Get in fucking gear

(Yesterday, while complaining at 40 minute parking meters in Santa Monica, and looking forward to writing "unfair" in the memo line of the parking ticket, I began to overhear a terse meeting...)




"Swept by the fucking METS? What the fuck is going on here? I know we've played nearly every game so far this season on the road and on the east coast but...come on. The Pirates, the Nationals...the Reds and even the Mets. Last fucking place?"





"Well, I can understand your frustration. Although, as far as idyllic as we'd like, you know we've battled injuries so far this season. And we can't seem to--"






"I sat there and told you...and I remember this because we had sausage lasagna that day for lunch. You can't be winning games 10-8. And you sure as shit can't have 3 fucking errors a game! We're tied for the most errors in the league."

"Now, that is troubling. I think the biggest problem is the fact that despite a lot of holdover from last season, we don't have the same battery together. Our usual outfield is altered with Manny out with an injury."

"What's up, guys? Sorrry that I injure myself. Manny was batting over .400 before that. Think it's the fields of the other teams, you know? Manny's gonna get some new shoes now! Later!"







"You can't be talking about me either, Skip. I've got 7 Home Runs so far."






"That's a great stat, Matt, but I don't think about your fucking home runs when I watch you 'call' off Ethier on every fly ball. Looks like a puppy trying to catch a meatball in midair. I can't handle that. Look, Joe, every great Dodger team has a bulldog that can just hammer it fucking through. A quality start isn't 5 innings with 110 pitches! Hey - who the hell are you?"


"Hi, Mr. Lasorda. I started one of the doubleheader games in New York."





"Tommy, that's Jon Link...we've, uh, sent him back to Albuquerque."







"Hey Tommy! I think I've got this knuckler down now. Threw one in New York and it only took 14 seconds to get to home plate! Told ya!"








"Where the fuck are the Rolaids?"

Ryan Raburn likes to fail in big spots

I don't know anything about Ryan Raburn other than:

1. He totally dinked Cuddy's liner in game 163 last year, turning a single into a triple when they were ahead.
2. He opens his mouth like a spaz and lets Jim Thome score from first.

Last night, him and Granderson (whoops! I mean Jackson) converged on a fly ball in left-center. Raburn took what some would call an "interesting" route to the ball. He sprinted back towards the fence and then realized the ball was actually not that direction, so he changed and started running towards center. Let's see if we can identify the problem!



As TK would say, that's a shame. You don't ever want to see that.

Bert, when watching the replay, says, "Let's see if Raburn is calling off Jackson. (pause) Nope, he had it all the way, and it just hit the heel of his glove. (pause) Not saying anything right here, just with the open mouth..."



Christ, learn how to field, Detroit.

What letter of the alphabet is Jon Rauch saying right here?

The answer is "F". As in "F"uck off and sit down Inge, I strike you the fuck out now.

My favorite thing about this team, aside from each individual being badass in their own way (Span threw a bat tonight that would make Delmon happy), is that they know they are better than the other team at baseball. It's not luck. They're not getting freak hits and coming back from deficits in the 9th. They're flat out just beating your ass because they're better than you.

So Jon Rauch, a middle-reliever with an 89 mph fastball, can just strike you right the shit out and talk like he's been there before. Because they all have. And the pain train's only going to keep chugging.

Jim Thome has a very good eye

Laying off those reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaly close pitches...

Same old shit

Some of you may remember the post-season of 2009, where baseball's umpires decided that accuracy wasn't exactly needed for that time of year. Remember when Tim McClelland made this bizarro call? Be that as it may, bad calls happen...even if you'd like to think these are the best guys out there. But what about when umpires decide to change the rules of the game?

I'm guessing you didn't watch last night's Dodgers/Reds game, and I certainly don't blame you. But in the 4th inning, Andre Ethier made a questionable catch with 2 out and the bases loaded. On the fly it looked close...certainly not a clean catch. Usually in that circumstance, the batter would be ruled a hit, in the same vein as tie goes to the runner. But, first base umpire (uh oh) Tim McClelland called him out. (An umpire who said, after the replay of one of his horseshit calls from last year's playoffs, "I'm not sure I believe the replay.") Oh well, life sucks for Reds fans...again.

Renowned thinker Dusty Baker lumbered out of the dugout to protest the call, showing a rare moment in good judgement. So, McClelland brings the other umpires together and reverses the call, awarding Aaron Harang a single. Why only a single? Why not a double? Where do the runners go? Well, the umpires decide all this on the fly.

I have not watched all baseball games every year of my life, but I know enough about the game that umpires can't do that. Steve Lyons, who provided "color" for the game in-between visits to the tanning salon, agreed. Now, this guy played pro ball and hasn't seen that.

After the game, McClelland had poop falling out of his mouth when he said the following:

"I called him out. We got together. Through consultation we determined that he didn't catch the ball. We got a directive that says we can place runners where we thought they would have been had the call been called accurately the first time. We put the runners at the bases."

Interesting story. A friend of mine so happens to have the official MLB rulebook Quote:
9.02 (A) - Any umpire’s decision which involves judgment, such as, but not limited to, whether a batted ball is fair or foul, whether a pitch is a strike or a ball, or whether a runner is safe or out, is final. No player, manager, coach or substitute shall object to any such judgment decisions.

but yet...

9.04 (c) If different decisions should be made on one play by different umpires, the umpire-in-chief shall call all the umpires into consultation, with no manager or player present. After consultation, the umpire-in-chief (unless another umpire may have been designated by the league president) shall determine which decision shall prevail, based on which umpire was in best position and which decision was most likely correct. Play shall proceed as if only the final decision had been made.

Problem: Two different umpires didn't make a call on the play. Only McClelland made a call.

So...oops, you fucked up. Right, Tim? I mean, had Vin called the game, he would have talked of "how the umpires are mired in a rhubarb." The LA Times recap barely mentioned it, but the AP report at least interviewed you. Anything, Tim? Another game where you "do the best you can"? That's not good enough.

I think we should remember that name.

Subtractin all the rappers who lack, over Premier's tracks...

Quote my wife (again) - "That happened to my team when we played softball in high school"

Umm....

Quote my wife:

"He should've stayed at third"

Twins see payoff of Santana trade

A columnist in Minnesota actually wrote that. Can you guess which one? The answer is right here. Did you get it wrong? You did? Then do the world a favor and stop using its oxygen. You don't deserve it.

I honestly don't try to read his column . . . ever. With that eye grabber of a title, well, you have to go read the trainwreck. I'm just speechless.

When we trade Al Jefferson, will the KG trade make sense, Sid? How about the Lou Brock trade? Cubbies getting the better end of that one, finally? How about the Tigers getting rid of some pitcher by the name of Smoltz? Dividends, yet? How is the drama scene in Boston these days? Awesome because of the Babe Ruth sale?

Then he went on as to why the North Stars left. WRONG. I'm rambling now.

Yeah, that one is not coming back

Happiness begins anew!

With the baseball season starting today (whatever ESPN might have you think) we turn to Hall of Fame manager Tommy Lasorda for his thoughts!


Sure, I'll sign a wiffle ball. Just let me - whoa...wait a minute. Who changed the background of this site? Looks like a flashback to kids bedsheets in the 1980 JCPenney catalog. Nice fuckin' move...you should coach 3rd base somewhere with that decision making.

I guess I shouldn't be pissed off. After all, it's opening day! We waited through a long off-season and finally made it here. Did any of you attend Spring Training games? I was there at Cameltoe...er, Camelback Ranch where the Dodgers play. It's really a beautiful facility, and I can tell you that the team did well by me: I have my own dining room there as well! As you know, traveling makes finding and enjoying good meals all the more difficult. Took me a week to find good Italian when we moved here, so I've balanced out my diet with plenty of Mexican food. When I order in Spanish, wherever I go, I get a free margarita. Can't beat that.

And speaking of beating...the Dodgers lost today to the Pirates. That feels bad enough, but the sneaking suspicion that the club didn't completely address the lack of pitching was a bright light in the face. Especially in Pittsburgh, a team will occasionally lose there because you're trying to get the strength up to face each day. That's how life is there. Gotta say at first I couldn't understand why we have a day off before our second game, but now I know we need the work.

Additionally, I'm sure you've heard a lot in the off-season about the McCourt's divorce and who would end up owning the team. Hell, Farmer John can buy em for all I care...it's about making the right decisions. One of the things in the gossip pages was that this might be Torre's last year before retirement. The name to replace him: bench coach Don Mattingly. What, is Steve Sax busy?

Sorry guys, this performance on the opening day has put me in a funk. I had a couple of Italian Sausages before the game, but that didn't help matters much. Guess I'll go to Rico's here in Pittsburgh tonight for Linguine and Clams, just like Mike Damone! But enough about all that - let's talk about the other team in this "blog" - the Twins!

I can't imagine the happiness the Twins fans must have...they're back outside, in that wild Minnesota weather, taking advantage of what few nice days they have. And that's how it should be! Playing in a dome can be tough for your emotions. First couple of times I went to the Astrodome, I was in awe. This was truly a stadium from the future. But as I told Walter Alston back then (who registered no response to my comments; nothing new there) - I hope this ISN'T the future, because I feel like I'm in an airplane hangar. I don't FEEL like I'm at a ballgame. Let me give you an example:

Back in May of 1991, we're taking care of the Astros...I look over to the Astro dugout and see Art Howe place a big brown tank next to him. I didn't know what the hell it was, so I went back to managing the game. Later on, I look over again cause I want to see if they're going to bring in a new pitcher, and there's Art, with a mask up to his face. Turns out he was on laughing gas. Then it dawned on me that you HAD to do something like that just to take playing in here day in and out. That's the first and only time as manager back then (not including spring training) where I fell asleep during a game. Juan Samuel woke me up.

I never managed a game in the old Met Stadium, but I can only guess that this new stadium will get such lore. Will there be a Rusty Scupper, Howard Wong's, Mother Tuckers and Lincoln Del nearby?

I wish the Twins luck in taking apart the Angels and having a great season in that new park. Remember fans - they did this for you just as much as for themselves. Show up and be sure to put away those Schweigert hot dogs!