(a low grunt is heard, as someone is walking towards you with obvious effort)
Hey is anyone here going to Bullwinkle's for Old Style pitchers toni- Oh we're on? I did not know that. Hi folks, Coom Dog here, looking as svelte as ever, and ready to report on the upcoming series between the MN Motherfucking and the New York Yankees. I've pieced together this report from archival footage and interviews, along with a few "Bull" sessions with Gardy and TK, if you know what I mean.
(awkwardly winks)
Well let's get right into it here... I, Ron Coomer, present to you...
THE BALLAD OF THE 2010 MINNESOTA MOTHERFUCKING================================================
Last year was a fun one, there was no doubt about that. We had our downs, followed by our ups. The end of the season saw the White Sox doing what they do best - failing to tie their shoes and slipping on the dugout steps - and the Tigers collapse in epic fashion. Unfortunately, the road pretty much ended there, as the Twins went into New York and Joe Nathan had to pitch to Alex Rodriguez, and Mr. Rod hit one that hasn't landed yet.
Tom, what did you think about all that?
"You know Ron, that was a tough break. These guys deserve better, and after a few months at the dog track, I figured it out. We just gotta go get a few big sonbitches who can put the ball in the seats and you can't make any mistakes. You think Kirby gained all that weight on his own? Hell no! I was in there every day with a bowl of Lloyd's and extra Handi-Wipes to make sure he kept on target. You see them hips turn in 1992? I tell you, El Presidente doesn't run that one up in his eye socket, he's still puttin' balls into the Vikings locker room..."
Right, well, um, sure. (finishes kraut-dog he was eating while waiting for TK to stop talking)
Moving on, we've lost some talent over the past few years. Let's take a look at a few of the players the Twins sorely miss...
Hmmm.... I'm not so sure he has a shoulder or elbow anymore. I think it's mostly bovine pericardium at this point. So, that one's not so bad...
Oh right, like we miss a centerfielder who once allowed the ball to go by him and let Eric Chavez score an inside the park home run in the playoffs. Plus, he gets paid more in year than I made in the bigs. Ok, we didn't really lose a lot of guys in the offseason. We definitely went out and got some hogs though.
But then spring training started, and things... well they took a turn:
That's a picture of Joe Nathan explaining that his elbow actually came undone on that A-rod homerun, and he never told anyone about it because no one bothered to ask.
So the Twins started the season with Jon Rauch as their closer. Jon had done pretty well in his most recent stint of closing, which was for Arizona, a team that might not even exist anymore. Jon really proved himself while keeping the 6-7-8 hitters in check at the ends of meaningless games against San Francisco and San Diego. But was he ready for the big time?
No. He wasn't.
But it didn't matter because we had so many hogs on this team. The season was going along great, with everyone playing very well and another championship looking all but wrapped up. But then, some jokers in blue pajamas decided enough was enough...
With an intentional knee to the head, Justin Morneau was lost for the season. GIVE 'IM THE SMELLING SALTS!!!
(eats spoonful of relish)
But the Twins did what they have recently become very good at... they won. They won almost all the time. The White Sox won a few times, but not enough, and I don't think the Tigers won another game the rest of the year. It all added up to the sweet stuff flowing like swee-berry wine:
And that's when the interviews come in. Let's go around the locker room and see if anyone has any of their Blimpie left.
I mean, "interview" them. We'll start with Joe:
"DIESEL TALL BOYS, WOOOOOOOO!!!! You know Ron, it's been a pretty good year for me, what with hitting the ass out of the ball all the time, and being pretty much the best athlete in this state's history. They really should just give me the MVP every year, because there isn't a more important, special player in all of the land. Also, check out my new rap CD, it's coming out next November titled '2 On, 2 Out, And A Big Fat Di-'"
-- OK, thank you Joe! Let's move over to Slowey. Kevin, I understand you are a major league pitcher with the last name of "Slowey". Is this true?
"Yeah, well, HOW'S ABOUT A BOGGS LITE OVER YOUR EGG-HEAD, HUH EGG-HEAD?!?!?!?"
Carl, come on over here and tell us what you learned this season:
"I learned that you can buy a certain kind of hat. Let's just say this hat "offers" something to people. And this "offer" you are making only costs a quarter. Let's say this is some kind of "ride" that you are "offering". Well, I bought one of these hats, but I didn't have the necessary gear to "follow through" with my "offer"."
So, what did you do?
"I grew the gear, daddy-o! And look at me now. I used to walk through the neighborhood and couldn't give it away. Now it's coming in like I'm the youngest one in a boy-band. All because of Señor Saddlebrush here."
Fantastic outlook on life, thanks Carl.
(opens mouth to catch some sprayed Bud Heavy)
That's got a good flavor. Moving on, Delmon, how have you been able to have the year you have had, and especially without throwing a bat at an umpire or a family member?
"Hurry hurry and step right up, the best show on earth, EPMD and Word Up! And featuring the man on the cut / He who don't believe can get the Macadamia NUTS!!!!"
Fantastic. I'm going to head outside and talk to some children who seem to be enjoying themselves:
"DUDE GET THE FUCKS OFF ME!!!"
"Nah brah, check this out... this broseph right here, this is the guy!"
"Holla!"
"Yo yo, we're on our way to Sinners, anybody got free passes?"
"Shit dogg, I got some at last week's Vikes game, but my buddy took em! Then my other buddy comes up and is all 'Where them passes at?' I'm like 'Hell nah brah, I ain't--"
You literally are the douchiest human beings on the planet. I'm going to head back inside. Ron, I know you and I share the same first name and pant size, I wanted to ask you about what it means to win again, like you always do, against the White Sox when it matters-
"That's a pretty good baseball team over there. We've been playing pretty good baseball. We have to go out and see if--SWEET MARY MAGDALENE THAT IS COLD"
Denard, not many people picked you guys to go all the way this year... wait is that true? Did people think you were good, or not?
"HA HA!!!! TOLD Y'ALL! Y'ALL DIDN'T LISTEN!!!! I TOLD Y'ALL!!!! STOOD RIGHT HERE AND SAID IT! CAROLINA AND THE TEAM OVER!!!! I DONE SAID IT AND NO ONE LISTEN-- HEY MAN GIT YOUR HANDS OFF MY SHOES THESE IS SNAKEBELLY!"
Orlando, you have stayed somewhat healthy all year. It's a huge surprise to most of us who expected you to break into two pieces by the all-star break. How have you been able to stay on the field?
"It's the underwater goggs, fool! I learned this from Torii back in the day. Ain't no Cooks going to run up in these buggers! But seriously, Ron, I just want to tell you all about some of the clowns we got on this team right here the Minnesota Twins we come out with Big Jim Jam and he done hit five eighty of em and gonna hit more when and if he don't get the respect then you got Kubes he ain't just a--"
Ok, if I let you keep talking you will never stop. Let's move on down the line... hey is that big Jim Thome? Jim, you hit two triples this year. That's actually an impossible act, something that could only happen in a fairyland. How do you explain it?
"RAH RAH SIS-BOOM-BAH!!! I'll tell you one thing..."
(waits)
"This ORGANIZATION has taken ALL of the STEPS to bring a WINNER to this STATE. I just KNOW all the guys in this LOCKER ROOM are proud of the WAY we played and we're GOING to keep GOING FORWARD."
That's outstanding. Well, I'm about to shove off to seven corners and see if I can't scare up a few young- Wait, is that Matt? Matt! Git the hell over here you old dog! How you been?
"Sooooooooo-ey!!!! Highty Tighty Whiteys boys! Is this goin on the blog?!?! Herkimer Jones, I'm ripped off the Diesel! Ron, Ron, get in close here, I gotta whisper somethin' to ya..."
(whispers in ear, Ron bursts into laughter)
"And she said she done already did it to Fetters a few years back!!!!!! You believe that?!?!?! Anyway boys, hell it's gonna be a ball-bustin ride from here on out. We got our work cut out for us in those damn Yankees, but you know somethin? My daddy always told me you gotta do the work you was assigned, and ain't no gittin around it. And if that work means throwing a gas-pass right at Gardner's face, well sir, I ain't a backin' down. I'll put a rawhide in that bitch Jeter's mush if I have to, and I know e'ryone else out in that bullpen'd do the same. Boys, we're ready. We're as ready as Ron here is to git at that first pitcher of Heileman's. You can't stop what's comin. That's vanity.
On three everyone, let's whip em out and measure for width, mass and volume...
One....
Two.......................................
