"Here's the two-two to Kubel and it's A HIGH DRIVE TO DEEP HOLY JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY CHRIST IT'S A THREE RUN HOGG!!"
Thursday, July 31, 2008
JOHN GORDON JUST LOST HIS MIND
Sunday, July 27, 2008
August
Let's take a look at the Twins schedule in August. I'll assume the Twins will go into August back 3.5 games.
Indians (2-1)
Mariners/Royals (5-1)
Yankees (1-2)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Angels/Mariners/Athletics (6-4)
19 wins 9 losses
Lots of games against a "major league baseball team" from Seattle. Good thing.
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How about the White Sox in August?
Royals (2-1)
Tigers (2-1)
Red Sox (1-3)
Royals (2-1)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Rays (2-1)
Orioles (2-2)
Red Sox (0-3)
16 wins 13 losses
The White Sox play real teams like the Red Sox.
Looks like the Twins should be even at the end of August.
His name is Liriano. Get there.
Indians (2-1)
Mariners/Royals (5-1)
Yankees (1-2)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Angels/Mariners/Athletics (6-4)
19 wins 9 losses
Lots of games against a "major league baseball team" from Seattle. Good thing.
-------
How about the White Sox in August?
Royals (2-1)
Tigers (2-1)
Red Sox (1-3)
Royals (2-1)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Rays (2-1)
Orioles (2-2)
Red Sox (0-3)
16 wins 13 losses
The White Sox play real teams like the Red Sox.
Looks like the Twins should be even at the end of August.
His name is Liriano. Get there.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A Comprehensive List Of Problems On The Current Minnesota Twins Baseball Team
This has been a great year, far surpassing expectations and giving many of us hope for the future. It has also been a year in which we've had to endure looking at Brendan Harris' face. With that in mind, allow me to comment on the problems that this Twins team currently has:
1. Nick Punto is allowed to play baseball on a regular basis.
His life is one horrible failure after another. As Nani once put it, he's just not quite good enough in so many areas of athletic competition, it leads to a sinking feeling every time I see his face. I will give him points for being incredibly stupid though, because that means he fits right in with this team.
2. Jesse Crain can't do anything well.
We really could use a guy to come into the game in the 7th or 8th inning and leave without giving up 8 runs. That would be really quite nice. A guy that doesn't walk everyone he faces. A guy who doesn't telegraph every pitch. A guy who can throw a strike without it being right down the middle. Jesse Crain is not this guy.
3. Carlos Gomez plays the game like a small child, and that's not a good thing.
Eventually, he's going to have to figure out a way to hit a baseball.
4. Livan Hernandez is fat.
It's really going to suck when he peels off 4 starts in a row where he gives up 8 runs a piece. Because that's coming. But, of course, maybe Liriano will be allowed up when that happens, so that might be a good thing. Liriano stays in the vegetable aisle, while Livan goes straight for the boxed dinner section.
----------------------------------------------------
The bottom line is that occasionally, the collective stupidness of the team works against them, as it has been when they play against good teams. Smart pitchers can easily take them apart, because all you really have to do is know exactly what they are going to swing at, and throw something that looks like it. You see it happen to Gomez every time up. The upside of this is that with the team so dumb, I'm not sure they even remember that they played a game yesterday. That should help the swings on Friday.
1. Nick Punto is allowed to play baseball on a regular basis.
His life is one horrible failure after another. As Nani once put it, he's just not quite good enough in so many areas of athletic competition, it leads to a sinking feeling every time I see his face. I will give him points for being incredibly stupid though, because that means he fits right in with this team.
2. Jesse Crain can't do anything well.
We really could use a guy to come into the game in the 7th or 8th inning and leave without giving up 8 runs. That would be really quite nice. A guy that doesn't walk everyone he faces. A guy who doesn't telegraph every pitch. A guy who can throw a strike without it being right down the middle. Jesse Crain is not this guy.
3. Carlos Gomez plays the game like a small child, and that's not a good thing.
Eventually, he's going to have to figure out a way to hit a baseball.
4. Livan Hernandez is fat.
It's really going to suck when he peels off 4 starts in a row where he gives up 8 runs a piece. Because that's coming. But, of course, maybe Liriano will be allowed up when that happens, so that might be a good thing. Liriano stays in the vegetable aisle, while Livan goes straight for the boxed dinner section.
----------------------------------------------------
The bottom line is that occasionally, the collective stupidness of the team works against them, as it has been when they play against good teams. Smart pitchers can easily take them apart, because all you really have to do is know exactly what they are going to swing at, and throw something that looks like it. You see it happen to Gomez every time up. The upside of this is that with the team so dumb, I'm not sure they even remember that they played a game yesterday. That should help the swings on Friday.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Mustard Stains
(Applause)
Thank you. Thank you. No, really, thank YOU.
I'm happy to be here, and so it this gentleman:
Never under estimate the importance of the cheese cup. Seriously.
Anyways, with the All-Star break over and done with - Josh Hamilton won the homerun derby AND the All-Star game, right? - we can finally move onto the rest of the season. We find our beloved Twins only 1.5 games behind the hated White Sox for first place in the Central Division. It's always nice to have our team relevant throughout the year - I don't tire of hearing Peter Gammons gloat about our little Twinsies and how the Baby Jesus's swing is the best thing since Ted. Are they going to make the playoffs? Maybe. Win a World Series? Probably not, but who cares!? After losing Torii and Johan everyone counted us out til 2010. Gomez wasn't supposed to do anything productive, except eat Skittles and give Gardy a heart attack. Casilla wasn't supposed to be in baseball. But here we are, with two little psychos tearing it up on a nightly basis, making it very fun and exciting to watch the Twins play. Hopefully the remainder of this season will provide a very solid starting ground for this here Twins blog.
Worst case scenario, I guess, would be a lot of talk of fat players and their respective eating/success problems.
"Eat Hog!"
Er, I mean "Play Ball!"
Thank you. Thank you. No, really, thank YOU.
I'm happy to be here, and so it this gentleman:
Never under estimate the importance of the cheese cup. Seriously.
Anyways, with the All-Star break over and done with - Josh Hamilton won the homerun derby AND the All-Star game, right? - we can finally move onto the rest of the season. We find our beloved Twins only 1.5 games behind the hated White Sox for first place in the Central Division. It's always nice to have our team relevant throughout the year - I don't tire of hearing Peter Gammons gloat about our little Twinsies and how the Baby Jesus's swing is the best thing since Ted. Are they going to make the playoffs? Maybe. Win a World Series? Probably not, but who cares!? After losing Torii and Johan everyone counted us out til 2010. Gomez wasn't supposed to do anything productive, except eat Skittles and give Gardy a heart attack. Casilla wasn't supposed to be in baseball. But here we are, with two little psychos tearing it up on a nightly basis, making it very fun and exciting to watch the Twins play. Hopefully the remainder of this season will provide a very solid starting ground for this here Twins blog.
Worst case scenario, I guess, would be a lot of talk of fat players and their respective eating/success problems.
"Eat Hog!"
Er, I mean "Play Ball!"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
CHRISTIAN GUZMAN IS AN ALL STAR
I JUST SAW HIM IN THE DUGOUT FOR THE NATIONAL LEAGUE ALL STAR TEAM. HE'S AN ALL STAR. AT BASEBALL. GUZMAN.
Monday, July 14, 2008
They Think I'm Slow, Eh?
Canadians hit more home runs than drug addicts.
We were all just waiting for the proof.
We were all just waiting for the proof.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
A Few Items From Today's Contest
1. Miguel Cabrera is fat.
2. Gary Sheffield ain't what he used ta be.
3. Brian Buscher and Brendan Harris are WAY too stupid to be any worse than they are.
4. The Tigers have had a "rough go" this year. By that I mean... the two guys they got from Florida have kissed the pavement, and their "big free agent", Jacque Jones, recently signed where? Florida. Where he was RELEASED AGAIN.
5. The Motherfucking - can't stop, won't stop.
2. Gary Sheffield ain't what he used ta be.
3. Brian Buscher and Brendan Harris are WAY too stupid to be any worse than they are.
4. The Tigers have had a "rough go" this year. By that I mean... the two guys they got from Florida have kissed the pavement, and their "big free agent", Jacque Jones, recently signed where? Florida. Where he was RELEASED AGAIN.
5. The Motherfucking - can't stop, won't stop.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Don't you love Twins blogs?
Well, this one will contain less talk about Craig Monroe and more about food.
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