Hardy Gomez

It is a little known fact grandson Joe just wants to win. Just wants to play for a team that has a chance right out of spring training. Knows "The Brass" will do something positive at the trade deadline. Top of the food chain, not looking at the bottom line. This trade makes me excited and scared all at the same time.

What did we do wrong with Gomez? It has been pointed out many times by the TV that you can't teach speed. OK. He covered center field very well, but couldn't chase down second base . . . it seemed at all. I wrote about that before. Maybe the Brewers can bunt a player over better than the Twins (not that hard). That would require Gomez to be on base, though. So they teach him to learn the pickoff moves of a pitcher better than we did. Cool. How about hitting? If Gomez simply learns how to GET ON BASE (single, infield single, bunt, walk, hit by pitch, strikeout that gets to the backstop) . . . anything, the Brewers have something. If he doesn't, he will be batting with the pitcher protecting him in the line-up since it the NATIONAL LEAGUE.

Hardy. The excitement says we get production out of this position. Maybe a few more errors than we are used to, but someone that bats closer to .300 than .200. Has power. Has shown what he can do. The scared part says . . . ????? . . . last year is a sign of things to come or he can barely pass his physical or I don't know. Is Joe's friend, that's a plus. Keep Joe happy.

They didn't want to pay Cameron, so they got a replacement and they got some up and comer for shortstop so Hardy could go. We wanted a replacement for Cabrera and had an extra outfielder. OK. Everyone is happy.

I typed in "Hardy Gomez" to get reaction to this trade. I guess there is this Melvin guy no one likes for Brewer fans. Also, a comment, which I can't find anymore, talked about how this was a good trade because Gomez has potential and let's stop right there. 75% chance this guy will be sad this year. 100% I wrote something like that about Gomez last year. He/She went on to say that the Brewers can now spend the money they would have spent on Cameron for starting pitching.

That right there is the dimension we don't get as a Twins fan. Spending money. Money not spent doesn't get recycled back into the team, it goes into The Pocket and doesn't ever come out.

This trade might work out for both teams, but right now I have to say the Twins did better. Bill Smith, thumbs up.

The Female War. What females will switch to Hardy t-shirts and not wear Mauer t-shirts?

Almost forgot, when you type in "Hardy Gomez" into Google, a top 10 hit is Hardy Gomez's facebook site. Probably had no idea why he was getting hits from the Upper Midwest.

Get there.

Joe's Grandpa Expects Big Things in '10

Fired Up, Ready To Go

What you see here is Orlando Cabrera, knocking Ron Gardenhire clear on his ass after the 7th inning dong.

Then, later in the game, OC just flat out turns around after a questionable strike and talks shit right to Randy Marsh.

The fucking sack on this guy. Good stuff.

I Love Baseball and the United States of America

(We now turn to baseball legend Tommy Lasorda for his 2009 Playoff preview!)

How sweet it is! The fruits of victory! After a down spell that I'd like to chalk up to boredom, the Dodgers won the National League West for the second year in a row. That's right! The last time that happened, I was the manager. It's been a while, but it feels good!

Before I get to my thoughts on the Cardinals, I'd like to congratulate the Giants on a fine year. What? They didn't make the playoffs? Typical. The Cards can give us some hits...a bunch of young guys that can hit well. Pooholes, Schumaker, Holliday. Kind of like us. And, like us, they've got a couple good starters, but whoever they're going to start third...I'm not scared. When it comes to an even match-up, I'll take the Dodgers. They win close games. They come from behind and take the win from the other team. We play 'em even on the road, and we've got it.

Ah, thank you, honey. That's my beautiful wife, handing me another glass of my sensational wine. Remember what the sommelier said: "If rubies had flavor, this is what it would taste like."

Now, I know this is a "blog" about the Minnesota Twins, so let me congratulate them as well. The way they showed grit and guts over this past month to get into the playoffs is tremendous! And to that point, I want to speak to the fucking writers of this site. After my last post, I was reading one from some guy named Drew Barreiro, and he's saying the Twins don't "deserve" to make the playoffs. What is this horseshit? Let me tell you boys something: You deserve what you get. And I don't give a fuck what you get...if you get it, you deserve it, one way or another.

You know who deserved to win the World Series in 1983? The fucking Dodgers, that's who. But, the Wheeze Kids were the better team in the NLCS...I guess. The better team wins the fucking games, because even those who are favored have to live with the fact that they blew it. When you blow games the way Detroit did, you are no longer the better team. You don't deserve to win and go on to the playoffs.

I just ask for one favor. One thing...that's all I can ask of the Twins. Beat those fucking Yankees! Maybe tear up the locker room or something, I don't know. You do what you got to do. Those of you in Los Angeles, see you tomorrow night for game 1!

What the fuck ever

I don't believe this at all. This didn't happen.

I'm going to wake up any minute.

Well done, guys.

I tried to keep the faith towards the entire season, but fell off (on? the bad one) wagon sometime a couple posts ago. A banner is a banner. Good job. Somehow you guys pulled it out and that is impressive. That's all I got.

Randy Marsh is a shithead

Randy Marsh sucks at life.

This just makes me hate the Vikings more

Ok, this is just... there's no goddamned explanation to any of this.

To Dickfer below, I was not surprised to see the Twins nearly lose that 10 run lead and have to pitch Nathan. Remember the Oakland game? That's where the shit just absolutely broke for me... I haven't been the same since. They didn't even get that game to extras. Nathan didn't even sniff it. It was nothing but Grrrr and Crain and FAIL ALL OVER THE PLACE. And today's game? When Big Boy Rauch had to strikeout Royal Fats? Whatever. I have no CNS.

I will tell you this though: nearly throughout this entire season, I have proclaimed that the Twins do not deserve to win this division. The way they played against the garbage of the AL was not befitting a playoff team. Seriously, they would wet themselves against guys like Sowers and I think we even lost a game against Ponson this year too. Didn't Paul Byrd win against us too? Point being, when a team just can't score runs against horrible starters, then I don't like them, and I don't want to see them rewarded for their inconsistency.

But that's all changed now. I'm ready to rescind that. Because for the last 20 games, it's been nuts on the table for all to see. It's been "Hey, I know we haven't been playing the greatest this season, but see, I've got this 14 inch Hickory Farms 'neath my belt, andddddddddddd..." Guys like Span and Cuddyer don't give a fuck about A) you B) jail C) your sister. Actually, they do care about C, because it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.

You see what is happening around here? There is no logical explanation to any of this... besides Joe leading the league in hitting, all of it is an aberration. Seriously, does anyone see Cuddy as a 45 homer guy? Well, if he played at this pace, he would be. How is that possible? He likes to foul out more than Denny Hocking. All of a sudden he's fucking Jackson.

Whatever. Let's just go into the Metrodome on Wednesday afternoon with our pants down. Because someone needs a kiss, and it ain't Mr. Lips.

I will say this in the way of honest analysis... the Detroit Tigers are absolutely fucking garbage, and as much as the Twins didn't deserve to win the title for the first 5.5 months of the season, it's TEN FOLD that amount how much Detroit deserves to lose it now. Because all they had to do was beat the fuck White Sox who DON'T ENJOY PLAYING BASEBALL ANYMORE. And if you can't do that, then you don't deserve a goddamned thing. Their problems are many, but I think the main one is that they can't score any runs unless they are gifted, and they have more fat players than non-fat. There, solved.

So, let's go. Or something. I really couldn't give a shit at this point. It is what it is, and we hold no dominion over any of it.

Oh god are the balls blue

Listen folks, it is about 2 AM in the land of the Great White (as the kids are calling it these days), and I have some things I need to get off my chest.

Just stop it. OK? Stop it. Who is this "Delmon Young" player? What if "Delmon" gets hot?

WHAT IF A MLB TEAM DOESN'T HAVE TO USE THEIR CLOSER AFTER BEING UP TEN TO ROCK?

Dear Mijares, you have sauce on your pitches . . . go for the plate, not the player. OK?

There should be a playoff game at the Dome on Tuesday (not Monday because of another sport) because the Dome sucks and it is one last FU to us all. That makes sense, doesn't it?

I haven't figured out if Zach/Zack will get steamrolled on Saturday because who knows? If we win, Detroit wins, if we lose Detroit loses. As a Minnesota Pro Sports Fan, you are just so close, but not.

Peavey will be treat to play against next year.

Oh the humanity.

I'm sorry, did you just walk Adam Everett?

Then it is true.

You do not deserve it, and you should go home.

Shall we measure for length, or width?

I guess she's about even then.

I think I see the problem here, White Sox

Well, this man right here is your catcher.


So, honey wings, orrrrrrrrrrr?

¡Un festival para todos!

(We now take you live to the legendary El Compadre in Hollywood for this urgent update)


Hey Fernando, how about this? If the mariachis will allow me, I'm going to do their take on "The Godfather." That all right by you?

Haha! Eso esta bien por mi, el brinco.

You know, for the past month, you've heard a lot of junk about our team. After the all star game we had a kind of fade going on. It was like getting Steve Sax to figure out how to put fucking bologna on a piece of bread. And there's Jim Tracy, a former Dodger manager...got respect for him. But you all know they couldn't catch us. Speaking of Tracy, his old team, sad sack Pirates came in and we swept them. That's what we do.

Eso segundo juego fue cercano.

Yeah, I know. But you can't possibly think I gave them a fucking chance, do you? You'd be bored too, especially when you gotta play the fucking Pirates when you know where you're going.

La serie grande esta fin de semana.

It always is when the Giants come to town...and we'd better be pumped. I know our energy level will be up for those guys. Then, it's back to playing the pits of the world before the end of the season. Just how it is...hell, I remember one time in 1985...all those fucking Reds thought they had the division, and we took it. Same kind of shit. Hey, here's our waiter! This looks great! Yeah, two more flaming margaritas.

Comamos!

OK, time for lunch...you guys leave me alone. You know how important food is to me. Boys, get out there and make it happen!

Well, that will about do it

Just like 2008, which was also just like 2005, the maddening inconsistency of the Twins will do them in again this year. We had a brief uptick in potential these past two weeks. That ended with Mr. Nathan turning around and watching two pigs go over the wall. That they followed it up with a horrible dog-piss game against Cleveland, who does not employee a single player who should be above AAA, is not a surprise. All season this has been a team held together by duct tape and Joe Mauer. And now it's all coming undone.

There is not just one thing that is wrong with this team, there are many. It's only because of the utter horseshit-ness of the White Sox and Tigers that the Twins were able to compete for this long... their season should have been over in mid-July. Here are a list of reasons I see for the Twins failures this year.

1. Carlos Gomez - Fun To Watch, Awful At Playing Baseball

Wow, this is a man who does not understand how to put the ball in play when there is a runner on third. Or how to throw the ball back into the infield when it has been hit to him. Or how to ever take a walk, ever. Yes, he can jump really high and chase down fly balls. But when it comes to simple baseball things, I expect failure every single time.

2. Alexi Casilla Tries To Hit A Homerun At Every At-Bat

He is 5'5", and yet he thinks he is Bonds. Maybe you should take Lou Brown's advice, and be hittin' em on the ground and leggin' em out.

3. Michael Cuddyer Is Only Able To Hit Homeruns When There Is No Pressure

Dickfer and I talked about this awhile ago. If the score is 4-0, two outs in the inning, bases empty, Cuddyer coming up? GUARANTEED HOME RUN. It's gone. Book it. But a tie game, man on third, one out? GUESS WHO LIKES TO SWING AT SLIDERS?

4. Delmon Young Hits Well For A Two Week Period Each Year, And It's Always When Everyone Else Is Hitting Well, So It Doesn't Matter

Seriously. Contribute. It's not that hard. Just hit the ball. Sometimes.

5. Yet Another Year With Nick Punto

He is so incredibly awful at the sport of baseball, that it boggles the mind. In 2007, he had one of the 10 worst statistical seasons in major league history. Honestly. Look it up. Only a few other players, IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, WHICH NEARLY STRETCHES BACK TO THE CIVIL WAR, have had a worse season. Well, he's still at it. Still sucking horribly.

6. The Starters

Let's just go ahead and run down that list.... Armando Gabino looked like he literally urinated himself before he took the mound. Brian Duensing likes to give up "well hit balls". Nick Blackburn went like 4 starts in a row where he didn't get to the THIRD FUCK INNING. Glen Perkins started to suck, so he made up an injury in his shoulder. Liriano just plain started to suck, so was classified with "dead arm", which of course is just cover for saying "sucks at pitching now". Slowey took a shot off the wrist, so it's not his fault. And Swarzak? Holy mother of god. Not since Silva's horseshit season have we seen it this bad. HERE COMES A FASTBALL WITH NO MOVEMENT, MAYBE IT WILL BE HIT AT SOMEONE.

7. The Bullpen

I won't even go into it. Honestly, it's not good for me. Just read any of the posts at all during this season, and you'll see what I have to say about that.

---------------------------------------

So that's that, then. There were many other problems, most of which revolved around the central idea that this team could never consistently score runners in scoring position, they could never put together 4-5 good games in a row (until last week, when it was too late), and the starting pitching was literally a spin of the bullet chamber each time. I said it in July, they don't deserve to win the division, and now, thank god, they won't.

All I ask each and every year is please, oh please, be better than the White Sox. They are a model of how a franchise is not supposed to be run. And yet this year, with all of their horse's ass moves (seriously, did they just go get ALEX RIOS? He likes striking out more than he likes breathing. It's almost as bad as Griffey last year. Almost.) they still have a shot at beating the Twins. That mostly makes me mad, but it's also the logical conclusion of every failure of this current team. So, in that way, it makes sense. In fact, teams like Cleveland should be ahead of the Twins (and still have an outside chance to do just that) because at least they traded the fat non-effort-givers on their team and now have guys who can hit the baseball when it counts.

Greetings

Hi there.

I've pitched in two games so far. I have two wins. I've also likely murdered human beings.

At least my name isn't Manship.

Wow, I hate Matt Guerrier

But we all knew that.

He is human garbage.

White Sox 8th

Jose Mijares pitching:
Scott Podsednik: Ball, Ball, Ball, Podsednik walked.
Matt Guerrier relieved Jose Mijares.
Gordon Beckham: Beckham homered to left, Podsednik scored.

Just when you think you can't hate the White Sox any more

They go and do something like this:



1. Hey, is that the look you give when you turn 'round and watch one scream over the fence?

2. The only people in the world who dye their facial hair are incredible douchers. Bobby Jenks included.

Happiness List

There's not been much to make me happy about watching baseball for most of the season. My list of all time "happy moments" breaks down like this:

1. Watching the Twins play Twins Baseball and beat a team like Kansas City or Detroit because they have stopped trying for the day. (note: this is usually accompanied by Dazzle saying something like "That's just a little league play right there")

2. Watching the White Sox run it right down their leg, for the whole world to see. (note: it's always in seasons or games when they have otherwise had success... for example, Mark Buerhrle throws a perfect game in the same year that they lose 20-1 to the Twins)

3. Watching Boston or New York fail, because no one can ever seem to come up with explanations for why, just WHY, they could possibly ever not win it all.

So, with that said, today's Number Two (in more ways than one, OHHHH!) by the White Sox was just about the most awesome moment of the season. Ozzie, take it away:

"Well, we came to New York and visited the new Yankee Stadium. It is a very nice ballpark, and the hotel we stayed at was also very nice," manager Ozzie Guillen said. "That's all I have to say about these last three days."

Every single failure of their organization and the way their lives are run is on full display for us all to see. And they make their way to the Metrodome, a building in which they don't even know how to flush the toilet properly, let alone hit a baseball. This will be VERY fun.

I can't make this up

This man has a first name of Kyler. Not Kyle. Kyler. Like Tyler. But not. Kyler just got called up to the Bigs. Well done, sir. As someone who is just beginning his MLB career . . . what would be a good last name for him?

Because that's it.

You'll notice that due to his lack of a defined chin (due to obesity) he's simply taken a sharpie and penciled himself some face-hair. Just to make sure you know where his head ends and his neck begins.

Twins on a decent streak right now

Ok Dickfer, so who do we have pitching tomorrow?



Uh. Oh.

That appears to be an "unheralded minor leaguer".

DID SOMEONE SAY OVER?

----------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: AND SPEAKING OF OVERS

And just who is pitching for the White Sox, tomorrow, against Boston, in Boston, with the Green Monster and short porch?



He's back. He pitches for the White Sox, and he's starting tomorrow. The lead headline on Sportsline reads "Garcia unimpressive in first start". OH NO SHIT?

I did not realize the utter awfulness that is White Sox pitching. I've been sitting here all year thinking that I couldn't imagine a more inconsistent, frustrating staff, from 1 to 12, than the Minnesota Twins. But the White Sox start BOTH Contreras and Freddy Fuck Garcia. Earlier in the year, they let Bartolo Colon pitch for them. Take a minute out of your day, for the rest of the season, and re-read those previous two sentences. If it doesn't make you smile every day, I'll swallow nails.

All of that being said, if the Twins can't overtake at least the White Sox, then all is truly lost, and we should just load up the '87 DVDs and bask in the glory that is Bruno's mustache.

Hello

You don't even know what you're saying right now

The Blue Crew has mirrored the Twins of late - a slide worthy of opening the "safety" parachute simultaneously. Los Angeles has plenty of sports talk shows but as I've said there's only one worth your listening time: Dodger Talk.

But even the usual can become unusual. Listen to how, even after a win, they can't help but resort to the competition's level.

A parody of sports talk radio that was actually on the air.

Gold

So hey . . .

Go Vikings!

I'll check back for the call-ups on OUR Twins. That should be interesting.

New Dude in the Bullpen

He was warming up. I saw him. Last name Manship.

Man.

Ship.

Welcome Mr. Manship. Go get'em.

I'm sorry, the score is?

Come again?

The Royals? In the dome?

And they've got how many?

Oy.

Hey, we got . . .

Screw it. I gave up after 5 minutes on baseball reference. Matt Grrr really does lead the league in holds, doesn't he?

Section 220 guy touched on the Twins remaining schedule. The back of my yellow tablet counts:

12 games vs. Cleveland 8-4
12 games vs. KC 8-4
10 games vs. Detroit 5-5
7 games vs. Texas 3-4
6 games vs. Chi Sox 3-3
4 games vs. Toronto 2-2
3 games vs. Baltimore 2-1
3 games vs. Oakland 2-1

I have to use the back of the tablet since all the pages were used and had writing on them like:

Gophers vs. NDSU -> key game Central Michigan.

Still bitter at Vegas.

Anyway, I have us about 85-77 to end the season. I don't see anything overly optimistic with those wins and losses. 85 wins might win the AL Central this year.

That is the problem.

Like the Vikings winning the NFC North last year, the Twins could/should win a very weak division this year. That gives everyone that matters a false sense of security.

We can't be that bad, we won the division.

You are.

You got owned by the Angels, Yankees, and Red Sox. The season will last 3 or 4 more games longer than the Nationals . . . at most.

FUBB round up

7/31 - Friday's game = Definition of FUBB

8/1 - Saturday's game = Whatever, let's go non-FUBB.

-----

Bill Smith has forced me to look at various teams and bullpens in an upcoming post titled,

"Hey, we got Cabrera, but . . ."

Fair is fair . . .

Blog favorite Jesse Crain got the win last night. Oh sure, a couple 5-4-3 double plays helped. In order for that to happen, though, a batter has to get on base. The AL Central needs to be dissolved is basically what I am saying.

Bill Smith is starting to scare me

Since Bill Smith has been catching heat lately . . . Sid to the rescue.

The quote:

"Unfortunately, we've had to tap into the Rochester market a few times this year. Certainly, with [Pat] Neshek and [Boof] Bonser and now [Kevin] Slowey, on the DL, we've tapped that market. I think we probably have to look further outside now. Jesse Crain is back and threw the ball well the other day. And hopefully he can come back and help us here over the next two months.''

The other day Jesse Crain threw the ball and ended the game in Anaheim and the Angels won. Is that the outing that he threw the ball "well", Bill? God, Drew was correct, it is going to be LaTroy. Way to look "outside", Bill.

Two Items Of Importance

1. When you hit .098, get sent to Omaha, and then this happens, I think it's safe to say that life hasn't exactly turned out according to projections.

2.



Grow a beard or not, Fatty Napps.

Nathan this time

I am going to have to hang this one on Nathan. He didn't lose it, but he should have ended it. You can't expect anyone else to hang on for a win, especially against an actual baseball team. Let's see who got the loss . . . ahh, wait a second here, OK he is back. Version 2.0 not any better. Or is it version 1.1? Is this our trade deadline "move"?

Collapse Like No Other

Ok, sorry to Tommy and friend, but this needs front page treatment.

When you score 13 runs in a game.... when Justin Morneau hits a grand slam and a three run homer IN THE FIRST THREE INNINGS, when your "staff ace" is on the hill, when your bullpen has been pitching actually quite well recently, and when you play the THIRTY EIGHT AND FUCK FIFTY TWO ATHLETICS...

YOU

SHOULD

WIN

THE

GAME

Let's just see here: Blackburn gives up seven runs in 5 innings. That's horse-piss. Nick Punto bats second, which is a good spot if you can, you know, GET A HIT IN FIVE AT BATS WHICH HE CANNOT BECAUSE OF HIS STUPIDNESS. And then that bullpen... Keppel and Mijares just run it right down their leg in a 7 run 7th, culminating in a grand fuck slam to tie the game.

Oakland's starting pitcher, one Gio Gonzalez... you ready for this? 2.2 INNINGS PITCHED. TEN HITS.

ELEVEN EARNED RUNS.

He gets a no decision out of that.

I've gone through a lot this year, ups downs, strikes, gutters, but this one is the worst loss of the year by far, just awful. Just a dogshit performance, a complete muck-up of a game that should've ended with Morneau breaking the Twins record for RBI in a game. Instead it ends with a loss to Oakland and a further slip in the standings.

I'll say it again right now, just like I said it last year: I cheer for this team. I want them to have success. But they DO. NOT. DESERVE. to win the central division. If they are in the race, it's only an indicator of how horseshit the Tigers and Sox are.

It's last year, all over again.

Ok Justin!

Ok. Justin has seven RBI. It is the third inning.

EDIT:

HOLY FUCKING HORSE

Carlos Gomez and (not) stealing bases

First, if somehow this post can be put down the page so we can have still see Tommy, Nando, and a station that gave Gilbert Gottfried an entire night to do whatever he wanted, on the top of the page, please do.

Next, Carlos Gomez. Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought the big plus to him was his ability to steal bases. Not Henderson/Coleman/Raines scary, but more than above average. I haven't been able to find what "average" is for a center fielder or someone like Gomez, but it seems like every time I watch him play, he gets caught. The above link has him 40 for 55 with the Twins. 73%, if I am reading this correctly. Is that a good percentage?

My point: If he can't steal bases almost at will, what's the point on having him.

Edit: Math is hard for me sometimes.

And now, the Second Half

With the All Star Game over, let's review what's coming in the "second half" of the baseball season with our analysts The Big Pisan and Nando!


That's right, Tommy Lasorda here for USA Network. What, you don't think they do sports anymore? Shit, maybe they don't but...I don't know...Burn Notice is a great show!

¡Es uno de mis programas televisivos predilectos!

Mine too. Now, I don't know if any of you watched the All Star game last night. You should have because it's the finest sport there is. However, it was on Fox, so if you listened on radio you heard Joe Morgan. Now, as great of a player as he was, he makes me wish I was deaf when he talks.

Soy un mejor locutor que Joe.

Yes, you are. Then again, so is everyone else. Anyway, if you missed it, the America League won again. Naturally, a Giant was on the mound giving up 2 runs early. But one thing everyone is talking about is the AL's dominance in the game. Sure, I'd like the National League to win.

Ganamos cuando eché.

You can say that again. But you know what? So the NL lost...who cares? Selig has us playing the fucking Angels and Mariners, shit like that. It's no big thing to play AL people anymore. Free agents moving around. But let me tell you something else. You think it's a big deal to win home field advantage in the World Series?

Nosotros no lo tuvimos en 1981, y nosotros todavía ganamos.

That's my point, Fernando. Ever since this switch, the AL, who's had the home field advantage every year, is 3-3 in the World Series. I'd be bent out of shape if the National League hadn't won the series since 2001, but we know that's not the case.

El Presidente dijo que jugamos "tremendo".

You better believe I heard that. The president of this great land signalled us out for our fine play in the first half. These boys better keep it up. GET BACK IN THERE, BOYS!

Not a FUBB

Even though the Twins bullpen (Dickey) finally blinked and lost in the 16th, this is not a FUBB. Bullpen did their job for 10+? innings. If anything when you are the home team in extra innings and you face Rodney for 2 innings, you need to end the game with a win.

In praise of a good bullpen appearance

Bobby Keppel threw this tonight against KC. Well done, sir. You will have nights where you get written about otherwise on this blog, no worries as you are human. Keep it up. If you can be the bridge to Joey NayNay, you will get paid.

I didn't get a chance to watch the 6/27 game, but those numbers looked OK, too.

Mama Mia!

Last night, the Dodgers beat up the White Sox. This is good news even to Twins fans, so how does the big Piasano celebrate? With world famous Farmer John Dodger Dogs!

One step forward...

They fired Crain because he couldn't get hitters out anymore.

GOOD MOVE

Today, in the 7th inning, nursing a one run lead, they turned to Sean Henn.

BAD MOVE

One step forward, one back. The failing goes on, almost unimpeded.

Rhymes with "Messy Drain is Barbage"

So long, Jesse. I hope you go to the minor leagues and never throw another pitch for the Minnesota Twins professional team ever again.

Messy Crain

Hey Jesse! Hey, alright! Way to be, Jesse!

When you are inserted in the 9th inning of a tie game, at least try to get two outs before you load up the bases and give up the walk off hit.

JESSE CRAIN SUCKS

MILTON BRADLEY

CROSS POSTED ON TWO BLOGS BECAUSE MILTON BRADLEY IS SUCH A FAILURE.

John Gordon and Dan Gladden simply don't know what to say. Milton Bradley has confused everyone with his life-failing.

EDIT:

FUBB

Sean Henn is inserted into the game in the 9th inning.

He throws the ball with his left hand. Jason Giambi hits with his left hand. Henn's job is simple... get Giambi out.

So what does he do?

FOUR
PITCH
WALK.

And then he's relieved by Matt Guerrier. You can pretty much guess the rest.

How's that, Benny?

A brief recap of boys the Twins have drafted thus far:

Kyle Gibson, RHP, Univ. of Missouri
Matt Bashore, LHP, Indiana

Ok, those are two average names. Then:

Billy Bullock, RHP, Florida
Benjamin Tootle, RHP, Jacksonville State

ROOTIN TOOTIN HOWDY HO, BOYS!!!!!!!!!!

Mike

Michael Cuddyer is... well he's really just sucking ass right now.

I wish there was a better way to say that. But he faced off against Craig Breslow tonight and hit into a double play to end the 8th.

Craig Breslow is a guy who was RELEASED BY THE MINNESOTA TWINS.

When the Minnesota Twins release a reliever, they are sending a message. That message is "Hey Craig. You must be the worst reliever in the entire universe. Because the 3rd worst reliever in the entire universe is Jesse Crain. And the second worst reliever in the entire universe is Matt Guerrier. And we're sticking with them. So, as such, you must simply be the worst piece of garbage ever. Ever."

And that's the guy who gets Cuddy to bounce into the DP. Greeeeeeeeeeeeat.

I think we give this one a FUBB, because the loss goes to Ayala. And that "loss" going to Ayala doesn't just mean this game. It means in his life.

FUBB

I'd like to thank Mr. Sean Henn, he of the "couldn't quite hack it out of the New York Yankee bullpen, which means he couldn't hack it bagging groceries at Red Owl" ilk, for giving up the game winning hit to Ken Griffey Jr. tonight. Because Ken Griffey Jr. is hitting .221 this season, and stopped being a power threat in 2001.

Old Grey Beard

Ken Griffey hit for Franklin Gutierrez.

Griffey fouled out to catcher.

------------------------------------------

NO SHIT???

Mark my words

The Twins take a 3-2 lead going into the 7th inning.

The new pitcher is Sean "I couldn't hack it in New York's bullpen, so hey!" Henn.

The Rays will score more than 2 runs this game. MANY more.

Over the wall, men!

Two observations:

1. Prince Fielder is incredibly overweight. And that's really neat that he can turn the hips now and bang them to Kirby-land. But he's TWENTY FIVE years old. And he weighs at least 280 pounds. So, I'm just saying, he might want to think about what's going to happen when he can't catch up with the hott stuff because he put away too many double bacons from Applebees the night before. You know who to ask for advice? Matt LeCroy.

2. Joe Mauer has hit a home run in 5 of his last 7 games, and has jacked 10 in the MONTH OF MAY, and that's on 80 at-bats. Last year, he dinged 9 total for the year, in 536 at bats.

HEY HOW'S THE ASS MUSCLE?!?!?!

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It really makes you think about this team and how good they could be... when guys like Cuddyer and Crede start launching, they seem almost unbeatable, considering Joe and Justin will just keep doing what they do. But still, they lost SIX in a row. So I guess we'll see what happens... but at least I don't scream at my monitor every night now, and I count that as improvement. Mostly, I think it's because Jesse Crain has gone back to the hole he belongs in and Craig Breslow's ass was fired because a loser is a loser.

Eyes Like Dinner Plates

A pictorial essay on Morneau's 4 run dong in this evening's baseball game:

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"Hey, I thought it would be a good idea to give him one belt-high on the inside corner!"




"While Whip there is on the phone seeing who we've got left in that pen, I think I'm going to just scoot by and get myself another dip of Red Man. 'Scuse me coach."



"I think you can go get him now."

If we beat a team 20-1 . . .

how many wins do we get? Just one? Boooooo.

This Drew Boatman guy might be on to something

This is getting comical. At least you know what is going to happen. You can't get too mad . . . because you know it is coming. You just expect it. Funny, no? This was a tough FUBB to hand out all things considered (Mijares and his miracle against Matsui). FUBB is at 9.

Buddy Whackett?

I'm really getting fucking sick of these Yankees.

Maybe they could walk it off again. Maybe Alex would like to walk one off in the toilet.

I don't know what that means.

Let's do some analysis

Avid readers of this site have seen a theme of late. Let us analyze this theme. I did a quick look at all the Twins losses so far. I started from the 7th inning on to see just how many times our beloved bullpen have watched it run down their leg. I only did losses and not wins where they were bailed out (like the last two games). There might have been an error or two that I missed, but whatever. Let's take a look:

Legend: FUBB = Fuck up by bullpen.

Opener: Solid loss
4/9: Couldn't score
4/11: Score more
4/12: Solid loss
4/13: FUBB
4/15: Solid loss
4/16: FUBB
4/22: Solid loss
4/23: Starter's fault
4/26: Starter's fault
4/27: solid loss
5/2: FUBB
5/3: FUBB/Baker
5/5: Score more
5/6: Rain
5/7: FUBB
5/10: FUBB

That's about 6 losses due to the pen. Now, we all can't be perfect, 4 less FUBBs would put the Twins at 22-13 right now and one of the best records in the majors. Instead, just 18-17 and a half game out of 1st. That's a testament to the AL Central. Yeah, that's what we will call it, a testament. Let's see how this plays out during the year.

The Cards Don't Even Matter, I'll Play It Blind

The Twins lead the Tigers 7-5. It is in the top of the 7th inning. Perkins gave up 5 runs and was relieved by Luis Ayala.

We're into the bullpen, in the 7th. Ayala is still in there.

OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T I LIVE BET THIS GAME????????

I'm sure Jesse Crain is warming up right now.

This is a guaranteed loss.

---------------------------

UPDATE: 4 pitch walk to Polanco to open the inning. NICE JOB DUMB FUCK!!!!


-----------------------------

2nd UPDATE: HA HA HA CLETE THOMAS DOUBLED OH MY GOD AYALA IS SO TERRIBLE AND I WOULD'VE PUT MY LIFE ON THIS EXACT SCENARIO HAPPENING.

---------------------------------

Fuck it, I'm making this a live blog. Matt Guerrier has entered the game. In the 7th inning. Runners on 2nd and 3rd, no outs. The pain is going to be severe.

AND THERE'S A BOMB BY CABRERA. 3 RUN JACK. I CAN'T

I WON'T

I CAN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING

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Jeff Larish hits a home run... we're at one out in the 7th inning and 4 runs are in so far.

There is absolutely nothing as frustrating in all of sports as cheering for a team with a shitty bullpen. Not "shaky". "SHITTY". They blow more games than they save. It is enough to make you break things. Seriously, I feel like breaking my monitor. What else can I do? Mail Bill Smith a letter telling him to get off his ass and DO HIS FUCKING JOB AND FIRE THE BULLPEN BECAUSE A LOSER IS A LOSER.

JESSE CRAIN IS GARBAGE

Holy fucking Moses, this bullpen could fuck up a cup of Maxwell House.

Jose Mijares walks Jose Lopez, then gives up a bomb to The Man Formerly Known As Ken Griffey.

HERE COMES JESSE CRAIN!!! 2 runs in, and we're still going.

I cannot quantify how frustrating it is to see Blackburn throw 7 innings of shutout ball, only to see these fucking jokers come in and just spill the beans all over the field.

Twins, doing what they do so well

What happens when you get 14 hits and two walks, only to score 4 runs?

YOU LOSE LIKE THE LOSERS THAT YOU ARE

Nice to see Joe Mauer back. Now we'll have someone on base for when Cuddyer and Delmon Young softly tap to the second baseman.

Oh, and did I see Carlos Gomez still playing major league baseball? I thought he'd be in AA ball by now. He deserves to be playing softball down at the rec center. Although that ball breaks a bit, so maybe not. Do they have tee ball in Fort Myers?

Yankee FAIL

Ok, so the Indians just threw up a 14-spot in the 2nd inning.

I'm not saying the Yankees didn't go sign a couple of big rods this summer in Sabathia and Burnett, but OH DEAR GOD, SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE IN THE FIELD.

Let's do a list of players who are, honest to god, actively playing in today's game for the Yankees:

Cody Ransom
Nick Swisher (HE'S BATTING CLEAN UP)
Brett Gardner (In addition to playing center field for New York, he helped do my taxes this year)
Ramiro Pena (listed GENEROUSLY at 5'10" 165 lbs)

So, Yankees. Good luck. Johnny Damon is your second best offensive player.




This man is pitching right now. That's all I have to say.

The score after 6 innings was 3-3

And then...

Jesse Crain got one out.

And he gave up 4 earned runs. He walked 3 batters. And gave up 2 hits.

Then Matt Guerrier. He got 4 outs!

He also gave up 2 hits, and one earned run.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESOME!

Well done, shitheads!

-----------------------------

Then something happened in the 8th.

This pretty much sums up the Twins season so far

This is what happens when your team sucks at playing baseball. RA Dickey leads it in wins.

I'd write more about what I see, but it's just too damn obvious: they are sucking at nearly every facet of the game. Their 4 wins were lucky or against horseshit teams. The bullpen is the worst that I have seen in my lifetime: Honestly, when Matt Guerrier comes into the game, I am more mad than almost any other time in Twins history. For the record, the anger list looks like this:

1. Luis Rivas coming to bat
2. Joe Mays pitching past the 5th inning
3. Matt Guerrier coming into the game, ever
4. Torii with two strikes, knowing that slider is coming and HEY THERE YOU GO STRIKEOUT

Say it with me....

Matt Guerrier.

I'm sorry. I meant to say "Human Waste".

"Life Failer"

"Garbage"

"Matt Guerrier is horseshit"

Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

----------------------------------------

Hey, WOAH I posted too soon.

Let's see that inning in its entirety:

Millar homered to left, Wells, Lind and Rolen scored.
R.A. Dickey relieved Craig A. Breslow.
Rolen walked, Lind to second.
Wells to third on wild pitch.
Lind walked.
Hill scored, Wells to second on wild pitch.
Craig A. Breslow relieved Matt Guerrier.
Wells singled to center, Hill to third.
Rios popped out to second.
Hill singled to left center.
Scutaro homered to left, Barajas scored.
Bautista popped out to second.
Barajas singled to right.
Matt Guerrier relieved Francisco Liriano.

HOLY CHRIST. THE BULLPEN HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BAD, INCLUDING WHEN RON DAVIS WAS THE CLOSER.

Seriously, I can't even comprehend this. The Blue Jays are perfectly good team, but not good enough to beat the Twins' ass like this every night. That is 7 runs (and counting) in the seventh inning.

I don't know the solution. I just know garbage when I see it. And Breslow, Crain, Guerrier and Dickey are ALL FUCKING GARBAGE.

Update: Barajas doubled to center. Dickey still in there.

I would live-blog these games, but it would make me throw up.

Innocence Gone Awry

I saw a score which had the Twins winning over the Toronto Blue Jays. I politely asked Drew later if they won. I received a large laugh in return and then was reminded of said bullpen. All I know of this bullpen is from this here blog, which has been swift and prompt in the reviews. It's also been correct.

I'm no stranger to bullpen fuck-ups...does anyone remember the LaTroy Hawkins Blown-Save Meter? But after looking at the stats of last night's game (The BJs have defeated the Twins 10 games in a row?!) I saw a lone comment on Sportsline:

"Putting Ayala into the game is the equivalent of putting drugs in front of an addict. BAD things are bound to happen when either of the two previous scenarios unfold."

Hmmm, who is this Ayala guy anyway? Let's look him up.
Ok, 5.71 ERA last season. So far this season he didn't look too good against Seattle. Well, maybe he's a...wow, ok the team ERA is over 5. More runs have been given up in the first five innings than the last four, though.

This is starting to get depressing. And Mark Fidrych going to the nest for the final time yesterday. We've got to turn things around here. Hey - Orlando Hudson hit for the cycle for the Dodgers! It's their first player to hit for the cycle in nearly 40 years and...what, that's not sunshine?

Sorry, this will lift your spirits.

This is what you call a "fail" inning

Current Half Inning (last play on top)
	Scutaro walked.
	Snider stole second.
	Matt Guerrier relieved Kevin Slowey.
	Snider walked.
	Barajas grounded out to shortstop.
	Overbay homered to right, Rolen scored.
	Rolen singled to left.

CORKY. CORKY MILLER.

A MAN NAMED CORKY MILLER IS STARTING AT THE POSITION OF CATCHER FOR THE MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM OF THE CHICAGO WHITE SOX.

Dear god almighty in heaven above, he returns. Corky. Good to see him again.

A Glazed Easter Ham For The South Side

A quick look at your starting pitchers tonight:




Holy shit this White Sox team might not win 70 games.

White Sox Bullpen

Pssst, White Sox. Come here, just a few words.

Come closer....

I just wanted to remind you that you employ the following man to pitch out of your bullpen.



So happy to be pitching for Royals #1 Baseball!




"This is how you throw it if you want it to be launched into the hushed night sky"




"NICK PUNTO'S NOT S'POSED TO BE ABLE TO HIT A THREE RUN DONG!"





"Whatever. Ozzie will put me in tomorrow. Who else do they have? LaTroy?"

I Sure Would Like To Know When Randy Johnson Became The Guy From "Saw"

The Knuckler, Knuckling

Something about this does not sit right

A nugget from today's paper:

Carlos Gomez is leaving after batting practice today to take his pregnant wife to a routine check up.

Oh my. There will soon be Spawn of Gomez on this planet. This child doesn't act old enough to brush his teeth without assistance, and he is procreating. That's almost as messed up as Carlos Silva naming his first son "Justin".