Doctor Nick To Grace Our Hearts For 2 More Years

Nick Goddamned Punto will get over 4 million per season for the next two years.

He is the worst Twins player since Chris Heintz.

Good job guys!

Happiness

Seeing the White Sox lose makes me happy.

That's all.

Live blogging the Play-in Play-in game

Well, it is a weekday day game . . . in Chicago, I am sure some former baseball manager from the Windy City has a view of who attends these games. With Fred Garcia pitching, this could be a quick liveblog.

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Water is falling from the sky. Oh, the Tigers are thrilled right now, I'm sure. That sums up the first hour.

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Well, due to my job and I took the bus today, we pick it up in the bottom of 6th. Looks like Fred the Pitcher pulled a neck muscle. Oh good, the Detroit bullpen. Galaraga. Two straight wild pitches will get that run home from 2nd base. Annnnnnnd time for the next guy out of the bullpen. Seay is his name an he just threw one to the backstop. Dye on second. This thing is over. Thome struck out due to oldness. Intentionally walking Konerko to get to GRIFFEY. Ouch. Detroit catcher cannot handle breaking balls or something. 4 pitch walk to Griffey. Bases juiced. Leyland out . . . NEXT! Glover. Lil' Ramirez up, first pitch, 4 base 4 run hit. I'm done.

This guy could write for Minnesota teams

Wow.

We at least know what we need to do.

At the beginning of the season, if you had told me on Sept. 23rd of the season, the Twins control their own destiny to the playoffs, I would have taken that. Now, unfortunately, we have witnessed what has happened in reality land in the month of September. Still, hey, I'll take it. The White Sox are beatable, KC is mostly trash. We know what the Twins will do. Win the first 2 games by a combined score of 20-2 or something stupid. Then piss it down their leg 8-1 in the series last game.

At least the ride was fun for a team not supposed to do much and Detroit winning the AL Central. Remember that?

UPDATE on the label: Not Rochester, AA, that is 2 'A's, not 3.

Nick Blackburn

Ok, so it's fairly obvious at this point that the Twins pitchers are COMPLETELY OUT OF GAS AND CAN'T GET ANYONE OUT ANYMORE.

Just start all guys from Rochester. At least they aren't battling dead arm.

Christ, Blackburn's given up 7 runs in 2.1 innings in his last two starts. Pathetic.

Did that happen last night?

Did Gardy NOT pinch hit for Alexi, down 2, in the 9th, with a runner on? Did Mr. Casilla jack a home run? Did Gardy pinch hit FOR Kubel with ADAM EVERETT and then Everett decides to FAKE BUNT and jack one over left fielder's head. Did I see that correctly last night?

Greetings

Hi there.

My name is Matt Guerrier.

And I hate success.

Wishlist

I wish there was "live betting" for Twins games. Only because I'd like to see the price on the Twins winning a game actually GO UP when they get a lead. And I would take those odds.

"Oh, what's this, the Twins have a 2 run lead? I will bet my life on the Indians."

And out of the bullpen, they're going to go with Jesse Crain...

"Win."

"Eddie Guardado" is to "Garbage" as...

"Shit" is to "Brown"

The Sox are going to clinch this thing in the Dome.

Sun rises in the East, sets in the West,

Juan Rincon pitches (a.k.a. Captian Parity).

Why don't you just name it "Dumb Field"?

Or how about, "Pop ups in the infield Field"? Someone else have the naming rights to "Not able to bring in a runner from second base when the game is on the line Field"?

HOME RUN HOME RUN

It's Blackburn vs. something named Radhames Liz, who hails from El Seybo, Dominican Republic. He's 5-5 with an ERA of 7.75.

So, ok then.

Nick Punto in the lineup again today, for no discernable reason. Does he smell really bad, and so Gardy puts him in to keep him off the bench? Did Tolbert not hit 2 triples last night? Whatever.

Good sections still available in Baltimore.

According to My29, Liz is "Another Baltimore pitcher with control problems". This should be fun.

Baltimore sports the same camera angle as the Metrodome, meaning it's set up nearly directly over the mound. It gives the viewer the ability to accurately judge balls and strikes, so you can see why MLB would be opposed to it.

Already there have been two balls clearly outside that have been called strikes. Span and Casilla don't say anything, because it's not really going to matter.

There's this "thank you" commercial from the Twins players to the fans. Even when they're reading prompter for 2 second clips, it's still hard to believe that guys like Punto and Mauer can drive motor vehicles.

Remember when Nick Markakis hit three home runs in a game against the Twins a few years ago?

Fucking hell.

Keith Atherton is apparently in attendance for today's game. If you aggregate out the growth of his mustache to his living in the Baltimore area for 20 years, you come up with what can only be described as "Complete Life Success".

Kubel strikes out, it's really hot out there, and it just doesn't seem like it's working today.

Delmon Young takes a pitch and- HA HA HA, JUST KIDDING. He swings at the first thing he sees and bounces to short.

In other action, the Yankees currently lead the Rays 6-3, but Carl Pavano is going against Edwin Jackson, which means that score will grow exponentially in the next hour.

Nick Blackburn pitches to Luke Scott, and he goes 0-2 on him pretty quickly. Then Blackburn begins picking at the corners, runs the count full, and Luke Scott fouls the next two pitches off. It's at this point that you can visibly see Nick Blackburn say "Fuck this, it's too hot" and throw it right down the middle of the plate. The Man With Two First Names lines a single to right.

Son of a bitch. Another O's jack. This is getting stupid.

Rick Anderson out to talk to Nick Blackburn. "You've given up 4 runs and you've gotten 3 outs. Try harder."

I mean, you can't win every game, but it's the Orioles. They don't even want to play baseball anymore. Their pitching doesn't understand the concept of balls and strikes. JUAN CASTRO STARTS. This is just stupid.

Andy MacPhail - "The way we can turn our team around is to start playing like the Twins." Ah, I see. Winning games, that will get you turned around.

Liz doesn't have control problems. The Twins hitters have "dumbness" problems. Casilla bunts the ball right back to Liz, and it's the easiest play a human can make.

Two more home runs, and I'm ready to turn this shit off. 4 jacks on the day. If Juan Castro hits one out, I'm going to be minus one TV at the end of the day.

Good night, sweet prince.

A Graph of Dennys Reyes' Pitches

4 outside the box and one in doesn't usually work.

Is that you Tolbert?

Do you like hitting triples, or...

A Request

Please stop bringing in left-handed pitchers to pitch to Curtis Granderson.

In fact, please stop bringing in left-handed pitchers.

In fact, please stop "bringing in" pitchers.

A more recent conversation . . .

Gardy: Can you go a couple more innings?

Baker: My arm is about to fall off.

Gardy: And?

Baker: Well, I may need for later on . . . in life.

Gardy: How about left handed? Can you throw left handed?

Baker: Reyes can.

Gardy: . . .

Who in the Twins bullpen is worth less than garbage?

A quick list:

DENNYS REYES IS WORTH LESS THAN GARBAGE

MATT GUERRIER IS WORTH LESS THAN GARBAGE

JESSE CRAIN IS WORTH LESS THAN GARBAGE

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The season is gone.

Another recent conversation...

Miguel Cabrera: Hey man, I pass you in RBI. I'm second in AL now. How you like that?

Justin Morneau: I get 4 with one swing of the bat.

A recent conversation...

White Sox: Hey, we don't like winning or succeeding. You guys go ahead and take the central.

Twins: Oh yeah? You think you can give it away that easy? Watch THIS.

Jesse Crain is garbage

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Jesse Crain is garbage.

Just wanted to make sure Google got that.

Nothing Says Yankees v. Red Sox Like...

Sidney Ponson v. Paul Byrd.

What, it was too late to get Ramon Ortiz off waivers? Someone made a claim on Livan Hernandez? The Mariners wanted too much for Carlos Silva?

Bottom of the 14th...

Orioles lead by one. Two on, two out.

Griffey coming up.

Pop quiz, baseball fans! What should you do with Griffey here?

1. Pitch to him, because he is a pathetic shell of his former self who will undoubtedly hit a dribbler back to the mound.
2. Intentionally walk him, because you forgot it is 2008 and not 1993.

They got out of it, but still. That has to be the stupidest thing I've seen all season, and I've seen an awful lot of Punto.

Double Your Fun

I'm sorry for the double, but Eddie is back and I think we should celebrate. Post your favorite Eddie G. moments if you so desire.

My favorite was the time against Oakland that he entered the 9th leading 5-1, gave up 3 runs, and we won 5-4. I don't know what stat they use for that kind of heart-stopping performance... but it certainly isn't a "save". Maybe a "Thank the fuck christ it's over".

Eddie had a lot of those.

He can't be any worse than Crain. Or Guerrier.

Oh my . . .

He has a gray beard now. He is a Twin again. I credit "The Brass" for addressing a need, however, they traded away some guy with the last name Hamburger. So, there is less hamburger in the Twins organization right now. Not good.

How to beat the Twins

Have the Twins starting pitcher throw about 20 pitches per inning.

Q: How will we score for the first 5 innings?

A: I wouldn't worry about that.

Live Diary of Today's White Sox Game

The announcers make reference to the White Sox being the "darlings" of the American League. I don't... I don't know what to say about that. Other than that I don't look at Jim Thome's ludicrously large head and face and think "darling".

A Radio Shack ad. Always reminds me of this:

Radio Shack

Quick first inning for the Rays, as they prefer to strike out more than to hit the ball. I don't know who 7 of these guys are, and if they keep swinging at slop like that, it will be a short honeymoon.

Little League world series is Hawai'i v. Louisiana. The pitcher for Hawai'i is almost 2 bills. I thought he was the DH. He looks like mini-Prince Fielder.

Every single thing about the White Sox is annoying. Including the D-Bag they have read their starting line ups. Good luck against Kazmir today, failures.

Speaking of, Kaz brings it high and tight to Orlando Cabrera, hitting the handle of the bat in his hands. I love seeing these in slow mo. You can actually watch Cabrera's bladder loosen up as the ball runs in towards his face.

OC hits a grounder to the second baseman, who throws to first. Which means 3 players who will be out of MLB in 4 years are involved in that play.

Swisher pops out. In related news, the sun rose this morning.

Carlos Quentin, another guy who stand in the box like he's sitting on the Tilt O Whirl, steps in. I think I saw this guy last night at Williams playing Golden Tee 2005 Tournament Edition.

Jim Thome - the announcers begin with the typical hall of fame talk, debating back and forth, and then he strikes out on a pitch that hits the plate. Can a man go to the hall of fame if he is physically incapable of hitting anything other than hanging curve balls for home runs?

Jermaine Dye launches a bomb for a 1-0 lead. Ramirez follows that up with a triple, which is nice, because it's going to hurt that much more when the bullpen pisses this one away.

Vazquez loses the no-hitter, then gives up two more hits because he's really not that good of a pitcher.

Dye bombs another one. Threat level in the White Sox bullpen right now: Orange.

And there goes Vazquez, slapping the ball in his hand in frustration. Is he frustrated at this game, or his life?

The wheels. They're awfully wobbly...

8th inning. Dribbler through the infield, they're loaded, and the dark clouds are falling. Mini-Ichiro to the plate.

Aaaaaaaaaaand it's a walk. Matt Thornton is the best you guys could do here? Seriously? The path to the central championship has never looked clearer.

BJ Upton to the plate. If he makes contact, we'll have to see if he runs or just jogs to first base.

Orlando Cabrera pulls a "White Sox" move and chooses to not catch the baseball that was hit right to him. We're tied, and there's still nobody out. Talk about failing on an epic scale.

Oh my. Oh my dear.

It's a 4 run inning right now. Pena lines one to right, Vazquez heads to the locker room, presumably to smash something (hopefully it's his head) and it's time to lower the boom.

Ozzie on to make a pitching change (what, you got Tony Fiore in there) as the rain starts to drop. This has been such a typical White Sox game, I'm just waiting for the three run hogg here to seal the deal.

The White Sox can't even execute a run-down properly. They take so long to catch BJ Upton that it leaves runners on second and third. Toby Hall is immensely overweight.

The Rays go down in the 9th, and Fox reminds us that Jermaine Dye is due up in the bottom of the inning. Is that supposed to be scary? They're forgetting... now the at bats actually MEAN something. I think Old Man Dye will find a way to pop this one up.

-----

Done.

Jim Thome up next. Here comes a strikeout.

Done.

And now for Griffey. Hmmm, let's go with "weak grounder".

Not quite. He fouls out, like Dye before him. God, when the game is on the line, I will bet against the White Sox every single time.

And that does it. The failure is complete, in front of a national audience. Anyone who thinks the Sox are going to be able to sustain success going forward needs to take a long look at the faces of this team.

Some Numbers For You, White Sox

Baker - 3.74
Blackburn - 3.71
Slowey - 3.78
Perkins - 3.90

So, I guess, technically, that makes Liriano the... weak link? Hmm.

Let's see how that plays out.

Oooooooooold Grey Beard, he aaaaaaaaaaaaaaain't what he used to be!

Brian Bass was sent down

Ok. Good start. I have a list of guys I would *also* like to be sent down:

1. Boof Bonser
2. Jesse Crain
3. Matt Guerrier
4. Craig Breslow
5. Dennys Reyes

Is that possible? Can we make it through the rest of the season with just Nathan?

A Question for Joe Nathan

Do you believe in giving up runs? Ever?

I'm Sorry, I Must Be Mistaken...

This man has a WHIP of .90? This man has an ERA of 1.19?

We can't get our bullpen to pitch one strike without it being fatter than a Moons Over My Hammy, and the Rays pick up THIS MAN off our trash heap, and he leads them to a division championship?

I'm sorry. I just don't get it. HIS NAME IS BALL FOUR.

Christ.

Twins Notes

Hey Bullpen:
Stop fucking up.


Hey Seattle:
Ouch.


Hey Joe Nathan:
You are quite a good baseball player.


Hey RA Dickey:
You might want to go back to the drawing board. Try throwing the ball so the catcher can at least, you know, catch it.


Hey Nick Punto:
Your career as a Twin cannot end soon enough.


Hey White Sox:
We ain't goin no fuckin place.

Terry Crowley

For those of you who don't know.

Delmon Young

What if Delmon Young got "hot" and is "starting to figure it out"? What if?

Discuss.

King Earl

I strongly encourage everyone to click on the King Earl link on the right. Not at work, though.

Faces of Twins Fans

When Boof Bonser, Brian Bass, Jesse Crain, Dennys Reyes, Craig Breslow or Matt Guerrier pitch, I feel like this:



When Joe Nathan pitches, I feel like this:



That is all.

Twins Status Report or "Why This Thing's Going To Be Easier To Take Than We Think"

The Twins are back in first, and it's about goddamned time. If you've watched them since June, you've known that this day was inevitable, as predetermined as them winning the division.

That's right. It's not only likely, it is their destiny.

Comparisons to year's past will come and go, but let's not lose sight of what is happening collectively as a team. Yes, you can draw parallels between now and 2006, 2004, hell even 2002. But those people don't live here anymore. This is a team without a true #1 starter, without a true lead-off man, and besides Justin and Joey Joe Joe, a team without any true hitter that has proven himself for extended periods of time. Forget everything you knew about Twins teams of yesteryear. Here are some observations as to why and how the Twins are in this position right now, and why they are all but guaranteed to win the division this year.

Oh, and lyrics from The Predator, to help you along.

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"Nigga with the third album, how come he don't fall off?"

First of all, our thinking about this whole thing has been wrong all year. For those of us who watched 4 young children and a big fat man open the season as the rotation, we were all waiting for the "learning curve" to set in, and for these guys to "take their lumps" and see which of them would survive down the road.

For us, the pessimists, Nick Blackburn would like a few words.

When I see these 4 young colts grabbing the ball and shoving it down the throats of opponents, I'm reminded - as I am in MANY Twins situations - that they are FAR too stupid to know how to lose consistently. They throw strikes. Then they throw strikes more. Then, when they have the bases loaded, they throw it right down the pipe and get you to ground out. They don't stop and think about what might happen, consider the chances that if a grounder to the right side.... whatever. They throw strikes. They may not strike opponents out at a wonderful clip, but they trust their defense and they never get rattled. In the effort to compare this year to year's past, I ask you... where is the Carlos Silva in this bunch? Where is the Kyle Lohse? Where is the guy who lacks the mental capacity for pitching, to such a degree that he routinely acts out on the field and in the clubhouse, and who can't put a runner on first without peeing in his pants? I'll tell you where they are... in Seattle and St. Louis. And good goddamned riddance.

I believe the point of this is to say: there is absolutely no way this team is "falling off" in any sense of the phrase. They may drop a few in a row, and they may slightly slump, but their pitching is too consistent to break. We're in August... if it were to happen, it would've happened by now.

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"I'm almost certain I'm a put on the hurtin / Bitch, it's curtains"

Cleveland.

Wow, that sure did blow up, didn't it? Dazzle talked today about how he saw the Indians come in to take fielding practice this morning and he saw them lazing around in the outfield and how the coaching staff was not hitting them "game speed" ground balls but rather slow rollers that they casually flipped about the infield. He said he noticed a huge difference between them and the Twins, and the way they got after it both before the game and during. To me, I've seen the same thing from this team all year long, and curse you if you put their wasted season on a few injuries. They went from being a game away from the World Series last year (a game they had 3 chances to win) to basically starting over next year. Cy Young winner, gone. Bullpen in absolute shambles. Starting rotation who can't seem to do anything well (unless your last name is Sowers and you get to pitch against the Twins). And a group of position players who like Hot Dogs more than they like playing baseball. Seriously, Jhonny Peralta? Instead of a major league baseball player, I see a guy who likes the monthly "special" at Mannings: Schooner of Grainbelt, specialty burger and plate of fries for 10 bucks. Now they stake their future on Cliff Lee (decent), Victor Martinez (overweight and doesn't like trying), Hafner (the eyes, dear god, the eyes) and Sizemore ("meet you at the Bulldog for Buckhunter, puss!"). What looked like a bright future a year ago now looks like the bottom of the central for at least this year and next.

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"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time / But I'm rollin, so that's a fucked up slogan"

Detroit made some pretty big moves in the offseason, and boy oh boy, did we ever hear about them. First, they "won" the Dontrelle Willis sweepstakes. And with that, they also "won" the Miguel Cabrera sweepstakes. To top it all off, they were able to sign Mr. Jacque Jones aka Mr. Can't Seem To Settle On An Approach At The Plate aka Mr. Everything I Ever Learned, I Learned From Torii Hunter Including Swinging At Sliders. What a glorious offseason!

Flash forward to right now. They traded away Pudge, for Kyle Farnsworth, which should be the punchline to a joke but it is not. Miguel Cabrera has proven himself to be a winner... at buffets all over the Detroit metro. And Dontrelle Willis may never be good again, and he will NEVER be great. Oh, and it took them all of a month to release Jacque Jones, who is currently being paid good money to not play baseball.

The Tigers have enough depth in both starting pitching and slugging to keep them afloat, but their problems have been their complete inability to stay consistent in any one facet of the game and the fact that their closer was a 40 year old rock'n'roller who was never really that good even when he was supposedly good, if that makes sense. Injuries are no fun, but again, shame on you if you think the Tigers season was derailed by injuries. It was derailed by coming too damn close to winning it all in 2006, and making silly moves since then.

Good thing you didn't give up everything in your minor leagues for two players who contribute next to zero for your team. Wait...

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"Goddamn, another fuckin payback with a twist, the motherfuckers shot but the punks missed"

And so that brings us to the White Sox.

Today was perfect. Just absolutely perfect. It represented the vast difference in talent, intelligence, management and collective mentality between the organizations. In fact, down to more fine of a point, I would say if you were looking for a microcosm of why the White Sox are absolutely doomed to failure this year, look no further than AJ's hair.

There are many reasons why it's a long slide down from here for the White Sox, but I'll hit a few. First, the bullpen is absolutely garbage, just trash that should be brought to the dump. Boone Logan likes to turn around and watch balls go over the fence. Matt Thornton hates getting people out. Wasserman is a knuckle dragger. As Dazzle said on the radio as the Twins were winning the inevitable 3rd of 4, I know that they have low ERAs and that the unit as a whole has had success. But I'm looking at them right now and saying they are not very good.

Me too, Danny.

Then they go get Griffey, which caused me to laugh for 2 minutes unbroken.

I watched his second game, against KC, yesterday. Early in the game he made a "diving catch" (it was more like a "stumbling catch", but he's a HOF centerfielder, so whatever). This was a play that almost every centerfielder would've made simply by jogging in towards the infield and catching it on the run. Griffey just BARELY got there. Of course, this elicited the usual "That's A Hall Of Famer Right There" talk, which is what you say if you're not very smart and like doughnuts more than thinking. But that's fine, it's Griffey, so yeah. But then the next inning, a lazy flyball was hit out between the shortstop and centerfield. It was very high, and the wind was insignificant. The shortstop, thinking that the centerfielder would be making this catch, elected to not even chase the ball. Neither did any other player. Griffey, in what could only be described as a "hitched gait", careened towards the ball, and pulled up about 20 feet short. The ball dropped onto the outfield grass like a duck during hunting season. The comments that followed were predictable - "There's nothing he could do" - but I have to tell you, he is going to cost the Sox many more runs than he is going to produce. And that's assuming that he DOES produce any, which remains to be seen. Overall, getting Griffey was the equivalent of getting Bonds, except at least you can DH Bonds. You can't do anything with Griffey. You've already got two good corner outfielders, neither of which can play centerfield. Hey! Let's go get a guy who can BARELY PLAY ANY OUTFIELD POSITION! He did it 18 years ago! Why not give it another shot????

In their favor, the Sox have a decently balanced lineup and experience flashes of quality starting pitching. Contreras being hurt does help them, because he likes to throw it to the backstop. But this team is built for implosion. The frustration and pressure on them has mounted, once again, and the team that is going after them this year is the one team that represents everything that they are not. It's the one team that the Sox will be unable to vanquish, because they are built for stretch runs. It's the one team that does not allow the failings of the White Sox to go unpunished.

They had their run, and when the Twins pulled up in the rearview, they needed to take off and create some distance. They shot, but they missed. And now they brawl with the Royals after beaning a batter to force home the seventh run of the game. The blade is falling, and there will be no pardon.

You can't stop what's coming.

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And if that's not reason enough:





Done.

JOHN GORDON JUST LOST HIS MIND

"Here's the two-two to Kubel and it's A HIGH DRIVE TO DEEP HOLY JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY CHRIST IT'S A THREE RUN HOGG!!"

August

Let's take a look at the Twins schedule in August. I'll assume the Twins will go into August back 3.5 games.

Indians (2-1)
Mariners/Royals (5-1)
Yankees (1-2)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Angels/Mariners/Athletics (6-4)

19 wins 9 losses

Lots of games against a "major league baseball team" from Seattle. Good thing.

-------

How about the White Sox in August?

Royals (2-1)
Tigers (2-1)
Red Sox (1-3)
Royals (2-1)
Mariners/Athletics (5-1)
Rays (2-1)
Orioles (2-2)
Red Sox (0-3)

16 wins 13 losses

The White Sox play real teams like the Red Sox.

Looks like the Twins should be even at the end of August.

His name is Liriano. Get there.

A Comprehensive List Of Problems On The Current Minnesota Twins Baseball Team

This has been a great year, far surpassing expectations and giving many of us hope for the future. It has also been a year in which we've had to endure looking at Brendan Harris' face. With that in mind, allow me to comment on the problems that this Twins team currently has:

1. Nick Punto is allowed to play baseball on a regular basis.

His life is one horrible failure after another. As Nani once put it, he's just not quite good enough in so many areas of athletic competition, it leads to a sinking feeling every time I see his face. I will give him points for being incredibly stupid though, because that means he fits right in with this team.

2. Jesse Crain can't do anything well.

We really could use a guy to come into the game in the 7th or 8th inning and leave without giving up 8 runs. That would be really quite nice. A guy that doesn't walk everyone he faces. A guy who doesn't telegraph every pitch. A guy who can throw a strike without it being right down the middle. Jesse Crain is not this guy.

3. Carlos Gomez plays the game like a small child, and that's not a good thing.

Eventually, he's going to have to figure out a way to hit a baseball.

4. Livan Hernandez is fat.

It's really going to suck when he peels off 4 starts in a row where he gives up 8 runs a piece. Because that's coming. But, of course, maybe Liriano will be allowed up when that happens, so that might be a good thing. Liriano stays in the vegetable aisle, while Livan goes straight for the boxed dinner section.

----------------------------------------------------

The bottom line is that occasionally, the collective stupidness of the team works against them, as it has been when they play against good teams. Smart pitchers can easily take them apart, because all you really have to do is know exactly what they are going to swing at, and throw something that looks like it. You see it happen to Gomez every time up. The upside of this is that with the team so dumb, I'm not sure they even remember that they played a game yesterday. That should help the swings on Friday.

G-man's mustache

Will stop a charging rhino.

Mustard Stains

(Applause)

Thank you. Thank you. No, really, thank YOU.

I'm happy to be here, and so it this gentleman:



Never under estimate the importance of the cheese cup. Seriously.

Anyways, with the All-Star break over and done with - Josh Hamilton won the homerun derby AND the All-Star game, right? - we can finally move onto the rest of the season. We find our beloved Twins only 1.5 games behind the hated White Sox for first place in the Central Division. It's always nice to have our team relevant throughout the year - I don't tire of hearing Peter Gammons gloat about our little Twinsies and how the Baby Jesus's swing is the best thing since Ted. Are they going to make the playoffs? Maybe. Win a World Series? Probably not, but who cares!? After losing Torii and Johan everyone counted us out til 2010. Gomez wasn't supposed to do anything productive, except eat Skittles and give Gardy a heart attack. Casilla wasn't supposed to be in baseball. But here we are, with two little psychos tearing it up on a nightly basis, making it very fun and exciting to watch the Twins play. Hopefully the remainder of this season will provide a very solid starting ground for this here Twins blog.

Worst case scenario, I guess, would be a lot of talk of fat players and their respective eating/success problems.

"Eat Hog!"

Er, I mean "Play Ball!"

CHRISTIAN GUZMAN IS AN ALL STAR

I JUST SAW HIM IN THE DUGOUT FOR THE NATIONAL LEAGUE ALL STAR TEAM. HE'S AN ALL STAR. AT BASEBALL. GUZMAN.

They Think I'm Slow, Eh?

Canadians hit more home runs than drug addicts.

We were all just waiting for the proof.

A Few Items From Today's Contest

1. Miguel Cabrera is fat.
2. Gary Sheffield ain't what he used ta be.
3. Brian Buscher and Brendan Harris are WAY too stupid to be any worse than they are.
4. The Tigers have had a "rough go" this year. By that I mean... the two guys they got from Florida have kissed the pavement, and their "big free agent", Jacque Jones, recently signed where? Florida. Where he was RELEASED AGAIN.
5. The Motherfucking - can't stop, won't stop.

Don't you love Twins blogs?

Well, this one will contain less talk about Craig Monroe and more about food.