing I knew, it was the 5th inning. In-between talking to players (Reggie Smith spent a whole inning telling me about The Spy Who Loved Me) I barely had time to finish that thing. Just as I did, we won. Game was less than 2 hours long, so I had to shovel that one down, fast.
So you see what a manager does leading up to the playoffs: get his shit in gear. If I know Ron…and I think I do…you’re all set.
Texas has yet to do well in the Playoffs…and they’ve got another stern challenge in Tampa Bay. For those of you attending games in Arlington, unfortunately I can’t recommend a restaurant around there. I didn’t go with the team last year; I knew Andruw Jones would be there.
I think you can tell I’m trying to avoid one playoff fact: the Giants won the division. As much as I enjoyed the historical slide the Padres performed (stringing along their fans to the final game…well done!) I just want to see the Giants slaughtered. Doesn’t matter how. Bobby Cox is ornery…maybe he’ll slug Aubrey Huff. What an awful name.
Well boys, this is the playoffs. Don’t just make an appearance. Hang around! Kick the shit out of New York! Give me something to celebrate!
Well, that’s the playoff thoughts around here, huh?! Talking shit about the Cubs. We all remember that Drew Barreiro likes dumping on the Cubs. But, come on! What are you, the White Sox? NO. You are the Division Champions! You’ve enjoyed the fruits of victory. So why the silence? Are you thinking about 2003? 2004? Last year’s playoffs? I’m telling you right now: forget it!
Look, you know who hates the Yankees the most? Not the people of Boston – they hate everything. ME. I bleed Dodger blue, and I hate the fucking Yankees. Just like Tanner in the Bad News Bears. So believe me when I tell you…after the shitstorm of a season the Dodgers lived…and the continuing court case of our owners…nothing would warm this Italian’s heart more than a Twins sweep! Beat em in 4 or 5, that’s fine, too. What – you’re concerned at how you’ve looked since winning the division title? Think about last year: you had to win an extra game just to get in. All guts right to the playoffs. What happened then? That’s my point. Let me give you an example.
When we clinched in 1977, we had a healthy 10-game lead. In that final home stand, I was trying out people and trying out new culinary delights in the dugout. Before a weeknight game with the Giants, I had Dave Pearson send down a homemade Meatball Sub. Sure, I ate before the game, but I knew this was not a game that would worry me. Douggie Rau was on the mound…and he was throwing like he had a hot date. Next thing I knew, it was the 5th inning. In-between talking to players (Reggie Smith spent a whole inning telling me about The Spy Who Loved Me) I barely had time to finish that thing. Just as I did, we won. Game was less than 2 hours long, so I had to shovel that one down, fast.
So you see what a manager does leading up to the playoffs: get his shit in gear. If I know Ron…and I think I do…you’re all set.
Texas has yet to do well in the Playoffs…and they’ve got another stern challenge in Tampa Bay. For those of you attending games in Arlington, unfortunately I can’t recommend a restaurant around there. I didn’t go with the team last year; I knew Andruw Jones would be there.
I think you can tell I’m trying to avoid one playoff fact: the Giants won the division. As much as I enjoyed the historical slide the Padres performed (stringing along their fans to the final game…well done!) I just want to see the Giants slaughtered. Doesn’t matter how. Bobby Cox is ornery…maybe he’ll slug Aubrey Huff. What an awful name.
Well boys, this is the playoffs. Don’t just make an appearance. Hang around! Kick the shit out of New York! Give me something to celebrate!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Hey Mom!
Did we make the playoffs?
Are we gonna go to White Castle after the game? PLEASE? Mom, you said!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Breaking down the garbage line-up
Is anyone else seeing this?
The Twins, having clinched ("clunch"?) last night, followed by massive drinking, followed by drunken reveling, rolled out the absolute worst line-up that they could conceive. Honestly, they could not put together a worse line-up with these pieces if they tried. But, of course, they are absolutely authorized in doing this, seeing as how so many of their starters are likely still blind drunk.
Let's go through this and see just how bad it really is...
1. Denard Span, CF - Well, he's a regular starter. So that's pretty good.
2. Alexei Casilla, SS - Alexei was a starter in 2009, and had the game winner in Game 163. Although he is a backup and a knucklehead, I would still take him - honestly - over every other 2nd Baseman in the central (yes, I realize that he is playing short today... but still). He is a quality utility man, and WAY better than starters on Detroit and Chicago. Think about it. Gordan Beckham? Possibly. But Omar Vizquel is old and Scott Sizemore has a problem catching the baseball. Give me Alexei, any day.
3. Trevor Plouffe, DH - Ok, well you're never going to choose to have Trevor MF'n Plouffe DH for you, ever. This one is a clear give-up just so they can give Jim time to soak those old bones.
4. Danny Valencia, 3B - He's the best third baseman in the Central, hands down, and he's only getting better.
5. Jose Morales, 1B - Ok, so he's not a natural first baseman. He's not really a natural catcher either. You know what he is? A natural hitter. I would take him over Laird for his bat, and Andruw Jones for his pinch-hitting ability. Sure, his defense would suck, but he at least gets hits. Look at the jokers KC run out there. They can't field, or hit, or go to the bathroom in the right spots.
6. Matt Tolbert, 2B - Still, a better player than half the garbage out there. He got a huge hit in Game 163 ("Hey Drew, do you live in the past much?") and he's incredibly nifty in the field. If this is the worst it gets, it's not that bad. Look at his opponent today, Valbuena. He's hitting under .200. So, I'll take Tolbert.
7. Ben Revere, LF - The rawest rookie you'll ever see (besides Go-Go) who stands something like 5'7". He can absolutely fly though, which makes him more valuable than Grady Sizemore, because he's hurt all the time
Ok, so I'm starting to stretch here. But is he better than Alex Rios at catching the baseball? Well, considering Rios likes to run away from the ball because he never got over his fear of it, yes, yes he is.
8. Jason Repko, RF - The man is a defensive replacement, that much we all know. But man, take a look at that defensive outfield... Revere, Span and Repko. That's some speed. Not much hit to the outfield is going to find grass. And again, sure he can't hit worth a piss, but neither can anyone that Cleveland or Detroit rolls out there. The difference between Repko and Raburn is that Repko never doo-dooed himself diving for a ball.
9. Drew Butera, C - He has a grease-o mustache. He has a great arm and calls a great game. He can't hit for shit. That puts him right at league average at his position. Would you rather have Victor Martinez?
As of the time of this posting, the Twins lead 5-1. Of course they do.
The Twins, having clinched ("clunch"?) last night, followed by massive drinking, followed by drunken reveling, rolled out the absolute worst line-up that they could conceive. Honestly, they could not put together a worse line-up with these pieces if they tried. But, of course, they are absolutely authorized in doing this, seeing as how so many of their starters are likely still blind drunk.
Let's go through this and see just how bad it really is...
1. Denard Span, CF - Well, he's a regular starter. So that's pretty good.
2. Alexei Casilla, SS - Alexei was a starter in 2009, and had the game winner in Game 163. Although he is a backup and a knucklehead, I would still take him - honestly - over every other 2nd Baseman in the central (yes, I realize that he is playing short today... but still). He is a quality utility man, and WAY better than starters on Detroit and Chicago. Think about it. Gordan Beckham? Possibly. But Omar Vizquel is old and Scott Sizemore has a problem catching the baseball. Give me Alexei, any day.
3. Trevor Plouffe, DH - Ok, well you're never going to choose to have Trevor MF'n Plouffe DH for you, ever. This one is a clear give-up just so they can give Jim time to soak those old bones.
4. Danny Valencia, 3B - He's the best third baseman in the Central, hands down, and he's only getting better.
5. Jose Morales, 1B - Ok, so he's not a natural first baseman. He's not really a natural catcher either. You know what he is? A natural hitter. I would take him over Laird for his bat, and Andruw Jones for his pinch-hitting ability. Sure, his defense would suck, but he at least gets hits. Look at the jokers KC run out there. They can't field, or hit, or go to the bathroom in the right spots.
6. Matt Tolbert, 2B - Still, a better player than half the garbage out there. He got a huge hit in Game 163 ("Hey Drew, do you live in the past much?") and he's incredibly nifty in the field. If this is the worst it gets, it's not that bad. Look at his opponent today, Valbuena. He's hitting under .200. So, I'll take Tolbert.
7. Ben Revere, LF - The rawest rookie you'll ever see (besides Go-Go) who stands something like 5'7". He can absolutely fly though, which makes him more valuable than Grady Sizemore, because he's hurt all the time
Ok, so I'm starting to stretch here. But is he better than Alex Rios at catching the baseball? Well, considering Rios likes to run away from the ball because he never got over his fear of it, yes, yes he is.
8. Jason Repko, RF - The man is a defensive replacement, that much we all know. But man, take a look at that defensive outfield... Revere, Span and Repko. That's some speed. Not much hit to the outfield is going to find grass. And again, sure he can't hit worth a piss, but neither can anyone that Cleveland or Detroit rolls out there. The difference between Repko and Raburn is that Repko never doo-dooed himself diving for a ball.
9. Drew Butera, C - He has a grease-o mustache. He has a great arm and calls a great game. He can't hit for shit. That puts him right at league average at his position. Would you rather have Victor Martinez?
As of the time of this posting, the Twins lead 5-1. Of course they do.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
There are these White Sox blogs...
... and they are very funny to read.
That one is from January of 2010, and discusses our very own Jimothy Thome. It's spectacular, so I'll quote it here:
I think the thing that is truly funny about White Sox blogs - and as an extension, their fans - is that they have a real knack for bitching about their team, yet they always come back with some "Well it's bad, but we can still beat the Twins" nonsense.
Here's how this works: losing Jim Thome to the Twins was one of the worst GM decisions, ever. Not only did you trade him at the deadline for garbage, but then when he wanted to come back, the GM wouldn't even talk to him. Just "Nope, go away". They didn't sign him because they didn't want him at any price. Ok, so that's half of the worst thing ever. But then he went to YOUR DIVISION RIVAL. And he absolutely slaughtered it here, giving us the first respectable DH since Ortiz, and he wasn't on the sauce yet, so he sucked when he was here. I can't imagine that could have gone any worse for the White Sox. And yet, here's that attitude. The idea of "Well, it's bad, but we can still go get them". No you can't. The White Sox occasionally thrive on the circus atmosphere that their buffoon coach and dumb-o GM encourage, but it's always a freak occurrence. Sometimes it all aligns and they win 13 in a row. But the norm, for this new regime, is one of utter failure. Sure, they're not as bad as Kansas City, but that's because they spend 3 times as much money. If they had a small payroll, they might not win 10 games a season.
So, just admit it. Just someone, some honest White Sox fan out there, please write an article that says "Holy Jesus God, we really ballsed up that Jim Thome thing". Say the truth. "We let Jim Thome go to our division rival and now they are even better and we are worse and we got nothing from that deal and now we get to play golf early". Other fanbases don't have a problem with this.
I think it all comes back to the mouth-breathing.
So, that's Thome, but then there's this:
Wow. Ok, here we go again. See, there are two ways of looking at this. One, in which Konerko is a hero and picks himself up out of the dirt, shakes it off, and cracks a long home run in his next at bat. That makes for a great story.
Of course, the other one is the truth. That one goes: The Twins run a fastball into the Bitch Sox' mouths and then they laugh while sweeping them in Chicago.
See? Both ways!
If Paul gets up and hits the game winner, I agree, put him on the front page. It's a great story. But when you start talking about "resiliency", perhaps a better way to say that is "they have no other choices at first base, so even if Paul can't see, he's better than the garbage on the bench". And also, in speaking of "resiliency", I think you could point to the Twins actually being better at that than the White Sox. Because they, you know, win. All the time. Even with their backups in (notice who is catching in those pictures. It ain't Joe). The Twins take the White Sox' best punch, and they punch even harder, knocking them right the piss out of the race. And then they hit you in the face with a baseball...
Awesome.
That one is from January of 2010, and discusses our very own Jimothy Thome. It's spectacular, so I'll quote it here:
E-nough Already About Thome
I know it's just fans being fans, but the White Sox faithful are overreacting to Ozzie Guillen's decision to move on without Jim Thome and the slugger's subsequent signing with the rival Twins.
I know he was productive for the Sox and I know he's a great guy, but there simply wasn't a fit in the new Sox universe. I was upset when Joe Crede went to Minnesota because it just didn't sit well with me, but Thome not so much. Like Crede, he very well could beat us in a game or two, but that's baseball.
As a Sox fan friend of mine said yesterday, we're not going to lose the division because of Thome's departure--it's all about the pitching. And if things work out the way we think they will, that will be our major strength in 2010.
I'll leave you with this. Remember that some of the same Sox fans were scratching their heads and voicing their outrage over trading Carlos Lee and a minor leaguer for Scott Podsednik and Luis Vizcaino prior to 2005. So, how did that work out?
I think the thing that is truly funny about White Sox blogs - and as an extension, their fans - is that they have a real knack for bitching about their team, yet they always come back with some "Well it's bad, but we can still beat the Twins" nonsense.
Here's how this works: losing Jim Thome to the Twins was one of the worst GM decisions, ever. Not only did you trade him at the deadline for garbage, but then when he wanted to come back, the GM wouldn't even talk to him. Just "Nope, go away". They didn't sign him because they didn't want him at any price. Ok, so that's half of the worst thing ever. But then he went to YOUR DIVISION RIVAL. And he absolutely slaughtered it here, giving us the first respectable DH since Ortiz, and he wasn't on the sauce yet, so he sucked when he was here. I can't imagine that could have gone any worse for the White Sox. And yet, here's that attitude. The idea of "Well, it's bad, but we can still go get them". No you can't. The White Sox occasionally thrive on the circus atmosphere that their buffoon coach and dumb-o GM encourage, but it's always a freak occurrence. Sometimes it all aligns and they win 13 in a row. But the norm, for this new regime, is one of utter failure. Sure, they're not as bad as Kansas City, but that's because they spend 3 times as much money. If they had a small payroll, they might not win 10 games a season.
So, just admit it. Just someone, some honest White Sox fan out there, please write an article that says "Holy Jesus God, we really ballsed up that Jim Thome thing". Say the truth. "We let Jim Thome go to our division rival and now they are even better and we are worse and we got nothing from that deal and now we get to play golf early". Other fanbases don't have a problem with this.
I think it all comes back to the mouth-breathing.
So, that's Thome, but then there's this:
And then there was last night. While the Sox fell to the Twins, 8-5, a incident involving Paul Konerko best illustrates what the 2010 Pale Hose have been all about.In the first inning, with two outs and Omar Vizquel at first base, a Carl Pavano pitch collided with Konerko's face. Being led off the field by Ozzie and trainer Herm Schneider, Paulie refused to come out of the game and jogged to first, fat lip and all. Then, in the third frame, Konerko got the appropriate revenge by smashing his 37th homer of the season.You can make the case that this scenario is the Sox season in a nutshell. It can be summed up this way: resiliency, resiliency, resiliency.
Wow. Ok, here we go again. See, there are two ways of looking at this. One, in which Konerko is a hero and picks himself up out of the dirt, shakes it off, and cracks a long home run in his next at bat. That makes for a great story.
Of course, the other one is the truth. That one goes: The Twins run a fastball into the Bitch Sox' mouths and then they laugh while sweeping them in Chicago.
See? Both ways!
If Paul gets up and hits the game winner, I agree, put him on the front page. It's a great story. But when you start talking about "resiliency", perhaps a better way to say that is "they have no other choices at first base, so even if Paul can't see, he's better than the garbage on the bench". And also, in speaking of "resiliency", I think you could point to the Twins actually being better at that than the White Sox. Because they, you know, win. All the time. Even with their backups in (notice who is catching in those pictures. It ain't Joe). The Twins take the White Sox' best punch, and they punch even harder, knocking them right the piss out of the race. And then they hit you in the face with a baseball...
Awesome.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Post Script
A few years ago I discussed the White Sox and their culture of anger in another blog.
As further evidence of that claim, I give you Jim Thome. As a Twin:
As further evidence of that claim, I give you Jim Thome. As a Twin:
Just look at how happy he is to be a Twin and, more importantly, not a BitchSox.
With inability comes failure and with failure comes anger. So is the life of the Chicago White Sox. Sorry Mouthbreathers, it's just not going to be your year. Again.
With inability comes failure and with failure comes anger. So is the life of the Chicago White Sox. Sorry Mouthbreathers, it's just not going to be your year. Again.
And then you wake up in the morning and you still suck
Well, that should about do it. As inevitable as a sunrise, the Bitch Sox collapse again when it matters, and we move on to a brighter future.
But we don't move on without a proper sendoff. Cue the chuckwagons.
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The White Sox are a failure organization. They just are. They fail at most things. I was watching the game last night and someone I was with even commented "Their color scheme is even boring. Just black and white. Stupid." Yes. It is stupid. No color, no signature theme. Just stupid black and stupid white. But it goes so much further than that. Let's break it down.
(I will be addressing the White Sox directly in the second person, so get ready to feel uncomfortable)
Your catcher is old and is a free agent. You should've dumped him at the break. Now he walks for nothing. But even if you re-sign him, you'll pay a lot of money and get an old catcher. Your backup catcher can't quite fit into his jockstrap yet. The baby Jesus, he is not. His name is also Flowers. So, for the position of catcher, FAIL.
Your first baseman is having a great season. That's fun. He's also old and slow. He drops the ball at first base. He can't score from second on a hit to the outfield unless it runs a gap. AND, he's a free agent. So in order to get your old, not-going-to-be-hitting-like-this-for-one-more-season first baseman, you'll have to pay him more than he's worth. In the minors, you have nothing. He's been the only good player on your team this year, and Morneau is better. So, with regard to the position of first baseman, FAIL.
Speaking of, how perfectly poignant was it to see him take a clop in the chops last night? What symbolism. The Twins just hit the Bitches right in the mouth, just run a fastball right up into your pearly whites, and you spit blood, run to first, and suck your thumb. Then when the Twins come to bat, you lightly brush Cuddyer and he comes around to score. A punch in the face for the Bitches, then a light slap for the Twins, resulting in a run. Funny.
Your infield is duct-taped together, and is at its peak right now. Gordon Beckham broke his wrist/hand and you thought it was a great idea to bring him back early. He now can't hold the bat. Alexei played out of his ass in 2008, and has now regressed to average at best. Both of them have fielding issues. Third base is an utter mess... not one single player you have put in there has been good in any way. Mark Teahan is a joke at the plate, and yet is somehow even worse at fielding the baseball. This guy Morel is a minor league mainstay. And your utility infielder is Omar Vizquel, who is old and walks gingerly.
So, infield: FAIL.
Oh let's get to those outfielders. Right field: you let Jermaine Dye go because he was old and getting fat and couldn't field at all. Ok, fine. But now you have Quentin. And he's fat, and looks like he is taking a shit when he stands in the box, which is funny, because then he actually HITS like he's dumping a load. But here's the thing: he can't field either. He's got to be just as bad as JD. So that's fun. Then you've got centerfield. You split time between Alex Rios (who also looks like he's taking a dumper-doo up at the plate) and Andruw Jones. Jones runs away from the ball when it is hit to him. He is fat and old, and confused in the field. Alex Rios makes like 18 million dollars a year to look confused. He hits average, fields average, and makes as much as Torii. Then Pierre, the man who never met a single he didn't like. He's alright in the field, certainly better than any other garbage out there, but he slaps nothing but singles. He steals bases wonderfully, however. He is the best outfielder you have, which is funny, because he's barely good enough to start in the NL West. So, outfield, FAIL.
You completely lucked into your starting pitching, and are doing your best to throw it all away. Danks and Floyd are average guys who sometimes pitch well against Kansas City. They always lose to the Twins, always. They are your 3rd and 4th starters at best. Buerhle threw a perfect game and sometimes shuts down the Twins. But he's old. He can't be considered an ace. And then you went and traded away a promising youngster for Edwin Fucking Jackson, WHO COULDN'T CUT IT IN DETROIT. To round it all out, you mortgaged the future to get ahold of Jake Peavy, who was REALLY good pitching against Arizona and San Francisco, two teams who think the game ends when they score 2 runs. He tore a tit muscle and will be injured forever. Fortunately, you banked your entire future on this flame-out. The reason I say that you "lucked into" these guys is because Kenny Williams can't stop himself from making deals even when he's got solid players. He won't hesitate to just dump the best players on the team for garbage. And he's already done this... see Richard, Clayton and Hudson, Daniel. But somehow he kept Floyd and Danks, even though you just know he wants to dump them for Pedro as soon as he signs with Philly. And also, as soon as Danks and Floyd become free agents, they're going to be very expensive, because you started them so early. So, starting pitching, FAIL.
And then the bullpen. Oh god, the bullpen.
Bobby Jenks is really fat and dyes his facial hair. He also has a bad back, because he's fat. He's like David Wells, and is going down just like him. Matt Thornton was pretty good this year... until Jim Thome hit one to Robbinsdale and all of a sudden he had a shoulder problem. He's been absolute garbage before this year, and he will be again soon. That kid Sale throws all hurdy-gurdy, but the Twins seem to have figured him out, and it's not going to take long for the word to get out. JJ Putz looked good in Seattle, but you'd look good too in 19 games against both Oakland and Texas (when they sucked). Now he walks guys with the bases loaded because he can't figure out the rules of the game. Sergio Santos was heralded as the next big prick, but then in his last 7 games he has an ERA of 13.5. NOT GOING TO CUT IT, YOUNG MAN. Overall, their full failure this season is a direct result of a failed bullpen... not one guy stepped up and became unhittable, not one guy was competent at throwing the baseball. It all adds up to FAIL.
But you can't ignore the big one. Oh, make no mistake, this season was a strike-out in a lot of areas, but absolutely nothing personified it better than Manny Fucking Ramirez, and the Grand DH Experiment.
Let me get this right, Bitches: You let Jim Thome - the same Jim Thome who is capable of hitting baseballs to other states - walk away for nothing. In fact, you didn't "let" him do anything... you "forced" him out. He was told he was no longer needed, at all, not even at a discount. So he signed with the Twins... FOR HALF OF NICK PUNTO'S SALARY. Jim leads the Twins in both home runs and "Dicks Kicked". So, that was a great move. But, pray tell, who did you fill Jim's role with? MARK MOTHERFUCK KOTSAY?!?!?!? Holy bosephus, this does not compute. This wouldn't happen to be the 34 year old journeyman who never hit more than 17 home runs in a single season, would it? The guy who hasn't had over 50 RBI since 2006? Not him. Couldn't be him. Oh but it is. So now you've got Kotsay at DH, and of course he's failing, hard. So then you go out and be Kenny Williams, again, and get Manny Ramirez. You do a straight waiver claim, don't get the Dodgers to pay any of his salary, so now you owe him 4 million dollars for a month of baseball. He responds by:
1) Using Joey Cora as an interpreter in an interview, even though he speaks better english than Joey and perfectly understands every question posed to him.
2) Hitting only singles.
3) Not caring one single tiny bit if the White Sox win or lose.
And that's just it. Last year it was Griffey, which was funny because they played him in centerfield even though he sometimes falls down when he is jogging. And this year it is an aging Man-Ram, the man who thinks the current score of the baseball game is 4 to Q. You literally would've been better piling 4 million dollars on the pitchers mound in one dollar bills and lighting them aflame for all to see.
And so, ultimately, it's not about the positions. It's about the organization. You just can't get it right, can you? In the past 3 seasons, the Bitches are 1-11 against the Twins in September. This year, they went 5-13.
Your failure is complete. You go home now, like you always do. You go away, and you don't get to speak anymore. You lost.
Bring on the Hands-On-Head Bitch Sox fan, one last time...
But we don't move on without a proper sendoff. Cue the chuckwagons.
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The White Sox are a failure organization. They just are. They fail at most things. I was watching the game last night and someone I was with even commented "Their color scheme is even boring. Just black and white. Stupid." Yes. It is stupid. No color, no signature theme. Just stupid black and stupid white. But it goes so much further than that. Let's break it down.
(I will be addressing the White Sox directly in the second person, so get ready to feel uncomfortable)
Your catcher is old and is a free agent. You should've dumped him at the break. Now he walks for nothing. But even if you re-sign him, you'll pay a lot of money and get an old catcher. Your backup catcher can't quite fit into his jockstrap yet. The baby Jesus, he is not. His name is also Flowers. So, for the position of catcher, FAIL.
Your first baseman is having a great season. That's fun. He's also old and slow. He drops the ball at first base. He can't score from second on a hit to the outfield unless it runs a gap. AND, he's a free agent. So in order to get your old, not-going-to-be-hitting-like-this-for-one-more-season first baseman, you'll have to pay him more than he's worth. In the minors, you have nothing. He's been the only good player on your team this year, and Morneau is better. So, with regard to the position of first baseman, FAIL.
Speaking of, how perfectly poignant was it to see him take a clop in the chops last night? What symbolism. The Twins just hit the Bitches right in the mouth, just run a fastball right up into your pearly whites, and you spit blood, run to first, and suck your thumb. Then when the Twins come to bat, you lightly brush Cuddyer and he comes around to score. A punch in the face for the Bitches, then a light slap for the Twins, resulting in a run. Funny.
Your infield is duct-taped together, and is at its peak right now. Gordon Beckham broke his wrist/hand and you thought it was a great idea to bring him back early. He now can't hold the bat. Alexei played out of his ass in 2008, and has now regressed to average at best. Both of them have fielding issues. Third base is an utter mess... not one single player you have put in there has been good in any way. Mark Teahan is a joke at the plate, and yet is somehow even worse at fielding the baseball. This guy Morel is a minor league mainstay. And your utility infielder is Omar Vizquel, who is old and walks gingerly.
So, infield: FAIL.
Oh let's get to those outfielders. Right field: you let Jermaine Dye go because he was old and getting fat and couldn't field at all. Ok, fine. But now you have Quentin. And he's fat, and looks like he is taking a shit when he stands in the box, which is funny, because then he actually HITS like he's dumping a load. But here's the thing: he can't field either. He's got to be just as bad as JD. So that's fun. Then you've got centerfield. You split time between Alex Rios (who also looks like he's taking a dumper-doo up at the plate) and Andruw Jones. Jones runs away from the ball when it is hit to him. He is fat and old, and confused in the field. Alex Rios makes like 18 million dollars a year to look confused. He hits average, fields average, and makes as much as Torii. Then Pierre, the man who never met a single he didn't like. He's alright in the field, certainly better than any other garbage out there, but he slaps nothing but singles. He steals bases wonderfully, however. He is the best outfielder you have, which is funny, because he's barely good enough to start in the NL West. So, outfield, FAIL.
You completely lucked into your starting pitching, and are doing your best to throw it all away. Danks and Floyd are average guys who sometimes pitch well against Kansas City. They always lose to the Twins, always. They are your 3rd and 4th starters at best. Buerhle threw a perfect game and sometimes shuts down the Twins. But he's old. He can't be considered an ace. And then you went and traded away a promising youngster for Edwin Fucking Jackson, WHO COULDN'T CUT IT IN DETROIT. To round it all out, you mortgaged the future to get ahold of Jake Peavy, who was REALLY good pitching against Arizona and San Francisco, two teams who think the game ends when they score 2 runs. He tore a tit muscle and will be injured forever. Fortunately, you banked your entire future on this flame-out. The reason I say that you "lucked into" these guys is because Kenny Williams can't stop himself from making deals even when he's got solid players. He won't hesitate to just dump the best players on the team for garbage. And he's already done this... see Richard, Clayton and Hudson, Daniel. But somehow he kept Floyd and Danks, even though you just know he wants to dump them for Pedro as soon as he signs with Philly. And also, as soon as Danks and Floyd become free agents, they're going to be very expensive, because you started them so early. So, starting pitching, FAIL.
And then the bullpen. Oh god, the bullpen.
Bobby Jenks is really fat and dyes his facial hair. He also has a bad back, because he's fat. He's like David Wells, and is going down just like him. Matt Thornton was pretty good this year... until Jim Thome hit one to Robbinsdale and all of a sudden he had a shoulder problem. He's been absolute garbage before this year, and he will be again soon. That kid Sale throws all hurdy-gurdy, but the Twins seem to have figured him out, and it's not going to take long for the word to get out. JJ Putz looked good in Seattle, but you'd look good too in 19 games against both Oakland and Texas (when they sucked). Now he walks guys with the bases loaded because he can't figure out the rules of the game. Sergio Santos was heralded as the next big prick, but then in his last 7 games he has an ERA of 13.5. NOT GOING TO CUT IT, YOUNG MAN. Overall, their full failure this season is a direct result of a failed bullpen... not one guy stepped up and became unhittable, not one guy was competent at throwing the baseball. It all adds up to FAIL.
But you can't ignore the big one. Oh, make no mistake, this season was a strike-out in a lot of areas, but absolutely nothing personified it better than Manny Fucking Ramirez, and the Grand DH Experiment.
Let me get this right, Bitches: You let Jim Thome - the same Jim Thome who is capable of hitting baseballs to other states - walk away for nothing. In fact, you didn't "let" him do anything... you "forced" him out. He was told he was no longer needed, at all, not even at a discount. So he signed with the Twins... FOR HALF OF NICK PUNTO'S SALARY. Jim leads the Twins in both home runs and "Dicks Kicked". So, that was a great move. But, pray tell, who did you fill Jim's role with? MARK MOTHERFUCK KOTSAY?!?!?!? Holy bosephus, this does not compute. This wouldn't happen to be the 34 year old journeyman who never hit more than 17 home runs in a single season, would it? The guy who hasn't had over 50 RBI since 2006? Not him. Couldn't be him. Oh but it is. So now you've got Kotsay at DH, and of course he's failing, hard. So then you go out and be Kenny Williams, again, and get Manny Ramirez. You do a straight waiver claim, don't get the Dodgers to pay any of his salary, so now you owe him 4 million dollars for a month of baseball. He responds by:
1) Using Joey Cora as an interpreter in an interview, even though he speaks better english than Joey and perfectly understands every question posed to him.
2) Hitting only singles.
3) Not caring one single tiny bit if the White Sox win or lose.
And that's just it. Last year it was Griffey, which was funny because they played him in centerfield even though he sometimes falls down when he is jogging. And this year it is an aging Man-Ram, the man who thinks the current score of the baseball game is 4 to Q. You literally would've been better piling 4 million dollars on the pitchers mound in one dollar bills and lighting them aflame for all to see.
And so, ultimately, it's not about the positions. It's about the organization. You just can't get it right, can you? In the past 3 seasons, the Bitches are 1-11 against the Twins in September. This year, they went 5-13.
Your failure is complete. You go home now, like you always do. You go away, and you don't get to speak anymore. You lost.
Bring on the Hands-On-Head Bitch Sox fan, one last time...
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Alex Rios in centerfield, like Andruw Jones, dislikes catching baseballs hit towards him
One more out gets us out of the inning, guys! Oh no, a fly ball hit right to me...
Loooooooooooooong tuba note.
Hey Sox fan, what do you think?
Loooooooooooooong tuba note.
Hey Sox fan, what do you think?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I don't care for Matt Guerrier
Matt Guerrier is garbage, and I never trusted him, and I never will. He's one of those fucking jokers that just cannot be trusted.
Matt Guerrier sucks.
Matt Guerrier sucks.
Time to check the dip-stick
Perhaps tonight we'll measure for depth, width, and volume?
Thome wins at all 3.
Thome wins at all 3.
HA HA HA HA HA
Just go ahead and click to get the full size picture.
She ain't just a river in Egypt...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
4 1/2 Things To Know About The Sux
The Startribune ran a story with a similar name to this post, here. It pointed out, more or less, what we here on this blog have been saying for the last month. That is that the White Sox have little to no chance of catching the Twins. And while the article didn't really teach us anything new, it did make me want to do my own list of things to know the Southside Ass-clowns.
1. They're mouth breathers.
2. They're bad at life. Really bad.
3. Manny Ramirez isn't going to help ANYONE win ANYTHING. Not even a cockfight.
4. Ozzie Guillen isn't good at opening his mouth without saying something stupid.
4.5 They use their mouths to breath.
1. They're mouth breathers.
2. They're bad at life. Really bad.
3. Manny Ramirez isn't going to help ANYONE win ANYTHING. Not even a cockfight.
4. Ozzie Guillen isn't good at opening his mouth without saying something stupid.
4.5 They use their mouths to breath.
 |
| Remember when... (sad horns) |
Nearing "100% Probability"
What do you see out of the corner of your eye? Is that... FAILURE creeping up?
Nick Punto could also benefit from this idea
Delmon Young, on Jim Thome:
He's been hitting downtown too much lately. It's fun to watch. It's a tough act to follow because he's hitting balls 500 feet. To hit it farther is impossible, unless you're swinging from second base.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Let's do some graphs
Depending on which calculations you read, the Twins currently have about a 90% chance of winning the Central this year. As articulated by Mr. Kelly below, their path is easier than the White Sox, and they have that cushion to begin with. I thought we'd take a look at a few graphs showing playoff odds.
Let's start with the White Sox:
Hey rollercoaster! Surprisingly, for almost a month, they were over 50% to make the playoffs. But now, look at that fall. It kind of represents the White Sox as a whole, come to think of it: play real good for a month during the season and justify all their mouth-breathing fans, only to tank it when it counts. Saaaaaaaaaad horns.
Now let's take a look at the Twins:
Wow, they bottomed out in June and July. But that was when Morneau hurt his head, and then all of a sudden they started winning. Now they are streaking towards 100%. Typical Twins season, play around in the middle of the year, and then CLOSE HARD.
And, just for comedy, the Tigers:
That's what the machine looks like when they lose the patient.
-------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT: I'm taking this up a notch.
First, look at the Nationals from 2007. I don't think you could come up with a better description for this, other than, WEEEOMP
Next we have the Rockies from the same season. What a run to get back into it (and eventually go to the Series). They were pretty much a flat-line, and then it was off to the races...
And, finally, the Mets from 2007. Oh heavenly father, what an epic collapse
Let's start with the White Sox:
Hey rollercoaster! Surprisingly, for almost a month, they were over 50% to make the playoffs. But now, look at that fall. It kind of represents the White Sox as a whole, come to think of it: play real good for a month during the season and justify all their mouth-breathing fans, only to tank it when it counts. Saaaaaaaaaad horns.
Now let's take a look at the Twins:
Wow, they bottomed out in June and July. But that was when Morneau hurt his head, and then all of a sudden they started winning. Now they are streaking towards 100%. Typical Twins season, play around in the middle of the year, and then CLOSE HARD.
And, just for comedy, the Tigers:
That's what the machine looks like when they lose the patient.
-------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT: I'm taking this up a notch.
First, look at the Nationals from 2007. I don't think you could come up with a better description for this, other than, WEEEOMP
Next we have the Rockies from the same season. What a run to get back into it (and eventually go to the Series). They were pretty much a flat-line, and then it was off to the races...
And, finally, the Mets from 2007. Oh heavenly father, what an epic collapse
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Handicapping the Dog-Track
(you've just shanked another ball into the pond)
Tough break, kid.
Well, here we are, isn't that right? Breaking down the old American League central. I have to be honest here, I didn't think the White Sox had what it takes... especially in the not-running-it-down-the-leg department. But here we sit, and it's going down to the wire. I've been in a few of these in my day, and I've got to tell you that this Twins team is going to be ahead at the end of the season, that much I am sure of. The question is how they are going to get there. Let's get into it and break down how they should close this out, using dog-racing analogies, like only I know how.
DOG BETTING TIP #1 - Never take the dog on the rail if it's a slippery track
Sure kids, the White Sox look like they are pulling it all together for one big finish. They go out and get that son-of-a-bitch Ramirez and all of a sudden they are more powerful than the hometown boys. Well, let me tell you something here, they're on the rail and they're going to have to race like hell just to get into the lead. Know what happens when dogs on the rail push too hard?
You see the dog that just pushes forward after all that mayhem? That's the Twins.
DOG BETTING TIP #2 - Unlike horses, you want to bet on the dog that actually looks the skinniest and most malnourished
Why? Because he's chasing after food. You know when they pull the dogs into the little blue room to be shown in front of the closed-circuit prison camera? You want to bet on the one where you can see detailed outline of the ribs. A hungry dog will always close better. They can smell the meat at that distance. Me and Gil (that's a dog trainin' buddy of mine) used to go out and sprinkle a little gristle on the rabbit just to incite those dogs to finish hard. And boy, the hungry one would always sprint right at the end, just knowing they could get that sweet meat. The Twins are hungry this year, they know they were bred just for this type of stretch run, and Ron and the guys have kept them underfed all year. Now it's time to bust out and git that rabbit.
DOG BETTING TIP #3 - Bet on the dog that's been there before
The thing is, dogs with experience run more consistently. They know what it takes around each turn, and just how close they can get to the rabbit before they yank it away. An inexperienced dog will just bust after that thing full-bore for the first lap, and then his tongue is waggin' and he's heading in for some kibble. But the experienced dog knows that there is a t-bone waiting at the end if he just paces himself and takes each turn careful. The Twins are that dog: steady, deliberate, methodical. These are the dogs that you want to get to know their trainers. Because nothing beats going 4 for 4 on a Sunday at St. Croix.
--------------------------------------------------------
Now let's just have a look at the schedule difference between the Twins and White Sox. I'll give you which teams they'll be playing for the rest of the year, and separating these teams into a few categories. Blogger, don't fail me now...
Twins
If you wash the rest of the "middle" teams (and just assume that each team will play about .500), then it comes down to REALLY needing to beat the "good" teams. If the Twins can even get a game from Texas, then the White Sox will absolutely need to sweep the Twins to even keep it close. You see, by my classification system up there, the Twins are the only really good team they play. Every other team, besides KC and Cleve, will be roughly the same for each team. For example, if the Sox beat Boston loud, and take 6 games from them, then the Twins will be just as likely to do that against Detroit. There is no probability difference between those teams. And since they can't make hay against the garbage (and the Twins most decidedly CAN), then they really need to beat MN in all 3 games.
Kids, I'll leave you with one thought:
What do you think the fucking odds are of the White Sox sweeping the Twins when the games matter?
Tough break, kid.
Well, here we are, isn't that right? Breaking down the old American League central. I have to be honest here, I didn't think the White Sox had what it takes... especially in the not-running-it-down-the-leg department. But here we sit, and it's going down to the wire. I've been in a few of these in my day, and I've got to tell you that this Twins team is going to be ahead at the end of the season, that much I am sure of. The question is how they are going to get there. Let's get into it and break down how they should close this out, using dog-racing analogies, like only I know how.
DOG BETTING TIP #1 - Never take the dog on the rail if it's a slippery track
Sure kids, the White Sox look like they are pulling it all together for one big finish. They go out and get that son-of-a-bitch Ramirez and all of a sudden they are more powerful than the hometown boys. Well, let me tell you something here, they're on the rail and they're going to have to race like hell just to get into the lead. Know what happens when dogs on the rail push too hard?
You see the dog that just pushes forward after all that mayhem? That's the Twins.
DOG BETTING TIP #2 - Unlike horses, you want to bet on the dog that actually looks the skinniest and most malnourished
Why? Because he's chasing after food. You know when they pull the dogs into the little blue room to be shown in front of the closed-circuit prison camera? You want to bet on the one where you can see detailed outline of the ribs. A hungry dog will always close better. They can smell the meat at that distance. Me and Gil (that's a dog trainin' buddy of mine) used to go out and sprinkle a little gristle on the rabbit just to incite those dogs to finish hard. And boy, the hungry one would always sprint right at the end, just knowing they could get that sweet meat. The Twins are hungry this year, they know they were bred just for this type of stretch run, and Ron and the guys have kept them underfed all year. Now it's time to bust out and git that rabbit.
DOG BETTING TIP #3 - Bet on the dog that's been there before
The thing is, dogs with experience run more consistently. They know what it takes around each turn, and just how close they can get to the rabbit before they yank it away. An inexperienced dog will just bust after that thing full-bore for the first lap, and then his tongue is waggin' and he's heading in for some kibble. But the experienced dog knows that there is a t-bone waiting at the end if he just paces himself and takes each turn careful. The Twins are that dog: steady, deliberate, methodical. These are the dogs that you want to get to know their trainers. Because nothing beats going 4 for 4 on a Sunday at St. Croix.
--------------------------------------------------------
Now let's just have a look at the schedule difference between the Twins and White Sox. I'll give you which teams they'll be playing for the rest of the year, and separating these teams into a few categories. Blogger, don't fail me now...
Twins
- UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 12 games)
- MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, Oakland, Toronto, White Sox (total of 16 games)
- ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Texas (total of 3 games)
- UTTERLY GARBAGE TEAMS: Kansas City, Cleveland (total of 8 games)
- MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TEAMS THAT HAVE PROBLEMS WITH LIFE: Detroit, LA Angels, Boston, Oakland (total of 20 games)
- ACTUAL GOOD TEAMS THAT HAVE A FUTURE INVOLVING THE PLAYOFFS: Minnesota (total of 3 games)
If you wash the rest of the "middle" teams (and just assume that each team will play about .500), then it comes down to REALLY needing to beat the "good" teams. If the Twins can even get a game from Texas, then the White Sox will absolutely need to sweep the Twins to even keep it close. You see, by my classification system up there, the Twins are the only really good team they play. Every other team, besides KC and Cleve, will be roughly the same for each team. For example, if the Sox beat Boston loud, and take 6 games from them, then the Twins will be just as likely to do that against Detroit. There is no probability difference between those teams. And since they can't make hay against the garbage (and the Twins most decidedly CAN), then they really need to beat MN in all 3 games.
Kids, I'll leave you with one thought:
What do you think the fucking odds are of the White Sox sweeping the Twins when the games matter?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Morning Findings
It's so slow at work this morning that I decided it was time to sift through all the pictures on my hard drive. Well, as you may or may not have seen across my blog-o-verse, I've found a few I'm fond enough to share - or in some cases, re-share.
This is one of them.
This is one of them.
What I really like about this picture, besides the age is the path from the dugout to the batters box.
In the event that you get confused as to which way you're supposed to be going, they have convenient arrows to help you get there. Plus, it looks like the on-deck circles are about even with home plate. Seems a bit dangerous if you ask me.
Awesomeness.
In the event that you get confused as to which way you're supposed to be going, they have convenient arrows to help you get there. Plus, it looks like the on-deck circles are about even with home plate. Seems a bit dangerous if you ask me.
Awesomeness.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A break in the meal
(We take you to a conversation that took place at the home of Mr. Robert Uecker that occurred in the early evening...yesterday)
While Bob is in the can, I just want to thank you, Sue, for preparing that delicious meal. You name the German sausage, I love it. And thanks for the personal touch of soaking Fernando's brats in Carta Blanca.
Sí, gracias. Eso es mi cerveza predilecta, y estuvo deliciosos.
I think you and I, Nando, should have a bit of excitement in our post-dinner conversation before Sue pours one of my award winning wines. The Dodgers just came into town and swept the Brewers, showing everyone we're not out of it yet. There's a whole month of baseball left, and we're still making deals.
Muchos los jugadores más viejos que tenemos juegan fantástico.
You're telling me! You hear and read a lotta people saying bullshit like all of our pick-ups are guys washed up. Let me run down these stats for you!
Podsednik, batting .294, and he can actually run unlike other older left fielders. Theriot batting .295 and can run while getting a double play to help our cause. Lilly is 5-0 since joining us. And a few other guys are doing good...covering for our "superstars" who've turned to shit.
Yo no sé de conseguir el más cerca de Pittsburgh.
Me either. THAT's a position where if a guy is awful, it IS his fault. So rare for the Pirates to be winning a game, so if they blow it, it's on his fucking head. Why'd we get him? Fuck if I know. But Broxton has Albuquerque written all over him, I guess. (belch) Whoop, excuse me. But I'm glad we got three here. These guys we just got give a fuck, which is all I ask.
Perdone, Sue. ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño?
If you want to follow to bathroom after Uecker, it's your funeral. Hell, I feel bad for Sue...she prepared this fantastic meal, and all three of us will have destroyed it. Maybe I can hold out until we get to the airport...
Acabo de comer de terminar, Tommy.
Sorry, Fernando. Excuse me, Sue...do you know if there's a place in Milwaukee that sells gelato?
While Bob is in the can, I just want to thank you, Sue, for preparing that delicious meal. You name the German sausage, I love it. And thanks for the personal touch of soaking Fernando's brats in Carta Blanca.
Sí, gracias. Eso es mi cerveza predilecta, y estuvo deliciosos.
I think you and I, Nando, should have a bit of excitement in our post-dinner conversation before Sue pours one of my award winning wines. The Dodgers just came into town and swept the Brewers, showing everyone we're not out of it yet. There's a whole month of baseball left, and we're still making deals.
Muchos los jugadores más viejos que tenemos juegan fantástico.
You're telling me! You hear and read a lotta people saying bullshit like all of our pick-ups are guys washed up. Let me run down these stats for you!
Podsednik, batting .294, and he can actually run unlike other older left fielders. Theriot batting .295 and can run while getting a double play to help our cause. Lilly is 5-0 since joining us. And a few other guys are doing good...covering for our "superstars" who've turned to shit.
Yo no sé de conseguir el más cerca de Pittsburgh.
Me either. THAT's a position where if a guy is awful, it IS his fault. So rare for the Pirates to be winning a game, so if they blow it, it's on his fucking head. Why'd we get him? Fuck if I know. But Broxton has Albuquerque written all over him, I guess. (belch) Whoop, excuse me. But I'm glad we got three here. These guys we just got give a fuck, which is all I ask.
Perdone, Sue. ¿Dónde está el cuarto de baño?
If you want to follow to bathroom after Uecker, it's your funeral. Hell, I feel bad for Sue...she prepared this fantastic meal, and all three of us will have destroyed it. Maybe I can hold out until we get to the airport...
Acabo de comer de terminar, Tommy.
Sorry, Fernando. Excuse me, Sue...do you know if there's a place in Milwaukee that sells gelato?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Face
The big question here?
Is he clapping or was he trying to catch the ball?
Also, what's up with his buddy on the left?
And the girl behind him is having a laugh at his inability to properly be a baseball fan.
Is that Grabiel??
Monday, August 23, 2010
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