Doctor's Orders

(Turning off TV)

"That's it!  I'm sick of fucking Mr. Yankees taking us into the toilet.  Honey, get me one of my award-winning wines and the phone.

(Takes bite of Italian Sausage)
               
           

  Yeah, Dugout.

What the fuck are you doing?  Do you know what your job is, Mr. Singles-all-the-time?  You have to MANAGE.  You don't have the power in the line-up?  Think your bullpen is shit?  Then you better manage!

                            

Yeah, but what can I do?  We have the worst bullpen in the National League...2nd worst in the bigs...only better than the Twins.  Gotta keep shoving guys on a bus to Albuquerque.  Hell...these guys might not get their paychecks at the end of the month.  By the way, how long are you supposed to keep a starter in the game?  5 innings or 9?  I can't remember what the book says.

Donnie, I'm going to say it slow so a Yankee understands.  Ever since you shaved off that mustache, your life hasn't been the same, Capice?  I spent a whole fucking day at Tutti Santi, having lunch with you and giving you insight few have!  The kind of shit that prevents you from being out-managed and swept by Dusty Baker!  When I had Dusty on my teams, you know what we used to do keep him focused?  Tell him he hadn't hit in a week!  Which was BULLSHIT!  But he was dumb enough to believe me!

 

(Softly)  Is that Tommy on the line?

                       

GET HIM THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

                       

     

(Softly) Just tell him that I can get Fox to do an advance--

I WILL PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING MUSH THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.

 Tommy?  Are you still there?  We got a day off tomorrow, and I've got an autograph signing at the California Truck & Cycle Show but then after--

     

You and me are gonna have lunch at the stadium.  I'm calling Dave, and he'll make the fried chicken with sawmill gravy.  And if you want to keep your fucking job, you're telling that show you can't make it.  Otherwise, I'm sending YOU down to Albuquerque.  And after lunch we're gonna meet Kenley Jansen half-way...and send him back.

      Yeah, but Tommy, I need pitchers.

                                  

I'll tell you what you fucking need. 

(hangs up)