Well, that should about do it. As inevitable as a sunrise, the Bitch Sox collapse again when it matters, and we move on to a brighter future.
But we don't move on without a proper sendoff. Cue the chuckwagons.
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The White Sox are a failure organization. They just are. They fail at most things. I was watching the game last night and someone I was with even commented "Their color scheme is even boring. Just black and white. Stupid." Yes. It is stupid. No color, no signature theme. Just stupid black and stupid white. But it goes so much further than that. Let's break it down.
(I will be addressing the White Sox directly in the second person, so get ready to feel uncomfortable)
Your catcher is old and is a free agent. You should've dumped him at the break. Now he walks for nothing. But even if you re-sign him, you'll pay a lot of money and get an old catcher. Your backup catcher can't quite fit into his jockstrap yet. The baby Jesus, he is not. His name is also Flowers. So, for the position of catcher,
FAIL.
Your first baseman is having a great season. That's fun. He's also old and slow. He drops the ball at first base. He can't score from second on a hit to the outfield unless it runs a gap. AND, he's a free agent. So in order to get your old, not-going-to-be-hitting-like-this-for-one-more-season first baseman, you'll have to pay him more than he's worth. In the minors, you have nothing. He's been the only good player on your team this year, and Morneau is better. So, with regard to the position of first baseman,
FAIL.
Speaking of, how perfectly poignant was it to see him take a clop in the chops last night? What symbolism. The Twins just hit the Bitches right in the mouth, just run a fastball right up into your pearly whites, and you spit blood, run to first, and suck your thumb. Then when the Twins come to bat, you lightly brush Cuddyer and he comes around to score. A punch in the face for the Bitches, then a light slap for the Twins, resulting in a run. Funny.
Your infield is duct-taped together, and is at its peak right now. Gordon Beckham broke his wrist/hand and you thought it was a great idea to bring him back early. He now can't hold the bat. Alexei played out of his ass in 2008, and has now regressed to average at best. Both of them have fielding issues. Third base is an utter mess... not one single player you have put in there has been good in any way. Mark Teahan is a joke at the plate, and yet is somehow even worse at fielding the baseball. This guy Morel is a minor league mainstay. And your utility infielder is Omar Vizquel, who is old and walks gingerly.
So, infield:
FAIL.
Oh let's get to those outfielders. Right field: you let Jermaine Dye go because he was old and getting fat and couldn't field at all. Ok, fine. But now you have Quentin. And he's fat, and looks like he is taking a shit when he stands in the box, which is funny, because then he actually HITS like he's dumping a load. But here's the thing: he can't field either. He's got to be just as bad as JD. So that's fun. Then you've got centerfield. You split time between Alex Rios (who also looks like he's taking a dumper-doo up at the plate) and Andruw Jones. Jones runs away from the ball when it is hit to him. He is fat and old, and confused in the field. Alex Rios makes like 18 million dollars a year to look confused. He hits average, fields average, and makes as much as Torii. Then Pierre, the man who never met a single he didn't like. He's alright in the field, certainly better than any other garbage out there, but he slaps nothing but singles. He steals bases wonderfully, however. He is the best outfielder you have, which is funny, because he's barely good enough to start in the NL West. So, outfield,
FAIL.
You completely lucked into your starting pitching, and are doing your best to throw it all away. Danks and Floyd are average guys who sometimes pitch well against Kansas City. They always lose to the Twins, always. They are your 3rd and 4th starters at best. Buerhle threw a perfect game and sometimes shuts down the Twins. But he's old. He can't be considered an ace. And then you went and traded away a promising youngster for Edwin Fucking Jackson, WHO COULDN'T CUT IT IN DETROIT. To round it all out, you mortgaged the future to get ahold of Jake Peavy, who was REALLY good pitching against Arizona and San Francisco, two teams who think the game ends when they score 2 runs. He tore a tit muscle and will be injured forever. Fortunately, you banked your entire future on this flame-out. The reason I say that you "lucked into" these guys is because Kenny Williams can't stop himself from making deals even when he's got solid players. He won't hesitate to just dump the best players on the team for garbage. And he's already done this... see Richard, Clayton and Hudson, Daniel. But somehow he kept Floyd and Danks, even though you just know he wants to dump them for Pedro as soon as he signs with Philly. And also, as soon as Danks and Floyd become free agents, they're going to be very expensive, because you started them so early. So, starting pitching,
FAIL.
And then the bullpen. Oh god, the bullpen.
Bobby Jenks is really fat and dyes his facial hair. He also has a bad back, because he's fat. He's like David Wells, and is going down just like him. Matt Thornton was pretty good this year... until Jim Thome hit one to Robbinsdale and all of a sudden he had a shoulder problem. He's been absolute garbage before this year, and he will be again soon. That kid Sale throws all hurdy-gurdy, but the Twins seem to have figured him out, and it's not going to take long for the word to get out. JJ Putz looked good in Seattle, but you'd look good too in 19 games against both Oakland and Texas (when they sucked). Now he walks guys with the bases loaded because he can't figure out the rules of the game. Sergio Santos was heralded as the next big prick, but then in his last 7 games he has an ERA of 13.5. NOT GOING TO CUT IT, YOUNG MAN. Overall, their full failure this season is a direct result of a failed bullpen... not one guy stepped up and became unhittable, not one guy was competent at throwing the baseball. It all adds up to
FAIL.
But you can't ignore the big one. Oh, make no mistake, this season was a strike-out in a lot of areas, but absolutely nothing personified it better than Manny Fucking Ramirez, and the Grand DH Experiment.
Let me get this right, Bitches: You let Jim Thome - the same Jim Thome who is capable of hitting baseballs to other states - walk away for nothing. In fact, you didn't "let" him do anything... you "forced" him out. He was told he was no longer needed, at all, not even at a discount. So he signed with the Twins... FOR HALF OF NICK PUNTO'S SALARY. Jim leads the Twins in both home runs and "Dicks Kicked". So, that was a great move. But, pray tell, who did you fill Jim's role with? MARK MOTHERFUCK KOTSAY?!?!?!? Holy bosephus, this does not compute. This wouldn't happen to be the 34 year old journeyman who never hit more than 17 home runs in a single season, would it? The guy who hasn't had over 50 RBI since 2006? Not him. Couldn't be him. Oh but it is. So now you've got Kotsay at DH, and of course he's failing, hard. So then you go out and be Kenny Williams, again, and get Manny Ramirez. You do a straight waiver claim, don't get the Dodgers to pay any of his salary, so now you owe him 4 million dollars for a month of baseball. He responds by:
1) Using Joey Cora as an interpreter in an interview, even though he speaks better english than Joey and perfectly understands every question posed to him.
2) Hitting only singles.
3) Not caring one single tiny bit if the White Sox win or lose.
And that's just it. Last year it was Griffey, which was funny because they played him in centerfield even though he sometimes falls down when he is jogging. And this year it is an aging Man-Ram, the man who thinks the current score of the baseball game is 4 to Q. You literally would've been better piling 4 million dollars on the pitchers mound in one dollar bills and lighting them aflame for all to see.
And so, ultimately, it's not about the positions. It's about the organization. You just can't get it right, can you? In the past 3 seasons, the Bitches are 1-11 against the Twins in September. This year, they went 5-13.
Your failure is complete. You go home now, like you always do. You go away, and you don't get to speak anymore. You lost.
Bring on the Hands-On-Head Bitch Sox fan, one last time...