Twins Status Report or "Why This Thing's Going To Be Easier To Take Than We Think"

The Twins are back in first, and it's about goddamned time. If you've watched them since June, you've known that this day was inevitable, as predetermined as them winning the division.

That's right. It's not only likely, it is their destiny.

Comparisons to year's past will come and go, but let's not lose sight of what is happening collectively as a team. Yes, you can draw parallels between now and 2006, 2004, hell even 2002. But those people don't live here anymore. This is a team without a true #1 starter, without a true lead-off man, and besides Justin and Joey Joe Joe, a team without any true hitter that has proven himself for extended periods of time. Forget everything you knew about Twins teams of yesteryear. Here are some observations as to why and how the Twins are in this position right now, and why they are all but guaranteed to win the division this year.

Oh, and lyrics from The Predator, to help you along.

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"Nigga with the third album, how come he don't fall off?"

First of all, our thinking about this whole thing has been wrong all year. For those of us who watched 4 young children and a big fat man open the season as the rotation, we were all waiting for the "learning curve" to set in, and for these guys to "take their lumps" and see which of them would survive down the road.

For us, the pessimists, Nick Blackburn would like a few words.

When I see these 4 young colts grabbing the ball and shoving it down the throats of opponents, I'm reminded - as I am in MANY Twins situations - that they are FAR too stupid to know how to lose consistently. They throw strikes. Then they throw strikes more. Then, when they have the bases loaded, they throw it right down the pipe and get you to ground out. They don't stop and think about what might happen, consider the chances that if a grounder to the right side.... whatever. They throw strikes. They may not strike opponents out at a wonderful clip, but they trust their defense and they never get rattled. In the effort to compare this year to year's past, I ask you... where is the Carlos Silva in this bunch? Where is the Kyle Lohse? Where is the guy who lacks the mental capacity for pitching, to such a degree that he routinely acts out on the field and in the clubhouse, and who can't put a runner on first without peeing in his pants? I'll tell you where they are... in Seattle and St. Louis. And good goddamned riddance.

I believe the point of this is to say: there is absolutely no way this team is "falling off" in any sense of the phrase. They may drop a few in a row, and they may slightly slump, but their pitching is too consistent to break. We're in August... if it were to happen, it would've happened by now.

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"I'm almost certain I'm a put on the hurtin / Bitch, it's curtains"

Cleveland.

Wow, that sure did blow up, didn't it? Dazzle talked today about how he saw the Indians come in to take fielding practice this morning and he saw them lazing around in the outfield and how the coaching staff was not hitting them "game speed" ground balls but rather slow rollers that they casually flipped about the infield. He said he noticed a huge difference between them and the Twins, and the way they got after it both before the game and during. To me, I've seen the same thing from this team all year long, and curse you if you put their wasted season on a few injuries. They went from being a game away from the World Series last year (a game they had 3 chances to win) to basically starting over next year. Cy Young winner, gone. Bullpen in absolute shambles. Starting rotation who can't seem to do anything well (unless your last name is Sowers and you get to pitch against the Twins). And a group of position players who like Hot Dogs more than they like playing baseball. Seriously, Jhonny Peralta? Instead of a major league baseball player, I see a guy who likes the monthly "special" at Mannings: Schooner of Grainbelt, specialty burger and plate of fries for 10 bucks. Now they stake their future on Cliff Lee (decent), Victor Martinez (overweight and doesn't like trying), Hafner (the eyes, dear god, the eyes) and Sizemore ("meet you at the Bulldog for Buckhunter, puss!"). What looked like a bright future a year ago now looks like the bottom of the central for at least this year and next.

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"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time / But I'm rollin, so that's a fucked up slogan"

Detroit made some pretty big moves in the offseason, and boy oh boy, did we ever hear about them. First, they "won" the Dontrelle Willis sweepstakes. And with that, they also "won" the Miguel Cabrera sweepstakes. To top it all off, they were able to sign Mr. Jacque Jones aka Mr. Can't Seem To Settle On An Approach At The Plate aka Mr. Everything I Ever Learned, I Learned From Torii Hunter Including Swinging At Sliders. What a glorious offseason!

Flash forward to right now. They traded away Pudge, for Kyle Farnsworth, which should be the punchline to a joke but it is not. Miguel Cabrera has proven himself to be a winner... at buffets all over the Detroit metro. And Dontrelle Willis may never be good again, and he will NEVER be great. Oh, and it took them all of a month to release Jacque Jones, who is currently being paid good money to not play baseball.

The Tigers have enough depth in both starting pitching and slugging to keep them afloat, but their problems have been their complete inability to stay consistent in any one facet of the game and the fact that their closer was a 40 year old rock'n'roller who was never really that good even when he was supposedly good, if that makes sense. Injuries are no fun, but again, shame on you if you think the Tigers season was derailed by injuries. It was derailed by coming too damn close to winning it all in 2006, and making silly moves since then.

Good thing you didn't give up everything in your minor leagues for two players who contribute next to zero for your team. Wait...

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"Goddamn, another fuckin payback with a twist, the motherfuckers shot but the punks missed"

And so that brings us to the White Sox.

Today was perfect. Just absolutely perfect. It represented the vast difference in talent, intelligence, management and collective mentality between the organizations. In fact, down to more fine of a point, I would say if you were looking for a microcosm of why the White Sox are absolutely doomed to failure this year, look no further than AJ's hair.

There are many reasons why it's a long slide down from here for the White Sox, but I'll hit a few. First, the bullpen is absolutely garbage, just trash that should be brought to the dump. Boone Logan likes to turn around and watch balls go over the fence. Matt Thornton hates getting people out. Wasserman is a knuckle dragger. As Dazzle said on the radio as the Twins were winning the inevitable 3rd of 4, I know that they have low ERAs and that the unit as a whole has had success. But I'm looking at them right now and saying they are not very good.

Me too, Danny.

Then they go get Griffey, which caused me to laugh for 2 minutes unbroken.

I watched his second game, against KC, yesterday. Early in the game he made a "diving catch" (it was more like a "stumbling catch", but he's a HOF centerfielder, so whatever). This was a play that almost every centerfielder would've made simply by jogging in towards the infield and catching it on the run. Griffey just BARELY got there. Of course, this elicited the usual "That's A Hall Of Famer Right There" talk, which is what you say if you're not very smart and like doughnuts more than thinking. But that's fine, it's Griffey, so yeah. But then the next inning, a lazy flyball was hit out between the shortstop and centerfield. It was very high, and the wind was insignificant. The shortstop, thinking that the centerfielder would be making this catch, elected to not even chase the ball. Neither did any other player. Griffey, in what could only be described as a "hitched gait", careened towards the ball, and pulled up about 20 feet short. The ball dropped onto the outfield grass like a duck during hunting season. The comments that followed were predictable - "There's nothing he could do" - but I have to tell you, he is going to cost the Sox many more runs than he is going to produce. And that's assuming that he DOES produce any, which remains to be seen. Overall, getting Griffey was the equivalent of getting Bonds, except at least you can DH Bonds. You can't do anything with Griffey. You've already got two good corner outfielders, neither of which can play centerfield. Hey! Let's go get a guy who can BARELY PLAY ANY OUTFIELD POSITION! He did it 18 years ago! Why not give it another shot????

In their favor, the Sox have a decently balanced lineup and experience flashes of quality starting pitching. Contreras being hurt does help them, because he likes to throw it to the backstop. But this team is built for implosion. The frustration and pressure on them has mounted, once again, and the team that is going after them this year is the one team that represents everything that they are not. It's the one team that the Sox will be unable to vanquish, because they are built for stretch runs. It's the one team that does not allow the failings of the White Sox to go unpunished.

They had their run, and when the Twins pulled up in the rearview, they needed to take off and create some distance. They shot, but they missed. And now they brawl with the Royals after beaning a batter to force home the seventh run of the game. The blade is falling, and there will be no pardon.

You can't stop what's coming.

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And if that's not reason enough:





Done.